I can’t stand being me any more

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I really feel like I’m done with everything, I can’t stand being me and feeling like this for another second.

Often I get really overwhelmed with how I’m feeling and I feel hopeless and suicidal. Tonight has been really hard and I have struggled. I have managed to not do anything to end my life but I have been close and in the end I self harmed (nothing too bad).

I’m anxious/scared 24/7, I get intrusive thoughts of events I’d rather forget and I can never relax because I’m constantly feel anxious/waiting for something to happen. It’s honestly horrific and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I have been seeing a psychologist for a short while now but because I have only had a handful of sessions we haven’t really spoken about anything in much detail. I did post on this board previously asking what would happen if I told my therapist I felt suicidal but I didn’t manage to do that and I did something really stupid.

I filled in the depression/risk form prior to the session and wasn’t honest! I know this was a stupid move but at the time I couldn’t bring myself to be brutally honest in case he ran away with it and because I felt completely put on the spot filling it in in front of the them. Ugh.

Honestly I hardly even read the questions and just put down in the middle answers (one I even put on the wrong side by accident giving it a lesser score but I didn’t correct it). The therapist mentioned that the results were down a lot from the last time the forms had been done (about two weeks prior) because last time I filled them in it was over the phone which seemed easier because it wasn’t face to face. This time for some reason I just couldn’t mark down how I really felt.

Now I feel like I’m stuck and I can’t talk about it because I wasn’t honest last time and going forward I don’t think I’ll be able to fill it in saying just how bad I feel. I already detest filling them in at all.

Has anyone else done anything similar and filled it in to lessen how bad things are? Did you then tell your therapist what you had done at a later session and how did they react?
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Yes I did lots of stuff like that don't worry. They don't expect that you are alright. You didn't mention medication and I would tell them you were anxious because you are really depressed and it's scaring you how bad you feel.

I would tell them though and don't worry. You have to get feeling better.
 
Yes I did lots of stuff like that don't worry. They don't expect that you are alright. You didn't mention medication and I would tell them you were anxious because you are really depressed and it's scaring you how bad you feel.

I would tell them though and don't worry. You have to get feeling better.


Thank you for the reassuring message. I don’t take any medication at present.

I’m going to try and speak to them about it at my next appointment in a couple of weeks. I might write it down in case I can’t get my words out but I do want to find out his stance first. I don’t want him telling my gp etc.

It’s hard because by the time I see him I might feel better again then it doesn’t seem so important to tell him. It’s like hey I’m okay now so no need to mention it but then a week later it’s bad again.
 

Deanna

MyPTSD Pro
It’s hard because by the time I see him I might feel better again then it doesn’t seem so important to tell him. It’s like hey I’m okay now so no need to mention it but then a week later it’s bad again.
That's because you feel like you're with someone who is in the profession and become calmer to where, "It's not a big deal, really." Next time.. Let him know, although there is a time factor involved. Take deep breaths to get yourself out of a panic.
 
That's because you feel like you're with someone who is in the profession and become calmer to where, "It's not a big deal, really." Next time.. Let him know, although there is a time factor involved. Take deep breaths to get yourself out of a panic.

Yeah I think it seems pointless talking about it after the feelings have passed I guess.

Thank you, I will definitely try and broach the subject with him at my next appointment and see if he can help.
 
Well you could look at it this way, it's just as pointless to talk about it when the feelings don't pass.

Good luck.

Thanks for your reply.

I’m not really sure what you mean and wondered if you would mind clarifying?

To explain a little about what I mean when I said it seems pointless, there’s a little more to it than that really. The last time I felt suicidal (a couple of weeks ago) the feelings were pretty consistent for a couple of weeks. I felt low and really struggled with the thoughts but then the thoughts/feelings went away and I thought oh it’s gone again so I’m okay. At my appointment last week I did actually tell him that if he had asked me how I was feeling a week before things were bad but that I was feeling a bit better so I didn’t feel the need to elaborate. I thought the suicidal thoughts had gone because I thought you either are depressed/suicidal or you’re not.

Unfortunately the thoughts came back again really strongly yesterday and today. I didn’t really think that could/would happen because like I said above I thought you are either consistently depressed/suicidal or you’re not. I also thought the thoughts/feelings going was a sign it had gone and didn’t really need addressed.

I find it really hard to explain the feelings after the fact like exactly how I feel and how intense they are. When it’s bad it’s like being in a thick fog (like the last two days) and it’s all I can think about and my anxiety is through the roof but after the thoughts calmed down last time it was almost impossible to think back to how bad it felt because the feelings were gone. Does that make sense?

That’s why tonight I have written down exactly how I’m feeling now (in the thick of it) so I can show it to my therapist because I don’t think after the fact if it calms down again I would be able to do a good job of articulating how I feel when it happens.
 

bird_on_a_wire

MyPTSD Pro
but after the thoughts calmed down last time it was almost impossible to think back to how bad it felt because the feelings were gone. Does that make sense?

A lot of things, including memories, are affected by, or are state dependent, meaning you won't be as likely or can't remember them if not in the same state. (So, for example, if you always studied on an empty stomach you'd want to write your exam on an empty stomach).
I’m not really sure what you mean and wondered if you would mind clarifying?
A person can justify or rationalize their choice depending on the way they look at it: the feelings are transitory, so why bother?; the feelings will not be transitory, and nothing's changed, so why bother?, etc.
That’s why tonight I have written down exactly how I’m feeling now (in the thick of it) so I can show it to my therapist because I don’t think after the fact if it calms down again I would be able to do a good job of articulating how I feel when it happens.
Sounds like a good plan. :tup: Hope you feel better soon. :hug:
 

KimmyO

Learning
Any therapist worth his salt would not trust the paperwork, it is just a formality. Surely they see the truth as you talk with them. just because you went light on problems on paperwork doesn't mean you can't talk about it now. Talk openly with him/her or there won't be any help or improvements. If you can't, what about going to a church counselor, many times they are free and more open and easy to talk to. Also, I have found that taking magnesium (magnesium malate is best) and ginseng helped me a lot w both anxiety and depression, they calm the mind body and spirit and get rid of sticky negative thoughts the loop around in the mind. Hoping this helps you a lot too. =)
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
I really feel like I’m done with everything, I can’t stand being me and feeling like this for another second.

Often I get really overwhelmed with how I’m feeling and I feel hopeless and suicidal. Tonight has been really hard and I have struggled. I have managed to not do anything to end my life but I have been close and in the end I self harmed (nothing too bad).

I’m anxious/scared 24/7, I get intrusive thoughts of events I’d rather forget and I can never relax because I’m constantly feel anxious/waiting for something to happen. It’s honestly horrific and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I have been seeing a psychologist for a short while now but because I have only had a handful of sessions we haven’t really spoken about anything in much detail. I did post on this board previously asking what would happen if I told my therapist I felt suicidal but I didn’t manage to do that and I did something really stupid.

I filled in the depression/risk form prior to the session and wasn’t honest! I know this was a stupid move but at the time I couldn’t bring myself to be brutally honest in case he ran away with it and because I felt completely put on the spot filling it in in front of the them. Ugh.

Honestly I hardly even read the questions and just put down in the middle answers (one I even put on the wrong side by accident giving it a lesser score but I didn’t correct it). The therapist mentioned that the results were down a lot from the last time the forms had been done (about two weeks prior) because last time I filled them in it was over the phone which seemed easier because it wasn’t face to face. This time for some reason I just couldn’t mark down how I really felt.

Now I feel like I’m stuck and I can’t talk about it because I wasn’t honest last time and going forward I don’t think I’ll be able to fill it in saying just how bad I feel. I already detest filling them in at all.

Has anyone else done anything similar and filled it in to lessen how bad things are? Did you then tell your therapist what you had done at a later session and how did they react?

After seein T for almost 2 years I doubt there is much she hasn’t heard- this is little potatoes- the most she’ll ask is why didn’t you answer honestly.
 
Any therapist worth his salt would not trust the paperwork, it is just a formality. Surely they see the truth as you talk with them. just because you went light on problems on paperwork doesn't mean you can't talk about it now. Talk openly with him/her or there won't be any help or improvements. If you can't, what about going to a church counselor, many times they are free and more open and easy to talk to. Also, I have found that taking magnesium (magnesium malate is best) and ginseng helped me a lot w both anxiety and depression, they calm the mind body and spirit and get rid of sticky negative thoughts the loop around in the mind. Hoping this helps you a lot too. =)

Thanks for replying. I’m sure they knew how nervous I was because I couldn’t keep still. I will be doing my best to speak to them honestly about things when I see them next. I’m going to also take a letter detailing how I feel in case I can’t talk about it.

Thanks for the tip about magnesium I’m going to look into that.

After seein T for almost 2 years I doubt there is much she hasn’t heard- this is little potatoes- the most she’ll ask is why didn’t you answer honestly.

Thank you I think you’re probably right that they have heard it all before and that I don’t need to be so nervous. Hopefully when I speak to him all of my fears will be proven wrong! Really I just felt so caught off guard and under a microscope answering it in front of them and got so nervous about being honest face to face (I was honest over the phone) that I couldn’t bring myself to answer it correctly.
 
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