How To Talk About Triggers?

[Kiralia]

Hello, I am new here. I need advice. I told my dad about my PTSD and gave him a bit of information on it, but I feel like he doesn't understand what is going on. Luckily, I have mostly recovered from PTSD. My symptoms went from non-stop hell to just a few triggers in the year. I tried recently to explain him how it felt like, but he is always telling me things like 'You are way too sensitive' , ' You know, that thing you are telling me about, it was years ago, move on with life', 'Is there two you, one that have self-control and the other who doesn't?' (because he think I can choose to have a trigger or not). Then he tries to do CBT on me. I have done CBT in the past and it helped a lot. I understand that my dad wants to help me, but the thing is that he isn't a therapist. He just tell me over and over to generate alternate thoughts, suggesting what I am going trough is in my head, doesn't exist and doesn't have physical symptoms . I feel like he is dismissing what I am going trough. He want me to push a button and completely stop the symptoms because it make me sad to see me like this. I understand his point of view but being dismissed like that... I really want to just shut myself in, stop talking about it.... Then I remember I promised him I would tell him if my symptoms came back. I am stuck between my promise and his reactions who honestly harm me more than actually help me. I just want him to understand me and stop telling me what I am experiencing isn't real... Like it took me like four time at least of telling the backstory over and over a few year ago, while re experiencing it before he started to believe that I had PTSD in the first place... Same thing for the depression, it was like oh I have been bullied too but I never imagined I had that genetic decease! Ugh. I really want the relationship to go well but I hate those conversations. Is there anything I can do so he could understand better what is going on ?

TLDR; told my dad I experienced a trigger lately, he doesn't understand. What do I do?

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Hello, I am new here. I need advice. I told my dad about my PTSD and gave him a bit of information on it...

It is like trying to explain a new color to someone until you put it into a simple understandable context that they can use as an analogous type concept to pull from. My father is awful at this stuff so I made a point to him. I was asking him how to do X socially. He said it wasn't possible to explain or know that. I then asked him if he has seen people that are very good with their words socially and others that are terrible at it socially. He replied he did notice that. Then I said, that means that there IS a way to understand it otherwise those people that are good with words would not be good with words across the board whereas others are terrible at it across the board with small minor times that someone actually resonates with that terrible communication style. Then he understood and replied, ok, but I don't know how the answer. I said, that is all I wanted, was an answer of how or that you don't know.

Unless you have dealt with a mental situation that you have had to analyze and understand, people tend to not have that experience of doing those things and just don't understand it at all or enough to get it.

Even I that has an extensive amount of experience with mental situations, dealing with people that have had them, etc., that doesn't mean I understand how it feels to have PTSD and to be honest, not all people with PTSD will understand other people fully that also have PTSD since it is such a massive set of traits and behaviors and that your core self dictates how that set of things is filtered.

There ARE some situations that ALL people have had in life that they understand however. Or at least most people. Depression, heartbreak, being in love, broken trust, and a few other bits. Depression being the best example because it is such a drastic difference from your normal personality. Being in love isn't even as drastic, and heartbreak can be low grade or devastating. Depression however is a dark hole most people are familiar with on the same levels.

So perhaps frame it as, you know when you have really bad depression and that nothing seems to make much sense even if people are trying to tell you it will be ok but you just can't see it until you are actually out of it? It is like that kind of mental difference, but in my case, I experience, xyz.

Many families want to ignore the issue just like they want to ignore the issue of someone they love having a drug problem. They want to think everything is ok because it is terrifyingly painful to see someone going through something you can't control and must just witness happening. It is like watching your loved one walk into fire and you being chained down and muzzled and unable to help stop them or prevent them from doing that damage to themselves. Or if you are a parent, it is like watching your child walk into traffic and knowing there is no possible way you can get to them in time and all you can do is watch in horror, not knowing what is going to happen to them. My partner or ex, who knows at this point, goes through crazy periods where all I can do is nothing and hope that she comes out the other side not dead or hurt and still remembering that we are deeply in love. Sorta like a demon has possessed her and I can't do a damn thing about it.

Try to frame the concepts in ways that you are sure that your family member or whoever you are explaining to, can actually understand on a deep level. Hopefully this helps.

 

[Sideways]

Have you had a good talk with your dad about the fact that you want his support, but the things he's saying aren't helpful? Being specific with people is really helpful... "When I say this, what I need to hear is...", and similarly, "When you say this, it makes me feel..."

I've dound that with my mum, she doesn't actually need to 'get it', so long as she knows how to respond in a helpful way...

 

[Kiralia]

@mr_smith_v2
Thank you for your reply! You are right. It really feels like describing a new colour. I think I was trying too hard to find a way to descrive how it felt, instead of focusing more on just giving him the information I needed to give him and how I needed him to react. I went talking to him again yesterday and hopefully we sorted this out. It was a big misunderstanding. I tried to focus more on stuff he could relate to and I think he understand a bit more what is going on. I agree with you about family wanting to not see the problem. I am sorry for your partner. While I haven't experienced it like you do (everyone is different), I do have a friend who is struggling with mental health problems. It is really awful knowking that I can't stop her from getting hurt, when everything is happening in front of me.

@Ragdoll Circus
Thank you! It is true, it feels so simple now that you are mentionning it. Funny thing, when we had this conversation a few days ago, I completly forgot to do that. I went talking to him yesterday and I followed your advice. It worked! I also went a little bit more in detail than the last time and I realised that what I had said the first time wasn't actually clear at all. I am so glad :D