Sufferer I always feel so awkward introducing myself but here goes nothing...

[MxEnby]

Hi folx!

I am 25 years old and I am still pretty early on my journey towards recognizing that I experienced trauma during my childhood and accepting that it has and still is impacting my life in a significant way. I have a lot of difficulty applying the label of trauma to myself and I am learning that I have quite a lot of cognitive distortions which increase the difficulty.
I have periodically suspected I might have a form of PTSD for several years but only recently did my psychologist say to me that I do have C-PTSD. One of the key difficulties I have in accepting this or even considering joining a community like this with other people who understand is because I lack what I think of as the 'needed' memories. Most of my childhood is completely blank and for almost a decade I have had this innate sense that something happened when I was a child but I have never had the visuals/images/proof, even to myself, to feel okay with discussing it because my mind said that even outspeaking a sense without evidence meant that I was trivializing, minimizing and not respecting or recognizing/invalidating the seriousness/validity/experiences of individuals who truly experienced traumatic events. But I am trying to challenge the cognitive distortions which cause these thoughts and fears.
I don't know how specific it is okay to get here when discussing the area(s) that it occurred in so I will err on the side of caution and not name them yet until I get a better sense of what is safe/ok or not to do here.
I am not exactly sure what I am looking for by joining this forum/posting this but I guess I just want to be around others who understand and hopefully won't judge me as harshly as I do myself for my memory being so blank yet still struggling so much.

Thanks for reading!

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the community!

I don't know how specific it is okay to get here when discussing the area(s) that it occurred in so I will err on the side of caution and not name them yet until I get a better sense of what is safe/ok or not to do here.

Our community constitution answers that in one of my fave ways possible bolded below

Community Constitution

Individual Responsibility​

All members are expected to manage their own emotional and psychological regulation.
…
MyPTSD does not use trigger warnings. Mind reading what could be a trigger for another is a negative thinking style, a problem all PTSD sufferers need to correct at some level. Whilst some view its use as a courtesy, it is impossible to know what will, or will not, trigger another person, regardless the graphic detail contained. After all, this is a space where those affected can discuss trauma and its consequences.

Again, welcome

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Aprilshowers]

The majority of my childhood is repressed. I grew up thinking everyone's mind functioned like mine did. I was aware my home was...not "normal." The important "stuff" always stayed in my head, but most of the nonessentials just evaporated. It wasn't until I went away to college and we all sat around in the dorm late at night getting acquainted and sharing stories about our families and childhoods that I was hit with the realization that my brain was not normal. I didn't have the same data base of memories everyone else did. It wasn't until decades later that the flashbacks started and eventually an ugly breakdown revealed more of what the repression had kept hidden. I was diagnosed with, among other things, "PTSD on top of PTSD." Much of my past is still repressed and I hope it stays that way. Your repression exists for a reason. I exhibited the symptoms of PTSD for many years without realizing it. Trust yourself.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome to the forum! You have come to a special place indeed!

I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here and hope you will find the same support here that I and others have found.

 

[PlainJane]

Welcome @MxEnby :)

 

[MxEnby]

Thank you for the welcomes!

I grew up thinking everyone's mind functioned like mine did. I was aware my home was...not "normal."

I really relate to this @Aprilshowers! My home/life was not the same as my peers but to me, it was normal because it was all that I knew. I used to be fascinated when people would tell funny stories or discuss memories because I didn't really have any so I felt like an alien because my brain didn't work like theirs.

Also thanks @Friday for the clarification!
I can't really say it IRL to anyone yet so maybe typing them would be a good start!
I have had 3 primary events which would be considered traumatic: childhood parental bereavement, my mum and I found my dad dead in bed when I was 9yrs old; csa/molestation, pre-age 8 (not sure when it started/ended as I only remember fragments so not too sure what to call it); and, online predatory grooming around age 12. My dad's death my clinicians know about but I am only beginning to feel trust my psychologist enough to tell her about the others.

 

[Cancelled]

The majority of my childhood is repressed. I grew up thinking everyone's mind functioned like mine did. I was aware my home was...not "normal." The important "stuff" always stayed in my head, but most of the nonessentials just evaporated. It wasn't until I went away to college and we all sat around in the dorm late at night getting acquainted and sharing stories about our families and childhoods that I was hit with the realization that my brain was not normal. I didn't have the same data base of memories everyone else did. It wasn't until decades later that the flashbacks started and eventually an ugly breakdown revealed more of what the repression had kept hidden. I was diagnosed with, among other things, "PTSD on top of PTSD." Much of my past is still repressed and I hope it stays that way. Your repression exists for a reason. I exhibited the symptoms of PTSD for many years without realizing it. Trust yourself.

To give you peace of mind about this diagnosis read the tab that says articles. It will be helpful in validating you as well as give you much information and equip you to begin your journey of understanding. There is so much help and encouragement on this forum. The memories will or will not come in time. Don’t put pressure on yourself. Just learn as much as you can and this is a safe place to do that.