My husband and I have been married for 5 years but were good friends for a few years before that. Until now, I never met my in-laws. I would get super shy when talking to my mother in-law on the phone and had a few cases of blurting out stupid stuff due to anxiety. I wanted her to like me so badly I would just end up making a fool of my self.
For years my husband has assuredly told me his parents would like me, despite my fears. I would bring up things I was afraid they would like about me like the fact I smoked, but he would tell me they wouldn't care, all that mattered was that his parents would be glad to see him with someone who truly loved him.
Well.... it didn't turn out to be true. His dad gave me a bullshit story about why they couldn't have me around. I knew he was lying, my husband has the same behaviors when he is lying. My husband admitted that he knew his dad was lying because of certain behaviors and I said,"I know, because they are the same exact things you do when you are lying." hubby didn't like that. anyways getting off topic.
I realized I could easily stick up for myself to his dad, and would enjoy telling him exactly what I thought of his B.S. story, but didn't as to not cause waves, but the more I felt rejected by his mom, the more I wanted to please her.
And here is the problem in a nut shell. I crave a mother figure so badly and had such high hopes and dreams about us getting along, that I am more devastated than I should be. More than I can afford to be.
It is a pattern the more rejected I feel by older women the more I crave making them happy. I know they whys behind it stem from my childhood.
I have just always wanted a mother so bad to the point I either bend over backwards trying to please someone who is never going to like me, or I drive them away by a neediness then pull away pattern.
I HAVE TO stop wanting a mother so bad. It is never going to happen. The desire just causes me unnecessary pain. I have begged therapists to help me with this and I just get the "It's not you it's them, one day you will find what you are looking for." Not helpful. I need to stop the wanting. I am pretty good at not letting myself want material things I can't have. I actually have a very low desire for material items I don't need to survive.
So how do I stop wanting a mother figure. I am trying to do radical acceptance, but it isn't working and therapy has been of little to no help. I can change my behaviors no problem, but it is that deep seeded desire I first became aware of in elementary school. It is probably why even as an abuse victim, I feel more comfortable asserting myself to men than I do women. I don't need them to like me, like I do older women and women in authority.
I need to cut this thread and fast before it totally breaks me.
For years my husband has assuredly told me his parents would like me, despite my fears. I would bring up things I was afraid they would like about me like the fact I smoked, but he would tell me they wouldn't care, all that mattered was that his parents would be glad to see him with someone who truly loved him.
Well.... it didn't turn out to be true. His dad gave me a bullshit story about why they couldn't have me around. I knew he was lying, my husband has the same behaviors when he is lying. My husband admitted that he knew his dad was lying because of certain behaviors and I said,"I know, because they are the same exact things you do when you are lying." hubby didn't like that. anyways getting off topic.
I realized I could easily stick up for myself to his dad, and would enjoy telling him exactly what I thought of his B.S. story, but didn't as to not cause waves, but the more I felt rejected by his mom, the more I wanted to please her.
And here is the problem in a nut shell. I crave a mother figure so badly and had such high hopes and dreams about us getting along, that I am more devastated than I should be. More than I can afford to be.
It is a pattern the more rejected I feel by older women the more I crave making them happy. I know they whys behind it stem from my childhood.
I have just always wanted a mother so bad to the point I either bend over backwards trying to please someone who is never going to like me, or I drive them away by a neediness then pull away pattern.
I HAVE TO stop wanting a mother so bad. It is never going to happen. The desire just causes me unnecessary pain. I have begged therapists to help me with this and I just get the "It's not you it's them, one day you will find what you are looking for." Not helpful. I need to stop the wanting. I am pretty good at not letting myself want material things I can't have. I actually have a very low desire for material items I don't need to survive.
So how do I stop wanting a mother figure. I am trying to do radical acceptance, but it isn't working and therapy has been of little to no help. I can change my behaviors no problem, but it is that deep seeded desire I first became aware of in elementary school. It is probably why even as an abuse victim, I feel more comfortable asserting myself to men than I do women. I don't need them to like me, like I do older women and women in authority.
I need to cut this thread and fast before it totally breaks me.