Husband won't change his phone settings so I can reach him in an emergency

HealingMama

Sponsor
Maybe I just have to lie in the bed that I made. According to my husband that's what this is about. I over communicate, I pick fights, there was a time in the past I could not stop my attachment cry (protest rapid fire calls/texts). And he finds the expectation of availability anxiety provoking. According to him everything he does is to address my anxiety or somehow for me, and he cannot also agree to being reachable, no matter what, in an immediate need.

I had to get something like chemotherapy last week. It's a dangerous drug. I had a mild allergic reaction to it. I have gotten it before, the first time also had a snafu of health risk, and it has been like 2-3 years since I got it, so it is possible my body would not remember how to manage it. The nurse even said she is always nervous giving this medication.

I called him on my way home and he did not answer. He had told me last time this happened that he would set up his phone so my calls could get through his silent mode etc if there was an urgent need, and it would trigger by calling a certain number of times. So I tried to trigger that process. No it was not an emergency but it was a time sensitive issue. I had yucky side effects from the medicine and it crashed my immune system and we needed something from the store for the night's meal.

He has been working the early morning shift, comes home and naps til dinner time, then goes to bed early-ish, bc he has to get up very early. And he was napping. I get it, he was tired. But we had talked two hours prior to that. The previous day we had talked about him not sleeping more than an hour so he could be tired enough to get to bed at a decent hour in the night and be better rested for work the next day. He is normally a night owl which is not very compatible with the schedule he is on. I found out later he went along with the one hour thing when he didn't really want to. (How is that my fault though?)

So based on what we had previously discussed and the fact 2 hours passed since we talked, I thought it would be ok if the phone did wake him, bc that would help him align with the thing we had said was better for his sleep hygiene. (That man will not adhere to a sleep schedule to save his life, and when we are getting along he invites and appreciates my help by gently encouraging more structure. But when we are not getting along the same things he says he values are suddenly me being controlling.)

Anyway. I tried to trigger the "in case of emergency break glass" phone setting and it did not work. So I was upset when I got home bc I could not get him on the phone. Yes this is my trauma triggered, some from childhood, some from my marriage. I was angry. He minimized my concerns. "Oh yeah the world is crashing down around us because I was taking a nap and you had to wait 30 minutes to talk to me."

I ask why the silent mode breakthrough did not work. Find out he turned the setting back off, but neglected to tell me. I was livid and came totally unglued because this is like the 584th time this has been a problem. He gave me a solution then took it away without any communication. That left me feeling really insecure from an attachment perspective. He leaves so fast when he does not want to deal with a situation, he leaves emotionally all the time, so I already do not feel that I can really trust him. And now, he will not have this setting so I can reach him in spite of his silent mode and whatnot. He loves to call me controlling but avoiding his phone is for control too.

Later on I also explained that it is scary to not be able to reach my person in a time of need. And that the medicine I had that day could have killed me. And he said "it didn't kill you yet did it?" OMFG what a terribly unloving thing to say.

And I cannot let it go. Him refusing to change the settings back, and the horrible thing he said when I was vulnerable about my fear of the medicine killing me.

I cannot understand a husband not wanting his wife to be able to depend on him. But then I think when things were so hard for us before, he was ok with me working 3 jobs while he licked his wounds, at that time he did not want me to depend on him either. I do not think he should have tried to marry me if he was not going to want to be dependable. Yes his adhd makes it harder to achieve dependability. But not even wanting to try? I do not feel safe like this. He blames it on my childhood but it is also reasonable to want your adult partner to want to be your person. That they can drop everything if you need them. I expect to be there in that way also. And it really hurts that he does not want to prioritize my urgent needs because he would rather be able to have more control over whether he is getting a phone call.

I have gotten fed up many times before but this feels different. Every little thing I have to stop myself from the words "get the ifk out" spilling out of my lips. I am so angry, scared, sad, how can I spend the rest of my life with someone that does not care if I am scared and he could help and chooses not to? I think that this is a deep injury to my ability to feel safe in a basic way. I already had things making me feel scared but this is proof that I am really all alone. And I do not want to put up with all his flaws and bad behavior if I am ultimately still alone at the end of the day. I would rather actually be alone, and have fewer headaches, than try to integrate this man into my life when he does not want to be there for me.

I get it, anxiety is really annoying. I get compulsive and "stuck" trying to talk through an issue and I know how annoying that must be bc I annoy myself badly with that behavior that I find so very hard to stop.

But I also do not know how to come back from my husband not wanting me to be able to reach him immediately if there is a true need. The fact that he needs a buffer even if I am in trouble to me means our marriage is dead.

I read him this article about emotionally focused couples therapy and how the building blocks of healthy, stable attachment are responsiveness, accessibility, and engagement.
I explained that if he does not like how I act when I am scared, then he could help by creating a stable environment. He is not consistently accessible, responsive or engaged. Partly from his adhd, partly resentment and contempt towards me.

But it is right there - if you want a calm wife, you can help by being a secure person. It is so hard to manage his consistent inconsistency, intermittent reliability. He follows through on maybe 40% of what he agrees to do, and I never know which things will win.

I have told him a couple of times the last 3 months or so when we are trying to recover from an argument that I get upset about these issues because the issue comes out as "will you be there for me if I really need you" and his answer based on his actions is no. And this is another big fat "no." I feel like there is no way to heal that. It reveals a fundamental, irreparable fracture in the relationship.

But I also know my trauma can make me think wrong things. And I know that he has made me think wrong things too. So I want to check in with everyone here and see, is it reasonable to want your spouse to want to be there for you in a time of need? Could he just be burned out? Our marriage has taken a nose dive lately. But I don't really want to make an effort anymore since this happened. I just want him to GTFO. He's caused me enough problems, I cannot handle him clearly making unloving and unsupportive decisions.

Am I blowing this out of proportion?
 

Sideways

Moderator
Am I blowing this out of proportion?
I don't think it's that black and white. Because yes, it sounds pretty reasonable that you be able to contact your hubby in the case of an emergency...but
we needed something from the store for the night's meal.
This is not an emergency. And since you've had conversations with him about this, he's kind of right - the privilege is going to be abused if he gives you an emergency line. It's the reason phones have a Do Not Disturb function, yeah? So that the person doesn't get disturbed, like when they want to sleep.

And for all that you've discussed his sleep hygiene with him, he made a decision that he didn't want to be disturbed.
it was not an emergency but it was a time sensitive issue.
Right, there's an abandonment issue going off perhaps.

This wasn't an emergency.

Probably you may need to work on respecting his Do Not Disturb before you can reasonably expect him to give you back access to the emergency line....?
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
Actually it sounds pretty par for the course.

You make an agreement, you break it, and the avalanche of hatred you feel for your husband justifies it.
Sorry I am feeling a bit dense, can you break this down for me?

I don't think it's that black and white. Because yes, it sounds pretty reasonable that you be able to contact your hubby in the case of an emergency...but

This is not an emergency. And since you've had conversations with him about this, he's kind of right - the privilege is going to be abused if he gives you an emergency line. It's the reason phones have a Do Not Disturb function, yeah? So that the person doesn't get disturbed, like when they want to sleep.

And for all that you've discussed his sleep hygiene with him, he made a decision that he didn't want to be disturbed.

Right, there's an abandonment issue going off perhaps.

This wasn't an emergency.

Probably you may need to work on respecting his Do Not Disturb before you can reasonably expect him to give you back access to the emergency line....?
That's a fair point. I was not trying to reach him in that moment due to an emergency (I do not think I told him that I had an emergency) but rather once I could not reach him I tested the "break glass" functionality he previously agreed to have, and flipped out when I discovered he had not maintained it. My issue was that the settings he agreed to, he withdrew without telling me. I need to know what field we are playing on.

You are right though about the general pattern, and needing to earn his trust. I thought I'd been doing that, though.

Tons of abandonment stuff pinging, a big T trauma that has been warped and added to by his need to disconnect, avoidant attachment etc.
 

Friday

Moderator
Sorry I am feeling a bit dense, can you break this down for me?
Par for the course = both what can be expected AND reasonable doesn’t matter.

Why doesn’t reasonable matter? Because once one person DESPISES another person to the degree it’s clear you hate/loathe/despise your husband? They can’t even chew food or breathe “correctly”. Your hatred and extreme contempt for the man doesn’t just drip off the page, it extends to utterly dehumanizing him.

If this were “just” a trauma reaction? Your questions would be different, as you’d be feeling terrible for how badly you’ve been treating him, but instead? Your contempt and disgust justify it. Not for the first time. I’m expecting there’s at least a BIT of hyperbole involved, but in this single issue? 500+ times, give or take, but ultimately enough for it to be a nuclear bomb every time it lands. On other issues you’ve reality checked on, or vented about? I’ve had enemies I held with more fondness & respect.

***

None of which is to say that you don’t also feel a helluva lot more than what you’re presenting. Long term relationships, even the best of them, are complicated. And the worst of them can involve being beaten and raped at night only to be giggling whilst painting nails and sharing confidences in the morning, and a depth of pride/worth/belonging in the afternoon. I’m not trying to say the ONLY thing you feel is XYZ, or that the only way you/he behave is ABC. Or even, if I’m not minding my language, what you’re feeling whatsoever. I’m just reflecting what you’re presenting. Which is: Whoa. You really f*cking hate that guy. Like chaseus fawking keeerist, are you actually revelling in his/your pain, or do you just not realize how far past the line of “okay” this has not only gotten to, but is being sustained at?!? He’s not even a man, at this point. He’s a meat-puppet whose sole function is to make you feel better, by either being your Valium, soothing your distress, or your whipping boy to unleash your rage at when you’re upset/afraid about something else entirely (like the shot). That’s not okay, honey. For him, or you. That’s seriously f*cked up. On your part, alone. Never minding any of what his may be, just the shit YOU are doing, needs a wake up call. Stop. What you are doing is not okay.

***
What I’m MOST curious about? Has to do with the avalanche of hatred you demonstrate for your husband justifying your actions… but? You didn’t ask, so feel free to ignore…

1. If you have a history of abuse, do you have the commonly held belief that “only” abusive relationships can be / should be ended?
2. And if so? Is your escalating mistreatment of your husband an attempt to bump your relationship into abuse-land so that you “can” end it?

Because it seems like you’re a very short step away from slamming his head in the kitchen cabinets for not drying off the can opener before putting it away. And, quite frankly, if you were a man? The police would probably already be involved.

- People with PTSD often treat their partners badly, which is wrong, and needs to stop. SOME of what’s going on with you & your husband? Is clearly that. Mixing him up with past abusers, and so what would be totally justified self defense then, is flat out abuse now.

- But? There also comes a time, in a lot of marriages, where one person so despises the other, they can’t even sleep right, breathe right, eat right, answer the phone right, etc., and there’s very little coming back from that. It’s possible, but contempt really is a horseman in relationships, IME.

- And then there are core beliefs learned in trauma, like anything short of abuse doesn’t justify ending a relationship -therefore- even totally nonabusive normal things are taken AS abuse, and/or, in lieu of being abused by someone else, the willingness to step into the role of abuser if it’s what “needs” doing. (It doesn’t, but that’s emotional logic, and core beliefs f*cking shit up left, right, & center).
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
Hmm. I'm trying to be open to what you're putting down here. I feel hurt by my husband but I feel like I actually mostly respect him, or try to behave respectfully at least. So it's interesting that what you see is so far away from that. What would look different? I did not grow up seeing male female relationships and my mother was the breadwinner decision maker with the passive sensitive enabler husband. So even if my dad hadn't died, they would not have modeled that traditional women respecting men thing.

I have tried to understand it over and over and admit I do not. To me respect sounds like never complaining, questioning or disapproving of the man's decisions and I think that's not a realistic expectation from an egalitarian relationship. Sure mine is one sided but not by my choice. I tell him all the time please give me feedback in the moment I do something you don't like bc I want to know, I want to adjust.my actions for your benefit. To me that's respect. I respect you enough to be honest even if it's uncomfortable.

I try to read these blogs like the Laura Doyle blog and I try to lean into it but my husband doesn't go for it. His ex did the submissive Christian wife thing and he really didn't want that type of relationship. He doesn't want to lead even though I would like him to, but admittedly I probably would gatekeep a lot bc I don't know how to trust people. (And in his case he has objectively poor judgment at times so him truly leading is problematic.)

I feel that I have been on the receiving end of his contempt, though a few years ago I would have said you are right in a heartbeat as there.was a time when I was so resentful that I felt contempt and basically nothing else. He was without work for like 2 years even when I got pregnant he wouldn't look for work. I took 3 jobs and he just let me do that instead of get up and help me. I was really angry. I should have left but I was afraid.

I did get really mad when I found out he didn't keep the phone settings. It was fear. It's not about trying to keep tabs on him. It's about having a safety net that most people on some level expect to have from a partner. My needs are more childish looking in how they manifest because I had all this blocked off from age 8 to age 26 or so, I have a lot of catching up I am trying to do here. I know I seem childish in my attachment reaction stuff, but I am doing the best I can. It's a huge effort to even get to a space where I can accept that I have any attachment needs. I can't really heal that stuff without making a mess sometimes. I am lucky that my husband is overall kinder about that than you have been, but maybe he shouldn't have been. Maybe he should have dumped me for being this way.

He has lunged at me a couple of times. I have felt afraid he was going to strike me twice since we relocated. He belittled and minimized my fears about that. I pushed him once like six years ago, not to push him down just to show my frustration. And when I first learned I was pregnant and asked what he was going to do to help financially i forget the conversation specifics but basically he said something to the effect of that he was not going to find work he was going to go hang out at the board game store with his buddies and I slapped him before I even realized it had happened. I didn't do it to cause pain. I had no other way to communicate how insanely unacceptable I thought his behavior was considering he made that child too and needed to help support it.

My actions don't follow the typical trajectory of progressive abuse, because I inherited abusive patterns from my parent but I am not an abuser in my core, otherwise I would not have accepted the reality that I had been abusive and worked systematically to stop doing it.

I yelled, called him names for a little while, I was not great at managing my feelings of powerlessness in the face of him just giving up on any sort of adult functioning, leaving me to do all of it, for three people, while dealing with trauma and anxiety issues. It was a really hard time and I should have left him instead of trying to make him get up and face life, face his responsibilities.

There were isolated one off physical things twice in six years, both to express frustration not to intimidate. I used to be controlling in ways that I understand were abusive. A lot of people with PTSD are shitty control freak partners that keep tabs on everyone and manage the need for predictability in a toxic manner and that was me.

Now I just go ahead and have the meltdown (not acting out meltdown just a meltdown) and meekly say "hey next time can you please let me know if you're going to deviate from the previously discussed plans bc I fall apart without that information."

I have become more compassionate, respectful, etc as I have worked on myself. But I still have needs and fears and impulsivity so no I don't have perfect reactions to things. He can still be a jerk or do mind boggling dumb things. Women get mad at husbands sometimes. Husband's get mad at wives sometimes.

He yells and throws stuff and controls covertly. He invalidates, minimizes, justifies, defends, takes me to court over the details of the situation I'm upset about to prove if any facts are not just as I describe them he gets to write off the grievance altogether instead of look for the truth in the complaint like literally every couples counselor told him to do. He leaves the room without doing a therapeutic time out type thing first and then gets mad at me when it escalates the issue. He knows that he is supposed to ask for a time out and give a time to return not just stomp out like that. Again, couples therapy, there have been occasions when we are doing therapy together where I am holding my.homework and learning new behaviors for my triggers and at the same time pointing out that he is triggered, and reminding him what he is supposed to be doing differently bc he will NEVER hold that information in his mind on his own.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to do couples therapy homework for yourself and your spouse at the same time? It's not a reasonable expectation.

But that's the level of personal responsibility he shows and I probably do have contempt for that, bc it has hurt me so much, and I am not sure how I can behave respectfully about that type of thing because I don't think It is respectable to abandon your responsibilities and hide from life when things get challenging.

I do not believe only abusive relationships should be ended. I've actually tried to end my marriage multiple times. I end up asking him to help make it happen because the way my attachment is and the way my system is organized I forget, and I get pulled back in, bc I was trained to attach to a toxic person so I am trained to have amnesia for whatever was worth leaving over. It's really infuriating to have so much trouble following through on that. I feel trapped. But eventually I also tried to settle in, fully commit and be loving, receive love, I just have so much f--- fear that gets in my way. We also have long streaks of mutual enjoyment, laughter, fun, but then I get frustrated about something and try to address it, he gets defensive or invalidating and then everything spirals out of control.

I'm having a hard time understanding what I did in this particular scenario that leads to you saying what you're saying. I had a fear response due to a big T trauma getting triggered and lashed out in anger that I couldn't reach him. That's classic attachment cry protest stuff.

I actually make a conscious effort to show him respect. But it's not like a traditional marriage in that way, I am the breadwinner not by choice, I have to manage the finances and lead the relationship even though I don't want to do any of that. I ask him to lead us or weigh in on decisions and he refuses to take up space. A few weeks back I asked to get back to couples therapy and said maybe three times in two sessions that I want him to have opinions and take up space. And it's true! I do get bored if he picks something to watch I don't like myself but I am happy to sit with him anyway. He often won't watch the thing bc I am bored but I don't know how to pretend not to be.

I find it so interesting that you see contempt in my behavior when I've been drowning in feeling contempt from him for the last 12-24 months. I gave myself a reckoning for my past behavior towards him, I read the Engel book on emotionally abusive marriages and saw the ways we both can be abusive.

And when I read that people who grow up abused either end up with an abuser or pick someone that can't possibly be abusive and are likely to then perpetrate abuse, I saw it in myself. I cried and immediately went to him and apologized. And set to work changing myself. I worked really hard at changing drastically in every possible way to stop being like that. I got help, got meds, kept in my mind a constant awareness that I had been abusive to him, because the thought of being like that to someone I care for makes me feel awful bc no he didn't deserve that from me, nobody "deserves" abuse. Even when he was floundering and not getting any help or asking for any help, he didn't deserve abuse.

I have been making amends since I realized what was going on. It is very hard to confront yourself on purpose with your worst behavior and do so repeatedly, most people I know are not really able to sit with their shame like this, but I know that it does not match my values to be like that and that difference is what has helped me hold myself accountable to make a change.

The therapy I'm in now is a consequence of recognizing the damage I did to my husband and trying to heal it, knowing that my own attachment issues were causing me to be destructive and having so much inner conflict, inconsistency, different parts showing different attachment styles etc, wanting to just find attachment not so damn terrifying so I am not working against myself constantly.

But if you're talking about me wanting him to change vs love him for who he is, yeah, guilty, there's a lot about how he lives his life that is hard for me to accept. How he manages unemployment for one. His under functioning. I don't know how to accept and love that a person that is supposed to be my partner is dumping so much adult responsibility on me.

I have more thoughts but it's late here. I should move some stuff around but I'm too tired. I believe that I have given your comments some serious thought and maybe you're right but gosh this is way better than it used to be. He would say that too. I say that about my behavior and his as well. He has grown up somewhat. But we are both still very broken people.

If you could give me examples of how I could show him respect better I would appreciate it. I haven't called anymore. Today he slept later than he has every other time, I didn't knock on the door or anything. I don't say anything that he has to have a drink like literally every day. He dresses like a slob and I mostly don't say anything about that either. He doesn't shower as often as other people and even that I only mention if he's trying to get intimate as a thing hey dude you better shower if you want to to that. Is that not showing respect? I guess I really don't understand it then.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
Par for the course = both what can be expected AND reasonable doesn’t matter.

Why doesn’t reasonable matter? Because once one person DESPISES another person to the degree it’s clear you hate/loathe/despise your husband? They can’t even chew food or breathe “correctly”. Your hatred and extreme contempt for the man doesn’t just drip off the page, it extends to utterly dehumanizing him.

If this were “just” a trauma reaction? Your questions would be different, as you’d be feeling terrible for how badly you’ve been treating him, but instead? Your contempt and disgust justify it. Not for the first time. I’m expecting there’s at least a BIT of hyperbole involved, but in this single issue? 500+ times, give or take, but ultimately enough for it to be a nuclear bomb every time it lands. On other issues you’ve reality checked on, or vented about? I’ve had enemies I held with more fondness & respect.

***

None of which is to say that you don’t also feel a helluva lot more than what you’re presenting. Long term relationships, even the best of them, are complicated. And the worst of them can involve being beaten and raped at night only to be giggling whilst painting nails and sharing confidences in the morning, and a depth of pride/worth/belonging in the afternoon. I’m not trying to say the ONLY thing you feel is XYZ, or that the only way you/he behave is ABC. Or even, if I’m not minding my language, what you’re feeling whatsoever. I’m just reflecting what you’re presenting. Which is: Whoa. You really f*cking hate that guy. Like chaseus fawking keeerist, are you actually revelling in his/your pain, or do you just not realize how far past the line of “okay” this has not only gotten to, but is being sustained at?!? He’s not even a man, at this point. He’s a meat-puppet whose sole function is to make you feel better, by either being your Valium, soothing your distress, or your whipping boy to unleash your rage at when you’re upset/afraid about something else entirely (like the shot). That’s not okay, honey. For him, or you. That’s seriously f*cked up. On your part, alone. Never minding any of what his may be, just the shit YOU are doing, needs a wake up call. Stop. What you are doing is not okay.

***
What I’m MOST curious about? Has to do with the avalanche of hatred you demonstrate for your husband justifying your actions… but? You didn’t ask, so feel free to ignore…

1. If you have a history of abuse, do you have the commonly held belief that “only” abusive relationships can be / should be ended?
2. And if so? Is your escalating mistreatment of your husband an attempt to bump your relationship into abuse-land so that you “can” end it?

Because it seems like you’re a very short step away from slamming his head in the kitchen cabinets for not drying off the can opener before putting it away. And, quite frankly, if you were a man? The police would probably already be involved.

- People with PTSD often treat their partners badly, which is wrong, and needs to stop. SOME of what’s going on with you & your husband? Is clearly that. Mixing him up with past abusers, and so what would be totally justified self defense then, is flat out abuse now.

- But? There also comes a time, in a lot of marriages, where one person so despises the other, they can’t even sleep right, breathe right, eat right, answer the phone right, etc., and there’s very little coming back from that. It’s possible, but contempt really is a horseman in relationships, IME.

- And then there are core beliefs learned in trauma, like anything short of abuse doesn’t justify ending a relationship -therefore- even totally nonabusive normal things are taken AS abuse, and/or, in lieu of being abused by someone else, the willingness to step into the role of abuser if it’s what “needs” doing. (It doesn’t, but that’s emotional logic, and core beliefs f*cking shit up left, right, & center).
I do need to correct something you said. The fear wasn't the shot. I did have it before. This was the first time I had an allergic reaction but hours had passed. The situation was upsetting bc I need my partner to be my person. He has been inconsistently available throughout the marriage with tech problems, ADHD, settings not getting changed, etc. Eight phone numbers in eight years is a lot if you aren't a drug dealer.

So it's like I have asked over and over for some way to be able to reach him consistently, bc not reaching him when I expect to absolutely triggers a huge big T trauma response for me and I get swept right into it, and it's exhausting. I try to not let it happen but sometimes I am tired, sleep deprived, stressed or irritated about something else with him too and then add the suddenly unreachable without explanation? The guy that has the same facial hair as my dad who died suddenly and unexpectedly is suddenly unreachable without any warning. Yeah. Pretty sure I've actually done EMDR on this one too. But it's a beast. It kicks up when he decides to nap and doesn't warn me too. It took me way too long to understand why him napping made me unreasonably angry. It was fear. It was fight mode coming out.

Same here. It's not the shot. It's the man that should want to protect me and be my hero abandoning those responsibilities. Choosing to not be dependable. If he were otherwise dependable or trying hard to be, then not being able to get him sometimes wouldn't be so scary. But he does not make a consistent effort to be dependable. So I don't have security. His actions have caused severe negative consequences for me so his presence in my life causes insecurity even as I also seek security from him because that is what you are supposed to do with an attachment figure.

So yeah you made some wrong assumptions. This is about my abandonment button getting pushed over and over and him not balancing it in other ways so that I feel like he has my back. Iirc you were in combat, correct? Would you have a guy like this the only one watching your 6? Probably not. I love him and he has been really amazing in many ways but being grounded, reliable, protective, etc is not his thing, and it's hard to feel safe in that situation.
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
Unfortunately sometimes (and this is so hard to touch or point or see) we internalize shit from the past called ptsd and we seriously re-live it with our chosen partners to satisfy what was missed or sometimes to gratify ourselves without meaning it- it just feels good to triumph over a person sometimes. It is so enmeshed, so intricate because some people literally take their partner and put it in the area of the mind/brain where the abuse took place and absolutely cannot tell the difference. No matter what. This is so fatalistic but it is true unless...

Now, the fact you can be even in therapy tells me unfortunately you transfer all the past abuse and the dynamic of your relationship into the ptsd black hole - your relationship and you are transferring all good and reasonable and cognitive, and emotional health/intelligence to outside - to the therapist, to us on Ptsd (you sound very reasonable person to me) and to others - the only person you myopically put all your negative aspects is your relationship and unfortunately your husband.

The unless above can only happen in very few narrow ways: you divorce and hopefully deal with the new fall out and the past in therapy. find a new partner and start all over OR
You seriously go to a rehab relationship where you breakdown (not a bad way with support and guidance like psyechodylic style) so you can clearly see the cracks consciously and rebuild again.

both sound deep work on your part. I am sorry. I know the feeling in my own life similar. It is huge unrepressed, unsuppressed and creatively un-bearable hostility and when it finds a target...just imagine.

edited
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
Unfortunately sometimes (and this is so hard to touch or point or see) we internalize shit from the past called ptsd and we seriously re-live it with our chosen partners to satisfy what was missed or sometimes to gratify ourselves without meaning it- it just feels good to triumph over a person sometimes. It is so enmeshed, so intricate because some people literally take their partner and put it in the area of the mind/brain where the abuse took place and absolutely cannot tell the difference. No matter what. This is so fatalistic but it is true unless...

Now, the fact you can be even in therapy tells me unfortunately you transfer all the past abuse and the dynamic of your relationship into the ptsd black hole - your relationship and you are transferring all good and reasonable and cognitive, and emotional health/intelligence to outside - to the therapist, to us on Ptsd (you sound very reasonable person to me) and to others - the only person you myopically put all your negative aspects is your relationship and unfortunately your husband.

The unless above can only happen in very few narrow ways: you divorce and hopefully deal with the new fall out and the past in therapy. find a new partner and start all over OR
You seriously go to a rehab relationship where you breakdown (not a bad way with support and guidance like psyechodylic style) so you can clearly see the cracks consciously and rebuild again.

both sound deep work on your part. I am sorry. I know the feeling in my own life similar. It is huge unrepressed, unsuppressed and creatively un-bearable hostility and when it finds a target...just imagine.

edited
See.... I am having a hard time seeing this. I don't want to triumph over my partner, I want him to step up and BE a partner. From my perspective he is half functioning and I have been forced to fill in the gaps and I am tired, plus feeling insecure because he is reliable for 40% of what he signs up for and I never know which thing will be in the 40%. I agree with you there was a time that what you are saying was true but it does not feel like that is what happens now...? My mother was abusive, my father was not, just just abandoned me in a traumatic way. I had an introject and was acting out with my partner bc I didn't know better and have been trying to heal that... but sometimes he still sucks... lets me down... we all know PTSD and disappointment cause a strong response... that is where my cognitive distortions show up for sure.

How is it I can describe how I am and how my partner is, and you see this as me transferring all the negative PTSD stuff to the relationship, vs some of that happening and also a big dose of, my partner does not fulfill a lot of normal relationship expectations and I get upset about it? I have to carry the family financially, relationally, emotionally, I have to manage the bigger picture logistics etc. and then also, the care behavior he did when we met, the kindness and empathy is gone, partly bc of me or maybe entirely bc of me, but how am I supposed to be responsible for all of that and not get my emotional needs met and not be upset about it?

How can I possibly rebuild the relationship from a psychedelic integration type of experience if there are also cracks on his side, that he does not want to see or deal with? If it really was all me, it would be different but I cannot rebuild when things are shitty on his side too... I do not know how, unless I see him matching the effort, and consciously trying to respond with more courtesy, and seeing the ways I am doing the same...

I did not mention before and do not like to talk about it but he also is a felon, he went to jail unexpectedly twice within a year or two of getting married, both times caught me entirely off guard and I had a newborn. So he has literally abandoned me more than once, for a few months each time. He also got laid off and drove my car into someone's house the same week... that was trauma for me.... And this is the bigger picture of how he shows up, as a mess, as someone that does not get his life together, makes unexpected decisions, things explode in his face in ways that also hurt people close to him, and here I am just trying to survive and maybe find a way to get the things from him that I know he IS capable of, when there is so much he seems clearly not capable of. Like leading a family, staying out of jail, remembering what he agreed to do, etc.
 

JadeB.

MyPTSD Pro
once I could not reach him I tested the "break glass" functionality he previously agreed to have, and flipped out when I discovered he had not maintained it. My issue was that the settings he agreed to, he withdrew without telling me.
Of everything I've read in this thread I found that the most telling and interesting.

You were upset that he broke an agreement yet from what I'm understanding you broke an agreement also and tried to contact him when it wasn't an emergency.

"Do as I say,not as I do" and double standards don't usually work well at all in relationships.

I just wanted to point that out,not to upset you but rather to maybe help you see things differently.
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
it just feels good to triumph over a person sometimes.
This quote meant that you may be slaying old dragons from the past to "overcome" and with Ptsd and such you might be doing the same in your relationship as confusion or unconscious or re-enactments etc. It was not meant to that you "need" to win over him cause that will just lead to more power struggle which is basically what is happening already.

However, I am glad to see you are much more articulating what you need/want rather than standing by the trigger narrative.
I wish well truly. It is difficult situation because what we as humans do sometimes have unpredictable dynamics and unpredictable outcomes and it is hard to predict how much other people impacted want to also solve the problem - hence it takes two to tango scenario.
 
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