I Can Feel Myself Spiralling Down

Status
Not open for further replies.

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
I didn't post on here what happened last week so I will do a quick update because it is a big factor in this downward spiral I'm in.

Last Wednesday I cut for the first time in a while. I was dissociating really bad for the days leading up to it. I took a sick day from work. I ended up cutting too deep and I already had an appointment booked with my social worker from the week prior. I covered it up but I couldn't get it to stop bleeding. I told her I had an accident and cut when we were talking. She called a nurse in to look at it and they ended up calling an ambulance to take me to the hospital to get it stitched up because I was dissociating and not communicating with them. When I got to the hospital the doctor wasn't going to do anything at all, he was going to leave it wide open and bleeding. I had to beg him to do anything at all to it. Told him the reason they sent me was to get it stitched and to speak to the psych team. He huffed and said fine he would glue it. When he came back he didn't clean it out with anything, just squeezed the glue in, didn't pinch the sides together at all, and put steri strips over top of it while the glue was wet. So the strips were glued to my cut and skin around it, plus he trapped bacteria in there and I ended up getting an infection. I was told to go home after that. No questions were asked about how I was feeling, I wasn't asked if I was suicidal or needed to speak to anyone.

Well the steri strips fell of Wednesday night (one week later). It looks worse than I anticipated. I knew it would look bad because of the hack job he did at my arm but I didn't expect it to look like this. I was told to call patient advocacy to file a complaint against the doctors care but no one will return my calls. They promise that they will within a business day. So it's really upsetting.

Stuff has been going on at work that puts me under a lot of unnecessary stress. It doesn't need to be this way but it's happening regardless. So I spend most of my day dissociated. I saw my T on Tuesday and we talked about the cutting and work and the emotions behind it all. I was supposed to see the social worker today but the clinic called to say she cancelled because she's sick. It upset me. I sat in my car and sobbed for a while after, couldn't pull it together. I needed that support but can't get it today.
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
@mytai , you have the worst luck, sometimes, when it comes to the people who are supposed to be helping you! (And it's bad luck, you know, not YOU.) Bad day for the social worker to be sick! I'd really like to see you contact your T and talk to her. You need to talk to someone who's there, it sounds like.

It also sounds like you need to get to a Dr and get your arm looked at again. Antibiotics may be in order, after all that.

Since they didn't ask at the ER, ARE you suicidal? I know there's a limit to what you can say here, without getting in trouble for it, but IF you are contact your T and say that! Or, call a crisis line, if you have to. I'd hop in the car & drive over (Could I bring the dogs? They're good with cats!) but it's too long a drive to get there today. Take good care of yourself!
 

KwanYingirl

MyPTSD Pro
Now that the dust has settled how do you feel about cutting? Did it serve your greater good? Did it soothe your dissociation?

I hope your therapist can see you soon. I always regret a cut. All the risk of infection and scars to explain for what? Five minutes free from pain? It's just not the best coping mechanism. I'm trying to get grounded when dissociative. It's working pretty well, I have a lot to learn. I hope you're feeling better now
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
@scout86, I did shoot my T an email after I got the call saying my appointment was cancelled. Let her know I'm in a bad place right now and needed that support system today.

I actually already had antibiotics so the infection is clear now. I wasn't suicidal, I have suicidal thoughts but I'm not suicidal. Just very, very dissociated this week.

You could totally bring the dogs, but sadly yes it's a little far of a drive.
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
I'm glad you sent your T an email and also glad you're not suicidal. The "thoughts" are bad enough! Also good that they gave you antibiotics.

The dogs both like road trips and meeting new people, so maybe some day! :)

I hope you hear back from your T! Meanwhile, you have "us" here on the forum. It's not the same as actually having someone physically there, but we care about you, how you feel, and what you're going through. Hang in there!
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
@KwanYingirl, I'm never happy about cutting. I spent a lot of money on surgeries on my arm to reduce scarring. I was completely dissociated when I did this. It brought me out of the dissociated state.

I know it isn't a good coping mechanism which is exactly why I've been free from it for so long.
 
I am so sorry to hear of all of your struggles lately. I know that feeling of being in a bad place, wanting that support, and then having it not be there. I was in a downward spiral earlier this year and my therapist was sick. Instead of e-mailing she called my home phone to leave a message. I had had such a horrible day after many horrible days and the only thing keeping me going was the fact that I had an appointment. I went (not knowing she had canceled because I go from work to the appointments) and totally freaked out when she wasn't there. So I get that feeling.

I also understand cutting. I am always in a dissociated state when I cut and I feel horrible about it later. One thing that my therapist did early on that helped occasionally was to write a note asking me to not do it. I put the note on top of the blade. It stopped working after awhile, but a temporary solution was better than none.

I hope that some good things happen for you to counteract all this or that you find some way to be kind to yourself to help yourself feel better.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top