You're working through a lot of stuff, but just to clarify this bit, I wasn't pursuing the contempt feeling. It was the fear reaction: I can't get through (fear, panic, anger, etc) leading to calling and calling and ultimately exploding.How is that about contempt?
Yeah. I think most of that was him angry that I wanted to be able to wake him from a nap. He doesn't really understand that sometimes you need to not wait 30 mins on a callback. But he has since said we can change his phone settings however I need, as long as I only use it in a real emergency.Sounds a bit silly IMHO. Spouses usually need to contact one another in an emergency. What am I missing? Are you separated? No kids?
I agree with that but I also believe that holds true for you also.I believe that he put up with too much from me. But my own therapist says that he made a choice to do that, and I need to let him be responsible for that choice, not treat it like I am responsible for his choice, and she is right. He could have left.
but that he works nights.I think most of that was him angry that I wanted to be able to wake him from a nap. He doesn't really understand that sometimes you need to not wait 30 mins on a callback. But he has since said we can change his phone settings however I need, as long as I only use it in a real emergency.
@JadeB. you are correct. I never meant to imply that it's his fault I'm still here. I made a choice. I stayed once I started getting the right treatment to address my symptoms better because I felt that I owed him. If I hurt him with my behavior, then I could at least stick around behaving better, and even if we ultimately go our separate ways at least I have had a chance to help his subconscious experience safer interactions... so that I do not feel like I gave him CPTSD in the process of trying to deal with my own, then left him to just be broken and unable to have a relationship without the influence of our dynamic.You are responsible for choosing to stay through all of this,even after all the things he's said and done,after all the hurt and pain he has caused you. It's obvious there's much resentment and contempt towards him,it comes through loud and clear with all the things you repeatedly complain about that he's said and done.
Well, I have to disagree with this. His ADHD is very severe. He has literally forgotten his kids exist before. We moved to be closer to them and over a month went by, he had not set up a visit, and when I asked I could see from the look on his face that they just disappeared from his reality. That's not because it didn't matter to him. Believing if someone wants something badly enough they will do it without any reminders is dangerous when ADHD is involved.If he truly wants things to change and work he will put in the work and do what he needs to do without you having to argue or remind him to. Like this whole contacting him in an emergency thing, if it was important to him he would have done it. No excuses. If he can't do something that simple,knowing it's important to you, what does that imply?
Yeah it sucks. If I did not see ultimate willingness for most of it, effort to move in the direction of what I am asking for, then it would be a very different conversation. But he is trying, for the most part. Even with this emotional intimacy stuff, he tries. He will go with me to therapy whenever I ask, attend a marriage workshop, etc. No he does not take the lead and yes I am tired of leading and want him to pick up some of the responsibility.I've been in your shoes and it's sad to watch(read) someone try so hard to just want what they want from the person they love and not get it. And then be so triggered ,rageful and spiral because of it,over and over. It's a never ending cycle.
Until this incident, I did not have collective internal support to take an action like that. And, I am respectfully going to reject your statement, because that would mean if I try to leave and can't, that I am lacking in self-respect and also a failure. And that's not a helpful belief to have in situations like this. If I try and can't, it is because some of my parts are not ready for it, and I am supposed to work on respecting that each one has a job and its own position about things, and to understand what those things are instead of judge myself (them) for not acting precisely how I want to act, because I will not ultimately achieve internal cooperation very well if I am judging and shaming parts of myself.There comes a time when you have to say enough is enough and have enough self respect to walk away.
@HealingMama not sure if this is helpful, but just trying to wrap my mind around this/ untangle it:
If I understand correctly, the gist of this was, the medical procedure (drug) could have had a bad side-effect as it did in the past, but it did not and you were driving home. The emergency number was if it did, or something else was an emergency (though arguably only 911 could actually help if that were the case). However as the phone was off, your H wouldn't have been available regardless, and that made you feel unsafe, and like he didn't care, as did his anger or saying, ~(paraphrasing) 'Well you survived this time anyway'. (Which makes me wonder if it feels like there have been a lot of 'times', a lot of emergencies? And I don't mean that or any of this with any judgement). You also said:
Yep you pretty much got it. I had a close-ish call with the treatment, and on the way home I had a time sensitive request, and when I could not reach him with one call, I considered what his known work hours were as far as when he expected to be off work and when he expected to be home from work, what time we had last spoken, the conversation we had previously about how long he should nap to be able to properly rest in the big stretch of time before work, and made a conscious choice to use the "break glass" functionality that he previously agreed to have, thinking to myself it's time sensitive, and no it isn't an emergency but he had said he wants to limit naps to an hour anyway and probably slept through the alarm and will appreciate help sticking to the structure we talked about.but that he works nights.
Then, you felt hurt, then angry, perhaps hoped he would apologize. Then felt suspicious that his words would not really indicate he would be there for you, or supportive in the future, and that was further evidence he does not care?
Good observation. He has said as much. If everything is super important then nothing is, and he can't sort it anymore so he's just got a muted response to everything which unfortunately is very triggering sometimes and does feel like "if he cared then I would see more emotion than this."Is it possible, that particularly with ptsd and what can feel like a near constant state of crisis, he simply recognized he has to sleep to be able to function, ( which he may feel you are not affording to him as a critical need, and therefore you do not care); that he could not control what transpired from your shot, and except for his part of not seeming concerned enough about the outcome, then left it to you to drive home? I say this simply because one cannot maintain crisis levels all the time with no break, especially with the fact that that is what life throws at many people, whether it's living with cancer or illness, or SI, or whatever. Trauma processing is like going through everything again, except worse the second time- but you are not actually living in it/ through it as you were the 1st time. So the sense of urgency is too much on a day to day basis with all the current stressors on top of it.
You are right. I feel like I communicate clearly but it seems that's often not the case. That came up last night too, I said I am supposed to work towards interdependency as part of my attachment healing and I can't do it without your help! And he said it's not fair that I decided to change my entire personality structure and have new expectations without telling him. I thought I had, bc elements of interdependency had come up in conversations, but no I never specifically said I am trying to depend on you as part of healthy, appropriate dependency and need that to be ok and need to see you doing the same as part of rewriting my internal models about all of this.I still wonder if it might also help to get better educated on adhd, and to communicate clearly: you needed/ hoped for a supportive interaction after the shot; he basically said he has to sleep to function. What would the middle ground look like if you could do this again?
As an aside, as to unsafety, the truth is your trauma 'could' play out again. Or it might not. If you do not choose to trust, that is ok too. But you have to meet each other 1/2 way if not, and put both of your needs as equal importance. Contempt arises from constantly thinking you have been superior, including in giving. But if you are giving to get, it is with strings. As far a being equally supportive, it can be as simple (or difficult) as communicating what precisely you need, but within the realization of the other person's strengths and limitations too, and their needs.
Yep, his ADHD and mine are very different and yes I cope with rigid structures to keep me functioning and have a hard time with his "eh everything is always gonna change anyway, I can't hold anything, I can't do a thing in life and get predictable results so I will just let go of everything" position. But last night he said that is also how he copes so well with me. It does not seem that he copes well with me based on all this probably, but I do change significantly way more frequently than the average person, and I am sure that it would be really jarring to be in a relationship with someone whose personality seems to shift all the time.Sleep is huge for executive functioning, emotional regulation , even emotional and physical pain management, for everyone. No one wants to be where they are unwelcome, or can't get it right, or are always nagged or criticized. It doesn't feel (if I've got this right) that he cares when it was so important to you. But then, you would have had to say that in advance, that you would like to talk even if it wasn't an emergency. But my understanding is, if it also wasn't an emergency, he would have been willing to talk if you waited until he could rest, because that was his need. So in other words, neither person can give their best if they feel either railroaded, or neglected.
Also, if you both have adhd it's important to realize it doesn't mean you have identical challenges or strengths, or what works for you will work for him. And a parental dynamic is gross. But people with adhd are not flawed, they have a different type of mind/ thinking/ ways to approach tasks. (it is being referred to as VAST most recently- Variable Attention Stimulus Trait). It's a difference, not a defect. I really would try to learn more about it, as he could just as equally infer you don't care enough about him to make an effort to understand, because (he may feel) you seem not to understand his needs (that is how it works- exchanging mutual hurts). And/or for yourself if you have it it may be helpful too (because some people with it adopt a very rigid system to work around/ with it, whereas others an entirely different system is more adoptable. And it usually comes with lower self awareness, so time to dig deep when looking at your own self/ traits). But fwiw, if you stay you could invest just as much time in developing understanding, vs nursing hurts/ having a combative environment. So it is your choice, because no one can choose what's best for you more than you.
I haven't read everything and I may be missing context. I wondered if there was another way for you to see this above? As it sounds as though you are stuck at the moment given the importance you hold this event in.Yes I took his behavior as evidence that he does not want to be there for me, even in a true need scenario. I have complained before that I don't feel like I can list him as my emergency contact and that feels terrible. The last month or so there's been about 4 situations where I eventually came out and said, this thing that is happening is a form of me asking the question "Will you be there for me when I really need you" and you saying "no." I told him this is another one of those.
yep. Because neither of you trust the other. You don't trust him to answer, and he doesn't trust you not to call unless it was an emergencyMy issue was that the settings he agreed to, he withdrew without telling me
The one where neither of you trust each other.need to know what field we are playing on.
Yep - and it does look like you are doing the work you need to do. But. You are doing with someone who is just as unstable as you are, with some of the same issues. So.....he may not the one ho can meet those needsMy needs are more childish looking in how they manifest because I had all this blocked off from age 8 to age 26 or so, I have a lot of catching up I am trying to do here.
so hitting him was the only way you could talk to him?. I had no other way to communicate how insanely unacceptable I thought his behavior was considering he made that child too and needed to help support it.
Reread this. ^^^^^I actually make a conscious effort to show him respect. But it's not like a traditional marriage in that way, I am the breadwinner not by choice, I have to manage the finances and lead the relationship even though I don't want to do any of that. I ask him to lead us or weigh in on decisions and he refuses to take up space. A few weeks back I asked to get back to couples therapy and said maybe three times in two sessions that I want him to have opinions and take up space. And it's true! I do get bored if he picks something to watch I don't like myself but I am happy to sit with him anyway. He often won't watch the thing bc I am bored but I don't know how to pretend not to be.
I get why you want thatI want him to step up and BE a partner. From my perspective he is half functioning and I have been forced to fill in the gaps and I am tired, plus feeling insecure because he is reliable for 40% of what he signs up for and I never know which thing will be in the 40%. I