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Hyper sexuality questions. Suggestions welcome

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FunLife23

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Hi. I am finally at 50 in serious therapy for CPTSD and some co challenges. I am not certain I am posting this in the right place - new here and not super computer savvy. But my serious concerns are about my hyper sexuality. I am male, happily married (2nd marriage), and an empty nester. Things I did prior to seeking mental helth help (2 months of therapy to date) seemed to always have a degree of danger - career and hobbies. I am viewed as very masculine - tall, dark, handsome, etc and I have had no shortage of sex partners. I lost virginity around 14 and dated a much older girl when I was 16 (she was 20) who really opened my eyes to hetero sex. But she cheated on me - which I mention because I wonder how it plays on my subsequent sexcapades. Anyway she slept with this guy, ends up dating him, and I stuck around and we would have sex too. In hindsight it was pathetic, but it was my first super sexed GF AND I was 16. So I was willing to share (be a cuck?). Well here I am at 50 and ever since that relationship, I think about having other men make love to whomever I'm with. I've shared that fantasy with my ex wife and she played along in fantasy, but we never acted on it. My current wife of 8 years is also very sexual and she has had around 15 3sums with me and other men. I don't need to share details, I don't think, but I totally question if this is healthy for us or causing more damage BECAUSE I do not trust that I am engaging in these MFM 3sums to hurt myself because in some part of me it upsets me, causes me fear (will she want another man instead of me? will she feel I don't love her?). Or are we just a sexually adventurous couple and this happens to be our flavor?

So that is a huge deal for me to understand about myself and then there is this: My engaging in risky, anonymous, and even dangerous same sex activities. As far as I know I am straight. But when certain conditions arise - anything really that starts triggering feelings/thoughts of no self-worth, shame, etc... I will go on hookup apps or sites or even stop in at one of our local adult bookstores/theaters and basically allow myself to be groped, grabbed, mouths, erections, etc. I do get horny, sure - but often do not get aroused or even ejaculate in these encounters. I basically want to be used, physically hurt, etc. I use protection about half the time and have never swallowed a man's sperm but have gotten mouthfulls. I also let guys penetrate me with or without condoms. I have heard about Prep but don't dare risking my wife finding out (she has articulated being grossed out by anal sex and isn't into watching 2 men). Yet I expose myself to major STDs and diseases probably 2 times a year - sometimes with multiple guys in a day or 2. Then shame and disgust hit me so hard that it has actually kept me from meeting any guys for sex because I am afraid I might really harm myself from shame if I do it again. But the last 3 days I have been cruising the old websites and sharing naughty intimate pictures of myself with strangers, using our sex toys on myself and not nicely or gently... But thankfully dildo's don't seem to spiral me into self hate and thoughts of harm. But I tease nearby guys and am so close to going and satisfying this dark part of myself I don't understand.

So my questions are: Are there any tools for getting that dangerous sexual part of myself out before engaging in super degrading sexual behaviors? Are there any others with a similar experience? Am I bi or gay and totally in denial (sorry to be blunt - but as soon as I orgasm, i lose ALL arousal at the thought of being intimate with another man. If I am just masterbating to fantasies, I could be aroused enough by the next day, however, to offer myself to strange guys to do what they want to me. When I have met with guys in real life, I literally flee after I have orgasm'd and feel disgusted and gross for months. But then... 2 or 3 months pass and I seem to get restless. And any thoughts on mfm with my wife? She likes having other guys want her and we still recall our adventures when making love. So maybe we are just a "stag vixen" couple. But I am so confused and with my sexual arousal being amped up lately I am asking for help to keep from acting on them. It is very dangerous for me but when I get to a certain place with it, I become almost a zombie - detached. Just go present myself and take what comes.

I apologize if any of this is inappropriate or offensive. I am too shy to talk to either of my therapists about the nitty gritty and I want to heal!!
 
Definitely an issue for therapy. Shyness isn't an excuse - you're going to have to buckle up and approach this. In your shoes I'd print out this post and hand it to your therapist to read.
Are there any tools for getting that dangerous sexual part of myself out before engaging in super degrading sexual behaviors? Are there any others with a similar experience?
This isn't a part of you - it is YOU. You may need better coping strategies than acting out, but it can be extremely difficult. For the moment it sounds like you may be harming yourself with this kind of acting out.
Am I bi or gay and totally in denial
None of us here can answer that question. One thing to know is that a lot of men who were abused as boys by other males experience same-sex attraction. Some men try to fight it; others don't and are able to integrate it healthily into their lives.
And any thoughts on mfm with my wife?
It sounds like you have a lot of ambivalence about participating in this kind of sex. It might be wise to stop for now until you can get some kind of handle on whether you think it's harming you or not.
 
Definitely an issue for therapy. Shyness isn't an excuse - you're going to have to buckle up and approach this. In your shoes I'd print out this post and hand it to your therapist to read.

This isn't a part of you - it is YOU. You may need better coping strategies than acting out, but it can be extremely difficult. For the moment it sounds like you may be harming yourself with this kind of acting out.

None of us here can answer that question. One thing to know is that a lot of men who were abused as boys by other males experience same-sex attraction. Some men try to fight it; others don't and are able to integrate it healthily into their lives.

It sounds like you have a lot of ambivalence about participating in this kind of sex. It might be wise to stop for now until you can get some kind of handle on whether you think it's harming you or not.
Thank you for your replies to my writing. Very supportive and clear. I'm doing my absolute best to not act on these impulses ever again. I have somehow avoided embarrassment, disease. My psychic wounds are unreal at times as is the shame. So again, thank you for caring enough about a stranger to share kindness. It means a lot.
 
The good news is that you realize that it could be self-harm for you and are working on it. That is huge and don't sell yourself short. This kind of self-harming is really hard to fix, so don't beat yourself up. Just identifying that there's a problem is a lot farther than many guys get. And once you get your therapists on board, you'll have accountability. So I really see everything you're writing about here as a true positive step towards healing.
 
The good news is that you realize that it could be self-harm for you and are working on it. That is huge and don't sell yourself short. This kind of self-harming is really hard to fix, so don't beat yourself up. Just identifying that there's a problem is a lot farther than many guys get. And once you get your therapists on board, you'll have accountability. So I really see everything you're writing about here as a true positive step towards healing.
Thank you. I hope I can get past sharing this part of my life with anyone beyond anonymous boards. And what I might learn/remember in my past (I have no memory of CSA but I am and have been so weird about sex and seem to have so many of the signs. 1 day at a time
 
Your self harm through sexual acts is not just harmful to you. By not being honest with your wife, your wife does not have the information she needs to have agency in making decisions about her own sexual health. You’re taking away her right to informed consent. Your concern seems to be that she’d be disapproving of you taking PREP to protect yourself, but what about the consequences of you not taking PREP or using protection? You’re putting her at risk for STDs and HIV, too. Plus any other partners.

You have been open about so much and she hasn’t seemed to judge you yet. Please give her a chance to accept this part of you, too so that you can move forward in a way that is safe and healthy for both of you. Maybe couples counseling could help? Websites like Psychology Today make it easier to find therapists who are open to or specialize in polyamory, sex and are LGBTQIA+ affirming. It could also give you the opportunity to better define the nature of your sexual relationship together/apart, set boundaries and strengthen your partnership. Maybe you decide together that certain things are kept secret, but it all starts with honesty. Good luck to you both!
 
Your self harm through sexual acts is not just harmful to you. By not being honest with your wife, your wife does not have the information she needs to have agency in making decisions about her own sexual health. You’re taking away her right to informed consent. Your concern seems to be that she’d be disapproving of you taking PREP to protect yourself, but what about the consequences of you not taking PREP or using protection? You’re putting her at risk for STDs and HIV, too. Plus any other partners.

You have been open about so much and she hasn’t seemed to judge you yet. Please give her a chance to accept this part of you, too so that you can move forward in a way that is safe and healthy for both of you. Maybe couples counseling could help? Websites like Psychology Today make it easier to find therapists who are open to or specialize in polyamory, sex and are LGBTQIA+ affirming. It could also give you the opportunity to better define the nature of your sexual relationship together/apart, set boundaries and strengthen your partnership. Maybe you decide together that certain things are kept secret, but it all starts with honesty. Good luck to you both!
Thank you and you are so right. I'm committed to not engaging in anything until T and I discuss it. And yes. My wife has every right to know.
 
Am I bi or gay and totally in denial
Sex & Sexuality research of the past several decades (I couldn’t, just couldn’t, go to university and not take these classes!!! 🤣) says that nearly all people are biologically bisexual, only the teeny tiny minority purely hetero or homosexual, but those extremes do exist. They just have as much sexual attraction to the opposite/same sex as most of us (rule 34) do to trees, tigers, or traffic signs. How attraction is tested for is via not only via self report, but pupillary action, pheromones, and other biologics that are outside of conscious control. It’s wicked cool. However, most people, even whilst falling somewhere on the bisexual spectrum, are not equally split; instead having -either or both- very strong biological preference or very strong conscious choice. Although? That can & does change according to circumstance, and over the course of a lifetime. As pretty much no matter what one’s sex/gender preferences are? And no matter what society you live in? There ware wide swaths of the population that agree with you.

So the science says that unless you’re in the minority with no choice? It’s up to you, to determine where your passions are, and the voice of your heart.

That said?
I totally question if this is healthy for us or causing more damage BECAUSE I do not trust that I am engaging in these MFM 3sums to hurt myself because in some part of me it upsets me, causes me fear (will she want another man instead of me? will she feel I don't love her?). Or are we just a sexually adventurous couple and this happens to be our flavor?

Can it be both? Or maybe even just two pieces of an even larger whole?

I ask as…

I’ve been an athlete my whole life. I ADORE all things physical. But? For a couple few reasons it’s also my go-to method of self harm, as well as one (two, come to think of it, just in very different ways) of my ‘nuclear coping methods’ (f*ck it. Fight it. Get f*cked up. Make it go faaaaaaaster.). None of my nuclear coping methods are healthy, although they all have healthy variants, and those variants are part of what keep my life healthy/ vibrant/ strong/ balanced when I’m doing well.

So it’s more complicated than good/bad, quit/relapse, all or nothing.

Sex, fighting, substances, & thrill… can not only be very healthy components in a life, 3:4 are core components OF my healthiest & most balanced life (the 4th is just a bonus, not necessary, still enjoyed). But both the absence of them, and when I’ve hit f*ck it? <low whistle> Very, very bad signs.

So that is a huge deal for me to understand about myself and then there is this: My engaging in risky, anonymous, and even dangerous same sex activities.
If this were me, talking about my life, we’d be in nuclear coping mechanism territory. I’m going to run with that assumption for a minute, but recognize I could be totally off base.

Are there any tools for getting that dangerous sexual part of myself out before engaging in super degrading sexual behaviors? Are there any others with a similar experience?
The thing about nuclear coping mechanisms is that

1 - I can’t just remove them from my life without far far worse happening. IE what they’re holding back / coping with.

2 - I have NEVER been able to find a straight switch for them. Instead?

- I have to really honestly parse/break shit down to find out what it is about them that works, so I can find/add other things in/to my life that meet those same needs.
- I usually have to back them down in stages to really identify those pieces I need to fulfill elsewhere.
- Honesty matters. Which means that the parts we dislike/are ashamed of? Are equally important. If you don’t find replacements that meets the need of keeping secrets, or risk? You’ll (or at least I will) just jump right back into the nuclear method that. just. f*cking. works.

= For every coping mechanism I switch out, I usually have to replace it with at least 2 or 3 new things, and often 5-10. I see this as a win/win …because I get even moooooooore fun things in my life 😎 … but I’m also a bit of a hedonist.

For example? (And, yes, I’m now going to be staying outside of sexual examples for a reason. I can talk sex all day, but it’s often easier to see the process involved when it’s one step away). And speaking of stepping? When I’m stepping back fighting it looks/looked like this:

- Life or Death
- Picking fights outside my weight class
- Semi Friendly Bar Fights
- Fighting with rules (I hate this. I almost never do it. True, bar fights have rules, but they’re fast and loose, and people both break them and accidents happen, so you have to say alert.)
- Sparring (love this. love, love, love this.)
- Katas & other solo training

The more distant we get from the original? The more I can TETRIS. The original has a very specific cocktail of why it’s all things shazaam. But the more I grade down, the more specific I get.

Like sparring? I love almoooooost as much as sex, as it’s the same sort of connected interplay of total awareness, skill, & unthinking instinct. Horseback riding, as well as ‘gravity sports’ like surfing & snowboarding, also hit the same sort of “pay attention!” skill/instinct/partnership/instant & ongoing immediate gratification button. Which gives me choices. If I don’t have a sparring partner? I can hit the beach, the mountains, the stables, or find someone delicious to sleep with. All 4 of those things (and a few others) will grant me that sense of feeling alive/connected/right in the world… if that’s what I’m craving. Conversely, if I’m craving the ocean? Sparring (or any of those others) might NOT meet the desire/release I’m craving. I might need to get right with my own head/heart before I and talk sense with someone else. (Okay. You’ve told it to the ocean, now tell it to me.) Or I might be looking for challenge outside my skill set, and need to find something I’m not good at, to learn. Or, or, or.

^^^ Basic Point Of All Of This ^^^

It gets complicated. Until it’s not, because I’ve broken shit down enough, often enough, I could do it blindfolded, half dead, with my mother in law giving me bad advice at full volume. And then? it’s just keeping shit simple.

KISS

Break it down. Put it back together. Do it again, better. Keep it simple.
 
as soon as I orgasm, i lose ALL arousal at the thought of being intimate with another man.
@OliveJewel I feel like you would be another person who is familiar with this study (or perhaps know more about it than I would, or if it is even a real thing) Something to do with the rise and fall of oxytocin, prolactin and how those transmitters are attuned in the male/female systems (and there are a variety of dysphoria-related endocrinological issues like post-partum depression, pre-menstrual dysphoria, and PCT).

but there is this concept, "post-nut clarity" or post-coital tristesse which is essentially what happens to the endocrine system after orgasm, attributed to a sharp distinction in levels of different hormones and neurotransmitters involved in sex that rapidly resolve once orgasm has been achieved.

I don't actually think that this is your real issue (there is a huge "cultural phenomenon" of men who identify as 100% heterosexual but yet have casual encounters with other men, and this is not something that I believe has been analyzed enough to come to a proper conclusion - whether it's latent homosexuality, trauma, "men will f*ck anything," or whatever -> obviously some of those ideas are more innately harmful than others)

But the reason I bring it up is because ontologically speaking, suddenly losing all sense of arousal or even experiencing shame after orgasm is common in both genders, enough so that it has a name and the science to back it up - and this is not always linked to one's causal environment. Sometimes it is literally "just hormonal." Sometimes hypersexuality is a result of trauma, especially sexual trauma, but symptomatically it can be reflective of any number of issues - or no issues at all!

But I am so confused and with my sexual arousal
Honestly, sexual arousal is neither positive nor negative. It's our sexual acts that are important. Some people enjoy being degraded and do not perceive it as harmful, and as long as they are having safe sex (with all parties involved) there is nothing morally wrong about it.

Might it reflect some issue on their part? In my opinion, most probably (relative to their self-esteem, reflecting past experiences, punishing themselves - the usual pop psychology bullshit seems partially on the nose here) but is it wrong? Not really. People are allowed to want to be degraded. The shame at one's own desires is frankly ordinary in our puritanical society, but the real crisis here is that you need to be on PrEP, yes, but PrEP only protects you against one disease.

Hep C, hep A, COVID, scabies, all kinds of other shit is still lurking out there.

sorry to be blunt

Part of the degrading experience should not be the risk of becoming sick. In turn forgive my bluntness. This is another cultural phenomenon that has a very dark history (and something I presume you are not aware of, but if you are and you are behaving like this on purpose, you need to seriously stop and self-reflect, because you are putting every subsequent sexual partner you have at risk, not just yourself) and if I were you, I would work to de-associate those two things.
 
Good points made above. Mostly echoing what Weemie said.
if it is even a real thing)
It is. And much more common in biological men than women, from what I saw.
yet have casual encounters with other men, and this is not something that I believe has been analyzed enough to come to a proper conclusion
Totally agree here, and no funding that I’m aware of for this kind of research unfortunately.
suddenly losing all sense of arousal or even experiencing shame after orgasm is common
Didn’t realize it til reading about post-coital tristesse (thanks for that link Weems) @MovingForward check it out—there’s a name for our thing and it might just be hormones?! Who knew?
sexual arousal is neither positive nor negative. It's our sexual acts that are important.
Agree! It’s the feelings about the feelings that are causing your suffering @FunLife23
Part of the degrading experience should not be the risk of becoming sick. In turn forgive my bluntness.
Well said!

@FunLife23, I encourage you to try opening up to one of your T’s about this. Talking about the embarrassing stuff is where the treasure of therapy often lies. Take your time and explore the edges if you can. The payoff of living inside your skin with authenticity is worth it.
 
I don't actually think that this is your real issue (there is a huge "cultural phenomenon" of men who identify as 100% heterosexual but yet have casual encounters with other men, and this is not something that I believe has been analyzed enough to come to a proper conclusion - whether it's latent homosexuality, trauma, "men will f*ck anything," or whatever -> obviously some of those ideas are more innately harmful than others)
Three things:
1. Post-abuse same-sex attraction is a real, verified thing among men who have been sexually abused by men as children or adults.
2. Researchers are finally beginning to study men who they are labeling "straight men who have sex with other men."
3. Neither phenomenon has been studied enough.

There is a small collection of recovery literature for laypeople that mentions hypersexuality, but it's generally geared towards women. Professional literature exists but for men it tends to be alcohol or drug dependency-based.
 
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