How to cope with the return of suicidal thoughts?

12birds

Confident
I have gone several months without any suicidal thoughts. Except for this stretch of time, I have dealt with these thoughts almost daily since childhood. They stopped suddenly even though nothing in my life or environment changed.

In the last week I've noticed passive thoughts have returned. I'm distressed by this and I don't really know how to cope (still have not found a new T). I knew they could return, but it's still so jarring.

There is such a huge difference between PTSD with suicidal thoughts and without (speaking for myself, of course). I'd felt a sense of relief and adjusted to living without the them. I'm not in a crisis, but I am at a loss and I'm scared they will get worse. I don't know what tools or strategies to use.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
What helps you to see both meaning in life, and have a will to live / that supports your will to live even through adversity?

<< Is my first go to's. Not fighting the suicidality that hard, by the time it even pops up it means I'm exhausted hence need the opposite of yet adding another pointless fight - but upholding what works, holds true & solid, and fills me with a determination to stick the rough patch out.
 

osiris

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @12birds
Sorry you’re struggling with this right now. I feel your battle, it’s one I am regularly stuck in, but I woke up and today is a good day, which is like a slither of light through the crack in the rocks to my underworld.
The very helpful words that were recently shared with me are that there is nothing in your life that can’t change somehow except the final ending.
Hang in there. Keep writing and seeking support.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @12birds , I also struggle with suicidal thoughts. When it's really bad like today for example I just try to get through each hour. Tonight I'm going to treat myself to Chinese food. Its those little victories and goals that get me through the day. Im sorry that your struggling and I wish you all the best. Keep posting and reaching out because telling your story on here will distract you and you'll get support. S3?
 

12birds

Confident
Thanks for the responses, everyone. I've had a couple days away from this post and my initial emotional reaction.

Because it's been part of my life for so long I developed a certain threshold for dealing with it - this can be good and bad, but right now it's good. I know I can hold on. I'm finding it especially disturbing upon return and I notice/focus on it a lot more. I've realized what life can be like without such an exhausting and painful symptom.

The self aware part of me sometimes pauses and says, "wow, this is really f-ed up". I think once I get into therapy again I will be more vocal about having suicidal thoughts so I can find ways to reduce and handle them.

I do find it incredibly helpful to write in my journal here, so I will keep doing that like @Survivor3 and @osiris suggested. I'm not the most active in the forums, but this community has been a good thing.

@Ronin I really like those questions. I haven't found my drive yet, so that's something to sit with for a while.

At this point, I'm just grateful for the work I have done and I hope it can carry me. I'd rather be dealing with this right now while I'm more stable and well than I've ever been.
 

osiris

MyPTSD Pro
Hey @12birds nice to see you returning to the post.
The self aware part of me sometimes pauses and says, "wow, this is really f-ed up". I think once I get into therapy again I will be more vocal about having suicidal thoughts so I can find ways to reduce and handle them.

There’s so much about suicidal thoughts that are f-ed up, and when we’re in the middle of them it’s really hard to see and acknowledge that. You are doing a great job recognising this and seeing how it is something you can work on.


Because it's been part of my life for so long I developed a certain threshold for dealing with it - this can be good and bad, but right now it's good. I know I can hold on.
I’m really glad you are saying you can hold on. I’m glad you’re here.
 

arich62

New Here
I have gone several months without any suicidal thoughts. Except for this stretch of time, I have dealt with these thoughts almost daily since childhood. They stopped suddenly even though nothing in my life or environment changed.

In the last week I've noticed passive thoughts have returned. I'm distressed by this and I don't really know how to cope (still have not found a new T). I knew they could return, but it's still so jarring.

There is such a huge difference between PTSD with suicidal thoughts and without (speaking for myself, of course). I'd felt a sense of relief and adjusted to living without the them. I'm not in a crisis, but I am at a loss and I'm scared they will get worse. I don't know what tools or strategies to use.
I feel your pain. I understand. I hate it when those thoughts occur. I have had much to much time on my hands during this lockdown. It makes me feel super paranoid when I have thoughts of suicide ideation. I'm like, wtf? This lockdown is almost over for me, I get to travel home in three weeks, I'm married, I go to church, I just should never feel this way. I had a trigger, past couple days though of a famous actor who did himself in, that was very disturbing, it brought me back to bad times in the 1980's.

I too am looking for strategies to cope, it's probably important to share so the suicide ideation loses it's grip on me
 
I had issues with suicidal thoughts ever since I was ten years old or so starting back in the late 1980's. When I was happy I wasn't suicidal and when I was unhappy I'd often get suicidal.

Fortunately I haven't had suicidal thoughts in years, even when I have a bad day.
 

Jimdubu

New Here
I have gone several months without any suicidal thoughts. Except for this stretch of time, I have dealt with these thoughts almost daily since childhood. They stopped suddenly even though nothing in my life or environment changed.

In the last week I've noticed passive thoughts have returned. I'm distressed by this and I don't really know how to cope (still have not found a new T). I knew they could return, but it's still so jarring.

There is such a huge difference between PTSD with suicidal thoughts and without (speaking for myself, of course). I'd felt a sense of relief and adjusted to living without the them. I'm not in a crisis, but I am at a loss and I'm scared they will get worse. I don't know what tools or strategies to use.

I am sorry for what you are going through. One of the things I have found that helps me is count my blessings. When you realize how much you have been blessed with anxiety and depression quite often run away. But for those crisis times, is there anyone you can talk too? a trusted friend or sibling? how about your church pastor. There is a Crisis Text Line available at 741741. Just text that number and a professional will text you back. Also here are some references that might help. Looking Up From The Stubborn Darkness | A Listly List I hope these help, prayers my friend.
 

12birds

Confident
I appreciate the new replies, everyone.

It's for me hard to comprehend how serious this symptom is and I think that makes it more challenging to deal with. It wasn't until recently I realized most people (gen. population) don't experience these thoughts. Still touch and go at the moment.

I too am looking for strategies to cope, it's probably important to share so the suicide ideation loses it's grip on me

It does seem like a grip, doesn't it? That's a good way to put it. Sharing is one of the hard parts.

One of the things I have found that helps me is count my blessings. When you realize how much you have been blessed with anxiety and depression quite often run away. But for those crisis times, is there anyone you can talk too? a trusted friend or sibling? how about your church pastor. There is a Crisis Text Line available at 741741.

I'm so glad you have a strategy that helps you. Finding something to hang your hat on is a very difficult step in all of this.

I do not have a stable support system, which is partially why I come to the forum. I have used Crisis Line before and probably will again. It's a good resource, so I'm happy you've mentioned it here.
 
I have PTSD and bipolar disorder. And I've had times in my life in which I was overwhelmed by the symptoms.

However, I found that it was even harder for me to deal with unpleasant symptoms when I started to get suicidal.

So when I was feeling emotionally unwell, I'd try not to get suicidal in order to try to not feel even worse. But I didn't always succeed, because when I got depressed, all I saw was the bad in life.
 
Top