ozymandias_107
New Here
Hello,
I am new here, I don't usually join groups (online or offline) so this is quite new for me, hopefully this might help. I have been suffering from C-PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder, severe OCD and mild schizophrenia for little over 4 years. I just wanted to share my story here so that I could feel something, anything........ Sorry, this might be long.
I am from India, I am a victim of severe physical abuse (like hitting in the head with a steel rod, chairs, cricket bats, etc) from both my parents for nearly 20 years (I am 26 now). I cleared the second most difficult examination in the world in 2016 and got into the best college in the country, since I was away from home physical abuse turned into emotional and mental abuse, constant toxic remarks as my father didn't want to pay my college fees (as he never cared about my family including my mother and younger brother, my mother being a victim of physical abuse herself by the hands of my father used to take out her anger and frustration on me). I cannot make decisions since all my life I have been controlled by my father so I had to chose an engineering major that I never wanted and was exceptionally weak at, just because he wanted me to do that and as always I couldn't say anything.
Fast forward today, I went from one of the best students in the country to an unemployed 26 year old sitting at home suffering from C-PTSD and others mentioned above. I wanted to be a physicist, and being an asian I thought it was perfect that I wanted to make a career in academia but my father refused to pay my fees and asked me to get a job, but I couldn't pass my engineering courses due to constant abuse and lack of interest. I did 3 year worth of work in 6.5 years, dropping out multiple times due to being suicidal but my parents forced me again and again to complete my degree every time something like this happened, still to this day they nag me saying why did I ever tell them I had depression now their reputation is ruined in society (since India is not that open in dealing with mental health issues and accepting them). According to them I should have bottled in everything and just study anyway to get a degree and high paying job and pay back my father the fees with interest.
I had a few sessions with psychiatrist and few physical checkups as well --> my brain barely releases Dopamine, cortisol and serotonin on it's own, so I need external things like sports, meditation, reading, etc. And when my psychiatrist talked to my father on how to deal with my depression and talked about the impact of physical abuse during childhood and teenage years, my father stopped taking me to these sessions and I have never met another doctor or counsellor every since. My father said to me 2 days ago --> "I (he) haven't done anything wrong in my entire life, you are the one at fault, you make excuses of health issues to not study" and my mother said to me "You were born a rakshas (a demon), you have always been a demon and still are".
I am tired now I have no friends, no one to talk to, family just in name, I am constantly in 2 zones --> 1. constantly blaming others and hating everyone 2. constantly blaming myself and trying to hurt myself.
I have given myself till the end of 2024 to improve myself otherwise I don't think I am ever going to do anything so I might probably commit s******. Hence I am here trying my best but I feel numb, no motivation, no happiness, no pain just pure frustration. I wanted to do so much in life and despite abuse was incredibly enthusiastic towards multiple fields --> especially literature, mathematics, physics and biology and pretty good at sports as well now even when I try my best I cannot read more than a page of my favourite book, I barely can move my pen to solve mathematical problems and feel like my aptitude towards academia has just disappeared, I enjoy nothing except watering plants (and my father recently cut a guava tree I planted as a child 20 years ago and it bore a lot of guavas every year). I have no idea what to do or can I even do anything at this point, I just hope every night I go to sleep and pass away of a heart attack or in some painless way.
I am new here, I don't usually join groups (online or offline) so this is quite new for me, hopefully this might help. I have been suffering from C-PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder, severe OCD and mild schizophrenia for little over 4 years. I just wanted to share my story here so that I could feel something, anything........ Sorry, this might be long.
I am from India, I am a victim of severe physical abuse (like hitting in the head with a steel rod, chairs, cricket bats, etc) from both my parents for nearly 20 years (I am 26 now). I cleared the second most difficult examination in the world in 2016 and got into the best college in the country, since I was away from home physical abuse turned into emotional and mental abuse, constant toxic remarks as my father didn't want to pay my college fees (as he never cared about my family including my mother and younger brother, my mother being a victim of physical abuse herself by the hands of my father used to take out her anger and frustration on me). I cannot make decisions since all my life I have been controlled by my father so I had to chose an engineering major that I never wanted and was exceptionally weak at, just because he wanted me to do that and as always I couldn't say anything.
Fast forward today, I went from one of the best students in the country to an unemployed 26 year old sitting at home suffering from C-PTSD and others mentioned above. I wanted to be a physicist, and being an asian I thought it was perfect that I wanted to make a career in academia but my father refused to pay my fees and asked me to get a job, but I couldn't pass my engineering courses due to constant abuse and lack of interest. I did 3 year worth of work in 6.5 years, dropping out multiple times due to being suicidal but my parents forced me again and again to complete my degree every time something like this happened, still to this day they nag me saying why did I ever tell them I had depression now their reputation is ruined in society (since India is not that open in dealing with mental health issues and accepting them). According to them I should have bottled in everything and just study anyway to get a degree and high paying job and pay back my father the fees with interest.
I had a few sessions with psychiatrist and few physical checkups as well --> my brain barely releases Dopamine, cortisol and serotonin on it's own, so I need external things like sports, meditation, reading, etc. And when my psychiatrist talked to my father on how to deal with my depression and talked about the impact of physical abuse during childhood and teenage years, my father stopped taking me to these sessions and I have never met another doctor or counsellor every since. My father said to me 2 days ago --> "I (he) haven't done anything wrong in my entire life, you are the one at fault, you make excuses of health issues to not study" and my mother said to me "You were born a rakshas (a demon), you have always been a demon and still are".
I am tired now I have no friends, no one to talk to, family just in name, I am constantly in 2 zones --> 1. constantly blaming others and hating everyone 2. constantly blaming myself and trying to hurt myself.
I have given myself till the end of 2024 to improve myself otherwise I don't think I am ever going to do anything so I might probably commit s******. Hence I am here trying my best but I feel numb, no motivation, no happiness, no pain just pure frustration. I wanted to do so much in life and despite abuse was incredibly enthusiastic towards multiple fields --> especially literature, mathematics, physics and biology and pretty good at sports as well now even when I try my best I cannot read more than a page of my favourite book, I barely can move my pen to solve mathematical problems and feel like my aptitude towards academia has just disappeared, I enjoy nothing except watering plants (and my father recently cut a guava tree I planted as a child 20 years ago and it bore a lot of guavas every year). I have no idea what to do or can I even do anything at this point, I just hope every night I go to sleep and pass away of a heart attack or in some painless way.