PreciousChild
MyPTSD Pro
I'm not really looking for advice, but rather for some sympatico. I was at my therapist's today, and I was surprised that I was still in tears about my ex boyfriend who broke up with me in June, and who moved out at the end of August. My son and I grieved, in some ways I moved on, I often feel grateful for some of the great experiences he gave my son and me, and I have even been dating someone for about 2 months that I like who's really nice. I'd like to see how that goes. But there's always been a gnawing feeling of injustice in the way that the relationship ended with my ex bf. He and I are both sufferers, but he's untreated and refused to even think about going to therapy. He had so little distance from his symptoms that when he was triggered, which was a lot, he usually attributed his bad feelings to me as the cause. That might be partly true, but all the deep unresolved feelings of conflict from his complex ptsd I'm sure was the greater contributer. He had a huge amount of rage that he was split off from because in his world there was good (himself) and evil (his dad and others), and he had no part in any way with evil. He went to great lengths to cast himself as perfectly good. I was starting to get cast into the evil one, yay.
What I realized today was that the nagging feeling of injustice comes from the fact that I was scapegoated by my family, and later my husband who is now my ex husband. I really hope I break out of this dynamic with the new romantic interest. But I am just angry and sad and frustrated that I opened myself up to someone again who projected his s***t onto me just like my dad, my brother, and my ex husband did. They held up their world by outsourcing their pain and rage onto me. At the same time, I was in total alignment with them - I saw myself as a black hole of badness that made everything around me worse. I hated myself and wish I didn't "infect" others with my awfulness. I've healed a lot and don't feel that way as much. With my ex boyfriend, I thought he was a much healthier choice than my ex husband (and he actually was!). But I realize that my radar doesn't pick up the red flags. And though I had some bare recognition of the dynamic developing between my ex bf and me, at the time, I was completely willing to work it out. I was completely willing to live with someone who had a constant persistent problem with me.
Another thing I realized is that like my childhood, the relationship between my ex bf and me was about him - avoiding his triggers, getting his needs met, not antagonizing him. My childhood left me feeling that my needs were a problem. It got in the way of focusing on my parents' needs, which I had to do to survive. They exploited me for their endless needs and tasks. I also realized today that when my needs went unmet, they were buried underground and it would be goddamned painful to even think about trying to bring them to the surface. Why even try? If I tried, I would be reminded, yet again, that I'm not worth s**t, and no one gives a f**k about my needs, and that thought is so painful. So even though I would feel so sad constantly being told by my ex bf that I was a problem for him, I just took it. I didn't even think about asking him to consider my feelings.
After today's therapy session, I think that nagging feeling might start to dissipate. I felt so stuck in it, and I think it's because it awoken those feelings of worthlessness that I had as a child. I needed to gain distance from those feelings of worthlessness by tagging him out for his role in the dynamic. He wasn't right about me.
What I realized today was that the nagging feeling of injustice comes from the fact that I was scapegoated by my family, and later my husband who is now my ex husband. I really hope I break out of this dynamic with the new romantic interest. But I am just angry and sad and frustrated that I opened myself up to someone again who projected his s***t onto me just like my dad, my brother, and my ex husband did. They held up their world by outsourcing their pain and rage onto me. At the same time, I was in total alignment with them - I saw myself as a black hole of badness that made everything around me worse. I hated myself and wish I didn't "infect" others with my awfulness. I've healed a lot and don't feel that way as much. With my ex boyfriend, I thought he was a much healthier choice than my ex husband (and he actually was!). But I realize that my radar doesn't pick up the red flags. And though I had some bare recognition of the dynamic developing between my ex bf and me, at the time, I was completely willing to work it out. I was completely willing to live with someone who had a constant persistent problem with me.
Another thing I realized is that like my childhood, the relationship between my ex bf and me was about him - avoiding his triggers, getting his needs met, not antagonizing him. My childhood left me feeling that my needs were a problem. It got in the way of focusing on my parents' needs, which I had to do to survive. They exploited me for their endless needs and tasks. I also realized today that when my needs went unmet, they were buried underground and it would be goddamned painful to even think about trying to bring them to the surface. Why even try? If I tried, I would be reminded, yet again, that I'm not worth s**t, and no one gives a f**k about my needs, and that thought is so painful. So even though I would feel so sad constantly being told by my ex bf that I was a problem for him, I just took it. I didn't even think about asking him to consider my feelings.
After today's therapy session, I think that nagging feeling might start to dissipate. I felt so stuck in it, and I think it's because it awoken those feelings of worthlessness that I had as a child. I needed to gain distance from those feelings of worthlessness by tagging him out for his role in the dynamic. He wasn't right about me.
