I been doing a lot of self analysis lately

jch

Learning
I really wanted to figure out my worst enemy, that constant, unrelenting, negative inner voice. I have really bad memory problems, but something clicked tonight. Everything I've ever done has been judged by someone growing up. I've been molested a couple times by different people, I've have a revolver forced down my pants, and when he cooked it my junk got caught in the rotation of the chamber. He thought that was funny. I've been beaten, burned, cut, hung. Surprise attacks at night. Singled out. Rejected time and again. Having to change yourself to fit any situation so you don't show weakness, a learned necessity. Because of my memory problems people would always assume I'm stupid. No, I'm not stupid. I just can't function...yet. anyway the point is to say That I got through all of that, but its this damn inner voice that drives me to suicide. From early on I was taught everything in life through scolding. Never explaining. While it did give me a love for learning, once I figured out how in my OWN way, it subconsciously tought me that that is how to learn,, and improve. I've been getting good advice on here and YouTube. I get it now that I kind of understand it a little. The inner voice helped me in so dark times. Taught me to bottle things up to use it as a weapon to defend my self. Yes, I know that's not good. It's on the to do list lol. But I don't need it anymore. I'm not in an extreme situation anymore, and haven't been in a decade at least. I don't know how to tone down my feelings instead of shutting them off though. My emotions are just so strong all the time. I seem to have understandable emotional respons most of the time, they are just cranked up to 10. All of them. I stopped going to the movies after I cried during a kids film lol. So that just get too embarrassing for a guy. Let alone a grown man. But hey. I'm taking a good look at things one at a time. Nothing is going to change if I don't get rid of that voice. But someone on YouTube told me that she swore on her life that I could get rid of it. So I'll try to get rid of it. Honestly she begged me, and it made me cry so hard. I have a few people in my life that care in their own way, but caring words aren't a thing in my family and friends. Having caring words directed at me like that got through. It cut through the voice. She did it, so can I. So now I take some baby steps. It's going to be hard, but I think I've found where to start, finally. So I'd like to thank her, and all the people here for the support. I really didn't feel like there was any hope, but now I at least have a small spark that hope to grow. Like I said baby steps. I get overwhelmed way too easy. Oh my I just saw how long this is lol. I had to write it out before I let just wash away. Memory.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you for sharing the message of hope. Happy to hear you are finding your way. Following a path of healing. Our paths don't all look the same and that's the great part.

Happy you are you feeling better. It's a hard road. But you are doing it. Baby steps. Too much too soon and we just get overwhelmed.

Thanks for sharing.
 

jch

Learning
Thanks for the support. The problems and solutions always seemed so vague to me before. I'm the type of person that needs a checklist. So I have a clear starting point. I got to say I'm also terrified. Life has kind of taught me that hope is like exposing a nerve just to have salt rubbed in it. Doing my best to counter that line of thinking. The physical response is bad though.
 
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