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Relationship Husband was too calm when he left...

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Erin Lee

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Just joined this site because I'm completely lost.

Back story, I'm married to an infantry Marine veteran who was medically retired in 2014.

We met and fell in love QUICK (I'm over 30 so I know it was real). We got pregnant a few months into our relationship and honestly, everything was great. We'd already had every future talk before getting pregnant.

Anyway, we married in October of last year and up until we got married - everything was fantastic. He was happy. He was sweet and affectionate. Everything was perfect. Or so I thought.

It all started around New Years that he started over reacting to every little thing. We'd never had a fight before and now we were having huge blow outs at least once or twice a month.

Last month he finally came clean and told me he was diagnosed with PTSD and that he wasn't able to control it anymore. All of a sudden, all of our arguments made sense.

He went to the VA where he stayed for 4 days. They gave him some medicine and schedule a therapy session for 3 weeks out.

His first session is Wednesday - but every day since he's been back from the hospital has been worse and worse. He's left multiple times but he's always come back and said sorry, and that he wasn't leaving with the intention of leaving - he just needed some time to cool off. He never stayed gone for more than a couple hours.

We fought last week and he told me that his level of love for me hasn't gone down, he just can't feel it. I'm assuming this is emotional numbness?

Tonight he left. With the intention of not coming back. After yelling all night, he calmly told me that he was unhappy with life, with our marriage and with me. He said there is no connection and that he just doesn't want to try anymore.

I've seen a lot of posts about men leaving... but the fact that mine left so calmly is really getting to me. I'm not sure if I should still think it's emotional numbness or if he really is done.
 
@Erin Lee. Hi and welcome.

You guys have a long road ahead of you. But if you both educate yourselves it van work out.

Since he's new to therapy he's probably going to get worse before he sees any relief. As you probably already realized. :(

Read around the supporters forums. I like the search forums option. You can search for any topic you need.

Start here. The stress cup.
Glad you found us and take care of you and your little one.
 
Erin, I'll write more to you tomorrow (going to fall asleep any second over here) but I just wanted to say I know exactly how you're feeling. Get some rest, check out a few threads on here and note the similarities to your story. And most of all remember that this is not about how awesome you are or how loving and perfect your relationship is. It's something going on in his head that you can't understand and, to be honest, he probably doesn't understand either.
 
My husband of 14 years does not have a formal diagnosis of PTSD but everything in our history and his recent behaviors have led me to believe that this is what's going on. Your subject title spoke to me one hundred percent. My husband even used those words... "Doesn't feel connected to me anymore". I'm completely lost just like you. I wish I had answers but this is all really new to me too. Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.
 
@Erin Lee. Hi and welcome.

You guys have a long road ahead of you. But if you both...
Thank you for your response. This site has been my saving grace. I feel like every thread I read is someone writing my story. It's nice to know what I'm going through is something a lot of people have experienced. Something comforting about knowing I'm not alone in this.
 
Erin, I'll write more to you tomorrow (going to fall asleep any second over here) but I just wante...
I keep telling myself over and over that it's not me. And I always knew it wasn't me because he's always reassured me that it was just his head. But last night, he said straight up it was me. Deep down I know it's not true... but it's still hard to hear.

I'm sorry that you've experienced something like this as well... prayers that we all find peace. Sufferers especially.
 
My husband of 14 years does not have a formal diagnosis of PTSD but everything in our history and his recent behavio...
I'm so sorry you're going through something similar. I clearly don't know a lot of the answers either, but if you ever need to talk, feel free to shoot me a message :)

Wishing you and your husband the best. I hope he gets help for both of yalls sake.
 
To me it sounds like emotional numbness. (I could be wrong, just speaking out of past experience).

There is a great danger in assuming it's the PTSD speaking. Yes, much of what we do can be/is influenced by PTSD, but you cannot separate out those actions and assume it's the PTSD as if we aren't allowed to make decisions affected by our symptoms.

He may come back, he may not. Things are likely to get worse as he enters into treatment.

I've said this before...... Loving someone is a choice, one that is all the more true when one deals with emotional numbness. If I let my emotions run the show, I'd be alone. I have to be able to love someone even when I can't feel it. My brain switches from feeling emotions to rationally thinking emotions. It's taken me years to develop this skill. It helps me to not run when I cannot feel love anymore. It helps me to know that love still exists even though I can't feel it. (I am numb right now so yes, I'm playing mental gymnastics in order to not hurt those around me with the fact that I can't feel love in this moment.)

It breaks my heart when I see other sufferers who run (in part) because they can't FEEL the love anymore. (I also think this is partly conditioning by society, too.) I'm not underestimating the stress cup factor, as that's probably playing a huge role in all of this as well. Have you read up on the stress cup yet?

:hug:
 
Do you know where he is? Do you know that he's safe? Sometimes there's a calmness that comes from havin...
When he leaves, I try to find out where he is but he typically won't tell me. One time when he left, I called him at 3am and he was trying to sleep in a Walmart parking lot.

I know that the calmness exists, so I try to bother the hell out of him. I send him texts just saying "I love you", "I'll be here waiting when you come back", and I send him pictures of our 16 month old daughter. I just try to remind him that he is so loved and show him what he is leaving. He always comes back.

Last night he did come home... he just sat on the sofa in silence, and when I woke up at 4am, he was in our bed. This morning we haven't spoken, but he kissed me as he left for class.

I know he's suicidal as he has told me in the past, but he says he can still think rationally. Hoping that's true and lasts through the beginning of treatment.
 
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