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How to remember?

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I don't remember almost anything. I don't find any connection between my flashbacks and any traumatic event. Whenever I do think about traumatic event, it doesn't effect me in any way, even during a flashback. And if it does, emotions about it seem forced and shallow.

So, how do you remember your traumas, emotions, your previous life in the first place?
I barely remember something from the past 3 years of my life, and I'm not that person anymore, since I had amnesia and forgot everything I ever knew about the world and myself.

I don't see any point in remembering anything, because it doesn't induce any emotion in me. I still haven't connected any of my emotional flashbacks to events from my life, neither something cleared up in my mind about my mental state, aka why did I become like this. I feel very detached from everything, and even though I don't want to remain dissociated because I am completely miserable like this - I can't "undissociate".

Does anyone have any suggestion?
 
I put my amnesia and my dissociation in different drawers. I don't really want to remember anything more than I already do, but I'm dissociating less and less.
Memories come by their own accord, I don't do anything to bring them to light.
I deal with dissociation with therapy. Facing my stuff forces my body to feel emotions and actual feelings.
 
What was the cause of your amnesia?

I am not quite sure. Maybe medications I was on. Once I quit them cold-turkey in December 2016th, my personality changed (I lost it, to be precise, and to this day - I am no-one). Before amnesia happened, I was in hospital because I had a psychotic episode. I still don't think the cause of my memory loss and everything I've lost is trauma. But the MRI of the brain was okay, so, who knows...
 
Once I quit them cold-turkey in December 2016th, my personality changed (I lost it, to be precise, and to this day - I am no-one). Before amnesia happened, I was in hospital because I had a psychotic episode.
So, the amnesia occurred at the same time as the med quitting in Dec 2016? Was the psychotic episode before or after that?

(Sorry to be dense, I’m just trying to understand the timeline).
 
@joeylittle

Psychotic episode was before my memory loss. When I think about it - I really have no idea when did it happen, because I was in denial for a long time, thinking that I'm still the same person, so it's hard to distinguish was I in denial, or was I still myself at the time. I got out of hospital at the beginning of September 2016, heavily medicated. I'm not sure when it happened exactly, or did it even happen in the hospital.
 
So - my flashbacks were similar to how you describe yours as being. Very little feeling to them. No frame of reference. I had NO idea what they were about and I thought I had turned crazy in 5 minutes or less as they started after a real life in the moment trauma and I didn`t understand trauma at the time.

Man, that was a mouthful. Anyway, I am wondering if it is possible that something traumatic happened around the hospital for you. And mainly I am asking because when I feel that disconnection that you are speaking about - amnesiac, no timeline, few memories that make enough sense to matter, that usually means that I have fragmented again due to further trauma.

Not sure if that is possible in your case but thought I would share that in case it resonates with you at all.
 
I am wondering if it is possible that something traumatic happened around the hospital for you

Psychotic episode itself was a very traumatic period of my life. Today I had a "blurry" flashback of me being in a hospital. Body-wise, I felt everything I used to feel back then (which I completely forgot, I forgot that I felt that horrible, until it came up again today). It was extremely unpleasant, especially because I wasn't home. I felt like I was at my dead end, and I felt that way when I was psychotic. I still can't remember what happened, but something obviously did.

And mainly I am asking because when I feel that disconnection that you are speaking about - amnesiac, no timeline, few memories that make enough sense to matter, that usually means that I have fragmented again due to further trauma.

Also, can you explain what you mean? I'm not sure I understood.
 
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