I am not me any more?


I don't know if it's true de personalization but I don't feel like me any more and I do feel literally robbed of my identity and regulation and physical health b/c of my PTSD depression and life circumstances.

As I have posted before I am a long term severe victim of DV....in all the ways one can be I would say. And w DV 101 it's about a cycle of control. I was the controlled one and I still am. Sadly even the law was used to do that and to punish me (civilly). My Mom in essence disowned me something that was threatened to me in my life and something that haunts me every day. She also cut me off from my other family (1/2 sister). Triangulation can be common in dysf families and also scapegoating which happened to me to the extreme. I actually some days don't know how to deal other than to de personalize.

I have been told cruelly that I have " let my abuse become my identity". Now I didn't want that or ask for that. I also would love to "just get over it" which as long term sufferers of PTSD CPstd or long term systemic abuse for decades well that just doesn't happen. Would I like to find healing and a new way? Yes. Someone here others said even I said I would like forgiveness with my Mom. The way she has things set right now it doesn't allow it. I am not sure that even is healthy b/c maybe that sets me up to be a doormat and blamed for life. I struggle to deal every day. I do in that I have survived the last two years a pandemic alone w no supports chronic health conds. bad landlord conds but I must look over my shoulder for my Mom who also well she assaulted me in recent years stalked me in recent months.

What could I do in this scenario esp the recent one but I felt nothing sit in my car like a trapped animal she had me like. I wonder where are the helps for me. I wish I had good friends but I don't, I moved back to a small town in my 40s and this is not a social place in fact someone in passing said this to me today. It's also a very EXPENSIVE place. I would like to move I think this would be better for me safter for me but I don't drive long distance. I have the money to do this but no one to help me with this and so it's hard. I worked hard to keep my savings when my Mom cost me 7 k in last 2 yrs in court stuff dragging me through mud ruining me b/c she won't admit what her husband did or is/was ( He is deceased and this still has not sunk into me).

I had to always be the fall guy... the "bad kid"...the "out of control one" and in fact I wasn't. I would say if I was and I am fairly self aware. There are times in my life when I was wild....though not a harm to others uss in some or many ways uncaring to myself and I do chalk that down to my low self esteem and prob lack of a safe upbringing. I tried my best...I did go away to college far away earned straight As. I wonder if I can move again? I still had my home base w my Nana and moved w a suitcase this is not the case now. I declutter as I can but I love thrift shopping.

I worry every time I see a car that looks like my Mom's and this is not sick hypervigilance though I wish I didn't have to....she stalked me a few months ago...plus she two years ago took out a PFA on me!!! Well her beh is in contradiction to that and it was in pure "bad faith". I am stuck on this it causes me to clench my teeth at night have mental exhaustion tell ppl I am mentally exhausted and drink and be sad sabotage my health and avoid life. I do as much as I can which granted my life for the last 45 years I think was alot. Others said they wouldnt have survived. I do wish I had friends and I do know my life my mental health my personality the way I have to live and the sad way I carry myself the way I look tired all the time and don't work couldve been diff. I was a high acheiever when I had opportunities ones I got for myself things of course my Mom left out. My 1/2 brother whom I barely know on other side ( it's complicated) and only know over text judged me and said it seems your abuses define you. I think abuse defines the perpetrator not the victim who struggles and tries w no supports at all to overcome it.

I hope this is the right place. I have chronic health conds I think in great part I have isolation in part b/c of my circs also where I live and it sucks. I used to live in Hawaii. Before folks say move back there it's hella expensive I am sure and not so easy when you have property and you are totally alone. That said if there was a way for me to move anywhere I would and probably should because I would love my Mom not to know where I lived. I would also love if my name changed. I don't love that its that way but she made this dangerous dynamic.

A women's center in my hometown who did little to help me in the height of this later said I don't think your Mom was scared of you she did this to control you...Bingo...and that is abuse. She did in every way you can....I didn't no matter how bad it got actually and she said so...but still the worst came down on me and can in these scenarios.
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Trauma that is severe enough to cause ptsd is life changing . Frankly I don’t see how it cannot become even in the case of resolved one incident trauma- a change in us - it’s after all become part of our psychobiography.

I personally find it’s also made me more empathetic, less judgemental and moving towards being more self protective. I just don’t think I can share space with everyone any more or that that’s a failing.

Life DOES change us. That what it is to be a developing, learning person- for good or bad. Only caricatures on a page don’t change - or maybe our perception of people because we can’t imagine their change.

Learning who you talk to about what is a really tricky process - and I think way harder with family where things have been ‘difficult’ in someway. But for me it’s the only thing that makes contact possible.


I think that this external locus of control that you carry around might be something to consider. One of the things that I noticed along the way was that abusers can make us create our own cages in our mind. They do this by training us to anticipate their every next move; overthink about what they think about us; get our emotions in high gear by constantly changing their reactions towards us. They victimize us and we create the cage construct to carry around with us to avoid the pain of what they are doing to us. This construct becomes our life experience. There is no way out that I know of unless we commit to ourselves that there is a better life out there and go after it.

There will always be people who judge us. I think our job is to focus on being the best person we can be without seeking validation from others. Maybe take the focus out of the cage and reimagine yourself. What do you like to do in a day? Do you know who you are without their influences? What types of things do you like to do in a day? What would you do if you could do any time of job in the world? What is your passion? Do you put time into nurturing yourself?

Soon you will be so busy 'doing you' that that cage that constrains you disappears into the background. In the meanwhile, you may have to address those issues with stalking etc to ease your mind. Ever thought of changing your name? Moving so nobody knows where you are? Who would you be if you could be anyone in the world?

One thing I know about stalking and harassments is that it can destroy lives. Took me over 10 years to be able to get my life back again. Every day I thank god I got away from those people. It was a lot of pain to break free, but I realized I wasn't actually free when I was carrying around with me all the things that happened to me because of them. Freedom is going out and living a life without them. To stop identifying with the pieces of shit who did this to you.

Keep safe. Keep moving forward. Have fun creating @Dolce 2.0.