Sufferer I’m deteriorating - cptsd, rape and attempted murder

I don't even know where to start. I fel like I'm going insane. My cptsd comes from being raped and almost murdered. It happened 4 years ago. People tell me I need to get over it. I'm becoming worse, I'm so angry and it's ruining my life. I can't even handle the smallest stresses. I freak out and push people away. I find myself talking to myself out loud in front of strangers, I feel like people are after me. I've faked my death so many times I've lost count. I wish I knew sign language so I wouldn't have to speak. I'm constantly terrified I'm bothering people by existing. I don't want to kill myself I'm not suicidal I'm just emotionally f*cked. I have no friends, I deleted a picture I made on the art app I used to use that got 5.6 million views because I was terrified of being famous. I can't stop thinking. I can't even bring myself to make appointments to help myself. I refuse to make social media accounts because I believe without a doubt that EVERYONE hates me. And when I login to fake accounts and look my old self up and see the horrible comments people make on my old profiles it just makes everything worse. People tell me not to care but I can't help it. 😕 I don't trust therapists, I'm convinced they won't help me or give me anxiety meds because they'll think I'm a drug addict. I'm seriously at a loss.
 
First of all, welcome. I think a lot of us here can relate to what you're going through.

Second of all:
People tell me I need to get over it.
Those people can eat shit. What happened to you wasn't your fault. At all. What's happening to you now isn't your fault, either. You CAN get better, but it takes a lot of hard work, and the people who telling you to just somehow magically get better have absolutely zero understanding of what you're going through.
 

Friday

Moderator
People tell me not to care but I can't help it.
Try considering being told not to care about people trolling/griefing online as a reality check. The whole “If I weren’t in a f*cked up headspace, right now, I wouldn’t care about this nonsense. Because it’s not worth caring about. That I do care is an indication of where my head is at, not the actual value/right-or-wrongness/import of what’s being said. I don’t care because they’re right, or because they’re important people that I trust and value their judgment and opinion, even if I disagree with it. I only care because my life is sideways, right now.”

It’s like jumping at shadows. The shadows? Aren’t actually dangerous. But by the time we parse that? We’ve already jumped. It unf*cks things faster to do a quick “Whew! Okay. Just a shadow. Nothing to be afraid of. Nothing to go to battle stations for. Nothing to be angry about. Nothing to slide to the sidewalk in a boneless pile and sob over like a heartbroken child. Just a shadow.” than to come up with reasons to justify why the shadow was actually dangerous, and jumping was right thing to do. The more one practices assessing the situation correctly? The faster the response we want to happen starts taking over. Meanwhile, the more we justify the situation in various ways (it could have been a rabid dog! But what if it was a car!?! It COULD HAVE BEEN a man about to attack me!) The more shadows we jump at, and the less in control we are of ourselves / the less we can rely on our instincts to protect us.

Instincts -like jumping out of the way of danger- are a lot like a kid with a stick. Given enough practice? They’re hitting home runs, and winning hockey games, playing drum solos, shooting bullseyes with a bow, catching fish, drawing maps and masterpieces, etc. And we don’t reach for the hockey stick when we want to go fishing, or the drum sticks to play baseball. But given no direction, no “Oy! That’s not how we....” what you’ve got is a spoiled brat running around screaming and hitting other kids, dogs, adults, cars ...with a stick. >.< Even though the instincts all started out in the same place

😍 I HAVE A STICK!!! I WILL HIT THINGS WITH IT!!! 😍

One set of instincts were trained and practiced in useful ways, and one set wasn’t. Even though both are being used to hit things, make noise, make marks, wave about, etc.

PTSD means a whole helluva lot of instincts have to be retrained. Sat on timeout. Given a lot of time, attention, patience, direction. Reality checks can be a super useful tool in recognising which instincts need some TLC.

***
Welcome to the community!
 
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ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @deterioratingrose , welcome to the site.

It really sounds like you’d benefit of a supportive therapist that understands trauma. Anxiety pills aren’t something only designed to drug addicts. I don’t think they’re marvelous, but personally I wouldn’t have been able to cope without it. Drugs are drugs, and measuring their efficiency is contextual to the person having a prescription. Why would your doctor think you’re a drug addict?

Hoping that you find inspiration and support around here!
 
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