Childhood Hurting myself sexually...why

J

JTP9922

Hi
Going to keep this somewhat to the point as I'm incredibly overwhelmed at the moment.
I got incredibly drunk and at some point ended up sexually hurting myself. I was biting my hand and saying no. I didn't want it to happen. It wasn't like I was doing it? I woke up with bruises and pain I'm female. I had scratches on my chest and the but wound on my hand.
The next night I freaked out and wanted to rip my skin off? I was shaking and my heart rate was up.
Since I've been dissociated mostly.
It isn't only this I have "symptoms" and such and I'm genuinely asking myself was I sexually abused as a child?
I know no one can tell me and I don't remember anything but this thing I did to myself isn't normal. It can't be ... I self harm to release pain (mostly controlled and by choice) this was awful and caused a lot of pain??
Any advice? Thoughts?
Thanks
 

joeylittle

Administrator
I self harm to release pain (mostly controlled and by choice) this was awful and caused a lot of pain??
So, the thing about self-harm, is that it escalates. It's very common to perceive it as being by choice and under your control, but fundamentally - scientifically - it loses it's effectiveness over time, and the person will need to harm themselves in more intense ways in order to experience the same kind of relief. They don't always notice how it shifts. And sometimes, it makes a big leap forward suddenly, to a new way of causing pain, or some other kind of jumping past the "rules"...it's definitely a scary thing, and I'm sorry you experienced it the way you did.

Separate from opening up the question about whether something is in your past - I'd suggest you take a look at really tracking your self-harm patterns and seeing how the frequency, intensity, and duration is affected by what's going on in your daily life, and how it relates to when/how much you drink, as well.
I got incredibly drunk and at some point ended up sexually hurting myself.
It's quite possible that this was coming not from a past abuse impulse, but instead from whatever it is that was instigating the heavy drinking that preceded it.

Of course, it's often true that everything ends up tangled all together - but I'm curious about your self-injury patterns in general, and whether those are brought on by any identifiable/predictable set of stressors.
 

Friday

Moderator
I wasn’t sexually abused as a child, & I’ve beat the hell outta myself, 6 ways from Sunday.

Biting my knuckles is something I particularly despise, as it’s the whole durn reason you never punch someone in the mouth. It’s f*cking stupid, and cuts the hell out of your hands (in addition to all the infections that can follow, because the human mouth is filthy with anaerobic bacteria amongst other things).

And yet? I’ve done it, more times than I can count. Particularly when in extreme pain, and attempting to stay silent &/or get myself either under control, or regain the shreds of it.

Ditto wanting to scour my skin off -as insensible as that sounds? Emotions aren’t known for their logic- and all the rest.

So it’s quite possible to reach those stages of dysreg with PTSD without CSA.

It also makes a lot of sense that with lowered inhibitions/impulse control (IE drinking) that you’d go further (both with self harm, and dysregulation) than you would sober. I have an impulse control disorder, so there’s pretty much nothing I would do drunk that I wouldn’t do sober, but for most people? Their innate sense of self control just goes zip! Out the durn window. My self control is all done consciously, what f*cks me sideways is when PTSD also weighs in. Hullo dysreg, my old friend. 😵‍💫

Of course, that doesn’t mean that you weren’t sexually abused. Just that it’s very possible to reach those heights/lows without sexual abuse.
 
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BIgLittle

Confident
Hi,

I also have episodes that I hurt myself in this manner. For me it is that I rather feel the physical pain than the emotional void or bottomless black hole comong from emotional negeert,abuse, etcetera as youngling.

You deserve better than hurting yourself.
 
J

JTP9922

Hi thanks for all the responses.
Yeah I can see that because I wasn't cutting but my usual patterns is controlled self harm. If it's impulsive it's usually lesser. When I've been drunk before I lightly cut my let and stuff. I can completely see how this could be an escalation of self harm but also from what I know it doesn't add up? I wish I could explain it better. I stopped myself cutting that night and part of me thinks ok I found another way to self harm but also I possibly skipped over some surface issues and that took hold? I'm so confused.
 
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