Strangelongtrip
MyPTSD Pro
Hey all!!
I’m feeling really guilty and angry at myself right now. I’ve been talking to someone since August and we’re friends. Like I know we’re friends, but I would flirt here and there and they would flirt back. I thought I had feelings for them. We talk every day, video call, share deep things etc. it’s a good friendship.
I think I read into stuff again, maybe. I don’t know. I’m done trying to figure it out. They told me they loved me (but I think as a friend, obviously) and something switched in me. I don’t want to put in any more effort into this. I don’t know if I’m afraid of my feelings or I don’t want to be cared about or I just am really depressed and feel nothing right now.
Lately I’ve felt overwhelmed and smothered by them. I hit a depression spell, a PTSD episode, and then a lot of my BPD symptoms came back, and now I almost wish I wasn’t talking to them at all. I have trouble caring about them (and all of my friends, honestly, are annoying me right now and I want to be left alone).
I feel super, super bored. I mean with them, with life, but honestly mostly with them. And I’m ambivalent—I actually don’t know if I want to date them, and honestly I don’t think I ever did (one point I wrote in my journal that one day if they every asked I would marry them, but now I honestly can’t think of anything worse than being in a couple with anyone).
I don’t know if I’m rejecting them to avoid rejection myself, if my feelings really did change, or I just...gave up. I am so terrified of rejection. I feel like it’s all I get anymore. Or if I can’t feel romantic feelings. I don’t know if I even want to be in a couple like...ever. Every time I date someone I feel smothered and also triggered (my ptsd mainly comes from romantic relationships). I feel like I’m broken. All of my friends almost are in long term romantic relationships. I feel like something is wrong with me, both for not being in a relationship and also not wanting to be in one
A few days ago I was complaining to my friend that no one wants to date me and I’ll never find romantic love and now I feel like I never ever want to date someone or commit to anyone. I get confused too because when they do text me a lot my gut reaction is annoyance, like I just want to be left alone, but then when they don’t respond to me I get panicky. Like CLASSIC I hate you don’t leave me BPD behavior (except I’m being stable and kind and consistent even though god, I’m sick of it. It’s so boring. I won’t do anything mean or ghost but I just am so frustrated. I know I need to communicate that I need more space but I hate being alone too.)
I’m having trouble sorting my feelings out too, but I feel like they deserve someone who isn’t ambivalent about them and actually can care. I can pretend to care, but I don’t. I just feel like I’m a monster or something and I shouldn’t subject people to caring about me.
For reference I’m in my early twenties, so maybe this will change with age, it’s just like. I feel so broken. I haven’t really been in a relationship for the last 3-4 years because I was working on myself.
I’m feeling really guilty and angry at myself right now. I’ve been talking to someone since August and we’re friends. Like I know we’re friends, but I would flirt here and there and they would flirt back. I thought I had feelings for them. We talk every day, video call, share deep things etc. it’s a good friendship.
I think I read into stuff again, maybe. I don’t know. I’m done trying to figure it out. They told me they loved me (but I think as a friend, obviously) and something switched in me. I don’t want to put in any more effort into this. I don’t know if I’m afraid of my feelings or I don’t want to be cared about or I just am really depressed and feel nothing right now.
Lately I’ve felt overwhelmed and smothered by them. I hit a depression spell, a PTSD episode, and then a lot of my BPD symptoms came back, and now I almost wish I wasn’t talking to them at all. I have trouble caring about them (and all of my friends, honestly, are annoying me right now and I want to be left alone).
I feel super, super bored. I mean with them, with life, but honestly mostly with them. And I’m ambivalent—I actually don’t know if I want to date them, and honestly I don’t think I ever did (one point I wrote in my journal that one day if they every asked I would marry them, but now I honestly can’t think of anything worse than being in a couple with anyone).
I don’t know if I’m rejecting them to avoid rejection myself, if my feelings really did change, or I just...gave up. I am so terrified of rejection. I feel like it’s all I get anymore. Or if I can’t feel romantic feelings. I don’t know if I even want to be in a couple like...ever. Every time I date someone I feel smothered and also triggered (my ptsd mainly comes from romantic relationships). I feel like I’m broken. All of my friends almost are in long term romantic relationships. I feel like something is wrong with me, both for not being in a relationship and also not wanting to be in one
A few days ago I was complaining to my friend that no one wants to date me and I’ll never find romantic love and now I feel like I never ever want to date someone or commit to anyone. I get confused too because when they do text me a lot my gut reaction is annoyance, like I just want to be left alone, but then when they don’t respond to me I get panicky. Like CLASSIC I hate you don’t leave me BPD behavior (except I’m being stable and kind and consistent even though god, I’m sick of it. It’s so boring. I won’t do anything mean or ghost but I just am so frustrated. I know I need to communicate that I need more space but I hate being alone too.)
I’m having trouble sorting my feelings out too, but I feel like they deserve someone who isn’t ambivalent about them and actually can care. I can pretend to care, but I don’t. I just feel like I’m a monster or something and I shouldn’t subject people to caring about me.
For reference I’m in my early twenties, so maybe this will change with age, it’s just like. I feel so broken. I haven’t really been in a relationship for the last 3-4 years because I was working on myself.