I almost lost my fiancée two weeks ago


New Here
I wasn’t sure exactly where to put this. You know, how when you lose someone you love or nearly lose someone you love.................there are times when it does hit you right away and there are times when it doesn’t. It’s just hit me that I almost lost her. It hit me last night.

Two weeks ago I called an ambulance for her. She had internal bleeding. She was throwing up blood. I knew it was serious. Before I called an ambulance for her she reminded me of a fellow marine who almost bled out. She was pale. Slurring her words. Making almost no sense In her sentences. I could see the eye sockets forming. Her eyes were barely open. Breathing heavy. When she did make sense all she could say was how fine she was. “You’re not fine, my love! You’re bleeding out! I’m calling 911. They will help you.”

Sure enough. Her blood pressure was low. She argued with the paramedics. They wanted to take her to the ER. She kept saying she was fine. Then she threw up more blood right in front of them. “YOU NEED TO GO!,” they said. “YOU NEED TO GO TO THE ER RIGHT NOW!!!”

“O.........” throws up again and nods her head. She lays back down. Complains about stomach pain and back pain.

“I’ll give you a massage baby,” I say, “until they come back with the gurney.”

They come back all gowned and masked up. I step aside. You have to let the medics do their job. They ask her to walk to the gurney. She got up, took two steps, and then collapsed. The medic grabbed her, picked her up and got her out of the bedroom and onto the gurney. She couldn’t even walk anymore.

“They got you baby. They do this all the time. They are going to get you better. I love you!,” I say. There was no response.

They got her to the ER. I followed in my car. I knew it was bad when no doctor came out within an hour. I didn’t get an update for at least nine hours. I think I was numb. I tend to do that when there is work to do.

She fought through it. They have released her from the hospital. I found out yesterday just how severe it was. She had a follow up with her primary care. Her doctor said The ER gave her a 40% mortality rate for the next 48 hours upon arrival. She was that close to dying.

Now, that it has dawned on me. My limbs have weakened. My breathing is shallow. My attention span is not that good. I keep seeing blood dripping from that bath towel. It’s what we used on our fellow marine who was bleeding out. You could ring his blood out of it. I keep hearing screams. Children crying. I keep smelling the gun powder, the smoke, the dust. When I look out of a window I keep judging the distance. That’s clear line of sight and 300 yards out. They won’t come from there.

I snap out of it. Tears flow down my face. She still has more healing to do. About three more months worth. I need to be there for her. But daggum I am a mess.

I got to get grounded. I got to cope. It’s just another day. Another real bad day of coping with this crap. It’s hard for me to cope because I’m blaming myself. I should have called them sooner. I should have done other things differently. Then I’m thinking she is alive. Thank God. I know what I have to do to help her healing process continue. I will do my best.

Thank you all for permitting me to share this. God bless.


Welcome aboard, devildog.

Same thing happened to me when my kid got sick. Hospital sick. Not expected to make it, sick. Kicked right back up into gettin shit done, mode... and then once it was all over? f*ck. Me. TheKiddo was fine, but I wasn’t. Just kept suckin it up, sucking it up, but sooner or later? Without some way to vent that shit? Very predicitible results. Tick. Tick. Boom.

Took me about a year of shit going more and more sideways (life stuff, like a divorce, didn’t help) before I’d admit “this” was coming back, and looked for a therapist, another full year before I would take my happy ass over to the Vet Center. If I’d gotten on top of shit sooner? Instead of trying to shove it all back in the box? <low whistle> Well, I’m not known for being smart!!! But at least I’m stubborn. ;)