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Sufferer I’m scared

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All alone

New Here
Hi, I’ve never done this before but I’m really struggling with my ptsd and I don’t want to talk to anyone I know or anyone face to face, I’m done trying to pretend that I’m fighting and that I’m going get through this! I’m sick of always trying to be optimistic so others can feel better or try and help others to just ease my guilt for been so low and brining people down with me.
I’m a veteran and I’ve now been out officially for 2 years, I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD or CPTSD one or the other I can’t really remember when I had my diagnosis because I was so out of it with different medications etc. 2 years ago I tried to take my life and was unsuccessful and I hate that it didn’t work. The only thing that preventing me from doing it again because of the guilt of what it would do my family.

To the outside world I’ve got a perfect life. A job I’m good at and pays me well and I really enjoy it because it distracts me, a nice comfortable home, beautiful and amazing child and a very supportive loving husband and the rest of my family. But it just doesn’t feel right, I know what I’m supposed to feel for them but I can’t connect those with me I just feel disconnected and I don’t want to keep having the nightmares, waking up drenched in sweat and my anxiety so high, if I’m not fighting to trying to get myself to sleep, I’m fighting my anxiety attacks and try to get myself thinking straight and if it not the anxiety it the depression. I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting this.

I don’t know what point of this post but I just need to let it out before I drive myself crazy.
 
Hi @All alone welcome to the forum and sorry that you feeling so bad is what brings you here... you aren't alone here and there are lots of people who will be able to relate... regardless of the reason for their ptsd, lots of people will relate to this

Hi, I’ve never done this before but I’m really struggling with my ptsd and I don’t want to talk to anyone I know or anyone face to face, I’m done trying to pretend that I’m fighting and that I’m going get through this! I’m sick of always trying to be optimistic so others can feel better or try and help others to just ease my guilt for been so low and brining people down with me.
And this....
To the outside world I’ve got a perfect life. A job I’m good at and pays me well and I really enjoy it because it distracts me, a nice comfortable home, beautiful and amazing child and a very supportive loving husband and the rest of my family. But it just doesn’t feel right, I know what I’m supposed to feel for them but I can’t connect those with me I just feel disconnected and I don’t want to keep having the nightmares, waking up drenched in sweat and my anxiety so high, if I’m not fighting to trying to get myself to sleep, I’m fighting my anxiety attacks and try to get myself thinking straight and if it not the anxiety it the depression. I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting this.
I think getting to the point you are is so difficult but it can be the first point (or anther point) at which you realise your modus operandum just isn't working for you and something needs to change. But the what and how is so very scary and overwhelming- and again you won't be alone in this...

Use the forum to help you work out stuff for yourself with people experiencing similar to you.... and ... have you seen the information on here about PTSD - you may already know about it but lots of people find it so helpful regardless of their stage of rebuilding their lives...have you got a therapist? Or access to one? Someone you can speak with in real life about where you're at? If you haven't I think this could be a really great step to you getting some support to help you navigate a different route through the PTSD nightmare..
There is help out there...

Go gently 😊
 
Hi, I’ve never done this before but I’m really struggling with my ptsd and I don’t want to talk to anyone I know or anyone face to face, I’m done trying to pretend that I’m fighting and that I’m going get through this! I’m sick of always trying to be optimistic so others can feel better or try and help others to just ease my guilt for been so low and brining people down with me.
I’m a veteran and I’ve now been out officially for 2 years, I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD or CPTSD one or the other I can’t really remember when I had my diagnosis because I was so out of it with different medications etc. 2 years ago I tried to take my life and was unsuccessful and I hate that it didn’t work. The only thing that preventing me from doing it again because of the guilt of what it would do my family.

To the outside world I’ve got a perfect life. A job I’m good at and pays me well and I really enjoy it because it distracts me, a nice comfortable home, beautiful and amazing child and a very supportive loving husband and the rest of my family. But it just doesn’t feel right, I know what I’m supposed to feel for them but I can’t connect those with me I just feel disconnected and I don’t want to keep having the nightmares, waking up drenched in sweat and my anxiety so high, if I’m not fighting to trying to get myself to sleep, I’m fighting my anxiety attacks and try to get myself thinking straight and if it not the anxiety it the depression. I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting this.

I don’t know what point of this post but I just need to let it out before I drive myself crazy.
This is a really good start. the moment you bling your issues into"public" it becomes smaller, and you are not alone!
 
But it just doesn’t feel right, I know what I’m supposed to feel for them but I can’t connect those with me I just feel disconnected
We all felt like that along the road. Whats good about here? We all get it.... We have all been or are there....

What I get from here? Peer support. Help with the everyday. Learning to live with PTSD. A virtual social life, feeling connected with people who "get me".

I have learned a ton about living with PTSD here that makes my life better and easier. Hope you can find the same.....
 
Welcome to the forum, @All alone - I'm glad you took the step to join the site and post. Sometimes just knowing that you're not alone in these feelings can help - not make it all better, but relieve just a little bit of the pressure.

To the outside world I’ve got a perfect life. A job I’m good at and pays me well and I really enjoy it because it distracts me, a nice comfortable home, beautiful and amazing child and a very supportive loving husband and the rest of my family. But it just doesn’t feel right, I know what I’m supposed to feel for them but I can’t connect those with me I just feel disconnected and I don’t want to keep having the nightmares, waking up drenched in sweat and my anxiety so high, if I’m not fighting to trying to get myself to sleep, I’m fighting my anxiety attacks and try to get myself thinking straight and if it not the anxiety it the depression. I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting this.
I understand that you don't want to talk with someone face-to-face about this stuff right now - and that's OK. Something the site can help you with is connecting with others who are struggling, and learning more about what these symptoms are and how you can start to manage them more proactively.

This article is a really good place to start --> PTSD Stress Cup.

It's a great framework for understanding how the disorder affects us day to day and moment to moment.

If you need help using the forum, or have questions about posting, don't hesitate to reach out at Contact Us.

Again, welcome.
 
Hi -- fellow veteran here, though I'm from way back in the dark ages LOL
To the outside world I’ve got a perfect life. A job I’m good at and pays me well and I really enjoy it because it distracts me, a nice comfortable home, beautiful and amazing child and a very supportive loving husband and the rest of my family. But it just doesn’t feel right,
Yep - it's the great masking ability many of us around here have - it all looks just dandy on the outside because it's how we hide whats going on inside.

I just feel disconnected and I don’t want to keep having the nightmares, waking up drenched in sweat and my anxiety so high, if I’m not fighting to trying to get myself to sleep, I’m fighting my anxiety attacks and try to get myself thinking straight and if it not the anxiety it the depression. I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting this.
Yep. The joys of ptsd.
This place has been amazing for me, because I don't have to explain things - people here just get it.

As for the therapy thing -- if you find a good ptsd therapist they aren't going to be undone by what you have to say. They have heard it all, so that can make it a bit less traumatic. Honestly though it took me months before I stopped feeling like I was going to throw up in the waiting room.

My t focused first on just getting me thru the day, coping techniques for not sleeping, anxiety, blah blah. Once that was in play we moved on to what caused my ptsd - so it gave me a chance to get on top of my current life before we moved into my past life. It also gave me a chance to decide if I liked and/or trusted her before I had to start talking about crap I didnt want anyone to know. So that made it easier. Not easy. Easier.
 
I often feel disconnected with everything. There is a heaviness in my heart and there is just constant dread. I too have the pefect life. I should be grateful. Being grateful is a feeling that I just don't have. Sometimes, I feel like I am in a prison cell and I just want to be free. PTSD, anxiety, depression and a host of other mental issues causes the mind to want to solve them. It is difficult to let go of what is disturbing us. When these bouts occur, notice them only and focus on your breathing. Remove yourself and go to another space. No matter what, don't engage with these feelings and thoughts. Do not rationalize and ask why this is happening. Do not ruminate. For some illogical reason, your mind wants to keep these problems alive. Doing these things energizes the problem causing it to persist. These mental disorders want to try to take you over. They are like a bully. You can never reason with a bully.

All I can do is manage these issues by doing the following.
Keep a journal - Write in it every hour if you have to. Record what is going on in your mind when these bouts occur. This will provide you with some distance and it will help stop the looping thoughts in your head. Write down the date and time for each entry. After a week or two, see if you can identify when you are feeling your worse. It may be morning, afternoon or late in the evening. Journaling is very therapeutic. My severe depression is worse first thing in the morning so this is what I do:

Immediately get out of bed.
Take shower, dress and make the bed.
Have a cup of coffee, toast and orange juice.
Write in my journal how I slept.
In my journal, I write a list of things I want to accomplish for the day.
I go for a hard two mile run. (the brain releases feel good chemicals with rigorous exercise)
Mediate by focusing on my breathing. When the thoughts wander, I do not engage with them. I gently refocus on my breathing.
I then get up out of my chair and then stay busy.
As I accomplish each goal, I check it off my list.
Early in the evening, I run another rigorous two miles.
At the end of the night, I will journal again and write about any positive experiences.

I do this every single day of my life. This structured plan gives me some relief from the depression. As a result, the depression doesn't control me. If I let the depression control me, I would never get up out of bed.

The more we perseverate on our mental disorders the stronger they become. If you obsess with the thoughts and feelings, they could then turn in to intrusive thoughts and feelings.

Every time I start feeling miserable, I go to a quiet place, recenter and mediate for a few minutes. Many days I have to do this every hour.
It helps me to rebalance things and gain a little bit of peace.

Suicide is not the answer as we do not know what awaits us on the other side. Things could be worse! Furthermore, your family members would be devastated. They would never recover. You are a decent and wonderful person and you will get through this. There are millions of people suffering like you and I.

The following things will also help you:
Talking with a trusted friend or counselor
Therapy
Support group
Be with people as much as you can
Medicine
Staying busy

I would love to have joy and peace all the time. If I wait for the right feelings to motivate me, I will be waiting for a very long time. Therefore, I choose to live each day guided by my values and my principles and I make decisions based upon my moral compass. I choose not to let the depression guide me. I compare this depression to a handicapped person. He/she has to manage the handicap every single day and that is what I have to do.

Don't bother reflecting on your past as this can further your anxiety and depression. Live one day at a time, keep things in perspective because you will get through this!
 
hello all alone. welcome to the forum from another female vet. i carried my ptsd into the army with me, but being a vet with a non-traditional career adds an extra dimension to the ptsd experience. my shrinks called that extra dimension, "the imposter syndrome." does my gender allow me to be a vet and construction boss? does being a vet and construction boss allow me to be a good mommy and wife? where, exactly, do i belong?

don't accuse me of experting, but for sure the dichotomies mess with the head.

dunno if that applies to your case, or not. i mostly wanted to welcome you aboard.
 
I know what I’m supposed to feel for them but I can’t connect those with me I just feel disconnected
It took me YEARS of ending to nuking relationships… before I learned that sometimes my emotions just shut the hell off, or I’ve shifted gears into cold/hard, or I’m so effing busy (firestorm of other emotions in my head/heart) that there is simply no room for anything else… and that’s a temporary thing. That KNOWING what I am (not) feeling, means I’ll actually feel those things again, given the space to. Instead of making decisions for other people, or acting as if right now is forever.

In my own life? The ceilings for my feelings being shut off, blunted, or busy… are pretty predictably at 6 weeks to 6 months. You reeeeeallly don’t wanna know how many “lives” I’ve walked away from (relationships, jobs, homes, the whole 9) only to have my head/heart clear in a few weeks to few months. And then there’s nothing left to go back to.
Which doesn’t mean that if I stay there won’t be years of ebb & flow, emotions on & off. What it does mean is that I can treat people like my emotions are on, when they aren’t; and not freak out my own self, because they’ll be back again soon.
PTSD is cyclic as hell, and wicked responsive to stress, so it BECOMES very easy to start identifying patterns & taking appropriate action. But the first bit, that learning curve, is always the hardest.
Most of our patterns with PTSD are highly individual… but… One of the easiest/BEST patterns to recognize & start using is freaking universal/foundational with PTSD, and that’s the Stress Response. Start playing with it. Seriously.

Welcome aboard!
 
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