I can’t feel unless I’m drinking. CSA and struggling.

limewitch

New Here
I just joined this site. I’m a young adult struggling to come to terms with everything I dealt with in my youth. I’m about four shots in now

I was molested by my father when I was young. I blocked all of it out until I was 17 when my older half sister told our mom about his abuse. She didn’t say anything earlier because she thought it wouldn’t happen to me. She wasn’t his kid. She thought he’d love me like he was supposed to. She was wrong. I’ve spent the last few years trying not to hold it against her but it’s difficult

I held it together for a while after finding that out. I had just graduated high school and I was hopeful for the future. Then the pandemic hit. I was on a cocktail of psych meds that I wasn’t taking regularly. I went off the rails. I overdosed, was hospitalized, cheated on my partner with my psych hospital roommate, tried to commit again, and was sent to rehab across the country by my mom and step father. I spent three months there, then one of the people I met there committed after he was released. I called him my dad in those months. I went off the rails again. I ran away from the facility, trekking miles through the mountains in august. I ended up going back after a few days, but I pushed hard to get released. I was out in two weeks. I went home and immediately relapsed. After a while, my step father kicked me out. I moved across the country on a bus. I’ve lived in this place over a year now. I feel mostly safe, and I think my mind is finally trying to process everything. It’s too much though. It’s gotten to the point where I get drunk just to sob about the past. I hide my drinking from my roommates. I don’t enjoy drinking in an “it’s fun” sense. I enjoy it because I can cry about the past and feel the pain entirely. I tried to go a week without drinking and I couldn’t. Yesterday I drank again, on day five of sobriety. I spent an hour pacing before I finally gave in. I don’t know what to do. I’m uninsured out here and I feel incapable of doing anything to improve myself.

I am terrified of getting close to people. I had a partner for a while, but I started having flashbacks any time things got intimate. I ended things. I used to sleep around! I don’t know why I turned on a dime. All I feel that I can do is drink about it.

I’ve tried to talk to my mom, but she shuts down, and makes it about herself. I feel so alone and I don’t want to be here anymore. Grappling with this is insurmountable
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry for what you have been through.

My story is different, but I also used to use drink and drugs to cope (for me it was to help to block out and to justify emotional turmoil I think).

Do you have a therapist or someone to support you outside of your family and friends?
Sounds like this is now too much to manage on your own?

This site is great for emotional support and learning from each other. But support in real life is crucial.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
hello limewitch. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

drugs and/or alcohol can, indeed, numb the senses far enough to make it possible to open up about the stuff we repress for the sake of functioning, but, sadly, it loses its effectiveness over time. here's to hoping you can find more sustainable solutions.

gentle support while you find your way. i hope you find healing companionship here.
 

Sideways

Moderator
I don’t enjoy drinking in an “it’s fun” sense. I enjoy it because I can cry about the past and feel the pain entirely.
The thing about therapy is that it processes emotions in a way that helps you process them, and move forward. It sounds unlikely that sobbing drunk is achieving the same thing (not a judgmental statement, I used getting blind drunk for a while). And if it's not helping you process the emotions, then it's potentially just getting you immersed and stuck in them, without other coping skills to help you move forward...?
I tried to go a week without drinking and I couldn’t.
Lower your standards. "I made it 4 days". That was a successful 4 days. So, aim for 4 days, then reassess.

And use that 4 days to work overtime finding other supports. Which leads us to...
I don’t know what to do.
Support system to stabilise. Learning coping skills, with someone who can be there to prop you up. Get yourself to the point where being alive, here, now, doesn't send you spiralling. That's the first step.

AA meetings may be an option there. It doesn't need to start huge. A trauma therapist is potentially going to be a game changer, but start small. Small enough that the goals aren't overwhelming and too hard.

You got this. You've been through the wringer. You came out the other side. Now we rebuild. With the help of people who know how to do that. How to help you do that.
 

wisteria

Confident
I used to do that- drink in order to feel something. i thought I was the only one. I thought most people drank in order to forget. so thank you for sharing that I'm not the only one! everything still haunts me tho, so I can definitely relate to Sideways post about not processing the emotions, just getting stuck in them. I'd drink, cry and ultimately feel worse. how are you doing? you can always post here.
 

Dolce

Learning
I can relate intensely with alot of this, esp the fam dynamics although for me my stepfather, the drinking to cope and numb yet also feel things at the same time. Coming from a chaotic upbringing like ours it is hard to form healthy relationships. We deserve them too. We didn't deserve the PTSD we got from our upbringings. You sound strong to have survived what you have.
 
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