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I Am Not Dealing Well

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lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
I am so not dealing, with anything well. I feel like im going to hyperventalate my self to death along with a heart attack or something. Im trembling worse then I ever have, cant stop rocking, HUGE urge to cut and get high and to die and whatever...

My mom, one of my two main abusers, is dying. That alone is very complicated and was already having trouble holding it together but this. My family cannot stand me as it is but holding strong resentments against me because I dont want to go see her and my therapist agrees that while she still stays in denial that what happened did, there is nothing good to come of seeing her and it would likely set me back. I made that decision with my dad saying he would support which ever I decided to do and he said that with me saying I doubt I will go and I didnt want to go before my first therapist appointment after I got the news. I think he was thinking that my therapist would talk me into going instead of agreeing that it wouldnt be good for me to go. And he doesnt support my decision and he doesnt even respect it but its not that, or my family; its what he said. My step mom says he wasnt thinking but he was. He said what he thinks. He and my step mom are it. They are the last of my family that will speak to me, no friends, no nothing, they are the only ones left to even play half way on my team, be half way on my side of the field. But that was an illusion. Something I held so tightly onto that I feel now Im loosing but it was never there to loose.

He said that im wrong for not going, my therapist was unprofessional to tell me not to go which he didnt, he only agreed with me. My dad said that my mom is now this born again christian and isnt a child abuser anymore, shes a "child of god" thus what she did is forgotten and she is not responsible for what she did to me. A court of law would disagree. Ok, a court of law is a bit more rational. He also said that i dont have friends because of my exploding however i only explode on him & my step mom, minus going off a bit at work but ive been a doormat, helping my ex roommates way more than anyone would without exploding. I am terrfied of people, thats why I dont have friends. My dad saw that first hand when we were going to this small church while I was trying to gain some support before i found this site and he saw first hand my trembling and jumping and throwing up due to being around people, and christian people at that which is worse, in a church setting (was a school so not a church building) but still worse yet. He saw that first hand and it is due to my past and my mom but yet im to cause of it, its my fault. He seems to lay all blame of everything on me. I burnt bridges in my family, I burnt bridges with my mom....

Our relationship is severely fractured now to a point that I dont think I can fix it. I will never respect him again nor will I ever trust him. Last week he was trying to force me to help him find my mom's high school best friend to tell her about my mom. That high school best friend is the mother of the boy that raped me at 7 then covered it up. He seems to brush that under the rug. "Well that was the past and now your mom is dying and you are letting her down by not seeing her before she draws her last breath" he said. "If it were my mom, Id go" he said. Thats a completely unfair comparison. His mom was a preacher's wife, no bad word to say to anyone. He found my mom's high school best friend with my sister's help and then I come home from work 2 nights ago and he told me though my step mom told him not to, he not caring about my feelings at all that was made very clear to him and then talked about their lives for a while while I curled up into the fetal position.

I am so uttly alone in all of this. So very alone. And now, with my mom and my family...on top of all of that, I am now loosing my father and my last possible even simi-support. I was having trouble dealing with just my mom, add everything else and I feel like I am going completely insane.

Im sorry. Im sure no one wants to hear my insane ramblings. Just have a thread thats starting to die down, feel like Im talking to myself in my diary, i guess I just needed to vent this out to someone, anyone. Im not looking for anything really and im sure many arent going to have answers or words, Im not really looking for anything in particular (though if anyone does have any suggestions I am all for it). I already know that he's wrong, its the loss of him on top of my mom and family that im not dealing with well. I just needed to, I dont know. Im sitting here all by myself with this and nothing, no distaction, no self soothing, nothing is working and it had just hit, really hard where I couldnt breath and trembling got worse and rocking and all and so I thought maybe writing in a new thread about it would help. Im sorry for rambling and taking up space....
 
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Breathe.
Your not alone, we're virtually there with you and for you.

I have more I would like to say but I'm as anxious as you are today and my fingers aren't working
Just know that I care and will be hoping the best for you.
In the shortest way possible all I can say is if your family want to give you a hard time about this then they aren't worthy of your time.
Your beautiful and caring and have given me support before. That's more than they can say isn't it. If they can't or won't see your beauty behind the trauma then they need to put their heads up the rear of a pachiderm .
 
Wow, I am soo sorry. My mother was my abuser and I know that although she tormented me 24/7, it was still difficult to actually turn my back and walk away. I don't know your history, but it seems to me like you have good reason to stay away from someone who treated you the way she did.
And your Dad sounds pretty toxic too. Offering to support you then changing his mind and expecting you to do something he should know would cause you distress, not to mention brushing off your being raped when a young child. I'm sorry he and the rest of your family are not there for you.
It is very difficult to feel alone and like no one cares. I realize it is not much comfort (coming from a total stranger) but I care. I really do. I find my therapist a good person to talk with and sites like this one are helpful to me because I realize I'm not alone. Sitting at home, alone, can make you sometimes feel everyone else is having a great, exciting, happy life but you.
I don't have any recommendations, but please don't harm yourself. One thing I used to find very helpful was going out for a long walk. Just walking. After a while I would start to calm down and feel able to cope with life again. Used to really surprise me, but it did help. Sometimes you have to walk for awhile but it always worked for me. Going up hills was amazing in helping to alleviate my anxiety.
Please let us know how you're doing, okay?
 
Sometimes rambling is great for getting things out. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, it's a difficult situation. Just remember you have a lot of support over here, where your voice and feelings count, and you are so valued.

Please try and take care of yourself.

Hug if you accept. Keeping you in my thoughts.
 
@lostforgottensoul -I am so sorry for what you are going through. And I have no words to take away your pain. All I can say is I hear you and what you are saying! I hear how much pain you are in and I wish I could comfort you in some way-hug, kind words, listening ear. My mom was extremely ill a few months ago and I went to see her because I felt I "should" or "had to" or that my siblings expected me to. I thought about everyone except me. All I can say is I have been on the edge of life since that visit. i want you to do what's best for you! You have support here to get you through this-I will help you if I can. But hurting yourself is like rewarding your mom for all the pain she caused you! Don't let her win!! Please take care of you right now-breath, journal, write here. We will be here to listen.
 
feelings hurt but the won't kill you.

They could if they push me to that point.

don't hurt yourself..please. that won't solve anything!

No but it will relieve this presser cooker inside of me. I honestly dont see how anyone is suprise that I explode, i live in a presser cooker every single day of my life and this one is about to take me with it.

Im fighting it. Not well. I told my step mom that he pushed me to that point of wanting to huff. That is the entire reason they moved in and though its been 2 years, knowing its just a few blocks down the street at walgreens and legal to buy is about to kick my ass. Im alone until I go to work tomorrow and could make this all go away for a while. Honestly the only thing thats keeping me from giving in and going down there is the fact that i would go on 3 day binges and not sure if i would now but knowing that im already at a point with my attendence at work for a write up due to being sick last week or the week before, whenever that was, i cant call out anymore and when i get to the point of loosing time and not remembering a huge chunck of the day if not the entire day, it takes a bit to come out of my system. The fact that I have to work tomorrow is the only thing keeping from going down there but i'll take it.

Please let us know how you're doing, okay?

Dont worry, I'll be ok. I dont want to worry everyone, that wasnt why i wrote this....im sorry.

I don't know your history,

Sorry, I wrote so much back in Dec & Jan that I forget theres new people on the site every day.

If you want, and only if you want and please know if is very graphic and detailed but my first diary post is most of my history: Link Removed but please dont feel obligated or anything. Most have issue with my past and triggers so its ok if you dont want to read it, just wanted to give you and whomever the chance to.

it was still difficult to actually turn my back and walk away.

Yes, I had that issue too and though I cut contact with her at 19, she still has power over me and control over me and that is somewhat of what I was trying to do, pull the last of me out of her grip but this, this is a while 'nother animal.

And your Dad sounds pretty toxic too. Offering to support you then changing his mind and expecting you to do something he should know would cause you distress, not to mention brushing off your being raped when a young child.

He is and he brushes everything off and excuses it to be no big deal. He is a stick his head in the sand person. He doesnt know my entire past but he knows enough, enough to at least get why im not going to see her. I was becoming ok enough to try to gently nudge him out of the house until my mom was in her deathbed anyway; its hard as he's almost 75 (but has his full mind still), and he seems to think he's going to live with me the rest of his life. And he has his family's blood for damn sure, the guilt trips he gives...manipulative for damn sure.

One thing I used to find very helpful was going out for a long walk. Just walking. After a while I would start to calm down and feel able to cope with life again. Used to really surprise me, but it did help. Sometimes you have to walk for awhile but it always worked for me. Going up hills was amazing in helping to alleviate my anxiety.

Not sure how far I can walk as I have severe chronic pain and have an internal pain pump (some call it a morphone pump though it holds more meds then just morphine) and so walking is hard. I can walk around in my apartment complex's roads. Was not wanting to as I live right beside a very active train track and being on the edge and outside with the the train tracks.... Maybe go the other way and just walk the circle around, I dont know.

My mom was extremely ill a few months ago and I went to see her because I felt I "should" or "had to" or that my siblings expected me to. I thought about everyone except me. All I can say is I have been on the edge of life since that visit.

Thats the exact reason I wont go. I dont get why they care so much. Im 35, I made an adult decision, no one has to like it and agree but damn!

Im sorry about your situation. I know you've been going through it too.

Hug if you accept

I certianly accept hugs on here! Thank you!

And thanks everyone. Talking helps...
 
@lostforgottensoul that is why you need to take a deep breathe and try and calm down. Do you have a friend that can hang with you for awhile? I know you are suffering. I just want you to be safe and ok.

From what I've read... you are a strong person. you can and will get through this. my heart goes out to you.

Many, many hugs my friend.
 
Do you have a friend that can hang with you for awhile?

No, no friends. No one now that my dad has drank my family's koolaid.

From what I've read... you are a strong person. you can and will get through this. my heart goes out to you.

I try, very hard! I just feel like this is taking me down.

I'll be ok. Trying to stay on the site so im not fully alone and so i dont think up something stupid to do. Work tomorrow and that fully distracts me so i just have to get to tomorrow...
 
How about renting a movie? something funny.

I don't mean to be dense but what do you mean by your dad drinking the families koolaid....i'm stumped on that one.

I applaud you for going through this and sticking to what feels right for you.....that is the epitome of strength.
 
I don't mean to be dense but what do you mean by your dad drinking the families koolaid....i'm stumped on that one.

My dad was too though my step mom gets it. Was speaking in terms of Jim Jone's poisoned koolaid. Its just a term to state he is following them like he's playing follow the leader or much like a cult works. Oddly enough...

How about renting a movie? something funny.

Yeah, Im moving around in Amazon (Im a prime member and a Netflix member so dont have to rent or pay for pay per view) but nothing seems to hold my attention very long. TV seems to be my go to but doesnt always work and most times I make horrible choices on what to watch and it makes it worse.
 
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