I Budged the Needle! Biggest Accomplishment in YEARS! Re: Moving Away From Self Hatred

EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
I am somewhat hesitant to celebrate just yet, as I’m trying to solidify this and not backslide, however this is the biggest move forward that I’ve had in years, even though I’m saying I “budged the needle” LOL.

So anyway…

I know that some of you know my post history here and my struggles with self hate. I know @joeylittle has tried to help me in the past and IIRC she gave the advice that sometimes all we can do is hope to move to a more neutral position when dealing with the issue of self worth. (Joey please correct me if I’m wrong, but this was my takeaway from a reply you made to one of my posts years ago, which would probably take awhile to find, but I digress!)

So this “needle” was pretty much encased in a ton of concrete. There was pretty much nothing I could do to move away from it for more than a fleeting moment or two. It was the idea that I am a horrible person, and I would do anything and everything in my power to prove that I am evil and hated by everyone I know. (This was pretty much a full time job and caused a lot of destruction.)

Last week I had a breakdown in front of my mom. It was a true moment of despair and feeling alone due to being such an awful person. She looked at me and said “you aren’t a bad person, you just do bad things sometimes.” And for some reason, in that moment, that statement was just enough to make me think. It caused a crack in the facade where I’m now able to accept that my mom cares about me. She’s only one person but this is HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE!

I feel odd saying this is an accomplishment but for me, it really is. It’s difficult to even put the shift into words.

At one point it was so bad that I would literally scream at my parents that they never loved me. (Sad to say, I think the last time I did this was less than a year ago?) I would use any little thing as proof that someone hated me. (I did this with my ex a lot.)

If anything, maybe someone else who struggles similarly will read this and see that this kind of change can happen, many years into healing, even when you’ve given up hope that things will change.

I have a lot more work to do, but for now I’m trying to live in this moment and solidify this movement forward without backsliding.

To go from “I am evil and everyone hates me” to “it is possible to be cared about and loved” is pretty damn huge for me given how badly my mind was entrenched in those thoughts. I am not going to lie, I am just so happy as moving away from that extreme is nothing less than miraculous given how much hatred I had for myself. I just hope I can build upon this.

Thanks for reading ❤️❤️❤️
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
in remediation of my own self-loathing, i take the time to celebrate each and every "budge of the needle" without worrying the backsliding angle. old habits die hard and every time i budge that proverbial needle i grow a bit more skilled and confident in plying the therapy tools to restore my damaged self-esteem. celebrating the small victories is a positive affirmation toward that goal. i'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
sometimes all we can do is hope to move to a more neutral position when dealing with the issue of self worth.
Yep, I remember saying that - it's something I've learned, and remind myself of, often.
I feel odd saying this is an accomplishment but for me, it really is. It’s difficult to even put the shift into words.
I get it - and it IS an accomplishment. Both that you were able to hear what your mom was saying, AND that you were able to observe this happening:
And for some reason, in that moment, that statement was just enough to make me think. It caused a crack in the facade where I’m now able to accept that my mom cares about me. She’s only one person but this is HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE!
Thank you for sharing about this, Eve. I'm so glad to hear you've been able to experience this kind of shift, and the relief that comes with it.
I am not going to lie, I am just so happy as moving away from that extreme is nothing less than miraculous given how much hatred I had for myself. I just hope I can build upon this.
You can. It's not always linear, but it's these moments of change that we can hold onto and use as the evidence that it IS possible to feel differently. That's (IMO) how it all works. Making this post is also a strong choice, as a way of capturing this moment in your life. Seriously, great work.
 
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