I am in hate with myself

Have you had therapy?

we are (as I am learning!) in control of ourselves. I think the trick is have awareness , which you have. And then speeding up with the awareness (so being aware the behaviour is starting, before it starts), and then having alternative behaviour. And practising that.

so you have feelings of anger, that might need exploring where they come from (long term work)
and then the behaviour you display when angry, and you can get quicker wins on that one by disrupting your patterns of behaviour?
Yes. I've been in and out of therapy since I was ten. I told mum about a neighbour that was hurting me sexually, and another kid I was friends with, for two years before I told her. I did see several councillors as I was diagnosed with AD/HD, ADD, opposition disorder and a learning disorder because I was having trouble in school a lot. I was on... Byphenton? I don't think I tried Rittilin or the other one in the news a lot...

I actually only remember one therapist that I had that really helped me. I miss you Craig...

I understand the idea of getting in front of your anger and do practice those strategies. I can feel the feelings of humiliation from my entire school carrier from one off-the cuff comment or joke, from anyone, and it's like it feeds that anger. I've done it before, for years, of just cutting off the anger. I think of it like a flame. A flame needs fuel, oxygen and heat. Take one away and no fire. So the anger couldn't build and it would only come out a little bit or for only a moment. Like, I was lighting a match instead of a jar of napalm...

In short- I need to find psychological help.
For example, if your co-worker breaks one of your fingers in a press or something, yeah, it’s an accident. People are forgiven and we move on. What would you do if, every time you go to use that press, this guy breaks your fingers. Would you keep using that piece of machinery? Would you keep letting yourself get hurt by someone?

It depends. If the coworker went 10 years without breaking my fingers and expressed genuine remorse and desire for restoration and a commitment to behavioral change? I would probably give them that opportunity. There are plenty of truly evil and broken and unfixable human beings on this Earth, but you do not sound like one of them. The reality is, you've caused pain and harm and suffering to others. There's nothing you can do to stop that from being true.

But it also doesn't mean you are 100% bad, either. People who are 100% bad, do not try to improve their behavior. Have you ever received therapy targeted towards specifically aggressive/criminal behaviors? This was a lifesaving measure for me, not only to help me to stop behaving that way, but to also become more at peace with the facts of my existence.

I am a feral animal. I scream, yell, throw horrifying insults around and walk around with this brain-dead idea that I can act like my dick weighs ten tones. I’m a huge guy so it’s easy to intimidate a little 70 year-old woman into shutting up. Oh, yeah, I do that too. My mom, the best mother in the world, who has been nothing but comforting, loving and kind, gets (I measured) 90+ decibel screaming in her face because she suggested to me that putting on a mattress-pad would be better for heating, instead of using a little heating-pad under my blankets. She works 80-hour weeks while I do nothing but leech off her. I am a parasite.

This reads a lot as difficulties in sensory processing (with regards to PTSD/IED/RAD etc, not autism) with a side of egoic fragility. Both of these things can be helped, with therapists who actually understand the implications of both of these things and are able to build a rapport with you that allows you to do the work. (The egoic fragility will be difficult to get a handle on, but it is not an impossible feat.) In addition, these behaviors are what's known as appetitive. The more you do them, the more you will do them. The more success you have at doing them (yelling at people to scare them, shut them up, and ultimately get what you want -> which is a positive result for you and encourages that pathway to fire again in the future) the more you will do them.

At the end of the day, the self-hatred and guilt are irrelevant. It's tough to hear this because our society places a lot of premium on "the act of feeling bad," and deep down, we really do think that it is "enough" to express guilt. But it actually does not matter whether or not you feel bad. Or even if you have absolutely zero remorse, and do not care at all. I promise you that it actually does not matter. The only thing that matters, is changing your behavior. Why you behave this way? Is not that important. How you feel about it? Is also not that important. Those things will not become important until you actively commit to peace and non-aggression toward others. Only then can you work on your own internal shit in a meaningful way.

People tend to get this one a little backwards.

And I'm absolutely the same way. "I was abused a lot as a kid [and this is true - I was forced into perpetrating rape, torture and armed violence as a child] and I was treated really badly, but I can 100% discuss it with complete rationality and take total responsibility for it-" all of that is great, but it does not matter if I am still harming other people. When it does matter? Is that I have actively shifted my trajectory of healing toward myself, by learning not to lash out at others aggressively, I can now fully focus on myself and my past experiences and how they influenced my behaviors.

I can afford to be completely self-consumed with this process because I am not causing anyone to suffer as a result. But the first thing I had to do was put 100% of my focus into behavioral modulation, distress tolerance, anger management and behavioral dialectics. 100%. There's no room for anything else in this process. You feeling bad about it does not change the fact that you are behaving abusively.

It also can result in a lot of emotional flooding toward the people that you are around - the people who you have hurt, who are now engaged in the process of trying to make you feel better so that you stop hitting and insulting and harming yourself around them.

It is, however, a sign that you can use internally to guide your future actions. Feeling this bad about it? Means there's a problem. Fortunately for you and the people in your life, this is a solvable problem. You are not completely devoid of humanity nor do you deserve to die. Both you and the targets of your aggression deserve to begin the peace process.
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This once sentence gave hope. True hope.

This ends today. I will change.

Inspiring words, and that is the crux of beginning to shed abuse and the cycle of violence. This stuff is hard. It will take a long time, and you will fail a lot. But it is doable. You will also succeed. The more you do it, the more you will recognize that you are capable of continuing to do it. My process of rehabilitation began at age 16. I was in a program here for ex-child soldiers and gang members. I started acting out violently as far back as age 7.

By the time I was recruited into a gang at 8 I had no emotions, no remorse, and was easily indoctrinated into following orders and harming people. I was forced to do many of the things I did, but I also acted totally autonomously many times and hurt people completely intentionally of my own free will many times. It was compounded by substance abuse - I was a poly drug addict, and I was on crack cocaine and Ritalin/Dexedrine/ etc, from ages 7-13.

I've hit people, screamed, thrown things, [sexually abused people, fired weapons at people] (this was forced, but I was still able to conduct these actions where most children would simply cry and scream and be beaten or even killed). I even tortured someone of my own free will. I committed thousands of $$$ worth of theft and got arrested for theft twice before the age of 18. I was also a vigilante for a couple of years (I would smash people's property, get them fired from their jobs, etc.) I've broken people's bones, destroyed their property, set hundreds of dollars of damages in fires (one even got in the news.)

There is no room for sympathy for me no matter what may or may not have precipitated these incidents. I am not looking for a pat on the back && should not receive one. The purpose in saying all of this is to demonstrate that I was abusive. I was a bad dude, and I harmed people in some pretty serious and egregious ways. Some of it was a direct result of abuse. A lot of it was tertiary to abuse. Sometimes I would feel entitled to behave violently because I felt that I had earned the right to be violent, due to having endured extreme violence myself.

Unlearning this has taken decades, and it only began to get better when I stopped focusing on my feelings and started focusing on my actions. Things improved even more when I received leadership training and saw myself placed in a position of responsibility and duty of care to other vulnerable people. I saw that I could make choices other than violence. I could learn new skills to solve conflicts and express my needs. While others are well within their rights to disengage from associating with me, I can at least be proud of myself that I have transformed my life in this way.

I've been diagnosed with RAD and have a confirmation, though not a formal diagnosis, that I've met the diagnostic criteria for ASPD and CD for most of my teenage-hood and early adulthood. That combination with PTSD and DDNOS made the challenge to grow even more unrealistic, but I am here to tell you that it is possible for you (and indeed, most anyone with a sincere desire to reform) to do. It doesn't matter what you have done. Life continues on. What matters is what you do next, moment-to-moment. And some people, like those on this thread, will not care that you are trying to make amends and get better.

Some people just won't accept your apology - and that is within their right, especially if you have harmed them. And that will piss you off, but it doesn't matter. Because this isn't for them. It's for you and your family and your life going forward. I never got a chance to face my victims as an adult, but in my life now, I try to use my experiences to help others to see that rehabilitating from abusive behavior is absolutely possible. It does not happen overnight and that can be frustrating and make you feel like it's worthless, but it's not worthless.

If an Alcoholic goes to AA and gets sober for 30 days before going on a binge, he is not back at square one. He has 30 days of prior sobriety, the lessons that he learned from that, and he can start sobriety again with even more information on how to succeed.
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I sat down with my mum and we had a long talk. We came to the agreement that this is not okay. We expressed our feelings and I had the chance to articulate everything. I did not understand how deeply my anger has affected her. I've made promises before and, like the wonderful mother she is, she believed me right away. I was not looking for a quick over-and-done-with "sorry. K" kind of thing.

My conduct is and was unacceptable. I have put fear into her because of this monster inside of me. If I act in this way again, I will be facing consequences. It is time for me to grow up and collar this angry dog in my brain. This monster in my head does not control me. It was extremely hard to admit my faults. The hardest part is telling her that, even though I felt like I didn't have control, my anger would always ask permission to be let off her chain. I always gave it. The whole time she was crying and my intrusive thoughts just kept going off and off and off. I made her cry. That is totally unacceptable!

But wait... Happy and cry? Okay. Happy cry can be okay. I haven't done anything to upset her negatively. This is very likely a release of emotion and a relief that I am willing to make a commitment to change. A release that I am not responsible for so I don't need to burden myself with guilt over "making her cry".

As if I could make this woman do anything. She is the strongest person that I know. I love her so much. She's my superhero. To me, she can lift mountains and slay gods.

I made it very clear that I want to change. I am not okay. I am a sick individual and it is not okay that she be the garbage bin for my overflow. She set down the law HARD and told me what I needed to hear. She is going to be safe in her home. We will make that a reality or I will no longer be a part of her life. This is simple fact. If I cannot control myself and, at all times, conduct myself appropriately, someone will be brought here to ensure that I do conduct myself in a proper manner.

Even now, my intrusive thoughts are hammering on my head, "good job gas-lighting her, when's the honeymoon phase end?" and all the other taunts that she sends my way. I honestly feel like my own demon is gaslighting me now. It's like they hate that I made the choice to change but it's out of her hands. I refuse to let this monster run my life and take more than she has.

Just constantly taunting me. Every word by every person, I hear and rationally understand and interpret but this monster simply asks, "I hear 'em talkin' some shit. Should we get him?", over some intermittently small slight against me. And I allowed it. I consented to the rage and the anger and the abuse. I made a contous choice for it to happen. I am making the choice to stop it.

No more... Absolutely not. I have had twenty years of this and it ends. With me, here, today. I will not be my father. I refuse to be angry. I will no longer be a monster. I would rather just deal with the emotions under the waterline and skip the yelling. I guess I just didn't realize how tired I was until I stopped fighting. My mother is safe and will be safe in her home. I will make that a reality.

I cannot forgive myself. I don't think that I ever will... But maybe I can understand why I am so angry and remove the fuel from the fire and learn to vent my anger is a way that is no longer harmful to others and myself. If I slip up and start yelling, I can stop at any time. I need to understand that I allowed the pain to happen and I have the power to stop it. As Weeme said, I am not evil because I have yelled, just like an alcoholic is not a failure because he drank after thirty days. I can simply stop, recollect, clip her collar back on and get back to my life. I am evil and an abuser when I am yelling, because my own mind lies to me. That does not make be an evil man. I sometime do evil things and, just like all people, I am allowed to make small mistakes. I am not excusing my actions and I intend to hold myself accountable.

Therapy, here I come. I sure do hope that whatever lives in my head is listening. She's not gong to rule my life anymore. I've had twenty years of fighting her, gaining experience by being beat down. I think that it's time I started building myself up.

All of you... Sincerely. I mean it. Thank you.
It seems like your trying to send a message, hell if I can figure out what it is. You mention that your safe and seem to think that the reader will care about your wellbeing, I personally don't. Honestly, I get the impression that this intended to get a rise out of people. There are a lot of ways to get things out, write it down with pen and paper, talk to loved ones that have been impacted, talk to a professional, or anonymously rant on an unrelated forum.

You somehow exist with having family members and no family members at the same time. At the age of 26 your mom is 70... impossible? Not at all. Is it likely she waited until 44 to have a child? I don't know. I do know that an increased age gap would make the story sound more dramatic and you've clearly added plenty of touches to try and create a story out of it.

Regardless of whether every word is true, a lie, or somewhere in between you need help.
I spent the day calling some therapists and Emailed some others. One said that she'll call me back.

I will do by doing. Truly, I apologize for any stress that I have caused anyone. That wasn't okay, especially considering the subject matter this forum covers.

I've needed to face some truths about me that were pretty uncomfortable and I've had to learn how to deal with my own demons. This will never end and that's okay. A part of me has broken and I need to work to put it back together. Inside of me, there are some great things, some scary things and some pretty horrible things but all of those together make me, me. They need to learn to work together. I've been doing a lot of reading on here and I've learned some techniques that work. I've found some things about me that are pretty awesome and I've found some others that need some deep work. I'm getting help.

I'm not going to say that I'll get better. I will be. It's a declaration.

I choose to live my life with love.