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I’m changing my name.

Thread starter #1
Hello, I’m new here.

I’ve been considering for a while changing my name. I turned 40 last September and thought about it then but put it off. It’s not that I don’t like my name Julie Elizabeth but for me it holds a lot of bad memories.

I came from a very abusive toxic family and after my brother assaulted me 8 years ago my mother and sisters cut me out as I refused to forgive him. It led to a breakdown, ptsd, anxiety and then health issues physically. 30+ years of trauma finally caught up with me. My mum refused to be there for me so 4 years ago I decided to stop chasing her and decided I didn’t want them in my life. I was honest for the first time and said I had to put myself first and recover fully. I had therapy and realised I’d had a lifetime of trauma at the hands of that family. I had to do what was right for me and to stop forgiving abuse after abuse.

I was also sexually assaulted 12 years ago by a pub landlord on a night out with friends. I was happily married, had never cheated on my husband. This man spiked my drinks with double vodkas I later found out and I somehow ended upstairs in his pub where he had sex with me, I have zero memory of it other than 1 flash back in his room. This also led to me suffering anxiety, my mother and sisters didn’t support me, they said I was drunk so asked for it and I was a cheat and a w***e. I had therapy and I was told I was raped which I still struggle to believe and still believe what my mum and sisters called me. My therapist was disgusted my family convinced me I was a cheat on my husband so I buried it, blamed myself and never reported it.

Anyway, I have a lot of bad memories and I’m now finally on a healing journey. I have CFS/ME and PTSD but I’m free of my ex family and their abuse. I’m now taking as long as I need to heal. It makes take years but I’m ok with that. I’ve a wonderful husband of 19 years and 3 beautiful teenage children. I’ve got everything I need, I’m so blessed. I’m safe and loved.

To start this journey I wanted to change my name, out of respect I’ll keep Julie Elizabeth as my middle names (respect for my parents) but I wanted to honour my grandmother. I lost her 3 months before my brother assaulted me and I’m still grieving her as she was my safe haven as a child when things at home were hard, my best friend and like a Mum to me. She’s everything I hope to be. She was called Lilian. Before she passed the nurse wrote Lily on a board above her bed and my Nan told me she loved being called Lily, and hadn’t been called if since she was a child. I love the moon and the name Luna just feels perfect for me, so I’m changing my name to Luna-Lily. I wasn’t sure what others would think and if it sounded stupid. I know it’s a mouthful with the Julie Elizabeth too but they won’t really be used as they’re middle names.

What do you think of my new name? Is Luna-Lily awful? I love it but yes I worry what others will think. I applied yesterday so I’m on waiting for the paperwork. I went double barrel because I didn’t want 3 middle names and Luna-Lily I think sounds pretty. It may be too young for a 40 year old woman but I’ve lost a decade of my life to trauma and I still feel so young inside.
 
#2
Hi @Libs40 , welcome!

I'm on the same journey as you: name changing (I write about it in my diary here).
I'm talking to my T about it to make sure I'm changing it for healthy reasons. I've been asking my partner and my friends to call me by my new name most of this year. I just told one of my sisters about it last week. I'm yet to tell my parents , other sister, work, wider family.
My T said that the reasons I've given for wanting to change my name sound empowering.

My question to you would be: does it matter what strangers on the internet think about your new name? (Although it sounds lovely!) The only thing that matters is that you love it; that you're comfortable with it all.
 
Thread starter #3
Hello,

You’re right, I think I’d just like to know if others think it’s a nice name. I know I shouldn’t care what anyone else thinks but I like an opinion hehe,

I don’t have many friends since I became unwell. The friends I did have cut me off as I couldn’t go out for a long time, it’s nice to connect with kind people here, so thank you for replying to me.

Good luck with your name change too 💖
 
#7
Hello, I’m new here.

I’ve been considering for a while changing my name. I turned 40 last September and thought about it then but put it off. It’s not that I don’t like my name Julie Elizabeth but for me it holds a lot of bad memories.

I came from a very abusive toxic family and after my brother assaulted me 8 years ago my mother and sisters cut me out as I refused to forgive him. It led to a breakdown, ptsd, anxiety and then health issues physically. 30+ years of trauma finally caught up with me. My mum refused to be there for me so 4 years ago I decided to stop chasing her and decided I didn’t want them in my life. I was honest for the first time and said I had to put myself first and recover fully. I had therapy and realised I’d had a lifetime of trauma at the hands of that family. I had to do what was right for me and to stop forgiving abuse after abuse.

I was also sexually assaulted 12 years ago by a pub landlord on a night out with friends. I was happily married, had never cheated on my husband. This man spiked my drinks with double vodkas I later found out and I somehow ended upstairs in his pub where he had sex with me, I have zero memory of it other than 1 flash back in his room. This also led to me suffering anxiety, my mother and sisters didn’t support me, they said I was drunk so asked for it and I was a cheat and a w***e. I had therapy and I was told I was raped which I still struggle to believe and still believe what my mum and sisters called me. My therapist was disgusted my family convinced me I was a cheat on my husband so I buried it, blamed myself and never reported it.

Anyway, I have a lot of bad memories and I’m now finally on a healing journey. I have CFS/ME and PTSD but I’m free of my ex family and their abuse. I’m now taking as long as I need to heal. It makes take years but I’m ok with that. I’ve a wonderful husband of 19 years and 3 beautiful teenage children. I’ve got everything I need, I’m so blessed. I’m safe and loved.

To start this journey I wanted to change my name, out of respect I’ll keep Julie Elizabeth as my middle names (respect for my parents) but I wanted to honour my grandmother. I lost her 3 months before my brother assaulted me and I’m still grieving her as she was my safe haven as a child when things at home were hard, my best friend and like a Mum to me. She’s everything I hope to be. She was called Lilian. Before she passed the nurse wrote Lily on a board above her bed and my Nan told me she loved being called Lily, and hadn’t been called if since she was a child. I love the moon and the name Luna just feels perfect for me, so I’m changing my name to Luna-Lily. I wasn’t sure what others would think and if it sounded stupid. I know it’s a mouthful with the Julie Elizabeth too but they won’t really be used as they’re middle names.

What do you think of my new name? Is Luna-Lily awful? I love it but yes I worry what others will think. I applied yesterday so I’m on waiting for the paperwork. I went double barrel because I didn’t want 3 middle names and Luna-Lily I think sounds pretty. It may be too young for a 40 year old woman but I’ve lost a decade of my life to trauma and I still feel so young inside.
Your name is not you and changing your name won't change what happened-but I have a "nickname" and a "legal name-my given name". When I left the dysfunctional family, that was the first thing I wanted to do....change my entire name. Then I realized all the accounts, bonds, stocks, etc that would have to be changed if I did it formally.....lots of money plus court fees. It took me a while to realize that what I'm called isn't important. It took me about a year to change my mind about changing my name. Part of the name change was also an identity issue....finding me. But I was right there all along. I was going to change it all......first and last name and that name would somehow change things-change who I was related to. I had plenty of bad memories, like yourself, but I realized that I am not my name, and changing my name wouldn't change who I was or change how I felt about the past....it would, however, suck some money out of my pocket and create a lot of paperwork for finances and bills.

You can call yourself a nickname.....in honor of your grandmother. Why spend money on a name? It's your name....you can just start signing your initials LL.....on credit cards, medical initials and forms, checks, etc......you don't need to pay someone money to change your name....keep your money......and keep your legal name for legal documents only, and use your nickname for everyday personal things else like personal matters, friendships, etc. If someone asks why the nickname? Say I'm honoring my grandmother and I like her name so much I'm keeping it...it reminds me of her (insert answer here)..... I'm taking it as a nickname so call me Luna-Lily....it really rolls off the tongue....kinda cute and mysterious sounding wrapped into one. With that said, if you want to change your name and think it will be healing...go ahead and do it and forget what other's think. It's your name, your choice, your life.....and you owe noone an explanation about your name.
 
#8
What you say, @TruthSeeker , is exactly why I've been talking to my T about changing my name, to make sure it is the right reasons
We aren't our names, you are right. But our names are used every single day.
I don't know @Libs40 story, and I don't want to highjack her thread, but for me my name is so problematic. It wasn't chosen for me, my parents just hadn't thought of a girl's name for me as they didn't want a girl (they only thought of boys names). So I was given the discarded name of my oldest sister. I'm working through this, and what all the derivatives of my name that I was called, and why.
The reason for me to change my name is that it suits me, it is chosen for me, and why the hell not?! Like @Libs40 , I'm in my 40's. I've spent 40 years hating my name. I don't want to spend another 40 doing that.

My sister put a quote up on Facebook of a man who turned 100. He said that he wished he took up learning the violin when he was 60, rather than thinking he was too old, as if he had, he would now be able to say he has played the violin for 40 years.
I found that beautiful and inspiring.

It seems to go against the culture (at least mine) to change the name you were given. But f that culture! I think it is taking ownership of who we are. It's brave to change your name.
 
#9
I changed my name officially in 2006, after thinking on it for nearly 2 years. Like @TruthSeeker and @Movingforward10 have both said, I also wanted to make sure I was changing my name for the right reasons.

I had no expectation that changing my name would magically make things better, what it did offer was distance and safety.

Distance because anyone I met from that point forward wouldn't connect me to the stories in the newspaper, so I could live my life anonymously and without that association and automatic judgement; distance from the daily reminder and trigger, every time I had to use that name, making it impossible to move forward; and safety because the perpetrators and anyone else I was cutting from my life wouldn't be able to find me.

@Libs40 you have your own reasons for thinking about changing your name, and if you do it for the right reasons *for you*, there won't be regret or doubt about your decision.
 
Thread starter #10
I changed my name officially in 2006, after thinking on it for nearly 2 years. Like @TruthSeeker and @Movingforward10 have both said, I also wanted to make sure I was changing my name for the right reasons.

I had no expectation that changing my name would magically make things better, what it did offer was distance and safety.

Distance because anyone I met from that point forward wouldn't connect me to the stories in the newspaper, so I could live my life anonymously and without that association and automatic judgement; distance from the daily reminder and trigger, every time I had to use that name, making it impossible to move forward; and safety because the perpetrators and anyone else I was cutting from my life wouldn't be able to find me.

@Libs40 you have your own reasons for thinking about changing your name, and if you do it for the right reasons *for you*, there won't be regret or doubt about your decision.
Thank you so much.
ive considered it for 11 months now and never gone ahead with it but recently coming to terms with the sexual assault that I buried for 12 years, I now feel ready for a fresh start and real healing. Changing my name just feels part of that.

Thank you 🙏🏼

What you say, @TruthSeeker , is exactly why I've been talking to my T about changing my name, to make sure it is the right reasons
We aren't our names, you are right. But our names are used every single day.
I don't know @Libs40 story, and I don't want to highjack her thread, but for me my name is so problematic. It wasn't chosen for me, my parents just hadn't thought of a girl's name for me as they didn't want a girl (they only thought of boys names). So I was given the discarded name of my oldest sister. I'm working through this, and what all the derivatives of my name that I was called, and why.
The reason for me to change my name is that it suits me, it is chosen for me, and why the hell not?! Like @Libs40 , I'm in my 40's. I've spent 40 years hating my name. I don't want to spend another 40 doing that.

My sister put a quote up on Facebook of a man who turned 100. He said that he wished he took up learning the violin when he was 60, rather than thinking he was too old, as if he had, he would now be able to say he has played the violin for 40 years.
I found that beautiful and inspiring.

It seems to go against the culture (at least mine) to change the name you were given. But f that culture! I think it is taking ownership of who we are. It's brave to change your name.
That’s a brilliant way to think and so true.

I loved over 30 years at the hands of my families abuse: I broke free but keeping the name they called me by doesn’t feel part of my healing. Now I’ve come to terms also with the sexual assault 12 years ago I feel now I’m ready to heal and changing my name to something I love feels part of my healing 💜

It’s great you’re doing what’s best for you also 💖

Your name is not you and changing your name won't change what happened-but I have a "nickname" and a "legal name-my given name". When I left the dysfunctional family, that was the first thing I wanted to do....change my entire name. Then I realized all the accounts, bonds, stocks, etc that would have to be changed if I did it formally.....lots of money plus court fees. It took me a while to realize that what I'm called isn't important. It took me about a year to change my mind about changing my name. Part of the name change was also an identity issue....finding me. But I was right there all along. I was going to change it all......first and last name and that name would somehow change things-change who I was related to. I had plenty of bad memories, like yourself, but I realized that I am not my name, and changing my name wouldn't change who I was or change how I felt about the past....it would, however, suck some money out of my pocket and create a lot of paperwork for finances and bills.

You can call yourself a nickname.....in honor of your grandmother. Why spend money on a name? It's your name....you can just start signing your initials LL.....on credit cards, medical initials and forms, checks, etc......you don't need to pay someone money to change your name....keep your money......and keep your legal name for legal documents only, and use your nickname for everyday personal things else like personal matters, friendships, etc. If someone asks why the nickname? Say I'm honoring my grandmother and I like her name so much I'm keeping it...it reminds me of her (insert answer here)..... I'm taking it as a nickname so call me Luna-Lily....it really rolls off the tongue....kinda cute and mysterious sounding wrapped into one. With that said, if you want to change your name and think it will be healing...go ahead and do it and forget what other's think. It's your name, your choice, your life.....and you owe noone an explanation about your name.
Luckily there aren’t any major fees here in the UK. I can easily change it by deedpoll and send the documents to my bank, passport etc so I’m not too worried about that.

Hi, and welcome. So sorry to hear that you have gone through all this. Yes, changing your name might help; it's worth a try. Luna Lilly rolls off the tongue nicely and sounds nice too. I hope it all works out for you.
Thank you so much for your kind reply 💖
 
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