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I am really struggling right now

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EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
I am really struggling right now.

My obsessive thinking has been through the roof. My new (old) meds have given me so many side effects that I had to come off them even though they helped the thoughts. (I won’t go on anything else, my Dr suggested antidepressants and that was a hard NO because they give me so many problems.)

So now I’m coming off the meds and waiting for the side effects to go away. My body just hurts so bad and I feel hopeless.

I got a new therapist but can’t see her until May. I have to wait a month and a half which is probably a good thing considering how mad I am at my old therapist, but still this means I don’t have this support for awhile.

My mom said something to me about not wanting to celebrate holidays anymore because it’s only meaningful when you have kids. This is a woman who gave me a damn bunny every year as a kid and still talks about that stupid ass collection ALL THE TIME that I never even liked myself, or ever enjoyed, (it was always packed away right after Easter only to be gotten out the next Easter. I never played with those bunnies.) It’s now worth money so at least I can sell it at some point. Same goes for Christmas, and my stupid ornament collection, only this one she still adds to as it is my yearly birthday AND Christmas present. AND FOR WHAT?! “Holidays are only fun when you have kids!” I told her point blank that I’m facing a lifetime of being alone and having no holidays with anyone, so it hurts that my mom doesn’t want to do anything with me on the holidays in the years she has left on this planet. The conversation is done. Done. I won’t entertain the idea of even recognizing holidays with her because it’s just out of pity. (“Why can’t you make an Amazon wish list like your sister?!?” Well mom, maybe it’s because I don’t WANT anything off of Amazon!” She now just begrudgingly gives me checks that I use to pay bills anyway.) She laments that my siblings aren’t “sentimental” like me, but no, they got the message that holidays are only for kids and I’m the stupid one that internalized the message that holidays were a time for being with loved ones. STUPID ME.

😩
 
@EveHarrington - I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling.
My new (old) meds have given me so many side effects that I had to come off them even though they helped the thoughts. (I won’t go on anything else, my Dr suggested antidepressants and that was a hard NO because they give me so many problems.)

So now I’m coming off the meds and waiting for the side effects to go away. My body just hurts so bad and I feel hopeless.
Do you feel good about your Doc? Like, are they giving you all of your options for alternative meds?
 
@EveHarrington - I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling.

Do you feel good about your Doc? Like, are they giving you all of your options for alternative meds?

Sorry for being a jerk.

I have been reaching out for help in multiple ways and I was just frustrated.

I have a social worker and she asked me how she could help me. I asked if she could reach out to me and touch in with me. I asked if this was within her scope of work. She said yes, and yes. This was over 2 weeks ago, and it’s been CRICKETS!

I feel good about my doc. I have had him for a number of years now and he is the best doc I have ever had (psychiatrist). I have been off the meds for a number of days now and my thoughts are ok. I get headache flares but they are much better than before. I need to get this drug out of my system first before trying anything else, and fortunately my thoughts are surprisingly calm. I need to call my doc this week.

It’s almost as if something has shifted, but I can’t place my finger on it. It might be the realization that I’m losing my brother for good (most likely). He hasn’t talked to me in a few years now, but there was always the hope that he would come back. He has trashed all of his immediate family on social media for not picking up on his newly diagnosed disorder. He’s still very much in “blame everyone else” mode. I made the mistake of telling my mom and her heart is broken. I haven’t seen her this bad in a long time. (He doesn’t talk to her, either.) My heart breaks for him because I know you can’t get better as long as you are in a “blame everyone else” mindset. He hates my mom for not seeing his “very obvious” symptoms. He blames us siblings for not seeing them, either. The thing is, my mom was looking for the symptoms as a kid as she was fearful that any of us could have a disorder. She saw nothing, I saw nothing. I have friends with the disorder and while everyone exhibits symptoms differently I say this just to say that no, his symptoms were not obvious…….but my ptsd symptoms were not obvious to my parents, either, even though I’ve had trauma symptoms most of my life, so yeah, I know how things may seem obvious in our inner world but others can’t see it at all. My brother is very loved, even though we come from a messed up family. He will always be welcomed back, as we love him. My mom has very much changed for the better. I saw the shift years ago, but apparently my brother did not. I think all of this is keeping my mind off of the mind loops (as I only obsess about certain things).

I think about him, and I wish him the best. I want to help him but I can’t. (I have some of the same symptoms that he has, and wanted to help him a few years ago but he had already shut me out by that point.) We do not have the same disorder though. It’s hard to see him in this state. I need to stop looking at his social media posts as they just upset me. I was looking at them just to see if he was ok. (Some of what he says is very upsetting to me for other reasons, so I just need to let go and hope he finds his way.)

Sorry this got so long. But yeah, the thoughts are better (for now?) but unfortunately my mind has been stressed by family issues. My family is so broken and it just hurts.

Thank you for responding to me, Joey.
 
It’s almost as if something has shifted, but I can’t place my finger on it.

something HAS shifted and you nailed it in your first paragraph. coming off meds is no small shift. emotional gyrations to be expected.

i've been managing my symptoms holistically since the turn of the millennium and simple awareness is my most comprehensive tool. when life throws me a proverbial curve ball that sends me into tailspins, awareness of the shift helps me keep the intrusive thoughts, etc., in perspective. yeah, i'm crazier than usual today, but i've worked with less. onward through the fog. . .

steadying support while you find your new direction.
 
something HAS shifted and you nailed it in your first paragraph. coming off meds is no small shift. emotional gyrations to be expected.

No, that’s not the shift. Stopping medication that was supposed to help the obsessions is not the reason the obsessions went away.
 
I called out my stupid social worker for ignoring me and now I’m getting all kinds of phone calls. Right, you can’t pretend to f*cking care only after I confront you about not doing your damn job. I’m sick of reaching out for help but not being taken seriously because I’m not throwing a fit at the time. I told her how things were going to go down. I told her I asked her for help, she said she could help me simply by checking in with me, (FAR FAR FAR less than what her other clients require) and she told me she could help me in this way, but then she refused to help me. I told her I have a month and a half until therapy so I either make it to that point on my own (because god knows I don’t have any other support options) or I crash and burn and end up in the hospital. So to hell with her, any help I’d get at this point would only be out of pity and I don’t trust her worth shit. No patient actually thinks they are getting quality care when they Had to throw a fit in order to get it. 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡
 
I am really struggling right now.

My obsessive thinking has been through the roof. My new (old) meds have given me so many side effects that I had to come off them even though they helped the thoughts. (I won’t go on anything else, my Dr suggested antidepressants and that was a hard NO because they give me so many problems.)

So now I’m coming off the meds and waiting for the side effects to go away. My body just hurts so bad and I feel hopeless.

I got a new therapist but can’t see her until May. I have to wait a month and a half which is probably a good thing considering how mad I am at my old therapist, but still this means I don’t have this support for awhile.

My mom said something to me about not wanting to celebrate holidays anymore because it’s only meaningful when you have kids. This is a woman who gave me a damn bunny every year as a kid and still talks about that stupid ass collection ALL THE TIME that I never even liked myself, or ever enjoyed, (it was always packed away right after Easter only to be gotten out the next Easter. I never played with those bunnies.) It’s now worth money so at least I can sell it at some point. Same goes for Christmas, and my stupid ornament collection, only this one she still adds to as it is my yearly birthday AND Christmas present. AND FOR WHAT?! “Holidays are only fun when you have kids!” I told her point blank that I’m facing a lifetime of being alone and having no holidays with anyone, so it hurts that my mom doesn’t want to do anything with me on the holidays in the years she has left on this planet. The conversation is done. Done. I won’t entertain the idea of even recognizing holidays with her because it’s just out of pity. (“Why can’t you make an Amazon wish list like your sister?!?” Well mom, maybe it’s because I don’t WANT anything off of Amazon!” She now just begrudgingly gives me checks that I use to pay bills anyway.) She laments that my siblings aren’t “sentimental” like me, but no, they got the message that holidays are only for kids and I’m the stupid one that internalized the message that holidays were a time for being with loved ones. STUPID ME.

😩
Its sounds trite to say I am sorry for what you are going through; the man I loved and know for 3 years, 3 months ago declared he loved and has always done so. Since then has came off his ptsd medication and not seeking help in any shape or form. While he was on his meds he was affectionate, playful, flirtatious, generous, complimentary, charming. It took about 4 weeks for me to see the change in him. I begged him to see a doctor, psychologist, therapist but the answer is always 'time will heal me'. He said he 'just wanted to be normal'. Eight years of ptsd should tell him there is no cure, only managing. At least you are seeking help because you know you need that help. I've never had depression so I can't get inside someone's head to see what goes on but from seeing the man I love hurting, changing into another person entirely, rude, cold, hostile, silent, angry, now three months after he came off his meds I hardly recognise him. We shared a bed for the first time six weeks ago and he could not do anything. The following week I stayed overnight and he hugged the edge of the bed and did not want to be hugged or touched. That broke my heart. Now he has cut himself off from me completely. I see he is on facebook but never leaves me any word on my page that he has any interest in me or anything I post. I can see that you are angry. And you sound very like my, I shall call him, ex. Get help in any way you can, don't wait for those damn appointments, I'm not a therapist but Ive seen up close what happens when you come off meds. There is no cure for PTSD only managing it. Make it your mission to help yourself, albeit taking up art - do it for the child hiding away inside you to let her know you, the adult, are going to take care of everything. Painting has been known to lift those black clouds above your head. Yoga, exercise, meditation - dont let yourself slip into this pit of anger and lack of hope, There is hope. Dont wait for the 'professionals'. Reach out to local groups in your area, local classes, dancing, music, arts, local walking groups, anything that will distract you. You will find them if you take the time to look. Good luck and love to you friend. xxx
 
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