How to find courage to ask

jch

Confident
I have had a lot of bad experiences. When I was a child, if I showed sadness in anyway I was ruthlessly mocked. I would like to say it was just at school, but my family would too. I even got yelled at for "pouting". I was 7. I'll not get into what caused it because it's a lot, but now I can't even think to talk about it with anyone. Even a doctor. I've had to learn to act fine or have a target on me for emotional, and physical abuse. Now I'm 39. I've never experienced happiness, ever. Sometimes I wish I was forced into a hospital to just stay for the rest of my life so I can feel safe from myself and others. Even when I'm alone I feel like I'm being attacked by something I can't see. Even writing this is giving me a panic attack. I'm lost, and don't know what to do.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @jch , sorry for what you have been through.

I don't know if our experiences are similar or not. But I was also not allowed to have feelings as a child. I was also ridiculed if I showed emotion. Or ignored. Or dismissed. I was made to make their emotions ok. This still happens now too, and I am 42. I am limiting my interaction with my family and figuring out if I do actually want a relationship with them or not.

It must be really hard to live with them. Where do you find you in this? Really tough.
But it can get better.
Do you have therapy or professional support?
Can you build in outlets?
Or some form of safety plan for yourself?
 

jch

Confident
Hi @jch , sorry for what you have been through.

I don't know if our experiences are similar or not. But I was also not allowed to have feelings as a child. I was also ridiculed if I showed emotion. Or ignored. Or dismissed. I was made to make their emotions ok. This still happens now too, and I am 42. I am limiting my interaction with my family and figuring out if I do actually want a relationship with them or not.

It must be really hard to live with them. Where do you find you in this? Really tough.
But it can get better.
Do you have therapy or professional support?
Can you build in outlets?
Or some form of safety plan for yourself?
I don't really have the will. I've been manipulated and ground down so much that I'm mostly here to pay bills it seems. With my extreme anxiety, paranoia, and just naturally over sensitive, I not really that hard to take advantage of even when I know it's happening. This has been literally the first time putting any of this into words. It's just hard to put anything into words. I'm sorry if I'm rambling or being confusing. I don't really know what I'm saying.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
Holy cow, you are so good at putting into words some stuff that I have never been able to do. I thank you for that because for me right now it is very helpful.

I am very sorry for what you are going through. For what you have been through. I hope you find writing here to be helpful to you. My wish for you is that you are able to find your voice. You deserve to be heard.
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
Hi and welcome. It's really hard to feel that way. I had similar experiences growing up. You did a good job writing here. That's a positive first step. I used to try to write things here and I'd delete before I ever posted because it all felt so wrong. Eventually it did get easier.

Is there anything in particular you'd like from this post? We are here to support you
 

Elsewhere

Learning
Welcome @jch
I was also trained by my parents not to exhibit any type of emotion that was not conducive to their sense of being fine parents. To this day, I’m highly sensitive and feel triggered a lot when ppl point out my sensitivity, directly or indirectly. I’ve learned to mostly just avoid ppl IRL, but of course there’s a steep cost to this “solution“. I also know what it’s like to feel like I’m being attacked all the time, even when I’m alone. It seems there’s something inside me, perhaps the so-called Inner Critic, that has taken over where my parents (and others) left off. So now I’m dealing with malevolent ghosts. Yay
Please know that you’re not alone. There are ppl here who understand
 

jch

Confident
Welcome @jch
I was also trained by my parents not to exhibit any type of emotion that was not conducive to their sense of being fine parents. To this day, I’m highly sensitive and feel triggered a lot when ppl point out my sensitivity, directly or indirectly. I’ve learned to mostly just avoid ppl IRL, but of course there’s a steep cost to this “solution“. I also know what it’s like to feel like I’m being attacked all the time, even when I’m alone. It seems there’s something inside me, perhaps the so-called Inner Critic, that has taken over where my parents (and others) left off. So now I’m dealing with malevolent ghosts. Yay
Please know that you’re not alone. There are ppl here who understand
Yes! That's the worst part. I don't even need people to emotionally and mentally torture me anymore because it seems to have taken over a part of me. There is a constant narrator in my head that screams the most horrible stuff about everything I say, do, and think. If there isn't anything I'm doing then it brings up things I've done or said that I can mock myself for. I think I've put up so many protective walls that I've made my own prison. In a way it's worse than when I was growing up because even though people don't really target me anymore, due to my age I guess, but now I can never get away from the abuse. I can't do anything to stop it. I've tried "thinking positive". It's impossible to have, and believe in positivity when your brain screams the most vile stuff over top of it.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Yes! That's the worst part. I don't even need people to emotionally and mentally torture me anymore because it seems to have taken over a part of me. There is a constant narrator in my head that screams the most horrible stuff about everything I say, do, and think. If there isn't anything I'm doing then it brings up things I've done or said that I can mock myself for. I think I've put up so many protective walls that I've made my own prison. In a way it's worse than when I was growing up because even though people don't really target me anymore, due to my age I guess, but now I can never get away from the abuse. I can't do anything to stop it. I've tried "thinking positive". It's impossible to have, and believe in positivity when your brain screams the most vile stuff over top of it.
I can relate to that alot. You (we) get so used to abuse that we do it to ourselves. Haha!!! 😂 you've got to laugh at how our brain works! When my mind is like that I try to say positive affirmations to myself.
 

jch

Confident
Hi and welcome. It's really hard to feel that way. I had similar experiences growing up. You did a good job writing here. That's a positive first step. I used to try to write things here and I'd delete before I ever posted because it all felt so wrong. Eventually it did get easier.

Is there anything in particular you'd like from this post? We are here to support you
I don't really know what I want from posting here. Thank you and everyone for being kind. I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore, but even just typing this stuff is really messing me up.
 
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