EveHarrington
MyPTSD Pro
I am really struggling right now.
My obsessive thinking has been through the roof. My new (old) meds have given me so many side effects that I had to come off them even though they helped the thoughts. (I won’t go on anything else, my Dr suggested antidepressants and that was a hard NO because they give me so many problems.)
So now I’m coming off the meds and waiting for the side effects to go away. My body just hurts so bad and I feel hopeless.
I got a new therapist but can’t see her until May. I have to wait a month and a half which is probably a good thing considering how mad I am at my old therapist, but still this means I don’t have this support for awhile.
My mom said something to me about not wanting to celebrate holidays anymore because it’s only meaningful when you have kids. This is a woman who gave me a damn bunny every year as a kid and still talks about that stupid ass collection ALL THE TIME that I never even liked myself, or ever enjoyed, (it was always packed away right after Easter only to be gotten out the next Easter. I never played with those bunnies.) It’s now worth money so at least I can sell it at some point. Same goes for Christmas, and my stupid ornament collection, only this one she still adds to as it is my yearly birthday AND Christmas present. AND FOR WHAT?! “Holidays are only fun when you have kids!” I told her point blank that I’m facing a lifetime of being alone and having no holidays with anyone, so it hurts that my mom doesn’t want to do anything with me on the holidays in the years she has left on this planet. The conversation is done. Done. I won’t entertain the idea of even recognizing holidays with her because it’s just out of pity. (“Why can’t you make an Amazon wish list like your sister?!?” Well mom, maybe it’s because I don’t WANT anything off of Amazon!” She now just begrudgingly gives me checks that I use to pay bills anyway.) She laments that my siblings aren’t “sentimental” like me, but no, they got the message that holidays are only for kids and I’m the stupid one that internalized the message that holidays were a time for being with loved ones. STUPID ME.

My obsessive thinking has been through the roof. My new (old) meds have given me so many side effects that I had to come off them even though they helped the thoughts. (I won’t go on anything else, my Dr suggested antidepressants and that was a hard NO because they give me so many problems.)
So now I’m coming off the meds and waiting for the side effects to go away. My body just hurts so bad and I feel hopeless.
I got a new therapist but can’t see her until May. I have to wait a month and a half which is probably a good thing considering how mad I am at my old therapist, but still this means I don’t have this support for awhile.
My mom said something to me about not wanting to celebrate holidays anymore because it’s only meaningful when you have kids. This is a woman who gave me a damn bunny every year as a kid and still talks about that stupid ass collection ALL THE TIME that I never even liked myself, or ever enjoyed, (it was always packed away right after Easter only to be gotten out the next Easter. I never played with those bunnies.) It’s now worth money so at least I can sell it at some point. Same goes for Christmas, and my stupid ornament collection, only this one she still adds to as it is my yearly birthday AND Christmas present. AND FOR WHAT?! “Holidays are only fun when you have kids!” I told her point blank that I’m facing a lifetime of being alone and having no holidays with anyone, so it hurts that my mom doesn’t want to do anything with me on the holidays in the years she has left on this planet. The conversation is done. Done. I won’t entertain the idea of even recognizing holidays with her because it’s just out of pity. (“Why can’t you make an Amazon wish list like your sister?!?” Well mom, maybe it’s because I don’t WANT anything off of Amazon!” She now just begrudgingly gives me checks that I use to pay bills anyway.) She laments that my siblings aren’t “sentimental” like me, but no, they got the message that holidays are only for kids and I’m the stupid one that internalized the message that holidays were a time for being with loved ones. STUPID ME.
