How to live with a massive trigger for me??

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
Living with my mom as a grown adult purely for financial reasons.

She’s hard to live with in general but specifically for me because she’s been a major player in my memories of being raped as a child.

I’ve been able to ignore it and tell myself that my mind is playing tricks on me... there’s no way my own MOTHER could of done this.

But lately, past few months, I can’t fight it anymore. So filled with anger towards her. Was in my room all day today. Just left it to go outside for a smoke & she asked if I can help her with something. I said no... not in the nicest way.

I walked out as quick as I could because my brain felt like it was going to crack open with bad memories. I was (still am) squinting my eyes as though I have a bad headache because it feels like the only way to protect myself.

I don’t even know what I’m protecting myself from but I know it’s bad.

Stomach’s in complete knots too.

And I can’t tell her, right??? Because it’ll hurt her, possibly physically as she has a heart condition. And she’ll just deny deny deny. Which will make me feel crappier. I think

How do I live with this constantly in my face?? 🙁😞
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I don't know. I'm living with my mother which was supposed to be good, but it's not. I renovated the extra large garage into a cottage, and live there. I was suicidal for the first time in years so I get what you're saying. Can you get therapy? Do you think telling her will help you? You are the one that matters here, what do you need to make this work? Can you make it work?
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
Hey, thanks for checking up... I'm actually doing very badly. Had my brand new iPhone stolen out of my hand almost 2 weeks ago and have been bed-ridden ever since. Went to commit myself 2 psych ward but was traumatized by how they treated me in the emergency room and they said I would have to wait in the emergency room for about 7 days before a bed would open so I left. Psychologist and a psychiatrist looking for another place for me now. I think therapist has found me a home I can stay in for two weeks... at least
 
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