I’m seriously considering it… finally

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
I’ve had suicidal ideation for the last few years now on a pretty constant basis and I’ve had it my whole life (since about 5/6 years old).

Here’s my big fear: my father sexually assaulted me as a child. He’s dead now, I never got to confront him when he was alive for various reasons. I don’t know if I believe I’m a afterlife but if there is one, I DON’T want to see him.

I’m not looking for anyone to save me here… just advice about “him”.

Thanks & I hope you’re all doing WAY better than me
 
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Sideways

Moderator
I never got to confront him when he was alive for various reasons.
I'm not a believer in confrontations, personally, because it gives our abuser (who usually isn't sorry) a chance to abuse us again, and set our recovery back.

One of the (very popular) therapy activities that I've done a number of times though? Is the 'write a letter to your abuser' activity.

It's not a letter that you actually send. It's a letter that you write letting out everything you need to get out. It can be very confronting, but also very helpful at shifting some of the emotional pain that is sitting there.

I've re-done my letter to my primary abuser several times, because what I needed to say to him changed over the course of my recovery.

I don’t know if I believe I’m a afterlife but if there is one, I DON’T want to see him.
Are you a religious person? If so, is there a religious peer (like a pastor, etc) that you could speak to about this? This doesn't need to be a fear that you deal with alone, and depending on your religion, there may be some very clear and reassuring answers to your question.
 

Friday

Moderator
Here’s my big fear: my father sexually assaulted me as a child. He’s dead now, I never got to confront him when he was alive for various reasons. I don’t know if I believe I’m a afterlife but if there is one, I DON’T want to see him
S’Welp… that’s one of those things you don’t get a lot of say in.

Either there is an afterlife, or there isn’t.
Either you’ll be forced to spend eternity with him, or you won’t.
(Either because there isn’t an afterlife, or you get a choice in who you see in the afterlife).

What I think is far more keen? The fear, itself.

Join your rapist in death.
Surpass him in life.

The second one sounds a helluva lot better… whether you’re physically joining him to spend the next several million years with him, or not? Spend the next 50 or so having the best time you possibly can, without him.

Doesn’t mean the next 50 years will be all peaches and cream. But the one thing you absolutely know about THIS life? He’s not here. Might as well make the most of it. Rather than joining him in death.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Oddly @Smile , it occurred to me not long ago I have the exact and easy, 'perfect' means at my disposable. But you know what? That's why it has to be simply a commitment to not acknowledge it as an option. I could think problem solved, or I could think what I would for anyone else: tragic ending, maybe preventable, for a person in too much pain, there could have been another way.

The only question I would have is, do you really think you'd feel this way without the abuse? And if the answer is you wouldn't likely feel this badly, know that it is a consequence of the trauma, and much as Friday said, don't let it impact you or the people who care about you, or will care about you, more than it already has. Time to get safe, healthy, and get some peace and joy in your life, maybe for the 1st time ever. Start filling your life with kindnesses towards yourself. I don't think we are usually used to thinking of ourselves as having a future, or being deserving. Or much else positive for ourselves. Broken or irreparably damaged is more common, often.

That's part of why the Forum is so helpful, it's people helping people get through what you wouldn't have wished anyone would need to get through in the 1st place. 😔😢

Hugs to you. 🤗🤗🤗🤗 (I don't have that cute 2-person-blue-hug, these look too 'smiley', but they're meant for and about you nonetheless. 🤗🤗🤗🤗 xox)

I hope you can invest the energy in ways to reduce the pain and not harm yourself. As we need you here, too. 🤗🤗
 
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Smile

MyPTSD Pro
I apologize for not being clear in my original post. I didn’t mean to post the part that I’m actively pursuing suicide. My question (& fear) is having to see him again. I just didnt know how to write it without adding that part.
My sincere apologies. I hope I didn’t trigger anyone 😢
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
When you aren't strong enough, is when you reach out for help and live moment to moment. And the fact is, some part of you is strong enough. That's why you are posting here. You're still fighting to get through this.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
I apologize for not being clear in my original post. I didn’t mean to post the part that I’m actively pursuing suicide...My sincere apologies. I hope I didn’t trigger anyone 😢
No apology needed, @Smile. It's alright to discuss suicidal thoughts - and I appreciate you acknowledging that you did not intend to post an active suicidal plan.

On your topic...

I notice with myself, that I can sometimes stumble upon the most unexpected reasons I don't actually want to die. And that's what I hear in your post - not that you aren't strong enough to face up to your abuser in the afterlife, but that you don't want to join him in the afterlife. To me? That means you aren't ready to die.

It also means that you're in a lot of pain emotionally, and it can get so bad that death can start to seem like the only way to finally get some relief, get some peace.

I want to remind you what I tell myself, often multiple times a day - suicide doesn't give you relief. There's no relief in death, because you're not going to be there on the other side of it to experience any relief. Death isn't relief, it's stopping. Stopping your chance to feel real relief, even if it's intermittent. Stopping your chance at living your life the way you'd like to live it. Suicide takes away all the options. It's not the way to ease your pain.

So, I say - good for you, for being afraid of it. I'm afraid of death. And acknowledging that also helps me, when things become so hard that I'm not sure how to take a single step forward. I'd rather choose to give myself permission to stop - stop pushing on my own pain, yes - but keep on breathing, keep my heart beating. Stay alive to fight another day.

And the fact is, some part of you is strong enough. That's why you are posting here. You're still fighting to get through this.
^^^ exactly right. It might not feel true, @Smile - but I promise you, it is true.
 
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