Sufferer I am nothing but trauma responses

Hi, hoping this is the right place for me.
I'm a 36yr old female living in the UK, I suffered a lifetime of abuse (mental, physical, sexual) and conditioning from early childhood, first memory is around 2yrs old, I had shut it all out and forgotten it all until 4yrs ago when pandoras box was opened. I guess the healing part of my journey began from there, I was diagnosed/misdiagnosed with autism.
I've not been in a good place for the past two months, lots of realizations and the constant belief 'I can't do all this, there's too much, it's really a lot f*cking worse than I thought'. I have absolutely no support and find it so hard to speak up or reach out, when I do I give people (organisations, social workers, businesses, friends) the bare minimum and I'm met with 'I'm really sorry you're in this situation but I don't know what to do to help' then they leave... it's frustrating and soo disappointing.
I've tried lots of different therapies but nothing currently and no medications.
I live in a small overcrowded house with my 5 children, in a town where I don't really know anyone and don't have the social skills or time to build relationships.
I have no idea who I am, what I want and never have.
Hardest thing I'm dealing with at the moment is - realisations I'm a walking talking preprogrammed trauma response, absolutely everything about me and my personality is just trauma response, so like where do I go from here guys?
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
hello fluffy. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

my personality is just trauma response, so like where do I go from here guys?

my suggestion on where to go from here is to keep working the very step you took when you made this post. finding emotional support while searching for the words for ^it^ are always one of my first steps in managing those gnarly trauma responses. in my own recovery road, realization leads to awareness and awareness that my symptoms are showing --AGAIN-- is what makes it possible for managing those symptoms in place of letting the symptoms manage me.

i often **feel** like my symptoms **are** my personality, but often remind myself that i am more than my ptsd symptoms. managing my symptoms allows me to discover and show the real me behind my wounded psyche. ptsd is a condition i suffer. it is not who nor what i am.
 

Tickety-boo

New Here
Realization is really the first step. My advice, for what it's worth, is to really watch yourself. Get to know your trauma responses. Study them in a kind of detached, clinical way. Don't try to get better yet, just understand. I did this myself, and the more I did, the more I could identify what wasn't me, and then gradually I could start experimenting outside my triggered responses and see if something else felt more 'right'. I now feel much more authentic (still a ways to go!). But it started with just really trying to watch and observe in a detached, clinical kind of way without putting too much pressure on myself to solve it all quickly. Hope that helps?
 
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