I can’t feel romantic feelings/my BPD and ambivalent feelings

[Strangelongtrip]

Hey all!!

I’m feeling really guilty and angry at myself right now. I’ve been talking to someone since August and we’re friends. Like I know we’re friends, but I would flirt here and there and they would flirt back. I thought I had feelings for them. We talk every day, video call, share deep things etc. it’s a good friendship.

I think I read into stuff again, maybe. I don’t know. I’m done trying to figure it out. They told me they loved me (but I think as a friend, obviously) and something switched in me. I don’t want to put in any more effort into this. I don’t know if I’m afraid of my feelings or I don’t want to be cared about or I just am really depressed and feel nothing right now.

Lately I’ve felt overwhelmed and smothered by them. I hit a depression spell, a PTSD episode, and then a lot of my BPD symptoms came back, and now I almost wish I wasn’t talking to them at all. I have trouble caring about them (and all of my friends, honestly, are annoying me right now and I want to be left alone).

I feel super, super bored. I mean with them, with life, but honestly mostly with them. And I’m ambivalent—I actually don’t know if I want to date them, and honestly I don’t think I ever did (one point I wrote in my journal that one day if they every asked I would marry them, but now I honestly can’t think of anything worse than being in a couple with anyone).

I don’t know if I’m rejecting them to avoid rejection myself, if my feelings really did change, or I just...gave up. I am so terrified of rejection. I feel like it’s all I get anymore. Or if I can’t feel romantic feelings. I don’t know if I even want to be in a couple like...ever. Every time I date someone I feel smothered and also triggered (my ptsd mainly comes from romantic relationships). I feel like I’m broken. All of my friends almost are in long term romantic relationships. I feel like something is wrong with me, both for not being in a relationship and also not wanting to be in one

A few days ago I was complaining to my friend that no one wants to date me and I’ll never find romantic love and now I feel like I never ever want to date someone or commit to anyone. I get confused too because when they do text me a lot my gut reaction is annoyance, like I just want to be left alone, but then when they don’t respond to me I get panicky. Like CLASSIC I hate you don’t leave me BPD behavior (except I’m being stable and kind and consistent even though god, I’m sick of it. It’s so boring. I won’t do anything mean or ghost but I just am so frustrated. I know I need to communicate that I need more space but I hate being alone too.)

I’m having trouble sorting my feelings out too, but I feel like they deserve someone who isn’t ambivalent about them and actually can care. I can pretend to care, but I don’t. I just feel like I’m a monster or something and I shouldn’t subject people to caring about me.

For reference I’m in my early twenties, so maybe this will change with age, it’s just like. I feel so broken. I haven’t really been in a relationship for the last 3-4 years because I was working on myself.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

today half the day I thought I was like some cool character, who I used to be, who never got heartbroken and always was the heartbreaker because I didn't actually care about the people that I was dating, and I would manipulate myself to be who they wanted, never who I actually was, except this time I was myself, and I felt SO GOOD. And then they said they loved me as a friend again and I've been spiraling again. It's not even real. There's something seriously wrong with me.

 

[Friday]

I would manipulate myself to be who they wanted, never who I actually was, except this time I was myself, and I felt SO GOOD.

Woohoo!!! Congrats! Veeeeee-k-tor-eeeeee. You now know it CAN be done. You can be the most badass version of YOURSELF, and feel amazing being yourself. That, is huge. A giant, colossal, towering victory. Stamina? Takes practice. Just does. But the more time you spend being your best? The easier it becomes, as you become stronger, more practiced at holding that center. Until it’s rare that you’re not being your best self. Really. Well done.

And then they said they loved me as a friend again and I've been spiraling again.

That’s about them, and their life, not about you. Which can be a weird/hard thing to remember... especially when you’ve got the manipulation skills to totally mindf*ck them, to twist and coerce them into doing what you want them to do (instead of showing them the respect of being who they are and making decisions for their own life), and are electing not to use those skills. And, NOT using those skills? They. Still. Effing. Love. YOU. Whether they don’t want to be in a romantic relationship now (or ever, but friends -real friends- get together all the time, once things are right in both of their lives), they still want YOU in their life. You being yourself. Not you pretending to be someone else to manipulate them into wanting you in their life... but just you. Are wanted. As you are. No strings. That’s kinda freaking awesome.

It’s totally fair if you don’t want them in your life, if it’s not in a romantic role. But they want you in theirs.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Woohoo!!! Congrats! Veeeeee-k-tor-eeeeee. You now know it CAN be done. You can be the most badass version of YOURSELF, and feel amazing being yourself. That, is huge. A giant, colossal, towering victory. Stamina? Takes practice. Just does. But the more time you spend being your best? The easier it becomes, as you become stronger, more practiced at holding that center. Until it’s rare that you’re not being your best self. Really. Well done.

I honestly didn't even think of it like that but omg you make me feel so good!! thank you so much. I was really worried that I was going to regress into being "bad" again but tbh I think I can be the nice, kind, and caring part of me and the intriguing interesting and fun part too. That's how I felt most myself today--cheeky, offbeat, avant garde, but still caring and sweet.

That’s about them, and their life, not about you. Which can be a weird/hard thing to remember... especially when you’ve got the manipulation skills to totally mindf*ck them, to twist and coerce them into doing what you want them to do (instead of showing them the respect of being who they are and making decisions for their own life), and are electing not to use those skills. And, NOT using those skills? They. Still. Effing. Love. YOU. Whether they don’t want to be in a romantic relationship now (or ever, but friends -real friends- get together all the time, once things are right in both of their lives), they still want YOU in their life. You being yourself. Not you pretending to be someone else to manipulate them into wanting you in their life... but just you. Are wanted. As you are. No strings. That’s kinda freaking awesome.

It’s totally fair if you don’t want them in your life, if it’s not in a romantic role. But they want you in theirs.

Thank you for putting this into perspective!! It's so weird to have people love me for me and not who I show them. This is the first person that I've felt romantically interested in that I haven't twisted myself in some way for, and I guess I should celebrate that!! I am myself with friends but this is different.

I'm going to just choose to be grateful for being loved I think. Honestly we've both talked about it and are both not in a place for a romantic relationshi, but for some reason I still get spun out if people don't want me that way (but when they do? I also get upset. I got a lot more interpersonal trauma stuff to work on).

I want them in my life. I think I'm a little scared of the feelings I have, and them having power over me like that. Sometimes I try to twist myself so I don't feel those things. It's so, so scary to me to truly like someone in that way for THEM, not for who they showed me, or how I showed them. Thank you again Friday.