How you done something symbolic to mark/honour/grieve your trauma?

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I'm trying to help my younger self grieve for what happened. Mainly because I want to solve my main trigger at the moment (sex).
So whilst I'm trying to be kind to myself and let myself sit in feelings and work through them. I wondered if doing something symbolic might help younger me?

I was thinking of going to the site of my first rape and laying a flower there. (I looked on Google maps a while ago as I was scared to go there because of "that is where it happened" , but they have knocked the place down and have been building something. Which makes me feel more able to go there). But the problem with that is: I would need to use public transport to get there, and it might be busy because of the Christmas shopping, and I'm scared about that because of the pandemic. Also, it's near to where my parents live and as I haven't seen them in a year. I don't think I can go there and do that, and also not see them. So it seems too much pressure.

I don't know why it's this first rape and that site and a flower that is in my mind. But that area: around the corner was the nightclub where I was sexually exploited. Across the road are the gardens where I would take the men and do sexual acts. That whole little area is the site of many months of sexual exploitation, coercion, re-enacting abuse, hurting myself through unsafe sexual acts and perpetuating my humiliation. It feels a significant place to go and grieve and honour younger me. Make peace.

But if I can't get there. What do I do?

Have you done anything symbolic to help make peace with what happened to you, and if so, do you feel able to share your story? Did it help? Did it make things worse?
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
For grief work, I use fire and write down and say whatever is my trigger, and get it all out verbally.....and toss the paper in the fire and watch the paper turn to ashes....and think....that is the past....it is behind me. I also do journeying /kinda like self-hypnosis, and I have planted flowers in memory of someone in my safe place/sacred garden (a safe place in my head), and have left stones for them in a rock garden I created in one of the rooms. So maybe if your child part likes stones, you can decorate one in real time, and leave it in a special place.....or you can plant a tree now, and then do something in the spring when it gets it's new leaves....., and marking spring, a time of change and the time for moving forward. I've also had a funeral of my own when I knew my father was sick and dying, but also knew I'd not see him again and the brother who had him would not contact me to visit prior to his death. I also wrote a poem and read it.....that was helpful. You can let your inner child part help you write something.....to give that part a voice and you can read it. So, sounds like you might be having a memorial to let the past go, leave something or make something that calls to you to remember it as the past.....so you can move forward. Don't know if this helps. Your idea sounds like a positive way to respect the part that suffered. Good luck!
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks @TruthSeeker , that has given me lots of ideas.
I think I need to find something like you suggest to do here, as I don't think it's safe for me to go to the area given the pandemic.

I love white jasmine. Maybe I'll plant some (when it's the right season to do so). The smell of the flowets makes me feel so happy and calm, so perhaps I can do that for younger me.
I like your little stones idea.
I think maybe I'll write little me a letter and bury it and put stones on it or something. Need to think this through.

I'm coming up to a year I reached out to T and a year of therapy, so I could mark all of that at the same time maybe. Over the festive period.

Thank you for sharing your suggestions and thoughts.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
I think that's a great idea to plant some white jasmine. Probably better than going back to the site because that could be re-traumatizing and could defeat the purpose.
I totally agree.....a remembrance or memorial is probably best done in a calm, safe place....so the focus is on letting go of the past, and the reasons you are there.
 
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