I have had a lot of bad experiences. When I was a child, if I showed sadness in anyway I was ruthlessly mocked. I would like to say it was just at school, but my family would too. I even got yelled at for "pouting". I was 7. I'll not get into what caused it because it's a lot, but now I can't even think to talk about it with anyone. Even a doctor. I've had to learn to act fine or have a target on me for emotional, and physical abuse. Now I'm 39. I've never experienced happiness, ever. Sometimes I wish I was forced into a hospital to just stay for the rest of my life so I can feel safe from myself and others. Even when I'm alone I feel like I'm being attacked by something I can't see. Even writing this is giving me a panic attack. I'm lost, and don't know what to do.