coraxxx
Policy Enforcement
This has been a cognitive distortion that has been haunting me for so long. Given the type of ACE I had, I became a ball of aggression because it was the only thing that worked. Reviewing in time, when I was 15, I believed I was someone very honest. And I was. I told exactly what I thought, until the day I hurt a close friend to the point she never spoke to me again and it crushed me. Since then I understood that I was missing a thing there in terms of sociability. I could sense I was perceived as that weirdo… for so long… I stopped caring. I was like either you can see the good person under the spikes, either you can go f*ck yourself.
Then across 21 I met F., with whom I stayed 6 years. A good friend and husband more than a romantic partner if I can say. Good and stable years. Stopped spiraling in emotional arousal and risky behavior, but started to shell. F. often told me that my demeanor often came off as arrogant because I didn’t pay attention to the cues. And that’s it. He kept telling me that, and while this was (and is) absolutely correct, it started to form a characterization of me as a Brute. When the relationship ended and I was released in the wild again so to speak, I could sense my spikes all coming back on my skin and coming off as arrogant if not obnoxious. While actually I was just disconnected, disoriented and circular. And seeing others getting away from irritated me and I didn’t even see that I was getting into stupid phony situations at uni because my classmates were very young and very high-school like (this in an executive masters… very bad luck).
D. aka evil brat aka the man who left a scar on my face and a broken thumb among other niceties, explored this vulnerability in me to gaslight me telling me that I was careless and selfish towards him and socially incompetent towards others.
So rationally I can trace back this distortion but it keeps resonating with other distorted beliefs, such as I’m not human, I am a sort of beast, a wolf raised by… not even wolves, just no one. A scared animal full of teeth, but certainly not a thing that truly belongs to humanity.
Deep inside, I have an big heart and will go immense lengths to help friends and people who need it. I also have a tendency to remain loyal even when it doesn’t really makes any sense anymore. The gentle side of the wolf full of teeth is a very caring Lassie, anticipating needs even before they manifest, cushioning places with minute. I think this is complicated by gender issues, too, as it’s not well forgiven for women not to be people pleasers. So in a sense I maintained more aggressiveness that I would even do normally in professional settings as to compensate that. Professionally it’s worked out really well but emotionally it’s a very lonely place.
Wondered if anyone else could relate. I don’t really know how to adjust this.
I want to replace this sentence "I’m a brute, a damaged wolf, a rabid vixen, a raging hyena" with something kinder to myself, but I’m really failing to do it so, while in general I’m quite good at challenging negative thoughts. Especially since someone (F.) who has supported me a lot but wasn’t very aware of what repeated words can do over time has used this vocabulary.
Then across 21 I met F., with whom I stayed 6 years. A good friend and husband more than a romantic partner if I can say. Good and stable years. Stopped spiraling in emotional arousal and risky behavior, but started to shell. F. often told me that my demeanor often came off as arrogant because I didn’t pay attention to the cues. And that’s it. He kept telling me that, and while this was (and is) absolutely correct, it started to form a characterization of me as a Brute. When the relationship ended and I was released in the wild again so to speak, I could sense my spikes all coming back on my skin and coming off as arrogant if not obnoxious. While actually I was just disconnected, disoriented and circular. And seeing others getting away from irritated me and I didn’t even see that I was getting into stupid phony situations at uni because my classmates were very young and very high-school like (this in an executive masters… very bad luck).
D. aka evil brat aka the man who left a scar on my face and a broken thumb among other niceties, explored this vulnerability in me to gaslight me telling me that I was careless and selfish towards him and socially incompetent towards others.
So rationally I can trace back this distortion but it keeps resonating with other distorted beliefs, such as I’m not human, I am a sort of beast, a wolf raised by… not even wolves, just no one. A scared animal full of teeth, but certainly not a thing that truly belongs to humanity.
Deep inside, I have an big heart and will go immense lengths to help friends and people who need it. I also have a tendency to remain loyal even when it doesn’t really makes any sense anymore. The gentle side of the wolf full of teeth is a very caring Lassie, anticipating needs even before they manifest, cushioning places with minute. I think this is complicated by gender issues, too, as it’s not well forgiven for women not to be people pleasers. So in a sense I maintained more aggressiveness that I would even do normally in professional settings as to compensate that. Professionally it’s worked out really well but emotionally it’s a very lonely place.
Wondered if anyone else could relate. I don’t really know how to adjust this.
I want to replace this sentence "I’m a brute, a damaged wolf, a rabid vixen, a raging hyena" with something kinder to myself, but I’m really failing to do it so, while in general I’m quite good at challenging negative thoughts. Especially since someone (F.) who has supported me a lot but wasn’t very aware of what repeated words can do over time has used this vocabulary.