• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

How To Work With Someone Who Triggers You

Status
Not open for further replies.

caroline_13

MyPTSD Pro
Hi there-

I'm so exasperated! I'm in a very heavy trigger state the last few months because I am trying to do a full-time fellowship (unpaid) plus work parttime. I have had bad luck re the parttime work—I moved to a new city so I had no contacts. I found a job at a retail store, but the owner exhibited severe anger management issues toward me and my friend who worked there confirmed it (he actually freaked out at me and fired me in front of customers for no reason, then e-mailed trying to get me to come back), so I never went back. Then I found a job working for a lawyer who laid me off twice (first time laid off then rehired in the same day), and so I’m back exactly where I was two months ago.

My fellowship also sort of sucks (I’m doing administrative work when I should be doing more law-related stuff), but I can’t leave it. I can’t leave it because it looks really good on my resume and I am getting other benefits out of it—also, I’m not going to allow the stupid bitches that trigger me to break me. Yet, it makes me angry how exploitative it is and how much I’m disrespected and how cliquey some of the people there are. I’ve never been unpopular or bullied, really, and even if someone didn’t like me, they still knew better than to f*ck with me. But I have been f*cked with here because I am obviously in a bad spot just now, a couple of the girls I work with are emotionally vapid and soulless, and not smart enough for their own good.

I had a situation last Wednesday morning where a co-worker on my floor came across the room to yell at me at my cubicle. L may have thought her action was justified, but it was quite disproportionate to what had occurred. I was very triggered, for the following reasons:

1. L was yelling at me.
2. L was doing it in front of other people.
3. The girl who works closest to me looked over right away.
4. Someone from across the room asked what was going on.
5. L had seen me down and out in the past few days, and sometimes in a bad mood (and there is one other triggering person there who has treated me badly that I avoid, and L probably didn’t think and attributed all the blame to me), and I felt that L would not have had the “bravado” to storm over and yell at me in front of others had all the above not occurred.
So, I texted L and told her if she needed to talk to me she could do it in private and there was no need to do it in front of everyone. I also called her out, saying that I don’t believe she would’ve had that reaction had the same events happened with someone other than me.

She didn’t respond for a while, but it started to take its toll on me. The other girl who had treated me very badly had finally left the prior day, so for this to happen so soon and to know it was because I was self-isolating was too much. I just sobbed at my desk—I couldn’t even make it to the attic or bathroom like I usually do.

Now, when someone triggers me like that, I avoid them. And if I pass them, my heart starts racing and I can in no circumstances look them in the eye. Sending e-mails is doable, but not talking.

I had a therapy appointment at lunch, and I told my therapist about it, including that I was worried that L thought bad things about me even though I knew I shouldn’t care about that because her impressions were formed without much thought, knowledge, or wisdom, and because she’s too immature for me to deserve to care. My therapist confirmed this. Then, I told my therapist Ll had replied with three text messages but I couldn’t read them and it would be a few days MINIMUM before I could, given my emotional state. (I had lost my job earlier that week so everything was extra pins and needles). My therapist offered to read the messages.

She summarized for me, and said, “Caroline, she did a half apology, a sorry . . .but.” I started to worry about what else L had said, knowing, again, that I shouldn’t care about it. Part of this is because I consistently worry about how I come across to others and how I appear. My therapist said, “Caroline, the rest that I haven’t told you isn’t even bad things. It’s just stupid. You’re better than this.” So, I deleted the messages off my phone.

I told my therapist I didn’t think I could work on my floor anymore, at least for a couple weeks, and there was an intern desk on the 3rd floor I could probably move to. My therapist encouraged me to just move my desk, then. So I did. I did e-mail the Executive Director (B) right away that I needed to speak to her outside of or after work and it was urgent (I couldn’t just go to her office b/c L works right outside and the conversations can be easily heard). I couldn’t even ask my immediate boss (who often beings to trigger me because he can be assholish, so no way am I going to tell him about my PTSD) because he was gone that afternoon and arrived late the next morning. But there was a big shitting of bricks festival about it the next day, which includes, but is not limited to, the following:

My immediate boss (who is often short with me) told me very crankily that I couldn’t move the desk, and I said I work better down here and I’ll talk about it with B (our Executive Director), and he got very impatient and said, “This isn’t a B issue. This is a switching desks issue.” And I responded very simply without even making eye contact: “This is a B issue. There is information you do not have.” And he just said, “Oh,” like a big idiot, and sounded very small. Then he left.

He immediately began being nicer to me, and later called me into his office and asked me very concernedly, what was going on and if he could help with anything. I said I don’t want to talk about it.

I later did talk to the executive director about it, but this is the thing: I’m not in a place yet where I’m comfortable disclosing to my employer that I have PTSD. She made a big deal about changing my desk without prior approval and said she would talk to L, but I wasn’t looking for her to swoop in and save me or anything, and didn’t even care if she talked to L.

One thing I’m endlessly frustrated with is that I’m young (not yet 30) and look like I could be ten years younger. That, coupled with my symptoms, makes a lot of people assume I have an attitude problem if I react to a trigger. Or, that I’m immature, or they just assume that because I’m young. I’m so sick of getting talked down to when I have a lot of wisdom and have survived things that the person talking down to me would not have made it through.

I could tell that the Executive Director, B, was being defensive, and thought I was throwing a pity party. She even gave me contradictory information—saying I needed to grow a thicker spine and telling me I should’ve talked to my boss sooner. I pointed out that it was contradictory, and she said, oh yeah. Then she tried to dig her way out of it by saying, Well, I guess you have to do both at the same time and know your boundaries. I said that’s exactly what I’ve been doing and what I’m doing right now. She seemed to think I was still overreacting, and I could tell that was her own problem, even though I desperately did not want her to think that, but I was simultaneously struggling with shame about knowing that my reaction was so intense because of my PTSD and feeling shame about having PTSD. So, at the end, I told her I have PTSD. That changed the tone of the conversation. She said, “I did not know that.” Then she told me I should have disclosed that when I started and asked what triggered it. I told her, okay, this is a typical non-survivor query of wanting a laundry list of triggers so we can exactly avoid them and never have the situation of being triggered. I said sometimes I don’t know. That’s the way it goes, and it usually is a combination of factors, and often it creeps up on me. I did say that the situations that had happened—where there is more than one person “against” me, are very triggering. I just felt like screaming “ASSHOLEDOM, that’s what triggers me”—because it’s really not that hard.

Really, what I think at this moment in time, is, that PTSD doesn’t even have to be brought into the picture. What had been done to me was unprofessional, immature, and would be triggering to someone without triggers. Yet, I know that my wanting to avoid L completely and move my desk is due to my PTSD. Because I am capable of sucking up a lot. One thing I often worry about is people manipulating the fact that I have PTSD to explain away/invalidate my reactions to certain things, and this is especially dangerous as I’m still figuring out my triggers and what I’m capable of handling, and working on it!

So, I have three questions: (1) how do I work in the same building with someone I want to avoid? I think it’s not the hardest thing to do, but it’s still very hard, like I don’t want to give L the satisfaction of even saying “hello.” I think that goes back to not wanting to give my parents (my abusers) the satisfaction of thinking I was ever content with them. Plus, it’s scary—the way she acted makes me feel so intensely violated and targeted that I still feel it strongly. (2) Also, I’m thinking about disclosing to my next employer straightaway that I have PTSD, b/c it’s a way for me to own it, diminish the shame, and not let it be a big scary secret. And, (3) I still feel shame about this, and part of me just wants to be spineless so I can get along with everyone, and I worry I'm the problem. Because I have had problems in the past, too. When I think about it logically, though, I know I work with a lot of lawyers who can naturally be assholish, I have fixed some things about myself I don't like, I always focus on chastising myself instead of knowing there are many situations where I've thrived, and I haven't been in a place where my triggers are under control for over five years, at least. I guess that last one isn't a question, it's just the process of building confidence and talking logic to my emotions when needed. Thoughts?

Caroline
 
I had to stop working. Not only did people trigger me, if they wouldn't I made them. I was so good at that. It was subconscious and I couldn't stop it. I spent a bunch of time on drugs because of it. Now I go to AA meetings and stuff just to be around people and I can barely do that. I know how you feel and am sorry you have to try and manage that. I couldn't. I'm hoping to get well but right now I just lie low and do therapy. I am improving and I'm sure this is no help to you but I wanted to say something. It's brutal I know.
 
Hi FattyZ-

That is very helpful to me. Just to be validated. Part of me was very scared of that when writing my post.

I'm grateful to know of your experience, and that in this hell we are together. I'm glad you're improving.

Caroline
 
So sorry for what you're going through. I went through a similar situation. In my case, my only triggers are boundary violations. Other than that- I don't give two shits what anyone things of me outside of my inner circle. After years of playing the politics game with co-workers, I finally got a job in what I thought was a great environment. I negotiated the scene very well at first by avoiding becoming to personally invested in my relationships with fellow workers.

There was one person out of the whole staff that really peeled my cap- J. J was a marginally stylish, obnoxiously snooty, high-toned bitch that did not deserve the time of day. However- being the professional, positive person that I am, I greeted her cheerfully every morning with a sunny smile.

By the third time my morning greetings were ignored by this C of a woman, I came up with a strategy. I greeted her a little more cheerfully and a whole lot louder. This way, she could not ignore me without coming across like the bitch she was. That got her attention quick and she never ignored me again.

J would also have this bad habit of coming around to my side of my desk and talking down at me. Bad move altogether. I HATE when someone invades my three feet of personal space. That's just all round bad manners, in my opinion. My response was to be curt and hurry her along. Another thing she used to do was reach down and rifle around among the detritus on my desk- as if it were her desk and not mine.

Ultimately, she complained and I was the a-hole with a bad attitude to her constructive criticism. After that, it went down hill and I was eventually let go. I can't say I'm not better for it....but....still.

My best advice is to ignore and try to be as positive as you can if you really want to keep the assignment. If so, just know that complaining and causing what is considered drama is not in your best interests. ANYONE who constantly complains or has personal issues with coworkers and vents those issues is always going to be the trouble maker whether they have PTSD or not. I don't make the rules.....just observed them in effect in over thirty years of being employed. Management or middle management do not like the headache of interpersonal gripes and whatnot. They will always look to the one who complains the most.....and eliminate.

Best to keep things light and impersonal if at all possible.
 
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this situation. I have had a few situations that were extremely difficult in the work place over the years. The first one was the worst when I was also the same age. You are definitely not alone.

I think you did great. You took what action you could. We have no control over other people's responses. How they react reflects where they are in their evolution, or lack thereof! And not you.

The ones that are irrational in their behavior often have fear at their base, not that that helps anything. Inappropriate behavior is still inappropriate regardless of the reason. Keep setting boundaries and taking care of you. It might feel uncomfortable sometimes to take care of yourself, but that's the nature of our thing sometimes. Way to go!
 
I was talking about how I hide all the time with the trauma therapist this week. I really hate it but at least I can see it and I know why I'm doing it. My responses (to others) are mostly off the charts and If I don't show it i'm holding it in, but people tend to back away from me you know because the ones who are somewhat attuned can get the vibe off me that I feel like I'm going to explode any second. It's all hyper vigilance IMO and you know it makes it almost impossible to deal with other people, at least that is how it has always been for me. Like I said though I am doing better because at least now I can say to myself 'oh, this is my PTSD" instead of 'oh, I'm defective." which I ALWAYS thought in the past.

Well, I read in the books that people get their symptoms lowered. I just finished "invisible heroes" by Belleruth Naparstek. It is the fourth trauma/ptsd book I've read in the past few months. They really help alot and if you want to be validated I recommend that book, "Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herman and "Transforming Trauma" Anna Salter. (the Anna Salter book is very difficult as she spends half the book on offenders. It's also a very expensive textbook. Someone lent it to me.) "Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, was written for women but I found it very helpful. The small version not the big workbook. I couldn't deal with the workbook.

I hope my symptoms lower someday. Drugs work short term but can become problematic. At least everyone else thinks its problematic : ).

This morning I walked out to my boat and this woman who is not a neighbor and therefore shouldn't be there (according to me) says, "I don't know if that's your hat so I put it on your boat." I didn't even look at her, I grabbed the thing like it was a dead animal and flung it back in the water. "No it's not" I snarl, feeling totally violated and like why did she put that trash in my boat, "but thank you anyway."

Afterwards I think "Boy she must really know I'm an ahole now, but I always respond like that" Not exactly a great way to win friends and influence people. This is what PTSD looks like as far as I'm concerned.

Why are you here? Why are you in my space? Why do I have to deal with you? Why aren't you doing what I want? Why are you doing what I don't want?

These books helped me understand finally why I feel the way I do. Maybe they can be helpful for you as well.

Yours,

FattyZ
 
Hi everyone-

I'm not sure how to respond individually, so I'll put them all in this post.

circe47: Yes, the problem is the people you report it to are often just as dumb as those who triggered you in the first place, but they also twist the knife by asserting their "authority" over you and continuing to flaunt their privilege by not educating themselves and pinning all the blame on you. It is good to hear, though, that you don't give two shits about what people besides those in your inner circle think. That is helpful for me. I actually have a fair bit of power in this situation since I'm VOLUNTEERING MY TIME, and if I left, they'd be f*cked. We all know it. I'm staying to pad my resume and to use them to get a REAL job after this. And, because I'm incredibly stubborn and won't let dumb bitches ruin my life. I moved cross country for this!

franciemarnie: Thank you for being so kind, it feels incredibly soothing. I especially appreciate your advice about setting boundaries for myself even if it's uncomfortable, b/c it does feel really uncomfortable, but it's not such a big deal to just do it once I make up my mind!

FattyZ: Thanks for the book recommendations. I need to read more about this. Hopefully I'm at a place where I can. I started to read Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery" a while back and the first couple chapters I found difficult. But now I know they're there. Thanks for sharing--I'll check out those titles and feel free to suggest more!

Caroline
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top