BlueWeepingRose
Confident
This has been long overdue but I thought the need to mention this before I forget. This past weekend I broke down and was sobbing. It was so severe that my body was shaking and I couldn't stop crying. It just kept coming and coming. Things are improving with my therapist, but I can tell sometimes she seems frustrated. We're on a video call in our sessions and it's just the look on her face, I guess. It's been seven years since I left my abusive boyfriend. He raped me when we got together again after years of seeing each other and that's when the abuse got worse. I wish I didn't take him back, but his fake promises won me over again. Before I used to blame myself, but I no longer do this anymore. He was that convincing that he changed and that we'd be happy together, but as it turns out, things got a lot worse. Once he raped me, it was done. I finally saw him for who he was as a person and hated that I didn't see past all his lies and manipulation tactics.
At one point I thought I was just done with life, but since I got myself a therapist I can see improvement. The one bad day thing I do now is isolate myself from the outside world but it's out of fear. I hate admitting that I'm this scared, but I'm deathly scared. I never told anyone about this outside of my therapist. So I'm sharing this here. I'm scared of being hurt again, abused, manipulated, gaslighted, and more. I stopped trusting people entirely and I wish I could trust people again, but it's still a struggle for me.
A lot of people have told me to move on already and I wish I could, I want that, but I know things didn't help when my brother died. It opened up everything from my childhood when I was SA by my father as a child and the reason behind my brother's suicide was because of what my father did to us. I know my therapist understands and gets this. In our last session, I got really upset due to what she said and we worked it out afterward. I told her how the death of my brother didn't help any. It made my PTSD even worse, I feel like. I definitely have survivor's guilt. I'm going to try to put some effort in and try to get out in the world again, but I can't lie that I'm still terrified. I don't like living like this, but the anxiety is so intense. I hope someone out there understands simply by reading this and won't judge me. I know I may have rambled on here, but so much is on my mind. I feel like this is what PTSD does, it puts you in so much fear, that you're literally scared of everything. I am hopeful though. Supportive responses would be helpful. Thank you.
At one point I thought I was just done with life, but since I got myself a therapist I can see improvement. The one bad day thing I do now is isolate myself from the outside world but it's out of fear. I hate admitting that I'm this scared, but I'm deathly scared. I never told anyone about this outside of my therapist. So I'm sharing this here. I'm scared of being hurt again, abused, manipulated, gaslighted, and more. I stopped trusting people entirely and I wish I could trust people again, but it's still a struggle for me.
A lot of people have told me to move on already and I wish I could, I want that, but I know things didn't help when my brother died. It opened up everything from my childhood when I was SA by my father as a child and the reason behind my brother's suicide was because of what my father did to us. I know my therapist understands and gets this. In our last session, I got really upset due to what she said and we worked it out afterward. I told her how the death of my brother didn't help any. It made my PTSD even worse, I feel like. I definitely have survivor's guilt. I'm going to try to put some effort in and try to get out in the world again, but I can't lie that I'm still terrified. I don't like living like this, but the anxiety is so intense. I hope someone out there understands simply by reading this and won't judge me. I know I may have rambled on here, but so much is on my mind. I feel like this is what PTSD does, it puts you in so much fear, that you're literally scared of everything. I am hopeful though. Supportive responses would be helpful. Thank you.