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I am so unhappy with everything and such a mess

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I rarely hit such a low point. It's usually when I feel completely stuck and unable to change anything, and this is how I feel now. I know logically it shouldn't be that way, but I still feel frozen as to change. Like I keep trying, but I'm in quicksand and the more I try and think I've improved the more I'm sinking.

In the present, I am really struggling. I eat badly, partially to cope, and partially just because I've lost the sense that I deserve better. I'm too tired to cook. I leave everything a mess a lot of the time, because what's the point. Then I fix it, but it never lasts long. I have very little energy. I dance on the weekends, but spend a lot of time depressed in bed during the week, so it's actually really unbalances, getting exhausted on weekends and then immobile during the week. I'm slowly more and more unsocial. I keep feeling depressed and slightly suicidal. I can't go to sleep. I've gained weight. Work feels like wasting time because I can't go on feeling like I'm feeling, so who cares if I can finally pay my bills? I don't feel proud at all, I feel like a mess. When I do chores I cry a lot. I'm slowly doing less and less things out of work and chores, letting go of relaxation, reading books, creative goals(drawing- like, is it possible to forget how in a month?I'm almost scared to try)....I need new clothes that fit me because of the weight gain, I need new stuff for the apartment because I moved, I need health checks and ...

There are so many things coming up in the future, but not ready to deal with them. Documents, and health checks and stuff that I don't want to do at all, because, for whom? I feel like I'm a wreck and I'm not sure how to fight for myself. I'm not sure if anything I do will ever change anything, and I know there is no logic to that, but I'm so tired of problems and issues and fixing one thing just to have to deal with another. There has been so much pain and death and so on with people around me too, and I feel so useless, all I can do is talk to them. I feel worthless.

And on top of that I'm having nightmares from my trauma every night, and trying not to go to sleep to avoid it. The anniversary of my rape is coming up too and it feels like that was the moment when I really started messing up everything and that doesn't really help either. I hate myself, and I don't like using the word hate, but it's where I'm at. I have anxiety meds, low dose, and they are sustaining me in sense of I'm still doing chores and work, I'm not completely immobilized by this...but it's not helping with the rest of this mess. And it's not like pills can solve the rest anyway, I know. I just feel so stuck, and I find no comfort in my past, present, or future. Everything feels so bland and useless and dark and I feel so useless and worthless and stuck.

And I'm sorry, I am. I hate thinking like this, let alone writing it. It's just that lately the days feel so painful and so endless and pointless and I'm trying to get through them....
 
Then I fix it, but it never lasts long.

One of those things that's totally a normal life thing, though. That just happens. Especially with cooking / other routine activities of that nature.

drawing- like, is it possible to forget how in a month?I'm almost scared to try)

That sounds to me as a challenge for something else: How soon you've forgotten, that'd be a month. How long it takes till you re-remember, learn it again? :tup:

Documents, and health checks and stuff that I don't want to do at all, because, for whom?
Is there anyone that could help you with that?

Eventually, are there any manuals for it? It's damned paperwork how to's, I bet there's got to be ton of people asking about the same thing.

I feel like I'm a wreck and I'm not sure how to fight for myself.

You're willing to fight. Half of the fight won.

I feel so useless, all I can do is talk to them.
Sometimes, all that people need is someone talking to them, even about things that seem meaningless; to them they're the world, that day.

worthless and stuck.
You are not worthless, & stuck? That's time for self care, I think.
 
The anniversary of my rape is coming up too and it feels like that was the moment when I really started messing up everything
Is it possible the anniversary is having a bigger impact on your mood than you give it credit for? Because I totally know the experience of being raped and that being the catalyst for my life falling apart, bt actually when you were raped it was when someone else messed everything up for you, and there's often huge amounts of grief that goes with that...

Either way, this sounds a lot like a depression downward spiral, yeah? You feel less and less like doing things because nothing really matters, so you do less and less and that fuels the feeling that everything is pointless.

The way I try and manage this type of downward spiral is to do things knowing in advance that I'm not going to want to do it. Pick off smaller things, break big tasks down into smaller ones, and acknowledge that anything you get done is an achievement right now. The "feeling better" part comes some time after we get momentum back into our life, not the other way around.

It sounds like you know your depression pretty well. Just know that with the anniversary looming, it makes sense that your mood is suffering, but it won't last. And you're not alone in this. We're with you through it, yeah?

Try and be gentle with yourself. It's a tough time and actually? You're doing great. You're gonna get through this. Life will get better for you, it really will.
 
Just wanted to say I could really relate and I hope you get through this painful, difficult time soon....
Thank you. Some things have been improving, I however am still bouncing between working on things and being completely frozen in pain, so yeah...this will take some time.
 
Is it possible the anniversary is having a bigger impact on your mood than you give it credit fo...
It's possible I guess. I've actually been trying to get myself out- to work, and clean, and get myself in nature, and to dance classes, even though I feel as far from it. Went really imperfectly but it was somewhat good, felt somewhat good for doing it. I do feel like I am in the downward spiral, especially my mood is really off...small things help, and making myself do these things even when I didn't want to helped a bit...but then today...

The anniversary was today. And I wasn't thinking about it at all. I wasn't feeling good, but I wasn't feeling bad either. But I had the strangest detachment reaction ever. Basically I had made plans with someone to see them mid-day so that I know I'll get out of the house...I did that, and when I came back it suddenly hit me- this wave of no energy and need to sleep. Being unable to fall asleep, but being detached and unable to get myself out of bed in the middle of the day. That happens to me sometimes when I'm triggered, except now it happened with no warning or reason that was immediate. I've just been that way today- not upset, just not present. And now I am totally relentless and restless and unable to sleep...again, with no immediate reason.

I hope in few days things will start getting better.
 
You are not worthless, & stuck? That's time for self care, I think.
Funny, I had the same thought. I think to add to what I was going through, I just stopped taking care of myself. No reading, no hobbies, no skin care, no proper nutrition or exercise, no cooking, no drawing, no distractions from how horrible I feel, no proper sleep, no socialization...
So yeah, no wonder I feel bad. Other than the obvious issues. I've neglected my body and my mind. I'm trying to reestablish all that slowly. Self-care. It's better on some days than others. I just work on small chunks and try to add that up over time...

I've actually tried looking through old drawings for inspiration. Still haven't gotten myself drawing, but I'm closer...
One of those things that's totally a normal life thing, though. That just happens. Especially with cooking / other routine activities of that nature.
The lack of routine is result of the issues I was having to fix rather than the cause. I meant that for short 6 period of time there have been way too many health issues, money issues, document issues, breakup, moving to new place, changing visa...And all things were unplanned small life problems that yes, do come up sometimes...but all of those were all within 6 months back to back...I fix something, then the next thing comes up...I guess my "stress cup" is sort of overflowing, even though I'm even telling myself that I'm dealing better than I expected...But considering my mental state, not sure that's true.

Is there anyone that could help you with that?
Actually I know where to ask and how to deal with the documents. It's just that the depression makes it really hard actually getting stuff done. Everything feels painfully longer and more tiring than it is, so it takes a lot longer to go through the whole process.
 
I rarely hit such a low point. It's usually when I feel completely stuck and unable to change any...

You're not alone. It's okay not to be okay, but you need to help yourself. Spend some time doing the things that you like. As for me, whenever I feel stuck I try to change the hobbies and activities that I've been doing. That sparks up my interest to discover new things. :)
 
I'm starting to realize may be I had a frozen anxiety week rather than being depressed?? Is that even possible? Kind of like you freeze for danger, but having that survival reaction because I was so stressed, overwhelmed and triggered...Still in it, but hoping it's just this week.
 
Have you tried guided meditations? If you google that you come up with hundreds of them. This is one of the big things that got me through the worst of times.
 
Have you tried guided meditations? If you google that you come up with hundreds of them. This is one...
To be honest no, haven't really meditated in years. I always mean to try and I always find it hard to be still for that long.

I used to do yoga following a channel on youtube where the teacher walked you through the poses while speaking about grounding your feet, having certain mantra for the day, accepting things, and when I do that yoga, it was always a bit like meditation. And when I did that I usually slept better...totally forgot about that though. Thanks for reminding me, I'll try.
 
Also coloring in coloring books can be meditative, as can knitting, crocheting; anything that requires concentration.
 
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