Movingforward10
Sponsor
I'm trying to help my younger self grieve for what happened. Mainly because I want to solve my main trigger at the moment (sex).
So whilst I'm trying to be kind to myself and let myself sit in feelings and work through them. I wondered if doing something symbolic might help younger me?
I was thinking of going to the site of my first rape and laying a flower there. (I looked on Google maps a while ago as I was scared to go there because of "that is where it happened" , but they have knocked the place down and have been building something. Which makes me feel more able to go there). But the problem with that is: I would need to use public transport to get there, and it might be busy because of the Christmas shopping, and I'm scared about that because of the pandemic. Also, it's near to where my parents live and as I haven't seen them in a year. I don't think I can go there and do that, and also not see them. So it seems too much pressure.
I don't know why it's this first rape and that site and a flower that is in my mind. But that area: around the corner was the nightclub where I was sexually exploited. Across the road are the gardens where I would take the men and do sexual acts. That whole little area is the site of many months of sexual exploitation, coercion, re-enacting abuse, hurting myself through unsafe sexual acts and perpetuating my humiliation. It feels a significant place to go and grieve and honour younger me. Make peace.
But if I can't get there. What do I do?
Have you done anything symbolic to help make peace with what happened to you, and if so, do you feel able to share your story? Did it help? Did it make things worse?
So whilst I'm trying to be kind to myself and let myself sit in feelings and work through them. I wondered if doing something symbolic might help younger me?
I was thinking of going to the site of my first rape and laying a flower there. (I looked on Google maps a while ago as I was scared to go there because of "that is where it happened" , but they have knocked the place down and have been building something. Which makes me feel more able to go there). But the problem with that is: I would need to use public transport to get there, and it might be busy because of the Christmas shopping, and I'm scared about that because of the pandemic. Also, it's near to where my parents live and as I haven't seen them in a year. I don't think I can go there and do that, and also not see them. So it seems too much pressure.
I don't know why it's this first rape and that site and a flower that is in my mind. But that area: around the corner was the nightclub where I was sexually exploited. Across the road are the gardens where I would take the men and do sexual acts. That whole little area is the site of many months of sexual exploitation, coercion, re-enacting abuse, hurting myself through unsafe sexual acts and perpetuating my humiliation. It feels a significant place to go and grieve and honour younger me. Make peace.
But if I can't get there. What do I do?
Have you done anything symbolic to help make peace with what happened to you, and if so, do you feel able to share your story? Did it help? Did it make things worse?