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I broke down over the weekend

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BlueWeepingRose

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This has been long overdue but I thought the need to mention this before I forget. This past weekend I broke down and was sobbing. It was so severe that my body was shaking and I couldn't stop crying. It just kept coming and coming. Things are improving with my therapist, but I can tell sometimes she seems frustrated. We're on a video call in our sessions and it's just the look on her face, I guess. It's been seven years since I left my abusive boyfriend. He raped me when we got together again after years of seeing each other and that's when the abuse got worse. I wish I didn't take him back, but his fake promises won me over again. Before I used to blame myself, but I no longer do this anymore. He was that convincing that he changed and that we'd be happy together, but as it turns out, things got a lot worse. Once he raped me, it was done. I finally saw him for who he was as a person and hated that I didn't see past all his lies and manipulation tactics.

At one point I thought I was just done with life, but since I got myself a therapist I can see improvement. The one bad day thing I do now is isolate myself from the outside world but it's out of fear. I hate admitting that I'm this scared, but I'm deathly scared. I never told anyone about this outside of my therapist. So I'm sharing this here. I'm scared of being hurt again, abused, manipulated, gaslighted, and more. I stopped trusting people entirely and I wish I could trust people again, but it's still a struggle for me.

A lot of people have told me to move on already and I wish I could, I want that, but I know things didn't help when my brother died. It opened up everything from my childhood when I was SA by my father as a child and the reason behind my brother's suicide was because of what my father did to us. I know my therapist understands and gets this. In our last session, I got really upset due to what she said and we worked it out afterward. I told her how the death of my brother didn't help any. It made my PTSD even worse, I feel like. I definitely have survivor's guilt. I'm going to try to put some effort in and try to get out in the world again, but I can't lie that I'm still terrified. I don't like living like this, but the anxiety is so intense. I hope someone out there understands simply by reading this and won't judge me. I know I may have rambled on here, but so much is on my mind. I feel like this is what PTSD does, it puts you in so much fear, that you're literally scared of everything. I am hopeful though. Supportive responses would be helpful. Thank you.
 
I’m doing really well right now and I’ve had years of therapy but
I'm scared of being hurt again
Yeah same. There are things I’ve managed to deal with triggers and such but there are some things that just sting a bit less and this is definitely one of them.

It’s hard when our close circle can’t understand that we can’t just “get over it and move on”. If we could we wouldn’t have been diagnosed with ptsd. If we could we would. We don’t want to live in the worst things that’s ever happened to us. Forced to relive them again and again. No one would chose this. That’s why it’s so important that spaces like this exist because we understand each other. We know the struggle. Keep posting, by being here you’re also helping other people feel less alone and feel seen.
 
This has been long overdue but I thought the need to mention this before I forget. This past weekend I broke down and was sobbing. It was so severe that my body was shaking and I couldn't stop crying. It just kept coming and coming. Things are improving with my therapist, but I can tell sometimes she seems frustrated. We're on a video call in our sessions and it's just the look on her face, I guess. It's been seven years since I left my abusive boyfriend. He raped me when we got together again after years of seeing each other and that's when the abuse got worse. I wish I didn't take him back, but his fake promises won me over again. Before I used to blame myself, but I no longer do this anymore. He was that convincing that he changed and that we'd be happy together, but as it turns out, things got a lot worse. Once he raped me, it was done. I finally saw him for who he was as a person and hated that I didn't see past all his lies and manipulation tactics.

At one point I thought I was just done with life, but since I got myself a therapist I can see improvement. The one bad day thing I do now is isolate myself from the outside world but it's out of fear. I hate admitting that I'm this scared, but I'm deathly scared. I never told anyone about this outside of my therapist. So I'm sharing this here. I'm scared of being hurt again, abused, manipulated, gaslighted, and more. I stopped trusting people entirely and I wish I could trust people again, but it's still a struggle for me.

A lot of people have told me to move on already and I wish I could, I want that, but I know things didn't help when my brother died. It opened up everything from my childhood when I was SA by my father as a child and the reason behind my brother's suicide was because of what my father did to us. I know my therapist understands and gets this. In our last session, I got really upset due to what she said and we worked it out afterward. I told her how the death of my brother didn't help any. It made my PTSD even worse, I feel like. I definitely have survivor's guilt. I'm going to try to put some effort in and try to get out in the world again, but I can't lie that I'm still terrified. I don't like living like this, but the anxiety is so intense. I hope someone out there understands simply by reading this and won't judge me. I know I may have rambled on here, but so much is on my mind. I feel like this is what PTSD does, it puts you in so much fear, that you're literally scared of everything. I am hopeful though. Supportive responses would be helpful. Thank you.
First of all, don't apologize for letting out your feelings. You have every right to go on about the things that affect you or that are important to you and that's 100% valid! This should be a safe space for survivor's expression.

It's not your fault if a therapist working with you feels frustrated at any time. Professionals are there to help you, it is their job and are literally getting paid for it. It's their responsibility to handle the feelings of maybe not seeing the results expected or having to go again for an already walked path, if that makes any sense.

What you have gone through is absolutely horrible and no one should ever go through such heartbreaking events. It's more than understandable that you're scared. I won't tell you trusting on others again is easy or just "comes naturally" because it doesn't. It takes a lot, a lot of work and patience to trust again. But take it one day at a time, you're still making progress even if you don't always feel like it.

That's the thing with trauma: you can't just "get over it" or "move on", it literally changes the way our brain works forever. Don't overbeat yourself and don't listen to people who don't know what they're talking about. I know how hurtful and insensitive those comments can be and it's not as easy as it sounds to just ignore them, but it's an important reminder to have.

There isn't anything I can *really* do to take away your fear or to make things get magically okay, but what i can tell you is that it won't always be like this. I want to believe it won't. I know how haunting it is to live with fear everyday, and it's not something you can just change from one day to another. you're not alone, you're not the only one who's going through this and you don't have to face your feels alone. if it's possible to distance from your abusers if you haven't already done it, please stay away as far as you can from them. surround yourself from people who genuinely cares about you and wants to help. there will always be people who is willing to help. there are treatments, forums, communities, groups, therapy, medication and so much more resources available that can make your recovery successful. i know this might not even make things better but i just want to remind you that someone in this world supports you and cares about you. take care and im here if you ever need anything <3 xx
 
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