How to live with a massive trigger for me??

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
Living with my mom as a grown adult purely for financial reasons.

She’s hard to live with in general but specifically for me because she’s been a major player in my memories of being raped as a child.

I’ve been able to ignore it and tell myself that my mind is playing tricks on me... there’s no way my own MOTHER could of done this.

But lately, past few months, I can’t fight it anymore. So filled with anger towards her. Was in my room all day today. Just left it to go outside for a smoke & she asked if I can help her with something. I said no... not in the nicest way.

I walked out as quick as I could because my brain felt like it was going to crack open with bad memories. I was (still am) squinting my eyes as though I have a bad headache because it feels like the only way to protect myself.

I don’t even know what I’m protecting myself from but I know it’s bad.

Stomach’s in complete knots too.

And I can’t tell her, right??? Because it’ll hurt her, possibly physically as she has a heart condition. And she’ll just deny deny deny. Which will make me feel crappier. I think

How do I live with this constantly in my face?? 🙁😞
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I don't know. I'm living with my mother which was supposed to be good, but it's not. I renovated the extra large garage into a cottage, and live there. I was suicidal for the first time in years so I get what you're saying. Can you get therapy? Do you think telling her will help you? You are the one that matters here, what do you need to make this work? Can you make it work?
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
Hey, thanks for checking up... I'm actually doing very badly. Had my brand new iPhone stolen out of my hand almost 2 weeks ago and have been bed-ridden ever since. Went to commit myself 2 psych ward but was traumatized by how they treated me in the emergency room and they said I would have to wait in the emergency room for about 7 days before a bed would open so I left. Psychologist and a psychiatrist looking for another place for me now. I think therapist has found me a home I can stay in for two weeks... at least
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry it's going so badly, but it sounds as if there will be some hope for the future. It is depressing to be in that situation, but keep thinking about how much better you will feel once you're out.
 

that_1_girl

Learning
I am truly truly sorry that I feel compelled to write this post and potentially trigger you a lot while you’re possibly still having a very hard time, but in reference to your OP..
My mother committed covert/emotional incest with me that bordered closely on overt/sexual incest. She did not ever rape me or molest me but she was extremely physically invasive/disregarding of my personal boundaries for my entire childhood and adolescence, and when I was a very small child (3) and had recently been raped for the first time (by a man), and said nothing, so there’s no way she could have known, still she encouraged me and prompted me to do things with her body (intimate but not sexual) that triggered me and compounded my rape trauma tremendously. I hate to say this but yes your mother could be the one who did it, or you could have been in a situation much like mine where it wasn’t exactly sexual incest but it was huge physical boundary violations. I hate to be this dispassionate and blunt but I’m in robot mode, so if you know what I’m talking about at all, just get the hell out of there if you can so that you can start to get better.
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
I am truly truly sorry that I feel compelled to write this post and potentially trigger you a lot while you’re possibly still having a very hard time, but in reference to your OP..
My mother committed covert/emotional incest with me that bordered closely on overt/sexual incest. She did not ever rape me or molest me but she was extremely physically invasive/disregarding of my personal boundaries for my entire childhood and adolescence, and when I was a very small child (3) and had recently been raped for the first time (by a man), and said nothing, so there’s no way she could have known, still she encouraged me and prompted me to do things with her body (intimate but not sexual) that triggered me and compounded my rape trauma tremendously. I hate to say this but yes your mother could be the one who did it, or you could have been in a situation much like mine where it wasn’t exactly sexual incest but it was huge physical boundary violations. I hate to be this dispassionate and blunt but I’m in robot mode, so if you know what I’m talking about at all, just get the hell out of there if you can so that you can start to get better.
I’m so sorry you went through this :(
I don’t think you’re dispassionate at all! Even though you’re in “robot mode” you’re still reaching out to help someone else… that sounds like a whole lot of compassion to me. I greatly appreciate it. And understand what you’re saying, feeling, communicating. I know I must get away from her… I’m just not quite sure WHY… yet.
thanks again
 

that_1_girl

Learning
I’m so sorry you went through this :(
I don’t think you’re dispassionate at all! Even though you’re in “robot mode” you’re still reaching out to help someone else… that sounds like a whole lot of compassion to me. I greatly appreciate it. And understand what you’re saying, feeling, communicating. I know I must get away from her… I’m just not quite sure WHY… yet.
thanks again
Thanks…I almost don’t think it matters exactly why. You know you need to get away from her and that’s the important thing
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’ve read a lot of these and I’m torn by them I lived with my wife’s mother and she died with us. I did it because I have severe autism in two children and because my own trauma manifested as failure to flourish at least partially. I loved and hated it. Everyone benefits and everyone suffers. It could be good or bad. I think it’s do able but works in probably about 5% of cases and the rest of the time I’d say expect these problems. Maybe we are supposed to be able to live with it? They did in the old days it wasn’t unusual for extended families to live together. It’s hard though. I hope the situation improves.
 
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