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How to stop wanting something i can never have. it is desperate now.

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Fadeaway

MyPTSD Pro
My husband and I have been married for 5 years but were good friends for a few years before that. Until now, I never met my in-laws. I would get super shy when talking to my mother in-law on the phone and had a few cases of blurting out stupid stuff due to anxiety. I wanted her to like me so badly I would just end up making a fool of my self.

For years my husband has assuredly told me his parents would like me, despite my fears. I would bring up things I was afraid they would like about me like the fact I smoked, but he would tell me they wouldn't care, all that mattered was that his parents would be glad to see him with someone who truly loved him.

Well.... it didn't turn out to be true. His dad gave me a bullshit story about why they couldn't have me around. I knew he was lying, my husband has the same behaviors when he is lying. My husband admitted that he knew his dad was lying because of certain behaviors and I said,"I know, because they are the same exact things you do when you are lying." hubby didn't like that. anyways getting off topic.

I realized I could easily stick up for myself to his dad, and would enjoy telling him exactly what I thought of his B.S. story, but didn't as to not cause waves, but the more I felt rejected by his mom, the more I wanted to please her.

And here is the problem in a nut shell. I crave a mother figure so badly and had such high hopes and dreams about us getting along, that I am more devastated than I should be. More than I can afford to be.

It is a pattern the more rejected I feel by older women the more I crave making them happy. I know they whys behind it stem from my childhood.

I have just always wanted a mother so bad to the point I either bend over backwards trying to please someone who is never going to like me, or I drive them away by a neediness then pull away pattern.

I HAVE TO stop wanting a mother so bad. It is never going to happen. The desire just causes me unnecessary pain. I have begged therapists to help me with this and I just get the "It's not you it's them, one day you will find what you are looking for." Not helpful. I need to stop the wanting. I am pretty good at not letting myself want material things I can't have. I actually have a very low desire for material items I don't need to survive.

So how do I stop wanting a mother figure. I am trying to do radical acceptance, but it isn't working and therapy has been of little to no help. I can change my behaviors no problem, but it is that deep seeded desire I first became aware of in elementary school. It is probably why even as an abuse victim, I feel more comfortable asserting myself to men than I do women. I don't need them to like me, like I do older women and women in authority.

I need to cut this thread and fast before it totally breaks me.
 
Can you give your self Self Compassion via Self Compassion Breaks? You can download them or listen to them for free. There is a section about tips for practice, which points out when you start giving yourself Self Compassion you will sometimes feel worse!

I don't think you can give up a primal hard wired desire for survival that comes as part of the package deal of being a human, sorry about that but I don't think it is at all possible. Meeting your own needs is the only way I know to move forward, and I struggle a lot with this.
 
Well, if you find out how to stop wanting something you can never have, please let me know. You're not alone in wanting something really badly, and not getting to have it.

I'm sterile but I want -my own- kids, including the whole entire process, pregnancy, everything.

When other women complain about pregnancy problems, I pretty much just sit there going "literally 0 f*cks given" in my head. No mercy, no compassion, no sympathy, I just feel hatred, jealousy, and a desire to kill myself.

: )

Not that I will ever follow through with those desires. I just sit there and kinda feel pissed that I have to feel them, at the moment.

Radical acceptance is something I've heard of, in circles of people that have problems like mine. No f*cking -clue- how to make myself undergo "radical acceptance" in regards to that, and many other things.
 
Hello Fadeaway,

HAVE TO stop wanting a mother so bad. It is never going to happen. The desire just causes me unnecessary pain.

I can relate to this, and its extremely painful... I know what you mean. In my case I want to be liked by those who are not willing (This can be seen as my perception of a person who “rejects“me) To give me that attention, who are apparently hostile. As if I want their mercy. It could be seen as a need of an emotional/self part, that needs something to be repaired. This selfstate says “you can make it OK this time, to make the oppressor/abuser like you“.

I can, like you, grasp this cognitively but there is still a strong disparity here, knowing and the ability to reach out to those emotional landscapes. When I meet such people, I suddenly feel fear, fear their rejection and so on. In therapy, this selfstate needs to express her feelings, she has a name, an age, her characteristics (Not talking of DID).
My T asks me to visualize an inner circle, this is being trained over and over again, who are helper parts? Who are taking care of those fragile emotional parts? Etc. The more they connect, and find their space to trust. I must say, even having done all this therapy I wouldnt say that I can deal with them always in a good wa, its just that the inner circle can give some form a safety feel.
The more I try to keep those emotions locked up, ignoring the fragilty, the harder they hit me. If I can welcome them (Sounds a bit silly maybe) on a secure ground they ultimately will tell their (our) story. This might be a good way to reconnect, to find a narrative, one doesnt feel fragmented, less splintered which is what happens when we experience trauma. Parts of our self stay frozen in time. They havent realized the Then and now.

The more they connect, and find their space to trust.

Sorry mistake here
 
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The things I want usually hurt me. That desperate feeling is a bad feeling attached to something i think i want. So now bad is good. So pained good. I want it so bad. Like if it hurts enough maybe I'll have it. I have a thing like this I dwell on and recently I realised it's not about that situation it's about me somehow or the circumstances are not important it's the feelings and they are not what I think they are. It hurts though, that's the main thing. They are coming from somewhere else and I apply them incorrectly to the situation I'm looking at. Then I go back to it over and over. So I must like pain. Especially if it's a thing I can't do anything about. Perfect.
 
@Fadeaway I know this pain. While reading your post I had to stop because I realized that I was confused whether I had written it or someone else had. It's tremendously difficult. I have the same patterns you do. Please them even though they'll never like me. Drive them away. I am sorry that I have not found out how to get rid of this desire myself. However, I have a therapist that told me that bilateral stimulation or EMDR can be very helpful in the grieving process that I seem to be stuck in. I feel sort of hopeful about this idea. Has that been something you've tried? I'm curious if it has worked for anyone else. I send you hugs.
 
So how do I stop wanting a mother figure.
You build the perfect mother in your mind and you carry her with you. You ask her for advice, you make her as beautiful and classy as you want. You can go to movies together in your mind, go shopping, walk on the beach.

Your mind, if you do this properly, won't know the difference between real and not real. So it will ease your compulsion to seek out anyone and everyone who could possibly fit the bill.

I went through this just prior to my major meltdown and resulting diagnosis of cPTSD. It is a horrible crazy feeling that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I am so sorry you are going through this @Fadeaway. :hug:
 
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