Hi all,
I want to share my story with you guys and I hope I can get some strength and advice. I'm sorry in advance for my long story ;)
I've been together for 1 year with my (now ex)-boyfriend. A couple of years ago he suffered from a big trauma with involved losing his wife. She collapsed in his arms, was in coma for months and woke up with brain damage. Like the good man he is, he wanted to take care of her because she was his wife. But she was taken away from him by family and he has never seen her again. He fought for years to get her back, but with no result. You can imagine that this has damaged him for life.
About 1.5 years ago he changed his life, moved to a new country for work and he met me. Everything was lovely, there was a big chemistry between us, and we felt save with each other. We were both very happy and everything went well. I knew things about his past, so he was open about that. But we never talked about the future though, we both skipped this subject, because I had the feeling, he was not quite ready for that.
After 3 months of being together, life got difficult. Not so much between us, but his work took a lot out of him, which affected us. He worked the whole summer seven days a week and that made him exhausted. He started to get nightmares again (couldn't remember them exactly), but it made him feel uncomfortable and he also had trouble falling asleep.
From October on wards, he couldn’t get a break. His mother’s partner suddenly got very sick and passed away within two months. (in the same period, he lost his wife, so this was already a difficult time for him) A week after the funeral, work decided to not extend his contract. This came out of the blue, no signals were given. He did everything for his job and his job was the reason he came to my country in the first place. So, his stability, the job he loved so much, was gone. On top of that the corona outbreak came and the stress he had with that, also didn’t help. Both parents got very sick, so he worried a lot, plus finding a job these days, is difficult.
After the funeral, I noticed a change in his behaviour. He was down, was restless and he found it difficult to say nice things. And the big change came when he lost his job. Instead of pulling me closer, he needed more space to sort his head out. I didn’t know how to respond to it, I felt rejected so that made me sad and mad. I couldn’t get a grip, it felt like he was sand slipping through my fingers. I sometimes gave him some space when he asked for it, not without moaning at it first, but he also came to me when he needed a hug. We were still intimate, but it was less than before. That made me insecure, but I knew it was because of the things he went through and that he had a lot on his mind.
On the day we had our one-year anniversary, it all went downhill. He didn’t say or do anything on that day and didn’t want to meet up. I was very upset about that and his reply was that he just needed space to clear his head and he couldn’t deal with all these emotions. And that he, again, f*cked something up in his life. The next day I went to his house because I was very worried about him. We talked a bit, but I felt distance. We agreed on talking later that week. He cancelled 3 times, but I gave him the time he needed.
When we had the talk, he didn’t greet me with a hug, and he said his feelings were gone. He didn’t feel anything anymore (for anybody), his sexdrive was gone and his head was foggy, and he was stressed. He needed to sort his life out again and he needed to tackle this by himself before he could see if his feelings and emotions were coming back. He didn’t want to let me hang in and he said I deserve so much better. Somebody who is capable of giving me all the love I deserve. It felt like he was breaking up with me, without saying the words, so I got all my stuff and left.
We stayed in contact with each other and we saw each other twice a week for some hours. The contact was shallow, but at least it was some. But after these 2 weeks I wanted to get more answers, it was confusing me. And this time it hit me…I started to talk about us, and he started to shake and stutter. I was so shocked to see my strong boyfriend like this. He said he felt a lot of stress and anxiety but didn’t know why he was feeling like this. He also said he needed help and wanted to talk to somebody. He let me cuddle him, but he still felt he needed to do this alone.
When I got home, I googled on trauma and anxiety and that’s when I found out about PTSD. I had heard about it before, but never knew what the symptoms were. All the puzzle pieces came together, and I feel so naïve right now…how could I have missed it? I have the feeling I pushed him away because I handled his needs wrong and I didn’t really listen to him.
I’m reading into PTSD the last 3 weeks now and that’s the reason I also found this forum. It helped me a lot to understand what is going on in his head, but it also makes me very sad that he broke up with me and let me go because he thinks that’s the best for me/us.
I really don’t want to let him go, I want to be there for him and let him know I understand his behaviour and that I want to give him the space he needs. He always had the feeling he was not good enough for me and he always told me I could do so much better. And that breaks my heart. Because he means everything to me. He is all that I want and from the day I found out he has PTSD; I love him even more.
We were going for a walk the other day and he told me he talked to a therapist and that he is going to start with EDMR treatment. I was very proud of him that he took this step and that he was able to share this information with me.
We almost have contact every day and once a week we will talk over the phone, but it’s never about feelings or us, just safe topics. Today I spoke to him on videocall and he was very cheerful and happy and you couldn’t tell that he has PTSD. He had a good day, but for me it also looked like he was already over me. He was even talking about moving in with 2 female friends to split the renting cost…And that makes me sad, is it too late? He is reaching out to me and want to watch a movie over the phone. So again: safety. And I’m fine with that, I respect that.
It’s so hard right now. He broke up because he thought it was better for me to let me go because he’s feelings were gone, but I want to let him know how my knowledge about PTSD has opened my eyes. And I really believe this can only make our relationship stronger. Does anybody have any advice how to handle this? because he avoids difficult and emotional topics and I don’t want to push him, but I also wants him to know how I feel about things and what my feelings for him are. Because I’m scared that if he doesn’t know, he will drift away even further and this will end in just a friendship.
I hope someone can give me some advice.
Love R
I want to share my story with you guys and I hope I can get some strength and advice. I'm sorry in advance for my long story ;)
I've been together for 1 year with my (now ex)-boyfriend. A couple of years ago he suffered from a big trauma with involved losing his wife. She collapsed in his arms, was in coma for months and woke up with brain damage. Like the good man he is, he wanted to take care of her because she was his wife. But she was taken away from him by family and he has never seen her again. He fought for years to get her back, but with no result. You can imagine that this has damaged him for life.
About 1.5 years ago he changed his life, moved to a new country for work and he met me. Everything was lovely, there was a big chemistry between us, and we felt save with each other. We were both very happy and everything went well. I knew things about his past, so he was open about that. But we never talked about the future though, we both skipped this subject, because I had the feeling, he was not quite ready for that.
After 3 months of being together, life got difficult. Not so much between us, but his work took a lot out of him, which affected us. He worked the whole summer seven days a week and that made him exhausted. He started to get nightmares again (couldn't remember them exactly), but it made him feel uncomfortable and he also had trouble falling asleep.
From October on wards, he couldn’t get a break. His mother’s partner suddenly got very sick and passed away within two months. (in the same period, he lost his wife, so this was already a difficult time for him) A week after the funeral, work decided to not extend his contract. This came out of the blue, no signals were given. He did everything for his job and his job was the reason he came to my country in the first place. So, his stability, the job he loved so much, was gone. On top of that the corona outbreak came and the stress he had with that, also didn’t help. Both parents got very sick, so he worried a lot, plus finding a job these days, is difficult.
After the funeral, I noticed a change in his behaviour. He was down, was restless and he found it difficult to say nice things. And the big change came when he lost his job. Instead of pulling me closer, he needed more space to sort his head out. I didn’t know how to respond to it, I felt rejected so that made me sad and mad. I couldn’t get a grip, it felt like he was sand slipping through my fingers. I sometimes gave him some space when he asked for it, not without moaning at it first, but he also came to me when he needed a hug. We were still intimate, but it was less than before. That made me insecure, but I knew it was because of the things he went through and that he had a lot on his mind.
On the day we had our one-year anniversary, it all went downhill. He didn’t say or do anything on that day and didn’t want to meet up. I was very upset about that and his reply was that he just needed space to clear his head and he couldn’t deal with all these emotions. And that he, again, f*cked something up in his life. The next day I went to his house because I was very worried about him. We talked a bit, but I felt distance. We agreed on talking later that week. He cancelled 3 times, but I gave him the time he needed.
When we had the talk, he didn’t greet me with a hug, and he said his feelings were gone. He didn’t feel anything anymore (for anybody), his sexdrive was gone and his head was foggy, and he was stressed. He needed to sort his life out again and he needed to tackle this by himself before he could see if his feelings and emotions were coming back. He didn’t want to let me hang in and he said I deserve so much better. Somebody who is capable of giving me all the love I deserve. It felt like he was breaking up with me, without saying the words, so I got all my stuff and left.
We stayed in contact with each other and we saw each other twice a week for some hours. The contact was shallow, but at least it was some. But after these 2 weeks I wanted to get more answers, it was confusing me. And this time it hit me…I started to talk about us, and he started to shake and stutter. I was so shocked to see my strong boyfriend like this. He said he felt a lot of stress and anxiety but didn’t know why he was feeling like this. He also said he needed help and wanted to talk to somebody. He let me cuddle him, but he still felt he needed to do this alone.
When I got home, I googled on trauma and anxiety and that’s when I found out about PTSD. I had heard about it before, but never knew what the symptoms were. All the puzzle pieces came together, and I feel so naïve right now…how could I have missed it? I have the feeling I pushed him away because I handled his needs wrong and I didn’t really listen to him.
I’m reading into PTSD the last 3 weeks now and that’s the reason I also found this forum. It helped me a lot to understand what is going on in his head, but it also makes me very sad that he broke up with me and let me go because he thinks that’s the best for me/us.
I really don’t want to let him go, I want to be there for him and let him know I understand his behaviour and that I want to give him the space he needs. He always had the feeling he was not good enough for me and he always told me I could do so much better. And that breaks my heart. Because he means everything to me. He is all that I want and from the day I found out he has PTSD; I love him even more.
We were going for a walk the other day and he told me he talked to a therapist and that he is going to start with EDMR treatment. I was very proud of him that he took this step and that he was able to share this information with me.
We almost have contact every day and once a week we will talk over the phone, but it’s never about feelings or us, just safe topics. Today I spoke to him on videocall and he was very cheerful and happy and you couldn’t tell that he has PTSD. He had a good day, but for me it also looked like he was already over me. He was even talking about moving in with 2 female friends to split the renting cost…And that makes me sad, is it too late? He is reaching out to me and want to watch a movie over the phone. So again: safety. And I’m fine with that, I respect that.
It’s so hard right now. He broke up because he thought it was better for me to let me go because he’s feelings were gone, but I want to let him know how my knowledge about PTSD has opened my eyes. And I really believe this can only make our relationship stronger. Does anybody have any advice how to handle this? because he avoids difficult and emotional topics and I don’t want to push him, but I also wants him to know how I feel about things and what my feelings for him are. Because I’m scared that if he doesn’t know, he will drift away even further and this will end in just a friendship.
I hope someone can give me some advice.
Love R