I can’t get a hold of myself long enough to make any lasting change

T

Toki

I would like to start off by saying I grew up in a great family, I had a loving brother a loving mother and a loving father. My parents did end up getting divorced and along the way there were a lot of hardship however I can’t seem to get over the long term mental ailments that come with early childhood sexual abuse. I wasn’t sure if Anybody here had some success story because to be quite frank from the outside in my life looks perfect I’m not well off but I’m certainly not poor, I’m about to be married soon and I plan to be a father however I’m not sure I’m gonna make it that far because my head just isn’t right. I’ve had psychologist and therapist tell me my entire life that all I had to do was a B in C and things would get better and better actually just gotten worse. I just need somebody, Anybody in the same situation to tell me something could change because nothing I seem to do helps
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
I would like to start off by saying I grew up in a great family, I had a loving brother a loving mother and a loving father. My parents did end up getting divorced and along the way there were a lot of hardship however I can’t seem to get over the long term mental ailments that come with early childhood sexual abuse. I wasn’t sure if Anybody here had some success story because to be quite frank from the outside in my life looks perfect I’m not well off but I’m certainly not poor, I’m about to be married soon and I plan to be a father however I’m not sure I’m gonna make it that far because my head just isn’t right. I’ve had psychologist and therapist tell me my entire life that all I had to do was a B in C and things would get better and better actually just gotten worse. I just need somebody, Anybody in the same situation to tell me something could change because nothing I seem to do

when I was struggling with change and routine in the very worst stage of my trauma recovery my T asked me to incorporate one small thing a day that was a routine commitment. For me this was using moisturiser. A small thing . It can take a couple of seconds . But it was an act of self care.
even if I could do nothing else that day I moisturised.

now, it’s the same. However low I sink , four years on, I moisturise .

are your psychologist and therapist asking you to change too much too soon? Can you break this down into very small steps you stick with daily and expand from there when that is comfortable habit?
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
things do get worse before they get better. Is it possible that's what's going on? Also marriage is a huge change. Even positive stress is still stress so it makes sense you'd be struggling. Do you want to say any more about what's going on?

Healing is possible There are people here who have made huge strides forward in their recovery. You can do this.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
It takes a lot of work to manage one's symptoms. I was not functioning well at all in the beginning of therapy and now I function well enough to have several large gardens and breed chickens. It's a far cry from being charge nurse in a busy hospital but I am pretty happy. I'm back in therapy and having an increase in symptoms, but I realized my symptoms were increasing and sought out therapy to handle it. (C) PTSD is a disorder that is managed. You can be in remission for a long time, but it is still there.

As others have said, self care is important and having tools to handle your symptoms is important too. It's been 9 years since I was diagnosed and I still have to remember to allow myself to hide in my room if I need to or get extra sleep, or just take care of myself. Good luck on your healing journey and I hope to see you on the boards.
 

Starfire

Confident
Sounds like you have a lot of changes in process. My T calls it being overwhelmed even if it doesn't feel that way to me. I always feel I can handle it. But then comes the feeling as you said my head isn't right. The only thing that works for me is to slow down.
 

Simply Simon

Sponsor
Well jeez. I’m wondering why you keep disclosing the comforts of your life, how your family was loving and you’re not scrounging for survival? It reminds me of the way I used to speak about my own struggle, how I felt like I was somehow cheating by looking for support when I am graced, the way I saw it, by so many privileges.

The truth I found for myself and why I try not to do that anymore is that growing up with a two-car garage or having the money for college doesn’t invalidate the suffering I’ve endured. Going to Broadway at four didn’t paint over the fact that I was being abused that very week, and I don’t feel like I need to tell you I would have rather had neither than both.

I still have suicidal thoughts at least a dozen times a day, but they’re like the chattering of obnoxious birds outside a window rather than a noose swinging seductively like a pendulum inside my head. I am not calling for death but embracing the journey of life, one that has become beautiful and luminous with little daily joys that make my heart ache with appreciation. I laugh all the time and can cry when I need to. I feel everything vividly instead of being wrapped in the soft obfuscating gauze of dissociation, wherein I couldn’t be hurt nor in love. The pain let in is completely overwhelmed by the heights of elation I can at last enjoy. I savor it all, for I know what it is to have none of it.

I believe this is success. It is for me.

I like etymology. My favorite word-translated-by-origin is the verb “to suffer.” Literally, it means “to bear up from under.” I hope you will consider my question about the way you seem to cut down or pad the depth of your suffering by sharing your advantages unbidden by anyone. Just because you do not suffer every disadvantage doesn’t mean you are not entitled to feeling your burdens. Don’t be afraid to say you suffer; we all have something to bear up from under.
 
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