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Husband Has A Temper And Doesn't Understand My Ptsd

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katz

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry if I say too much in this post, so please be patient with me. I've been looking for the best chat room to ask advice from, so I thought I would try here. My husband grew up in an alcoholic family, so he has quite a temper. When I married him we got along great. I was diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago, before I married him. But my past was so bad that I had buried it--basicly forgotten it. So it did not come back to the surface till I had been married to him for a few years. Now, he is angry at me for "hiding it" from him. He also sees it as a problem that comes from my past and is not his to deal with. He won't understand that it was not my choice to not tell him. I had forgotten all of it. As I have grown up, the memories come and go. I tried to tell my family once and they all yelled and were so angry at me that I forgot it all again for over 10 years! Now the memories are here to stay, I'm old enough to handle them.

But he doesn't want to help me. He is just waiting for me to "heal". He is angry that I can't just leave it in the past. I have been in therapy off and on for my whole life. I was just starting to trust the one that I found then she retired. A few months later, I found another one, then a few months after that, I lost my insurance. I've been feeling very lost and alone. I thought that husbands were supposed to support their wifes. And now, I'm going to have to start all over again-again.

Then last weekend, he got scratched accidently by one of the kittens. He erupted. He was yelling and saying that he was going to throw the cat out the front door. He stormed into the kitchen and when he slammed the freezer door, I could hear all the jars in the door shaking. It scared me to death! I'm afraid to trust him. When I try to explain to him that loud noises frighten me, he just tells me that I shouldn't have gotten married--ever. He keeps telling me that "he has no control over his loudness. I should have realized this and not married him and that he will never change."

We went to therapy with one of the councilors together, but he thought it was a waste of time and money, and has never been back. I just don't know what to do. I can't reach to anyone in the family. They just all said that "you need a councilor" and never spoke about it again. Pets have always been a comfort for me. They love me for who I am, not what I "should be". I only have cats because of the quietness that I need. Our home, when I grew up was always loud. Add all this to my 5 "demons" that I'm dealing with--alone, and I make for "one messed up person". I know that I will never consider suicide--but I will admit that the end will be a relief for me, when it comes.

I'm sorry if I spoke too long.
 
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Dear @katz , I'm sorry this is all so much a trigger & brings up much fear. I don't kn...
Thanks for your note Junebug. I appreciate it. I'm really at a loss of how to proceed from here. I know that I need help with my "5 demons", but I can only go so far with books and a journal.
My journal is a great help to me. When ever I doubt myself on a memory or a thought, I can look there to confirm it to myself. I'm 99.999% sure of what happened with each "demon". I just wish I could find the love that the little girl inside me needs so much. I'm sorry, but giving it to myself is just not enough for "her".
I don't know if "she" will ever get the love she needs. I had a boyfriend once that cared about me enough that I told him some of the stories. He believed me! It was wonderful to finally have someone on my side when speaking with or being with my family.
He died back in 2001. I miss him sooo much. I also had two grandparents that were very special to me. As a child I would go to their house every chance I could get. I can look back now and see that I went there to escape from home.....they both died that same year as he did.
I guess that's why I feel so lonely even now.
 
You're probably not going to like this.

Get a lawyer. Seriously. This guy is perfectly satisfied with himself exactly the way he is, from what you've said. He's just waiting on you to meet his expectations? That's ridiculous and it's not fair. It doesn't sound like he cares about you, it doesn't sound like he loves you, it doesn't sound like it will get any better. One person can't take on the whole weight of a relationship and make it work. This is not a relationship worth staying in.

Come up with a plan and you and your animals need to go elsewhere, where you can have a life. This isn't about you. I'd say it's about him, 'cause he sounds like a real jerk, but at best it's 2 people who are just not a good match. No one should stay in a situation like that.
 
You're probably not going to like this.

Get a lawyer. Seriously. This guy is perfectly satisfied with h...
scout86. I'm very scared if I do that. His first wife cheated on him. When he found out about it, he went to her house and destroyed his car. I'm very scared of what he might do if I tell him to leave. Should I have someone else in the house with me? I hate to do this, I have always believed in the value of marriage. Till death do us part and all that stuff.
 
Till death do us part and all that stuff.
That can be kind of a scary line!

A good friend of mine, who was a minister, once told me that "God didn't intend marriage to be miserable". Marriage is about mutual love and respect. What you've got doesn't sound to me like it meets that bar.

As far as how you handle it..... They say that leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous part. (Except for staying.) You've said enough there that I think you should take this very seriously. If there is a domestic abuse advocacy group in your area, I would say to seek them out for advice and help. (Google "domestic violence" and your area.) I'd also talk to a good lawyer BEFORE you say anything to your husband and tell them what you've said here. If you decide to tell to your husband in person (there are probably better ways), YES, for sure have someone else there. Also have a plan. Be prepared to leave, have some place to go, and go there. Don't tell him where you are. Let your lawyer do the talking.

Do you have any friends or family you can count on to support you? Any money of your own?

There are a lot of people here who have gone through experiences like this. I feel pretty safe in saying they are all going to advise you to get out, but to do it carefully. :hug:
 
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