I can’t believe that I told T THAT?

Skywatcher

MyPTSD Pro
Today, I told T that my sexual fantasies are f*cked up and part of my self harm. I’ve talked around this for years, but I laid it ALL out on the table. Even worse yet, I told her that I trust her and asked her, “when the hell did this happen?” She was all genuine smiles today. At the end she told me that I’m still Skywatcher and she is still T. Now I’m feeling like hiding might be a good plan. I don’t regret any of this, but after 4+ years of work with her I said this bad thing, and she isn’t leaving.

Anything that you have told your T, that you wish o share? Good, bad,funny, scary? How did it make you feel?
 

Freida

MyPTSD Pro
Anything that you have told your T, that you wish o share? Good, bad,funny, scary? How did it make you feel?
yep.
Just yesterday as a matter of fact! 😁

Fessing up to the really bad stuff always makes me feel like puking - and that she is going to run screaming for the exits because she knows what kind of horrific nut case I am and that I'm far more than she signed up for and that she can't stand to be in the same room with me and on and on and on....que the dramatic music!

And oddly, it felt way better because once again it once again reinforced the idea that I can trust her.
Plus she laughs with me about some of the really crap stuff that requires dark humor to deal with!
 

FauxLiz

Sponsor
Wow this must be dark reveal week. @Skywatcher and @Freida I too told my T this week something that I have talked around in therapy for years and he was actually okay with it and didn't run screaming from the session. I will be honest I don't think he has ever dealt with anything like this before as he let me know he is going to talk to his supervising/training therapist (which is saying a lot as this is a group practice and he is the primary/owner) I am not sure how I feel about things yet but I hope things that it gets better soon.
 

Skywatcher

MyPTSD Pro
@FauxLiz, I’m pretty sure that my T has dealt with my issue before, but maybe not a female client. I actually brought this stuff up because I was avoiding doing emdr on mommy issues. Only to realize that the shame I feel is related to my upbringing.
 
I’d briefly mentioned my unexplainable experiences to all of my past T. I also mentioned this to my PCP. Yet in hind-sight, I think I only confused them into thinking either, I was suffering from delusions, hallucinations or unconsciously fabricating these experiences. I only mentioned them because they had increased my hyper-vigilance while disrupting my thoughts and focus during the day.

Such experiences have caused me to habitually scan my surrounding environment for the slightest movements. Then too, with one ear listening for unusual sounds this has kept me from easily dozing off to sleep at night.

Is this something my T should know or should I avoid mentioning it since it’s not explainable. I can’t even say with any certainty that these experiences were real. The premise being that if something appears to be illogical then it must not be real therefore, it must be in ones mind. So what’s the fix for this if, it can’t be addressed in therapy - anti-psychotic drugs. Otherwise, it’s good luck learning how to cope with it on your own.

I only wanted my T to better understand some of the the reasons behind my anxiety and hyper-vigilance. I knew this wasn’t going to help me resolve anything. Yet in away, telling them only increased my feelings of isolation.

In regards to any of the horrific thoughts that have occasionally popped up in my mind —these are only thoughts. They can seem powerful, especially when I’m trying to block them out of my awareness which, reminds me of my past penis phobia and of my intense effort in not wanting to admit its existence during my therapy.

Thoughts can seem powerful yet, this power isn’t coming from the forbidden thought itself, but rather from me, in my attempt to kept it below my awareness. It's like dreaming, where, I might be dreaming of doing something extremely shameful that, I’d never do in real life.

The pressure might be similar to holding an air-fulled balloon under water where it seems to be pushing back. Yet once it reaches the water’s surface (my awareness) it simply floats away. Like cloud shapes, thoughts in themselves are pretty fragile and fleeting. And only when they are recognized can they then be discarded.

During my mid 20s, I tried to explain my disturbingly weird thoughts and visualizations to my first T. He responded by telling me that, these were only my imagination and that, he could prescribe drugs for it but that, I wouldn’t like them. So he suggested that I learn to tolerate my imagination which, hasn’t been easy though much easier than it was.
 
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Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
Today, I told T that my sexual fantasies are f*cked up and part of my self harm. I’ve talked around this for years, but I laid it ALL out on the table.
Been there done that too @Skywatcher. The sexual stuff is always hard. Mostly because of shame created by school, church, and society. But as for laying it all out, even when it hurts - you gotta do it, there is no such thing as TMI.

Sex is part of you. It is part of the whole person. It got really screwed up if your trauma happened in childhood, and even more if there was SA.

My T has always told me she is the Queen of Weird and I have taken her word for it. I have also approached therapy fully open and trusting my T because she is a professional and has been trained to help me, even with the embarrassing stuff. In the end she usually points something out I never thought of before, or exposes things from a different point of view.

If it bothers me enough to tell my T its probably something I need to deal with either now or later.
 
Of the five or more T that, I’ve had since age 20, none of my T asked me about my sexual fantasies nor did I ever bring up my sexual fantasies to them. My T likely knew I wasn’t often sexually active. So, they just never asked. Then too, I’d assume that, my sexual fantasies would be a different topic and likely unrelated to my relationships.

Only my first T discussed my sexual activities with me, after triggering me numerously times during my first four years of therapy. Yet once I began to openly talk about my dating experiences and CSA, he then stopped triggering me. I stopped dating at age 28 while, telling my T that, I still had unresolved sexual problems yet, he insisted that I had none that I couldn't resolve on my own. I wanted to believe him. I continued to see him for four more years until his death. During those remaining years, my lack of sexual activity was never addressed.

I really hadn’t explored my own sexual feelings much at all before age 24. I’d assumed sexual feelings weren’t healthy for a single person like myself. If I’d been married that woulld have been different and important in maintaining a healthy marriage. Yet, I never felt very comfortable with my sexual feelings. Likely, my CSA plus my awareness of my father’s sexual self-gratification lead to this problems. But because I was not having any meaningful intimacy nor orgasms, I didn’t see this as being a significant problem until my mid 40s.

I did see my second T until age 46 but never did address my sexual problem during that therapy. He was only treating me for stress management and had no interest in my past history nor my relationships. In 1988, during my 10th year with him, he asked me, out of the blue, if, I’d been a sexually abused child. I told him, no, while he then advising me to see another T for CSA. This topic was never addressed again in therapy though, I saw him for two more years.

As for having sexual fantasies that aren’t acceptable within a real loving relationship they are only fantasies and not wish fulfillments. I’d think (and this is just my perspective, as a CSA sufferer and lifelong loner) that, the sexual tension in itself seems so alarming, as if, to be a near death scenario that, an equally strong scenrio might be created for bacing out of this fantasy. So then, how might I prevent myself from backing out — by means of an entrapment fantasy. This entrapment fantasy need not be hurtful at all, but rather it seems to make the ‘backing out’ seem impossible. However, I’d assume that, rape sufferers might be triggered by such an entrapment fantasy. I don't feel comfortable with it either.

If the entrapment fantasy seems demeaning, it might only be in the sense that, the fantasy partner demands that their partner not back out, as they desire to share these sexual feelings with them. Still this also freaky me out.

Thus, for me, my fantasy partner will always simply vanish from my mind. They aren’t real people nor do they really touch me. I don’t know how people can stay interested in their own sexual self-gratification. I lose interest.

Perhaps, my childhood sexual abuse led me to believe that sexual feelings only belonged to my father and that, even pleasant affectionate feelings weren’t to shared with others. My father was very aloof.
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
My T is usually happy with me when I confess I did bad or responded in a way I shouldn't have. Because I'm aware of it and can thence make changes moving forward.

It takes bravery to bare to anyone, even ourselves. So my piece to share is good job to everyone working with their T. I've cried, trembled and almost puked several several times with my T.
It's ultimately for the greater good!!
 
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