caroline_13
MyPTSD Pro
Hi there-
I'm so exasperated! I'm in a very heavy trigger state the last few months because I am trying to do a full-time fellowship (unpaid) plus work parttime. I have had bad luck re the parttime work—I moved to a new city so I had no contacts. I found a job at a retail store, but the owner exhibited severe anger management issues toward me and my friend who worked there confirmed it (he actually freaked out at me and fired me in front of customers for no reason, then e-mailed trying to get me to come back), so I never went back. Then I found a job working for a lawyer who laid me off twice (first time laid off then rehired in the same day), and so I’m back exactly where I was two months ago.
My fellowship also sort of sucks (I’m doing administrative work when I should be doing more law-related stuff), but I can’t leave it. I can’t leave it because it looks really good on my resume and I am getting other benefits out of it—also, I’m not going to allow the stupid bitches that trigger me to break me. Yet, it makes me angry how exploitative it is and how much I’m disrespected and how cliquey some of the people there are. I’ve never been unpopular or bullied, really, and even if someone didn’t like me, they still knew better than to f*ck with me. But I have been f*cked with here because I am obviously in a bad spot just now, a couple of the girls I work with are emotionally vapid and soulless, and not smart enough for their own good.
I had a situation last Wednesday morning where a co-worker on my floor came across the room to yell at me at my cubicle. L may have thought her action was justified, but it was quite disproportionate to what had occurred. I was very triggered, for the following reasons:
1. L was yelling at me.
2. L was doing it in front of other people.
3. The girl who works closest to me looked over right away.
4. Someone from across the room asked what was going on.
5. L had seen me down and out in the past few days, and sometimes in a bad mood (and there is one other triggering person there who has treated me badly that I avoid, and L probably didn’t think and attributed all the blame to me), and I felt that L would not have had the “bravado” to storm over and yell at me in front of others had all the above not occurred.
So, I texted L and told her if she needed to talk to me she could do it in private and there was no need to do it in front of everyone. I also called her out, saying that I don’t believe she would’ve had that reaction had the same events happened with someone other than me.
She didn’t respond for a while, but it started to take its toll on me. The other girl who had treated me very badly had finally left the prior day, so for this to happen so soon and to know it was because I was self-isolating was too much. I just sobbed at my desk—I couldn’t even make it to the attic or bathroom like I usually do.
Now, when someone triggers me like that, I avoid them. And if I pass them, my heart starts racing and I can in no circumstances look them in the eye. Sending e-mails is doable, but not talking.
I had a therapy appointment at lunch, and I told my therapist about it, including that I was worried that L thought bad things about me even though I knew I shouldn’t care about that because her impressions were formed without much thought, knowledge, or wisdom, and because she’s too immature for me to deserve to care. My therapist confirmed this. Then, I told my therapist Ll had replied with three text messages but I couldn’t read them and it would be a few days MINIMUM before I could, given my emotional state. (I had lost my job earlier that week so everything was extra pins and needles). My therapist offered to read the messages.
She summarized for me, and said, “Caroline, she did a half apology, a sorry . . .but.” I started to worry about what else L had said, knowing, again, that I shouldn’t care about it. Part of this is because I consistently worry about how I come across to others and how I appear. My therapist said, “Caroline, the rest that I haven’t told you isn’t even bad things. It’s just stupid. You’re better than this.” So, I deleted the messages off my phone.
I told my therapist I didn’t think I could work on my floor anymore, at least for a couple weeks, and there was an intern desk on the 3rd floor I could probably move to. My therapist encouraged me to just move my desk, then. So I did. I did e-mail the Executive Director (B) right away that I needed to speak to her outside of or after work and it was urgent (I couldn’t just go to her office b/c L works right outside and the conversations can be easily heard). I couldn’t even ask my immediate boss (who often beings to trigger me because he can be assholish, so no way am I going to tell him about my PTSD) because he was gone that afternoon and arrived late the next morning. But there was a big shitting of bricks festival about it the next day, which includes, but is not limited to, the following:
My immediate boss (who is often short with me) told me very crankily that I couldn’t move the desk, and I said I work better down here and I’ll talk about it with B (our Executive Director), and he got very impatient and said, “This isn’t a B issue. This is a switching desks issue.” And I responded very simply without even making eye contact: “This is a B issue. There is information you do not have.” And he just said, “Oh,” like a big idiot, and sounded very small. Then he left.
He immediately began being nicer to me, and later called me into his office and asked me very concernedly, what was going on and if he could help with anything. I said I don’t want to talk about it.
I later did talk to the executive director about it, but this is the thing: I’m not in a place yet where I’m comfortable disclosing to my employer that I have PTSD. She made a big deal about changing my desk without prior approval and said she would talk to L, but I wasn’t looking for her to swoop in and save me or anything, and didn’t even care if she talked to L.
One thing I’m endlessly frustrated with is that I’m young (not yet 30) and look like I could be ten years younger. That, coupled with my symptoms, makes a lot of people assume I have an attitude problem if I react to a trigger. Or, that I’m immature, or they just assume that because I’m young. I’m so sick of getting talked down to when I have a lot of wisdom and have survived things that the person talking down to me would not have made it through.
I could tell that the Executive Director, B, was being defensive, and thought I was throwing a pity party. She even gave me contradictory information—saying I needed to grow a thicker spine and telling me I should’ve talked to my boss sooner. I pointed out that it was contradictory, and she said, oh yeah. Then she tried to dig her way out of it by saying, Well, I guess you have to do both at the same time and know your boundaries. I said that’s exactly what I’ve been doing and what I’m doing right now. She seemed to think I was still overreacting, and I could tell that was her own problem, even though I desperately did not want her to think that, but I was simultaneously struggling with shame about knowing that my reaction was so intense because of my PTSD and feeling shame about having PTSD. So, at the end, I told her I have PTSD. That changed the tone of the conversation. She said, “I did not know that.” Then she told me I should have disclosed that when I started and asked what triggered it. I told her, okay, this is a typical non-survivor query of wanting a laundry list of triggers so we can exactly avoid them and never have the situation of being triggered. I said sometimes I don’t know. That’s the way it goes, and it usually is a combination of factors, and often it creeps up on me. I did say that the situations that had happened—where there is more than one person “against” me, are very triggering. I just felt like screaming “ASSHOLEDOM, that’s what triggers me”—because it’s really not that hard.
Really, what I think at this moment in time, is, that PTSD doesn’t even have to be brought into the picture. What had been done to me was unprofessional, immature, and would be triggering to someone without triggers. Yet, I know that my wanting to avoid L completely and move my desk is due to my PTSD. Because I am capable of sucking up a lot. One thing I often worry about is people manipulating the fact that I have PTSD to explain away/invalidate my reactions to certain things, and this is especially dangerous as I’m still figuring out my triggers and what I’m capable of handling, and working on it!
So, I have three questions: (1) how do I work in the same building with someone I want to avoid? I think it’s not the hardest thing to do, but it’s still very hard, like I don’t want to give L the satisfaction of even saying “hello.” I think that goes back to not wanting to give my parents (my abusers) the satisfaction of thinking I was ever content with them. Plus, it’s scary—the way she acted makes me feel so intensely violated and targeted that I still feel it strongly. (2) Also, I’m thinking about disclosing to my next employer straightaway that I have PTSD, b/c it’s a way for me to own it, diminish the shame, and not let it be a big scary secret. And, (3) I still feel shame about this, and part of me just wants to be spineless so I can get along with everyone, and I worry I'm the problem. Because I have had problems in the past, too. When I think about it logically, though, I know I work with a lot of lawyers who can naturally be assholish, I have fixed some things about myself I don't like, I always focus on chastising myself instead of knowing there are many situations where I've thrived, and I haven't been in a place where my triggers are under control for over five years, at least. I guess that last one isn't a question, it's just the process of building confidence and talking logic to my emotions when needed. Thoughts?
Caroline
I'm so exasperated! I'm in a very heavy trigger state the last few months because I am trying to do a full-time fellowship (unpaid) plus work parttime. I have had bad luck re the parttime work—I moved to a new city so I had no contacts. I found a job at a retail store, but the owner exhibited severe anger management issues toward me and my friend who worked there confirmed it (he actually freaked out at me and fired me in front of customers for no reason, then e-mailed trying to get me to come back), so I never went back. Then I found a job working for a lawyer who laid me off twice (first time laid off then rehired in the same day), and so I’m back exactly where I was two months ago.
My fellowship also sort of sucks (I’m doing administrative work when I should be doing more law-related stuff), but I can’t leave it. I can’t leave it because it looks really good on my resume and I am getting other benefits out of it—also, I’m not going to allow the stupid bitches that trigger me to break me. Yet, it makes me angry how exploitative it is and how much I’m disrespected and how cliquey some of the people there are. I’ve never been unpopular or bullied, really, and even if someone didn’t like me, they still knew better than to f*ck with me. But I have been f*cked with here because I am obviously in a bad spot just now, a couple of the girls I work with are emotionally vapid and soulless, and not smart enough for their own good.
I had a situation last Wednesday morning where a co-worker on my floor came across the room to yell at me at my cubicle. L may have thought her action was justified, but it was quite disproportionate to what had occurred. I was very triggered, for the following reasons:
1. L was yelling at me.
2. L was doing it in front of other people.
3. The girl who works closest to me looked over right away.
4. Someone from across the room asked what was going on.
5. L had seen me down and out in the past few days, and sometimes in a bad mood (and there is one other triggering person there who has treated me badly that I avoid, and L probably didn’t think and attributed all the blame to me), and I felt that L would not have had the “bravado” to storm over and yell at me in front of others had all the above not occurred.
So, I texted L and told her if she needed to talk to me she could do it in private and there was no need to do it in front of everyone. I also called her out, saying that I don’t believe she would’ve had that reaction had the same events happened with someone other than me.
She didn’t respond for a while, but it started to take its toll on me. The other girl who had treated me very badly had finally left the prior day, so for this to happen so soon and to know it was because I was self-isolating was too much. I just sobbed at my desk—I couldn’t even make it to the attic or bathroom like I usually do.
Now, when someone triggers me like that, I avoid them. And if I pass them, my heart starts racing and I can in no circumstances look them in the eye. Sending e-mails is doable, but not talking.
I had a therapy appointment at lunch, and I told my therapist about it, including that I was worried that L thought bad things about me even though I knew I shouldn’t care about that because her impressions were formed without much thought, knowledge, or wisdom, and because she’s too immature for me to deserve to care. My therapist confirmed this. Then, I told my therapist Ll had replied with three text messages but I couldn’t read them and it would be a few days MINIMUM before I could, given my emotional state. (I had lost my job earlier that week so everything was extra pins and needles). My therapist offered to read the messages.
She summarized for me, and said, “Caroline, she did a half apology, a sorry . . .but.” I started to worry about what else L had said, knowing, again, that I shouldn’t care about it. Part of this is because I consistently worry about how I come across to others and how I appear. My therapist said, “Caroline, the rest that I haven’t told you isn’t even bad things. It’s just stupid. You’re better than this.” So, I deleted the messages off my phone.
I told my therapist I didn’t think I could work on my floor anymore, at least for a couple weeks, and there was an intern desk on the 3rd floor I could probably move to. My therapist encouraged me to just move my desk, then. So I did. I did e-mail the Executive Director (B) right away that I needed to speak to her outside of or after work and it was urgent (I couldn’t just go to her office b/c L works right outside and the conversations can be easily heard). I couldn’t even ask my immediate boss (who often beings to trigger me because he can be assholish, so no way am I going to tell him about my PTSD) because he was gone that afternoon and arrived late the next morning. But there was a big shitting of bricks festival about it the next day, which includes, but is not limited to, the following:
My immediate boss (who is often short with me) told me very crankily that I couldn’t move the desk, and I said I work better down here and I’ll talk about it with B (our Executive Director), and he got very impatient and said, “This isn’t a B issue. This is a switching desks issue.” And I responded very simply without even making eye contact: “This is a B issue. There is information you do not have.” And he just said, “Oh,” like a big idiot, and sounded very small. Then he left.
He immediately began being nicer to me, and later called me into his office and asked me very concernedly, what was going on and if he could help with anything. I said I don’t want to talk about it.
I later did talk to the executive director about it, but this is the thing: I’m not in a place yet where I’m comfortable disclosing to my employer that I have PTSD. She made a big deal about changing my desk without prior approval and said she would talk to L, but I wasn’t looking for her to swoop in and save me or anything, and didn’t even care if she talked to L.
One thing I’m endlessly frustrated with is that I’m young (not yet 30) and look like I could be ten years younger. That, coupled with my symptoms, makes a lot of people assume I have an attitude problem if I react to a trigger. Or, that I’m immature, or they just assume that because I’m young. I’m so sick of getting talked down to when I have a lot of wisdom and have survived things that the person talking down to me would not have made it through.
I could tell that the Executive Director, B, was being defensive, and thought I was throwing a pity party. She even gave me contradictory information—saying I needed to grow a thicker spine and telling me I should’ve talked to my boss sooner. I pointed out that it was contradictory, and she said, oh yeah. Then she tried to dig her way out of it by saying, Well, I guess you have to do both at the same time and know your boundaries. I said that’s exactly what I’ve been doing and what I’m doing right now. She seemed to think I was still overreacting, and I could tell that was her own problem, even though I desperately did not want her to think that, but I was simultaneously struggling with shame about knowing that my reaction was so intense because of my PTSD and feeling shame about having PTSD. So, at the end, I told her I have PTSD. That changed the tone of the conversation. She said, “I did not know that.” Then she told me I should have disclosed that when I started and asked what triggered it. I told her, okay, this is a typical non-survivor query of wanting a laundry list of triggers so we can exactly avoid them and never have the situation of being triggered. I said sometimes I don’t know. That’s the way it goes, and it usually is a combination of factors, and often it creeps up on me. I did say that the situations that had happened—where there is more than one person “against” me, are very triggering. I just felt like screaming “ASSHOLEDOM, that’s what triggers me”—because it’s really not that hard.
Really, what I think at this moment in time, is, that PTSD doesn’t even have to be brought into the picture. What had been done to me was unprofessional, immature, and would be triggering to someone without triggers. Yet, I know that my wanting to avoid L completely and move my desk is due to my PTSD. Because I am capable of sucking up a lot. One thing I often worry about is people manipulating the fact that I have PTSD to explain away/invalidate my reactions to certain things, and this is especially dangerous as I’m still figuring out my triggers and what I’m capable of handling, and working on it!
So, I have three questions: (1) how do I work in the same building with someone I want to avoid? I think it’s not the hardest thing to do, but it’s still very hard, like I don’t want to give L the satisfaction of even saying “hello.” I think that goes back to not wanting to give my parents (my abusers) the satisfaction of thinking I was ever content with them. Plus, it’s scary—the way she acted makes me feel so intensely violated and targeted that I still feel it strongly. (2) Also, I’m thinking about disclosing to my next employer straightaway that I have PTSD, b/c it’s a way for me to own it, diminish the shame, and not let it be a big scary secret. And, (3) I still feel shame about this, and part of me just wants to be spineless so I can get along with everyone, and I worry I'm the problem. Because I have had problems in the past, too. When I think about it logically, though, I know I work with a lot of lawyers who can naturally be assholish, I have fixed some things about myself I don't like, I always focus on chastising myself instead of knowing there are many situations where I've thrived, and I haven't been in a place where my triggers are under control for over five years, at least. I guess that last one isn't a question, it's just the process of building confidence and talking logic to my emotions when needed. Thoughts?
Caroline