SeekingAfrica
Sponsor
I rarely hit such a low point. It's usually when I feel completely stuck and unable to change anything, and this is how I feel now. I know logically it shouldn't be that way, but I still feel frozen as to change. Like I keep trying, but I'm in quicksand and the more I try and think I've improved the more I'm sinking.
In the present, I am really struggling. I eat badly, partially to cope, and partially just because I've lost the sense that I deserve better. I'm too tired to cook. I leave everything a mess a lot of the time, because what's the point. Then I fix it, but it never lasts long. I have very little energy. I dance on the weekends, but spend a lot of time depressed in bed during the week, so it's actually really unbalances, getting exhausted on weekends and then immobile during the week. I'm slowly more and more unsocial. I keep feeling depressed and slightly suicidal. I can't go to sleep. I've gained weight. Work feels like wasting time because I can't go on feeling like I'm feeling, so who cares if I can finally pay my bills? I don't feel proud at all, I feel like a mess. When I do chores I cry a lot. I'm slowly doing less and less things out of work and chores, letting go of relaxation, reading books, creative goals(drawing- like, is it possible to forget how in a month?I'm almost scared to try)....I need new clothes that fit me because of the weight gain, I need new stuff for the apartment because I moved, I need health checks and ...
There are so many things coming up in the future, but not ready to deal with them. Documents, and health checks and stuff that I don't want to do at all, because, for whom? I feel like I'm a wreck and I'm not sure how to fight for myself. I'm not sure if anything I do will ever change anything, and I know there is no logic to that, but I'm so tired of problems and issues and fixing one thing just to have to deal with another. There has been so much pain and death and so on with people around me too, and I feel so useless, all I can do is talk to them. I feel worthless.
And on top of that I'm having nightmares from my trauma every night, and trying not to go to sleep to avoid it. The anniversary of my rape is coming up too and it feels like that was the moment when I really started messing up everything and that doesn't really help either. I hate myself, and I don't like using the word hate, but it's where I'm at. I have anxiety meds, low dose, and they are sustaining me in sense of I'm still doing chores and work, I'm not completely immobilized by this...but it's not helping with the rest of this mess. And it's not like pills can solve the rest anyway, I know. I just feel so stuck, and I find no comfort in my past, present, or future. Everything feels so bland and useless and dark and I feel so useless and worthless and stuck.
And I'm sorry, I am. I hate thinking like this, let alone writing it. It's just that lately the days feel so painful and so endless and pointless and I'm trying to get through them....
In the present, I am really struggling. I eat badly, partially to cope, and partially just because I've lost the sense that I deserve better. I'm too tired to cook. I leave everything a mess a lot of the time, because what's the point. Then I fix it, but it never lasts long. I have very little energy. I dance on the weekends, but spend a lot of time depressed in bed during the week, so it's actually really unbalances, getting exhausted on weekends and then immobile during the week. I'm slowly more and more unsocial. I keep feeling depressed and slightly suicidal. I can't go to sleep. I've gained weight. Work feels like wasting time because I can't go on feeling like I'm feeling, so who cares if I can finally pay my bills? I don't feel proud at all, I feel like a mess. When I do chores I cry a lot. I'm slowly doing less and less things out of work and chores, letting go of relaxation, reading books, creative goals(drawing- like, is it possible to forget how in a month?I'm almost scared to try)....I need new clothes that fit me because of the weight gain, I need new stuff for the apartment because I moved, I need health checks and ...
There are so many things coming up in the future, but not ready to deal with them. Documents, and health checks and stuff that I don't want to do at all, because, for whom? I feel like I'm a wreck and I'm not sure how to fight for myself. I'm not sure if anything I do will ever change anything, and I know there is no logic to that, but I'm so tired of problems and issues and fixing one thing just to have to deal with another. There has been so much pain and death and so on with people around me too, and I feel so useless, all I can do is talk to them. I feel worthless.
And on top of that I'm having nightmares from my trauma every night, and trying not to go to sleep to avoid it. The anniversary of my rape is coming up too and it feels like that was the moment when I really started messing up everything and that doesn't really help either. I hate myself, and I don't like using the word hate, but it's where I'm at. I have anxiety meds, low dose, and they are sustaining me in sense of I'm still doing chores and work, I'm not completely immobilized by this...but it's not helping with the rest of this mess. And it's not like pills can solve the rest anyway, I know. I just feel so stuck, and I find no comfort in my past, present, or future. Everything feels so bland and useless and dark and I feel so useless and worthless and stuck.
And I'm sorry, I am. I hate thinking like this, let alone writing it. It's just that lately the days feel so painful and so endless and pointless and I'm trying to get through them....