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Supporter Husband With C-PTSD From Childhood.

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astridluna28

New Here
Hello everyone!

I just wanted to say hello, and introduce myself. See if maybe I can connect with a few of you. I am writing this post instead of working, which I know is not a good sign. I needed to get some stuff off my chest before I can continue with my day. I am really glad to have find this online community, and hope it can help me in supporting my sufferer, and supporting myself.

My husband grew up in a household that was rocky, tumultuous, and with an enabler mom, and diabolical dad. He has been abused, physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually, and he has never really allowed anyone to help him with residual suffering and pain. He has seen many therapists over the years, but none "stuck " for him. I have encouraged, and probably pushed too hard for him to seek help. I feel awful because I am probably your typical supporter partner. i engage in the push-pull relationship with him. I try to hep - too much and to a fault- and he takes me up on the offer, and detaches and isolates himself. We have gotten into awful vicious fights in the past due to this dynamic. My biggest problem is that i have rejection issues, so every time he retreats into himself, I take it personally.

He spends so much time in his own head, isolating himself from the world that it literally has destroyed friendships, jobs, family relations, and parts of our marriage. I know, i am guilty of doing the dance too, but this form of complex-ptsd is super rough for me to deal with. I love him a lot, i think he is a tender hearted human. He is a very loving dad to our 15 month old son, and when he is present with me he is fun, and funny, affectionate, adventurous and kind.

I lose him frequently to the moods, and I think my rejection impulse kicks in and I freak out. We are in marriage counseling now, and I am learning to be more self-aware, and supportive. Instead of pushy and maybe overbearing for him. I like a clean house, and he just kinda manages to keep things "ok". I like dates, socializing, traveling, dinner parties, and nights out, and he is touch and go. Definitely, does not enjoy socializing, and could stay home every single night if I let him. But he does like to go out, and do things- as long as he has enough money.

Communication with him is tough. We have been together for 9 years now (married for 3), and it's always a work in progress. Sometimes, we are on point, and sometimes we are wayyyyyyy off kilter. He really hates communicating his needs to others, and this affects his career in a MAJOR way. He has been fired, or let go by almost every job, and if not let go, they employer did not have a good relationship with him. This totally freaks me out. Being a woman who is a hard worker, and I strive to meet my career goals, I just cant wrap my head around this. Reading about ppl with PTSD helps me empathize, and understand, and listening to him talk helps me too.... but it is SO hard to live through this. I m suffering from it. I am constantly anxious and freaked out about finances. We have a son who has his entire life ahead of him and I want nothing but the best.

Husband is my best friend, and I want our life together to be good, but it's so hard dealing with employment woes. I want to lease a car, and buy a house, and he is on the same page, but his work ethic dips SUPER low whenever he gets criticized. Thus, bringing on a bad attitude, and him thinking he will be fired. Which then causes him to think that everything he does is garbage, and the path to be fired has just begun so why not just throw in the towel and go on unemployment.

he DOES persevere, and does stay at these jobs for a few years, but the cycle with this is scary, maddening, and exhausting. I mean it is EXHAUSTING. Finances are never organized, and it is enough for me to want to throw in the towel and say I quit. My heart doesn't feel this way, and I see him trying in counseling, and in our marriage with other things. But this job thing is TOUGH. I don't know how long I can take this for.

Currently, I think he needs his own counselor in addition to our couples sessions. But he is so resistant. I have gotten in a lot of trouble in the past trying to convince him to see someone so i don't want to mention it now. i am really hoping our marriage counselor keeps mentioning it to him. She has asked him if he would be willing to see someone and he said yes, but once the session was over my husband was like "no im not going". i told him to tell our marriage counselor the truth. Ugh, i feel so stuck, and sad. Deflated, and without hope sometimes.

Thank you for letting me vent! Whew.....
 
Hi there. I'm glad you're here. You sound incredibly kind and giving. I really don't envy you supporters - you're really trapped between a rock and a hard place. Us sufferers really make it hard on you most of the time without meaning to. Thanks for doing what you do for your guy.
 
Thank you both for your words! I got a little teary eyed to hear that, thank you @somerandomguy :)

It is interesting what we do for love.... I am just not quite sure if the love is enough some days. On other days when the family gels, its all worth it.

I am not a quitter, and divorce sounds awful. I also get crazy sad when I think about life without him. Our therapist says we have respect and love for each other that is clear.

But when does day to day happiness become a factor? I am not sure how to make the right assessment sometimes...

Yes @littleoc you are so right. I hope that our couples sessions, and my speaking my truth maybe leads to him realizing he does need his own support. In the past 7 months he has leaned on the gym, books, (like lots of books about philosophy, politics, religion & society) and even stopping drinking for a few months to help him clear his thoughts. We were doing really well until we visited his hometown for a wedding. Once we came back its been hell for two weeks. The rage and isolation is on full blast.

I am honestly open to dealing with all the emotional bumps. Its the employment thing that really, really scares me and freaks me out. Its too hard for me to stomach. We live in NYC where prices for everything are out of control. We are middle class, and could never afford to lose our incomes. Its so hard, I can't find a solution in all this. If he stops working we cant afford to live here, and we will have no where to go. He doesn't want to not work and be a lay-about, but i think sometimes he gets overwhelmed by practical work demands and he rather get unemployment then hop to the next thing.

Clearly, moving to his hometown would be a downward spiral for him. I am asking myself how much I'd be willing to sacrifice if he only worked part time (dreams about a car or future house). He also is a musician at heart so working these office jobs have challenged him to the max. He went to school to learn to be a professional musician. Ugh, the more I type the more I become drained by all of this....
 
I understand - I used to live in NYC myself and the stress of living there was not good for me (or my wife) at all.

We ended up moving out. I got new jobs that allowed us to move - twice. The first place we moved didn't work out, but we love the place we are now. Is this possibly something that you could do?
 
Hey, that’s what my little brother is in graduate school for now. Professional musician :)

Luckily when he moved up to New York State, he took his wife with him. I’m glad he got married at a younger age than most in my family do.

There are a lot of minor ways to get music talent to be allowed to be expressed before getting an income, if it helps to know that. Counties will have gigs (usually unpaid and volunteer, but not always) during holidays sometimes. Lots of summer programs might be looking for volunteers. Stuff like that looks amazing on resumes for getting a more solid musician job, if he could handle temporarily having one job and a bit of side stuff that might feel more fullfilling.

If you had to move away, don’t go to his home town — try a new town once you have an idea of where you could get work. Or what @somerandomguy said.
 
I understand - I used to live in NYC myself and the stress of living there was not good for me (or my wife) at all.

We ended up moving out. I got new jobs that allowed us to move - twice. The first place we moved didn't work out, but we love the place we are now. Is this possibly something that you could do?

Well I am from NYC, and i have a lot of family here. Friends too. Technically, we live in BK, so some things are toned down a bit price wise, while others are not at all! My job will allow for me to live anywhere within the country really. His is super local, but I feel like he could switch jobs and i could be the anchor. The hardest part though, if having our son be so young, and wanted to be around people who know us right now. Raising him around family and friends is really nice. We talk about going upstate constantly, but the conversation goes in circles. Some parts of the Hudson Valley are just as expensive as here. Others more affordable. I actually started with these thoughts when we began couples counseling 7 months ago. Maybe we have to revisit it for real again. Thank you for the suggestion, I do think NYC wears and tears on him.

Hey, that’s what my little brother is in graduate school for now. Professional musician :)

Luckily when he moved up to New York State, he took his wife with him. I’m glad he got married at a younger age than most in my family do.

There are a lot of minor ways to get music talent to be allowed to be expressed before getting an income, if it helps to know that. Counties will have gigs (usually unpaid and volunteer, but not always) during holidays sometimes. Lots of summer programs might be looking for volunteers. Stuff like that looks amazing on resumes for getting a more solid musician job, if he could handle temporarily having one job and a bit of side stuff that might feel more fullfilling.

If you had to move away, don’t go to his home town — try a new town once you have an idea of where you could get work. Or what @somerandomguy said.

Yes! I suggest little things he can do here and there. When he first moved here 8 years ago he started playing in bands. That got icky because of the social factor. He always ended up quitting a band, and pissing people off bc he is great drummer, and they wanted him to stay. people like the damn guy and then he ghosts them.... which isn't that a common theme with cptsd?

Now, he just makes music at home at his home studio. He tries to say he is happy with it, but i think he is extremely sad about it. Having a baby sort of recently hasn't really helped motivate him to leave the ouse to explore opportunities. He wants to be around my son a lot, and hang out with him, but I feel like he is resistant to spending time by himself.
 
Hm. Maybe he was feeling overwhelmed. That makes me sad that he is going through that.

Hopefully, if he agrees to therapy, he will be able to work out what’s going on in him that made bands so difficult.

I’m glad you’re there for him, though. That’s so great :hug:
 
Hm. Maybe he was feeling overwhelmed. That makes me sad that he is going through that.

Hopefully, if he agrees to therapy, he will be able to work out what’s going on in him that made bands so difficult.

I’m glad you’re there for him, though. That’s so great :hug:
Thank you ... that makes me feel better. And we do have each other. I guess its the worst after an episode like this where he is angry and retreats about something that happened at work. He came home tonight, and seems to have handled some things at work with his boss better and is more relaxed. If couples counseling has done anything, it is slowly making some subtle changes.

Glad you were around to talk to me today and give me some hope ?
 
Now, he just makes music at home at his home studio. He tries to say he is happy with it, but i think he is extremely sad about it. Having a baby sort of recently hasn't really helped motivate him to leave the ouse to explore opportunities. He wants to be around my son a lot, and hang out with him, but I feel like he is resistant to spending time by himself.

Is he willing/able to be a Stay At Home Dad?

Because that’s one of the careers that is perfect for a lot of people with PTSD.

Especially as it allows returning to work/school part time as the kids get older without losing the massive daycare savings.

In our area most Stay At Home Parents do so because they can’t afford to work. Daycare costs more than they earn. So it’s a choice between 1 parent working days, and having the kids at night; and 1 parent working nights and having the kids in the daytime (which is not only murder on marriages :dead: , but also means a lot of sleep dep, as each parent grabs naps when they can but rarely gets a full nights sleep until kindergarten)... or one parent staying at home with the kids.

It’s one of those modern math problems... calculating out how much you actually make after paying for daycare. Or if you’re actually making money at all, or literally paying to go to work. :wtf: Vs the whole, penny saved is a penny earned... if we’re saving $2500 a month in daycare costs? That’s literally the equivalent of bringing in $2500 a month contribution to the family.

Might kill 2 birds with 1 stone if he’s up to it.
 
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