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How to cope with therapist abandonment?

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SunAndMoon

Hi Folks,

It's my first request for feedback. Thank you so much in advance for any thoughts you may have!

I have been seeing the same therapist for about 25 years--a long time, I know. She is older--around 80. Anyway, a week and a half ago she called me from the hospital ER, saying she was going to miss our appts for the week. (I see her 2x a week). Of course I was worried and called her back later that evening at her hospital room to let her know I was thinking about her. Both times she was nice but very abrupt and got off the phone.

She is now out of the hospital and at home. I am still worried because I don't know what is going on. I called her back after a week (the night before our regular meeting time), and she stalled for time, saying that she isn't ready, but probably the next appt, but that we would talk on the phone first.

I decided I was getting tired of being left in the dark and figured she would call today. She didn't. Our appt would be tomorrow, but I'm not going to show up unless she calls.

I'm feeling so hurt from being left in the dark. She is usually fairly candid about her health, etc, so all this avoidance from her is causing me a great deal of pain. I want to be understanding because something could be seriously wrong, but why is she avoiding me? It hurts so much.
 
I want to be understanding because something could be seriously wrong, but why is she avoiding me?
Because she is sick, she’s your T and regardless of how long you’ve been seeing her you’re part of her working life. I think calling her while she is in her hospital bed is really quite intrusive and I’m not surprised she would be abrupt.

She’s 80 years old, the chances of her having a significant health problem are pretty high and she may want the opportunity to absorb the news herself, she may want time to talk to/be with her family, she may be having some fairy intimate or invasive treatment that she doesn’t want to talk to her client about.

In your shoes I’d send her an email or text saying you hope all is well with her and that you’ll wait to hear from her once she’s ready to be back at work. Then leave her alone. Seriously, let her deal with her health.

In 25 years of therapy, I’m assuming you will have learned skills to cope with unexpected challenges, now is the time to put them all to use, practice emotional regulation and distress tolerance. It’s reasonable that you’ll be worried about her and anxious but the time for her to hear all of that is when she’s able to work again, not just now while she’s just out of hospital.

Despite how it feels, she hasn’t abandoned you - she is sick and needs time to attend to her health.
 
I wouldn't take it personally...

Maybe she is dealing with acceptance/tough decisions regarding her health and care personally and among her family. Sometimes family gets in there either not enough or too much. There never seem to be a happy balance, and they could be restricting her activity resulting in her not being able to act as independent and have privacy to talk candidly. In hospital, you are also being poked and prodded with all noises/lights hence a little irritable for peace.

I think just a little time she needs, you have reached out to her and she will contact you when she can. But another option too, if say another 2 weeks pass try another therapist to look after yourself or if you feel comfortable calling again (or does she have an office?), maybe she has a recommendation in the meantime while she heals.

But either way, patient and therapist (really any healthcare professional) relationships have boundaries for a reason.
 
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There never seem to be a happy balance, and they could be restricting her activity resulting in her not being able to act as independent and have privacy to talk candidly.
That’s a possibility, but don’t also lose sight of the fact that while she may have been candid about her health in the past, she doesn’t actually need to tell you. Her health is her very private business and you don’t have any right to know beyond whether she’s able to work or not.

I wonder if this has come as a reminder that you are part of her working life, she may need time with her family and loved ones and you sit outside that group of people. 25 years is a very long time to be in therapy, I imagine it’s a very well established, close relationship on both sides but I can’t imagine her wanting to think about work not even two weeks after being admitted to the ER.

It’s ok to not be happy at being “kept in the dark”, but it’s her right to not tell you what’s going on with her health, hell I have family and friends I don’t tell about my health much less folk in my working life.
 
That’s a possibility, but don’t also lose sight of the fact that while she may have been candid abo...
Speaking of people in your work life, I cringe when I have coworker/friend as a patient or vice versa. So ackward even though you hope you don't make them feel uncomfortable by being as professional and allowing as much privacy/respect as possible. When call is over, I erase from my head as much as possible. We pretend nothing happened in future meetings.
Sometimes, I make it like I don't recognize them. Because like Suzetig, I barely share stuff with my family too.
 
What you call avoidance and abandonment sounds like healthy boundaries.

When someone calls from the ER to cancel, telling people why you’re cancelling (medical emergency) doesn’t give them the right to know any/every thing that’s going on with you medically. You’ve just rung your job with an brief explanation of why you won’t be at work, nor can be expected at work any time soon.

When you’ve been at the same job for 25 years it’s natural for you bosses, colleagues, and clients to worry about you when you get sick. It’s really inappropriate for your boss, colleagues, or clients to then harass you about when are you going to be back at work???, or for them to take your sudden illness personally.

She’s not avoiding you. She’s off sick from work.
She’s not abandoning you. She’s dealing with a health crisis.

Framing her illness personally? As if it’s something she’s doing to you? Does both of you a great disservice.
 
Thanks Suzetig, Daph, and Friday,

I do tend to take things personally. That's an issue I've had for a long time.

I'm sorry this is a bit long.

I am starting to realize that the boundaries with my therapist have been blurry for quite a while. She even has said so about herself several times in sessions. She has been to my wedding. She bought me new fun clothes when I lost weight. I am in a creative line of work, and what I do for a living is basically a fun side interest for her. She has been to several of my artistic professional events.

She also has talked with me many times about a former client of hers who has stopped therapy with her and become her friend. They go to lunch and exercise classes together. The other woman and I know each other because she is also an artist, and we have occasionally worked at the same events. Small world.

So in the back of my mind, I have had this thought that my therapist must not have a very big circle of friends if she has made a former client one of her best friends. I have tried to stay on what I feel is a therapy course with her. At one time when my therapist's husband was terminallying ill, she hinted that she hoped I would keep her company when she was someday a widow.

Her husband died a couple years ago. I went to the funeral and sat in the very back.

So, yes, I guess there are some boundary issues. Maybe once every 3 months I'll call her in between appointments for 5-10 min if something upsetting has happened. But otherwise I don't usually contact her outside of the session.

So when she went to the ER, my first thought was that maybe my therapist didn't have much of a support system, and I should at least let her know I care. I can see now that's a little messed up. Maybe I projected my stuff onto her.

So I am really trying to let her have her space now and heal. She works alone, so there isn't a backup therapist on call. But I think I am going to have to start the painful process of looking for someone new so I can let my current therapist heal on her own.

I didn't realize how confused I was. She has always been positive and there for me. Does it seem like the boundary thing is off to you?
 
You should have a professional relationship with a therpther, not a personal one, and I think she's trying to tell you that. It sounds like you may have an unhealthy relationship with her, probably a good thing to discuss with her when she tell you she's well enough to return to work
 
Does it seem like the boundary thing is off to you?
Different people do that kind of thing differently. Personally, it doesn't seem all that "off" to me.

But, after 25 years, don't you trust her enough, and know her well enough, to be able to wait for her to get ready, in her own time, to deal with what ever is going to happen next? Most people aren't still working at 80. If she ended up in the ER, it's possible that something happened that was serious enough/ scary enough to cause her to stop and reassess what she wants to do with the rest of her life. She might even be developing a different idea about what "the rest of her life IS". After 25 years, I doubt she's going to just dump you as a client. But it could well be that she's going to decide to make some changes in her life, either because she wants to or has to. Staying in touch seems reasonable enough. As does being open to what ever possibilities lay ahead. If you end up looking for another T, she can probably help you find one that's a good fit. Meanwhile, I doubt this is any kind of "abandonment" on her part. It may feel that way on your end, but that doesn't make it so.
 
Yeah give the lady some space and don't take it personally.

But take care of yourself in the meantime. Try to keep calm

If she does have to quit her therapy role it will be impossible to transfer all those years of therapy onto new shoulders for you. So stay settled until you know what to do. Don't start jumping hurdles before you get to them.
 
In very long term therapy, who knows - the usual boundaries are bound to get a bit blurred so while I don’t think it would be ok in short term therapy, 25 years is a different kettle of fish depending on her modality etc.

I think the fact that you felt it was ok to phone her in her hospital room and worried about her support system makes me wonder if therapy has turned into something more friendly (a paid for friendship kind of thing) which you’ve only realised when she’s drawn back when she’s had a crisis.

Generally speaking, if someone is asking whether boundaries are a bit blurred, it’s because they know really that they have been. Whether that’s reasonable to expect in such long term therapy, I couldn’t say but it sounds like you’re very used to being in therapy.

Before you look for someone new, it might be worth asking yourself what you’ve really been working on recently, what have your goals been and actually do you really need still to be in therapy. Can you move forward working on yourself building on the progress you made with her and using whatever you’ve learned in that work?
 
I think that 25 years is a bit long to be with the same therapist. Since she is now 80, it’s not likely that she will be working much longer, I am guessing. I’m also a bit worried that she has turned other clients into friends. This is a no-no in the therapeutic world. I believe it is the job of the therapist to hold the line on boundaries as it’s an ethical duty of theirs. I’m worried that you are being lead down a dangerous path and this is in effect anti-therapy.
 
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