Rose White
MyPTSD Pro
I have been trying to adopt a routine for a while now and struggling mightily. I have massive resistance to it. I got to where I could just try to make sure that I do the things I want to do, without writing them down, and it doesn't really work.
Here's my issue. I know that celebrating accomplishments is important. The way I usually do that is through my diary, by recognizing them. That's kind of a celebration, because I'm saying I'm proud of myself and then if a member congratulates me it feels like a celebration. So I probably need to do more "real celebrations" like saying positive things out loud and focusing on a positive activity, whether its food or dancing or whatever.
But when it comes to routine, there is a very forceful part of me that gets angry if I even think about celebrating that I did a routine. The thought of celebrating makes me cringe inside and feel angry and then like I need to numb the anger. Then that makes me want to drop the routine.
This is what I hear from some part of me, "I'll do it if I do it, okay? Just back off!"
So my core belief that needs to change is that I can't celebrate accomplishments with routine. If I just celebrate anyway then I'm celebrating with parts of me angry and vowing revenge.
I know *why* this is. My abuser dad used his routine to control us. His routine took precedent over all others, and no effort was made on his part (or my mom's) to encourage me with my own routine. From Dad, it was just, "Do it this way, when I say, or else be punished." And, "If you impede my routine at all you will suffer." So it makes sense that I associated routine with "I'm getting punished." And it makes sense that some parts of me are deeply opposed to routine.
But I'm recovered somewhat now and I recognize that routines are actually helpful for children and adults. I'm just not sure how to get one myself. They always seem to disintegrate.
Here's my issue. I know that celebrating accomplishments is important. The way I usually do that is through my diary, by recognizing them. That's kind of a celebration, because I'm saying I'm proud of myself and then if a member congratulates me it feels like a celebration. So I probably need to do more "real celebrations" like saying positive things out loud and focusing on a positive activity, whether its food or dancing or whatever.
But when it comes to routine, there is a very forceful part of me that gets angry if I even think about celebrating that I did a routine. The thought of celebrating makes me cringe inside and feel angry and then like I need to numb the anger. Then that makes me want to drop the routine.
This is what I hear from some part of me, "I'll do it if I do it, okay? Just back off!"
So my core belief that needs to change is that I can't celebrate accomplishments with routine. If I just celebrate anyway then I'm celebrating with parts of me angry and vowing revenge.
I know *why* this is. My abuser dad used his routine to control us. His routine took precedent over all others, and no effort was made on his part (or my mom's) to encourage me with my own routine. From Dad, it was just, "Do it this way, when I say, or else be punished." And, "If you impede my routine at all you will suffer." So it makes sense that I associated routine with "I'm getting punished." And it makes sense that some parts of me are deeply opposed to routine.
But I'm recovered somewhat now and I recognize that routines are actually helpful for children and adults. I'm just not sure how to get one myself. They always seem to disintegrate.