lostforgottensoul
MyPTSD Pro
I am so not dealing, with anything well. I feel like im going to hyperventalate my self to death along with a heart attack or something. Im trembling worse then I ever have, cant stop rocking, HUGE urge to cut and get high and to die and whatever...
My mom, one of my two main abusers, is dying. That alone is very complicated and was already having trouble holding it together but this. My family cannot stand me as it is but holding strong resentments against me because I dont want to go see her and my therapist agrees that while she still stays in denial that what happened did, there is nothing good to come of seeing her and it would likely set me back. I made that decision with my dad saying he would support which ever I decided to do and he said that with me saying I doubt I will go and I didnt want to go before my first therapist appointment after I got the news. I think he was thinking that my therapist would talk me into going instead of agreeing that it wouldnt be good for me to go. And he doesnt support my decision and he doesnt even respect it but its not that, or my family; its what he said. My step mom says he wasnt thinking but he was. He said what he thinks. He and my step mom are it. They are the last of my family that will speak to me, no friends, no nothing, they are the only ones left to even play half way on my team, be half way on my side of the field. But that was an illusion. Something I held so tightly onto that I feel now Im loosing but it was never there to loose.
He said that im wrong for not going, my therapist was unprofessional to tell me not to go which he didnt, he only agreed with me. My dad said that my mom is now this born again christian and isnt a child abuser anymore, shes a "child of god" thus what she did is forgotten and she is not responsible for what she did to me. A court of law would disagree. Ok, a court of law is a bit more rational. He also said that i dont have friends because of my exploding however i only explode on him & my step mom, minus going off a bit at work but ive been a doormat, helping my ex roommates way more than anyone would without exploding. I am terrfied of people, thats why I dont have friends. My dad saw that first hand when we were going to this small church while I was trying to gain some support before i found this site and he saw first hand my trembling and jumping and throwing up due to being around people, and christian people at that which is worse, in a church setting (was a school so not a church building) but still worse yet. He saw that first hand and it is due to my past and my mom but yet im to cause of it, its my fault. He seems to lay all blame of everything on me. I burnt bridges in my family, I burnt bridges with my mom....
Our relationship is severely fractured now to a point that I dont think I can fix it. I will never respect him again nor will I ever trust him. Last week he was trying to force me to help him find my mom's high school best friend to tell her about my mom. That high school best friend is the mother of the boy that raped me at 7 then covered it up. He seems to brush that under the rug. "Well that was the past and now your mom is dying and you are letting her down by not seeing her before she draws her last breath" he said. "If it were my mom, Id go" he said. Thats a completely unfair comparison. His mom was a preacher's wife, no bad word to say to anyone. He found my mom's high school best friend with my sister's help and then I come home from work 2 nights ago and he told me though my step mom told him not to, he not caring about my feelings at all that was made very clear to him and then talked about their lives for a while while I curled up into the fetal position.
I am so uttly alone in all of this. So very alone. And now, with my mom and my family...on top of all of that, I am now loosing my father and my last possible even simi-support. I was having trouble dealing with just my mom, add everything else and I feel like I am going completely insane.
Im sorry. Im sure no one wants to hear my insane ramblings. Just have a thread thats starting to die down, feel like Im talking to myself in my diary, i guess I just needed to vent this out to someone, anyone. Im not looking for anything really and im sure many arent going to have answers or words, Im not really looking for anything in particular (though if anyone does have any suggestions I am all for it). I already know that he's wrong, its the loss of him on top of my mom and family that im not dealing with well. I just needed to, I dont know. Im sitting here all by myself with this and nothing, no distaction, no self soothing, nothing is working and it had just hit, really hard where I couldnt breath and trembling got worse and rocking and all and so I thought maybe writing in a new thread about it would help. Im sorry for rambling and taking up space....
My mom, one of my two main abusers, is dying. That alone is very complicated and was already having trouble holding it together but this. My family cannot stand me as it is but holding strong resentments against me because I dont want to go see her and my therapist agrees that while she still stays in denial that what happened did, there is nothing good to come of seeing her and it would likely set me back. I made that decision with my dad saying he would support which ever I decided to do and he said that with me saying I doubt I will go and I didnt want to go before my first therapist appointment after I got the news. I think he was thinking that my therapist would talk me into going instead of agreeing that it wouldnt be good for me to go. And he doesnt support my decision and he doesnt even respect it but its not that, or my family; its what he said. My step mom says he wasnt thinking but he was. He said what he thinks. He and my step mom are it. They are the last of my family that will speak to me, no friends, no nothing, they are the only ones left to even play half way on my team, be half way on my side of the field. But that was an illusion. Something I held so tightly onto that I feel now Im loosing but it was never there to loose.
He said that im wrong for not going, my therapist was unprofessional to tell me not to go which he didnt, he only agreed with me. My dad said that my mom is now this born again christian and isnt a child abuser anymore, shes a "child of god" thus what she did is forgotten and she is not responsible for what she did to me. A court of law would disagree. Ok, a court of law is a bit more rational. He also said that i dont have friends because of my exploding however i only explode on him & my step mom, minus going off a bit at work but ive been a doormat, helping my ex roommates way more than anyone would without exploding. I am terrfied of people, thats why I dont have friends. My dad saw that first hand when we were going to this small church while I was trying to gain some support before i found this site and he saw first hand my trembling and jumping and throwing up due to being around people, and christian people at that which is worse, in a church setting (was a school so not a church building) but still worse yet. He saw that first hand and it is due to my past and my mom but yet im to cause of it, its my fault. He seems to lay all blame of everything on me. I burnt bridges in my family, I burnt bridges with my mom....
Our relationship is severely fractured now to a point that I dont think I can fix it. I will never respect him again nor will I ever trust him. Last week he was trying to force me to help him find my mom's high school best friend to tell her about my mom. That high school best friend is the mother of the boy that raped me at 7 then covered it up. He seems to brush that under the rug. "Well that was the past and now your mom is dying and you are letting her down by not seeing her before she draws her last breath" he said. "If it were my mom, Id go" he said. Thats a completely unfair comparison. His mom was a preacher's wife, no bad word to say to anyone. He found my mom's high school best friend with my sister's help and then I come home from work 2 nights ago and he told me though my step mom told him not to, he not caring about my feelings at all that was made very clear to him and then talked about their lives for a while while I curled up into the fetal position.
I am so uttly alone in all of this. So very alone. And now, with my mom and my family...on top of all of that, I am now loosing my father and my last possible even simi-support. I was having trouble dealing with just my mom, add everything else and I feel like I am going completely insane.
Im sorry. Im sure no one wants to hear my insane ramblings. Just have a thread thats starting to die down, feel like Im talking to myself in my diary, i guess I just needed to vent this out to someone, anyone. Im not looking for anything really and im sure many arent going to have answers or words, Im not really looking for anything in particular (though if anyone does have any suggestions I am all for it). I already know that he's wrong, its the loss of him on top of my mom and family that im not dealing with well. I just needed to, I dont know. Im sitting here all by myself with this and nothing, no distaction, no self soothing, nothing is working and it had just hit, really hard where I couldnt breath and trembling got worse and rocking and all and so I thought maybe writing in a new thread about it would help. Im sorry for rambling and taking up space....
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