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How to stop the thoughts of t hating you?

Discussion in 'Treatment & Therapy' started by UnicornSightings, Mar 7, 2018.

  1. UnicornSightings

    UnicornSightings Well-Known Member Donated

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    It’s happening again with new t. Nooooooooo!!! We had such a good rapport! Now I think he thinks I’m annoying and batshit crazy and just no! Not again! I told him if that happened with him (cause I told him about transference with old t) that I would be really open and honest but I can’t just ask him a billion times if he hates me! Cause if he doesn’t already, that will make him start to! I like myself. Quite a bit. Why is this coming up?! I’m not annoying or worth hating and if someone does actually think I’m annoying I realize that has to do with them and not me. For the first time I’m thinking I should skip therapy next week and I used to do that with the last t. It’s all repeating! How do I stop it?!
     
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  3. UnicornSightings

    UnicornSightings Well-Known Member Donated

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    Gave myself a huge dose of self-compassion this morning so I’m feeling way better.
     
  4. FauxLiz

    FauxLiz Well-Known Member Premium Member Donated

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    I am really glad that you are feeling better this morning because you are great and I am certain your t agrees. I know telling you that you can start over if you need to with someone I also know that you would rather stay with you t so maybe you can come up with something he says or does during each session to remind you that he likes you. Something minor like asks about a pet, or favorite team something that reminds you that he cares enough to remember you.
     
  5. UnicornSightings

    UnicornSightings Well-Known Member Donated

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    I’ve decided that I can’t really trust my thoughts on this because they are so habitual with this kind of thing. The fact that it’s a pattern is what’s making it untrue. So to trust my feelings (which is hard work). After our session I realized how much I need to just practice self-compassion and good self-care this week. I showed up to session as the me with some problems vs the always-laughing me. I let him see more anxiety and frustration and stress and judged myself severely for it when in actuality that was such a good thing! We have a good focus now and he has a better idea of what I’m going through and I’m noticing how my issues are different than they used to be. Like another layer had been peeled back. It’s crazy unpleasant but won’t be so bad when I keep letting go of the self-judgement.

    I get attached to mentors very easily. I love that he has a sense of humor and that he thinks I’m really funny but he does forget a lot of stuff. There’s A LOT of good but time will tell if it’s gonna be worth it to keep reminding him of stuff. It’s all still pretty new though so I plan to for sure give it quite a bit more time.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 8, 2018
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  6. berlinda

    berlinda On the way to find out :-) Premium Member Sponsor $100+

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    Great that you could do self compassion after that and that it helped so :)
     
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  7. Mach123

    Mach123 Well-Known Member Premium Member Donated

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    I'm really sorry I used to feel like this it's an awful feeling. : (
     
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  8. UnicornSightings

    UnicornSightings Well-Known Member Donated

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    Used to? How did you get it to stop? I’m working on just being reassuring to myself. How nothing is wrong with me, I’m ok, how it’s so good that I’m able to let down my guard more there and of course that’s gonna come with some worry about what anyone (not specifically him) thinks about that. How it’s my pattern and that takes time to change and how I’m impressed with how willing I am to explore things and keep going. And saying that stuff to myself makes me feel really good.
     
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  9. Mach123

    Mach123 Well-Known Member Premium Member Donated

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    It just went away slowly? She might hate but she does a good job at hiding it? I don't have as much contact with people so it happens less often. Something like that. Making people hate me is my stock in trade. I wish I could get paid for it I'd be rich. I wouldn't want everyone hating men though since its love I really want. : )
     
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  10. Valentino

    Valentino Active Member

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    Trying to control and avoid thoughts is a common trap that many fall into. My guess would be that there's underlying feelings and unmet needs that are triggering those negative thoughts.

    Stopping thoughts, or covering them up with other thoughts, doesn't address the feelings or unmet needs. It can work short term when you have ok energy levels and awareness, but long term it's not doing much.

    Acceptance & surrender are common pointers in both spiritual traditions and cognitive behavior therapy.
    SMART Recovery offers some tips for Unconditional Self Acceptance link here: Unconditional Self Acceptance - SMART Recovery
    This might be a clue to what the 'underlying unmet need' might be that's driving the thoughts you want to stop.

    Is it more important to feel good or is there also curiosity to figure out what the unmet need is, and address it more directly?
     
  11. UnicornSightings

    UnicornSightings Well-Known Member Donated

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    It’s starting again with this new t. Worried that he’s annoyed and thinks badly of me. I had it SOOOO bad with the last t but I had strong maternal transference with her. With new t I don’t think I have any and I don’t put him on a pedestal. Why is this happening yet again?! I don’t think I can do it again. Like it takes so much to be vulnerable but then to have it made SO much worse by believing the person you’ve just shared the hard stuff with things you’re awful?

    It’s GOTTA be easier for other people. What the hell is wrong with me? And why do I work so hard to try to please people so they don’t think so badly of me? I wish I could just get help for that but no one has any answers for me for how to stop thinking the way I do (of the therapists I’ve seen).
     
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  12. Sweetleaf

    Sweetleaf Well-Known Member

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    I worry so much about that, because she saw me while I was experiencing acute psychosis. It was so embarrassing. It's all so embarrassing.

    I don't worry so much about how she views how I have been after recovering from that, though.

    Also, I think the psychosis is so embarrassing, it makes it hard to feel embarrassed about things I've said to her since recovering fully.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2018
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  13. Still Standing

    Still Standing I'm a VIP

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    Nah...I just take it for granted that he sees me as the old lady that I am. He could be my youngest son. I figure that he thinks I am from the dark ages and he may not directly relate to my time line of life experiences. I mean, I'm from the era where phones were party lines and computers were people and pens and paper. At this point in therapy, I am not worried about what he thinks of me. Maybe that will be an issue next week. Who knows?
     
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