I am confused, what should I do? (Sorry it's long)

Hello,
I am new here, I don't usually join groups (online or offline) so this is quite new for me, hopefully this might help. I have been suffering from C-PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder, severe OCD and mild schizophrenia for little over 4 years. I just wanted to share my story here so that I could feel something, anything........ Sorry, this might be long.

I am from India, I am a victim of severe physical abuse (like hitting in the head with a steel rod, chairs, cricket bats, etc) from both my parents for nearly 20 years (I am 26 now). I cleared the second most difficult examination in the world in 2016 and got into the best college in the country, since I was away from home physical abuse turned into emotional and mental abuse, constant toxic remarks as my father didn't want to pay my college fees (as he never cared about my family including my mother and younger brother, my mother being a victim of physical abuse herself by the hands of my father used to take out her anger and frustration on me). I cannot make decisions since all my life I have been controlled by my father so I had to chose an engineering major that I never wanted and was exceptionally weak at, just because he wanted me to do that and as always I couldn't say anything.

Fast forward today, I went from one of the best students in the country to an unemployed 26 year old sitting at home suffering from C-PTSD and others mentioned above. I wanted to be a physicist, and being an asian I thought it was perfect that I wanted to make a career in academia but my father refused to pay my fees and asked me to get a job, but I couldn't pass my engineering courses due to constant abuse and lack of interest. I did 3 year worth of work in 6.5 years, dropping out multiple times due to being suicidal but my parents forced me again and again to complete my degree every time something like this happened, still to this day they nag me saying why did I ever tell them I had depression now their reputation is ruined in society (since India is not that open in dealing with mental health issues and accepting them). According to them I should have bottled in everything and just study anyway to get a degree and high paying job and pay back my father the fees with interest.
I had a few sessions with psychiatrist and few physical checkups as well --> my brain barely releases Dopamine, cortisol and serotonin on it's own, so I need external things like sports, meditation, reading, etc. And when my psychiatrist talked to my father on how to deal with my depression and talked about the impact of physical abuse during childhood and teenage years, my father stopped taking me to these sessions and I have never met another doctor or counsellor every since. My father said to me 2 days ago --> "I (he) haven't done anything wrong in my entire life, you are the one at fault, you make excuses of health issues to not study" and my mother said to me "You were born a rakshas (a demon), you have always been a demon and still are".
I am tired now I have no friends, no one to talk to, family just in name, I am constantly in 2 zones --> 1. constantly blaming others and hating everyone 2. constantly blaming myself and trying to hurt myself.

I have given myself till the end of 2024 to improve myself otherwise I don't think I am ever going to do anything so I might probably commit s******. Hence I am here trying my best but I feel numb, no motivation, no happiness, no pain just pure frustration. I wanted to do so much in life and despite abuse was incredibly enthusiastic towards multiple fields --> especially literature, mathematics, physics and biology and pretty good at sports as well now even when I try my best I cannot read more than a page of my favourite book, I barely can move my pen to solve mathematical problems and feel like my aptitude towards academia has just disappeared, I enjoy nothing except watering plants (and my father recently cut a guava tree I planted as a child 20 years ago and it bore a lot of guavas every year). I have no idea what to do or can I even do anything at this point, I just hope every night I go to sleep and pass away of a heart attack or in some painless way.
 
In the western world, we separate from family in order to heal. I have no idea if you could do so. There are many great online videos that help with trauma. But I do know that as long as you are in the trauma the healing is slow and sometimes doesn’t move forward at all. That doesn’t sound great but it’s pretty accurate. That being said, start with some private alone time where you find sites that help. Maybe cultural abuse, or abusive systems in your culture. It is typical that you have heard from your parents that they’ve done nothing wrong, because literally this is the way in some families. If there are any free places to go that help people in your situation search them up And find ways to start attending. Don’t worry too much about academics right now as your brain and body have said no. There is a book called just that When The Body Says No. small steps. Try hope for one day at a time rather then pressuring yourself to be a certain way in a certain period of time. Journal or think, what is this better me going to look like? Mentally it would be to be stronger, wiser, kinder towards yourself and the generation moving forward and away from these beliefs of how to treat the offspring. You would not be the first to find freedom, so that is what you are looking for in your area, is people who have come away from these family upbringings similiar to yours. Your not alone. Perhaps even someone on here can attest to their journey of recovery. Recovery is long though, give yourself more than a mere few months to shake off a lifetime of trauma.
 
Hello,
I am new here, I don't usually join groups (online or offline) so this is quite new for me, hopefully this might help. I have been suffering from C-PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder, severe OCD and mild schizophrenia for little over 4 years. I just wanted to share my story here so that I could feel something, anything........ Sorry, this might be long.

I am from India, I am a victim of severe physical abuse (like hitting in the head with a steel rod, chairs, cricket bats, etc) from both my parents for nearly 20 years (I am 26 now). I cleared the second most difficult examination in the world in 2016 and got into the best college in the country, since I was away from home physical abuse turned into emotional and mental abuse, constant toxic remarks as my father didn't want to pay my college fees (as he never cared about my family including my mother and younger brother, my mother being a victim of physical abuse herself by the hands of my father used to take out her anger and frustration on me). I cannot make decisions since all my life I have been controlled by my father so I had to chose an engineering major that I never wanted and was exceptionally weak at, just because he wanted me to do that and as always I couldn't say anything.

Fast forward today, I went from one of the best students in the country to an unemployed 26 year old sitting at home suffering from C-PTSD and others mentioned above. I wanted to be a physicist, and being an asian I thought it was perfect that I wanted to make a career in academia but my father refused to pay my fees and asked me to get a job, but I couldn't pass my engineering courses due to constant abuse and lack of interest. I did 3 year worth of work in 6.5 years, dropping out multiple times due to being suicidal but my parents forced me again and again to complete my degree every time something like this happened, still to this day they nag me saying why did I ever tell them I had depression now their reputation is ruined in society (since India is not that open in dealing with mental health issues and accepting them). According to them I should have bottled in everything and just study anyway to get a degree and high paying job and pay back my father the fees with interest.
I had a few sessions with psychiatrist and few physical checkups as well --> my brain barely releases Dopamine, cortisol and serotonin on it's own, so I need external things like sports, meditation, reading, etc. And when my psychiatrist talked to my father on how to deal with my depression and talked about the impact of physical abuse during childhood and teenage years, my father stopped taking me to these sessions and I have never met another doctor or counsellor every since. My father said to me 2 days ago --> "I (he) haven't done anything wrong in my entire life, you are the one at fault, you make excuses of health issues to not study" and my mother said to me "You were born a rakshas (a demon), you have always been a demon and still are".
I am tired now I have no friends, no one to talk to, family just in name, I am constantly in 2 zones --> 1. constantly blaming others and hating everyone 2. constantly blaming myself and trying to hurt myself.

I have given myself till the end of 2024 to improve myself otherwise I don't think I am ever going to do anything so I might probably commit s******. Hence I am here trying my best but I feel numb, no motivation, no happiness, no pain just pure frustration. I wanted to do so much in life and despite abuse was incredibly enthusiastic towards multiple fields --> especially literature, mathematics, physics and biology and pretty good at sports as well now even when I try my best I cannot read more than a page of my favourite book, I barely can move my pen to solve mathematical problems and feel like my aptitude towards academia has just disappeared, I enjoy nothing except watering plants (and my father recently cut a guava tree I planted as a child 20 years ago and it bore a lot of guavas every year). I have no idea what to do or can I even do anything at this point, I just hope every night I go to sleep and pass away of a heart attack or in some painless way.
This sounds like a very difficult and painful situation. It doesn't sound like you are financially independent, so perhaps moving out is not a current option for you. Is there a way you could get a job so you can move somewhere that you are safe? I understand that you want a high paying job. Perhaps you can keep that as a long term goal while you take a job within your current mental health capabilities.

Depression can make you no longer enjoy things you used to enjoy. That does not mean you will never enjoy them again.

I have had to put my dreams on hold in order to take care of my mental health. I found myself giving up on doing anything because I was still holding onto my dreams. I didn't want to give them up, but my mental health did not allow me to do the things that I wanted to do. I know that I will temporarily have to do different things than I originally wanted, but I cannot achieve my goals if I do not do this and I will remain stuck forever. I don't know if you personally need to do that or if there is a way for you to still achieve your goals, but I put that in in case you do.

Are there any free community colleges in India? Would that be an option for you to study what you want without relying on your father for financial support? Is there a job you can currently get until you can pay to study what you really want and maybe move to somewhere you feel safer?

I am a survivor of abuse and I struggle with anxiety, severe depression and ptsd. I try to do little things that still make me happy and get outside when I can. Even when I cannot interact with anyone because of my anxiety, seeing other people makes me feel less alone. Sunshine, fresh air, and exercise also help me. Running helps me release some of my anger and frustration. Maybe some form of physical fitness can help you. Getting out of the house can also be a break from your home situation.

Maybe you can work somewhere that involves gardening or farming since you like watering plants. Don't take on more than you can handle, but don't do nothing. Doing nothing will keep you depressed.

It is very normal for abusers to deny what they did. What you went through was wrong no matter what they say. You do not deserve to be hurt. It is not your fault that you struggle with mental health and you are definitely not a rakshas. It might make them feel better to blame you instead of taking responsibility for what they did, but you are not to blame. You are a worthy human being who deserves happiness.


I really hope you are successful and find safety, healing and happiness.
 
I have given myself till the end of 2024 to improve myself otherwise I don't think I am ever going to do anything
time has no meaning in the healing process. ~algonquin proverb

i was somewhere in my 30's before i stopped expecting the healing mysteries to conform to my agenda and started trusting them to guide me to where i needed to be, when i needed to be. i just turned 70 and trust those healing mysteries more than ever. the healing is never done. there's always more i can accomplish. life seldom conforms to my expectations and the surprises are kinda fun when i trust there are powers in the universe even smarter and more knowledgeable than i. nothing is good enough for me while i am demanding conformity to my personal agenda.
 
I have given myself till the end of 2024 to improve myself otherwise I don't think I am ever going to do anything so I might probably commit s******.
So the good news about arbitrarily applied future dates is that you’re giving yourself a chance. It’s ideation, rather than intent.

The bad news about arbitrarily applied future dates is that they’re bullshit. What IF by feb 2025 you made AMAZING progress? Well, too bad, you killed yourself in January.

When I was first diagnosed with PTSD the bloke doing so said it would probably take me about 6mo to unf*ck myself. That seemed “too long” to me, so I countered with 2 months. Snort. As if that is a thing. Like I said? Arbitrary. Numbers that “feel” right. When in reality? I’ve experience change in the blink of an eye, and change has taken 5 or 10 veeeeeeery very slow years. BOTH can happen, the instant and the slow.

By putting a clock on it? You’re doing yourself a disservice. It takes as long as it takes. 5 minutes or 5 years. A blink, or a chapter.

Try again, today.

Try again, tomorrow.

Don’t give up. Ever.

Sleep helps. Going back to bed? Starting again, tomorrow? Isn’t giving up. Just like taking 5 minutes, or 4 hours, to calm down isn’t giving up. It’s taking the time to do what needs doing. Even if it’s 3 months of going back to bed, doing nothing, before one day? You wake up and wow. Do something. And the day after? More. Arbitrary clocks? Are like saying in 5 million years. Or 2 months. They aren’t real. Try today. Try again tomorrow. And keep doing THAT. NOW is the only time you actually have. To do anything in. Not the past, that’s gone. Not the future. That hasn’t happened, yet. Try NOW. and keep trying.

You’ve only failed, if you’re dead. Once you’re dead, you can’t fix or change anything. Only living allows the possibility to change… anything.
 
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I want to make sure you know that your parents are absolutely to blame for all of this! Everything that they have done is inexcusable and you deserved none of it. They deserve jail time. Good job staying alive through a horrific childhood.
I hope karma is real and your parents get the consequences they deserve.

I know they have made you very stuck right now, but if you can ever get away from them, I recommend staying away permanently and avoid anyone like them.

I’m also frustrated with the people in your life who knew it was going on and didn’t step in. They were silent bullies.
 
Hello,
I am new here, I don't usually join groups (online or offline) so this is quite new for me, hopefully this might help. I have been suffering from C-PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder, severe OCD and mild schizophrenia for little over 4 years. I just wanted to share my story here so that I could feel something, anything........ Sorry, this might be long.

I am from India, I am a victim of severe physical abuse (like hitting in the head with a steel rod, chairs, cricket bats, etc) from both my parents for nearly 20 years (I am 26 now). I cleared the second most difficult examination in the world in 2016 and got into the best college in the country, since I was away from home physical abuse turned into emotional and mental abuse, constant toxic remarks as my father didn't want to pay my college fees (as he never cared about my family including my mother and younger brother, my mother being a victim of physical abuse herself by the hands of my father used to take out her anger and frustration on me). I cannot make decisions since all my life I have been controlled by my father so I had to chose an engineering major that I never wanted and was exceptionally weak at, just because he wanted me to do that and as always I couldn't say anything.

Fast forward today, I went from one of the best students in the country to an unemployed 26 year old sitting at home suffering from C-PTSD and others mentioned above. I wanted to be a physicist, and being an asian I thought it was perfect that I wanted to make a career in academia but my father refused to pay my fees and asked me to get a job, but I couldn't pass my engineering courses due to constant abuse and lack of interest. I did 3 year worth of work in 6.5 years, dropping out multiple times due to being suicidal but my parents forced me again and again to complete my degree every time something like this happened, still to this day they nag me saying why did I ever tell them I had depression now their reputation is ruined in society (since India is not that open in dealing with mental health issues and accepting them). According to them I should have bottled in everything and just study anyway to get a degree and high paying job and pay back my father the fees with interest.
I had a few sessions with psychiatrist and few physical checkups as well --> my brain barely releases Dopamine, cortisol and serotonin on it's own, so I need external things like sports, meditation, reading, etc. And when my psychiatrist talked to my father on how to deal with my depression and talked about the impact of physical abuse during childhood and teenage years, my father stopped taking me to these sessions and I have never met another doctor or counsellor every since. My father said to me 2 days ago --> "I (he) haven't done anything wrong in my entire life, you are the one at fault, you make excuses of health issues to not study" and my mother said to me "You were born a rakshas (a demon), you have always been a demon and still are".
I am tired now I have no friends, no one to talk to, family just in name, I am constantly in 2 zones --> 1. constantly blaming others and hating everyone 2. constantly blaming myself and trying to hurt myself.

I have given myself till the end of 2024 to improve myself otherwise I don't think I am ever going to do anything so I might probably commit s******. Hence I am here trying my best but I feel numb, no motivation, no happiness, no pain just pure frustration. I wanted to do so much in life and despite abuse was incredibly enthusiastic towards multiple fields --> especially literature, mathematics, physics and biology and pretty good at sports as well now even when I try my best I cannot read more than a page of my favourite book, I barely can move my pen to solve mathematical problems and feel like my aptitude towards academia has just disappeared, I enjoy nothing except watering plants (and my father recently cut a guava tree I planted as a child 20 years ago and it bore a lot of guavas every year). I have no idea what to do or can I even do anything at this point, I just hope every night I go to sleep and pass away of a heart attack or in some painless way.
I hear you bro. Im with you if you would ever want to talk or seek reassurance of any kind
 

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