I Can't Escape

Hi, I'm pretty new to this forum and I'm not quite sure how to do this properly; so, if I make a mistake or anything, please let me know?

Anyway, hi I'm Lee and I have PTSD and BPD. I am the youngest of six and I hate myself, I hate my life, and a part of me really wants to die and another part of me is too scared to do it.

I've convinced myself that everyone around me would be happier if I was dead since I seem to only bring misery to everyone around me.

I was molested by my dad from six years old until I was 14. I tried to speak up multiple times to my mother and once to a friend but each time I was shut down or people told me I was overexaggerating. He would open my door while I would be in my room, sneak up behind me, and shove his hand up my shirt into my bra.

I would be so paralyzed with fear and feel so gross I would just wait until he left. Besides, everyone in my family loved him; so, how could do I, according to my mother, "destroy the family" like that?

My cousin convinced me to talk to my therapist at the time and I didn't know she would contact DCFS. I didn't really know anything. My therapist told me not to tell anyone what I had said but I was 14 and I was shaking with anxiety.

I felt like a traitor. A horrible f*cking slimeball of a human being. I told my aunt in confidence but she immediately went to tell my mother when I was at school.

My mom kicked me out of my house and brought me to Grandma's. She told everyone in the family and each one of my siblings called me up or cornered me into a room telling me I was "crazy", "a liar", and one of my siblings told me she hoped something horrible would happen to me.

Only after I lived with my grandma for months, she and one of my sisters (who had also been kicked out and lived with my grandma) began to believe me.

A week after I was kicked out of my house, my mom came over and she told me I had "false memories" and that I had "created the whole thing in my head". Little did i know at the time, my dad actually had opened up about the fact he did molest me but my mother had told him to shut up and to never talk about it.

And here's where it gets even f*cking better. I had developed a tumor in my head when I was in 5th grade that caused me to have hydrocephealous. It swelled my brain up so badly I had a neverending headache, i would get nauseous easily, and i had such severe anxiety that i couldn't do simple shit like stand on chairs or go up an escalator.

This tumor caused me to have severe depression but I sincerely believe it did not give me false memories. They can't be false because they didn't come out of no where. This shit happened for YEARS and I didn't say anything because I f*cking knew what would happen. I just wanted the shit to stop.

I was sent to a psych ward when I was 15 and it was there the doctors discovered my tumor. My brain had become so swollen that if I didn't get immediate treatment, it would've killed me.

Several doctors beforehand did suggest to My mom that i needed to have a cat scan for my headaches but she thought that it was fruitless and a waste of money. So the psychiatrist just put me on shit like Geodon, Lithium, Zoloft, LexaPro, and Latuda.

When they discovered the tumor, the doctors instantly took me clean off my meds without easing them down at all. Geodon in particular had the side effect of making me straight up pass out (I don't mean getting a little sleepy; I mean I would be walking down the side walk with friends then Id pass out. They gave me up to two and a half Monsters and other energy drinks just to keep me functioning). So, I couldn't sleep anymore. i had become so dependent on Geodon I couldn't f*cking sleep.

Anyway, my mom had convinced my doctors of my false memories and when DCFS talked to me I begged them to not hurt my dad. Even though he molested me, he was the one who drove me to school, he was the one who would pack my lunches, take me out to eat, teach me how to fix things, and play video games with me. My mom was always too busy with work to care about me outside of my physical health.

I still don't know how the case was solved as I was left out of the loop after that.

After my tumor was removed, I was so desperate to be apart of my family again that I took back everything I said. I hated being isolated from literally everyone except for my grandma. My mom was more than thrilled with me for taking it all back.

But the flashbacks wouldn't go away. Id get nightmares and night terrors that were so severe that I couldn't f*cking sleep without a light on and some nights I couldn't sleep at all. I was also raised with fundamentalist Christian beliefs and had lost my faith in God from my experiences. So, my grandma took me to a Unitarian Universalist Church and I made friends there.

I was also going to the library a lot, reading book after book about false memories, psychology, tumors and how they can be linked with memories. Although I had taken it back, a part of me knew that I couldn't pretend like nothing had happened and I felt so gross I would hurt myself to deal with the shame that crawled along my back.

One day, the Unitarian Church group had us all create speeches about how we had become Unitarians and my speech about my tumor. My grandma and I had looked over countless times to make sure it was "safe" (meaning that it wouldn't upset my mom) and, because I write and I had done a speech about the Butterfly Effect beforehand, the group had me do my speech first.

There was one line in it that ruined the whole thing.

"I felt abandoned even though I knew I wasn't."

I had to phrase it like that because lord only knows I didn't need an entire audience becoming concerned. I also had NOT mentioned anything about my dad in the speech. It was only about my tumor.

That line made my mother burst out crying and she went home to attempt suicide. When I went home, my dad pulled up to the driveway and began to yell at me for causing my mom to be so distraught.

Our fight escalated until I brought up the shit he had put me through for years and he admitted to molesting me and he admitted my memories were very real. My grandma was also there as a witness. I just f*cking broke down. I had spent 3 years trying to convince myself that I wasn't crazy, that I hadn't made the whole thing up, and finally he admitted this to my face.

He told me my mom didn't want him to talk. He wasn't allowed to say anything about it. He apologized to me. He said he didn't know what he was doing and, to be honest, the idea that he had been molested too and that what I had gone through was just a product of that helps me sleep at night.

Id rather him have a lack of boundaries than to have the intent of sexually abusing me.

I became so angry that I picked up my diary and ran to the nearest burger king. I called up my friend and they rushed over with their mom. They told me I could try to get emancipated but not only did the tumor permanently f*ck with my education to the point I had to work my ass off to get my GED but I also NO idea how to be independent. My parents were also very good at painting the world into this terrifying place where I could never possibly survive without them.

I just couldn't get emancipated. My mom ended up surviving her attempt and though she did apologize for attempting suicide she did say the speech was uncalled for.

About a month later, my friends and I went on a trip to Boston but I continued to struggle with a great depression and, despite the fact I was in Boston, I was convinced my friends were going to abandon me and I could tell they were irritated with my depression. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't f*cking stop it. This lead to my friends leaving me to sit next to a stranger on the train ride home and seperating themselves from me.

After the trip, I started smoking weed to cope, then I began to smoke cigarettes after one of my stoner friends offered me a cigarette while I was high. I gave no f*cks. My health had f*cked me over, I felt emotionally f*cked over and I was just plain tired. I didn't give a flying f*ck about my health anymore.

My grandma grew irritated by my behavior. I began to steal money, sneak out at night, I would run away from time and time to the point the police were irritated with me. I snuck liquor into my school and I wouldn't come home until 4 or 5 in the morning.

Fighting ensued between my grandma and I. I would swear at her, swear at my parents, declare that I despised them and I wanted them ruined. I even gave my grandma and my parents the bird.

This led to my grandma kicking me out of the house and, at this point, my mom had moved away from my dad to her own condo with one of my sisters. Another sister was married with her husband, my brother was in boot camp, and and two more sisters were in Florida. So, my dad was the only one left in my childhood home and my childhood home was a complete mess from a lack of clean up and finished construction. It was foreclosed as well because my dad did not have a job and he wanted to rely on the stock market for money.

I have no doubt he was just as depressed as I was. Despite the fact I was squatting in a foreclosed house, I still went to school for my GED (I would skip my classes from time to time to go get stoned or drunk as f*ck) i was also still in this program that my grandma had put me in a year earlier and when the program leaders knew about my situation, they told me I was, by law, homeless.

They contacted this program called the 360 Youth Services. An 18th month long program where you learn to obtain employment, save up money, and eventually get your own apartment.

Because I knew my family would try to scare me into not going, I gathered up my social security card, my birth certificate, and other paperwork and did an interview the program manager with the help of program leaders at my school.

When everything was set up and I had a moving date, I told my family. My mom didn't really care. My grandma was proud of me and my dad was pissed. I was told that I wouldn't get passed the first month at the program.

I just f*cking graduated the program this month. It helped me obtain employment, I received my High School Equivalency Certificate (my GED) and i have learned many life skills that I didn't know beforehand.

I probably drove my program manager insane as I continued to smoke weed (for my anxiety at this point), I continued to be apart of the wrong crowds, and I was too damn nice for my own good and I allowed other residents to take advantage of me when I knew better.

It was because I'm a f*cking idiot that I didn't obtain stable employment until last August and because I spent too much on other people (I was afraid if I didn't give them something they would abandon and leave me behind) that I'm currently roommates with one of my sisters.

My grandma had promised me my room back when I graduated but had given it to someone else without telling me then laughed when I found out.

Because of my chronic depression and continued use, my program manager absolutely refused to teach me how to drive citing that she didn't want me to be a reckless driver and I am without a license or a car (I could've gotten an inexpensive car at the program but again she refused)

My sister also has PTSD and RTS as well from a traumatic experience she went through in 2012 and she just got out of an abusive relationship. It's nice to be able to talk with her about Mom but she still doesn't believe I was molested ("If you were molested, that makes our Dad a bad man and I don't want to live my life knowing my dad is an evil, horrible person!")
Also, she's completely fixated on making sure I don't masturbate. She hates the idea of me masturbating so much (Boundaries were very muddled growing up but I have had set and clear boundaries for a very long time. I do NOT speak about anything sexual with my family as it often causes a flashback and I still do not think I'm ready to have sex as when Ive tried to have partners and advance with them I've had intense flashbacks, anxiety, and I generally feel disgusting when completely exposed)
I'm not allowed to do anything of the sort in the privacy of my own room and I feel gross, ashamed of myself, and I keep f*cking having flashbacks.
She's called me a troll, she admits to going through my shit and she thinks I'm a nympho of some kind. Because of this, I haven't done a damn thing since I've graduated and moved in with her.

Either way, I'm so f*cking tired. I'm tired of her getting in my face about shit like this, I'm tired of having this weird co-dependent relationship with my dad, I'm tired of having to walk on eggshells around my mom and I can't stop thinking about killing myself.

If i just kill myself, the misery will finally f*cking stop. I feel like my program manager doesn't give a f*ck about me and I feel like everyone will truly be happy when I am dead.

There's just no escape but hey I can't blame anyone when it's my own damn fault. I didn't work harder in that program. I let people take advantage of me. I f*cking deserve this, right?

I don't know what to do, where to go, how to live. My program manager didn't really care about my dysfunctional family life and the only case manager that did was let go by the program due to funding.

On top of that, the one sister that had my back through all the bullshit died of a heroin overdose in November of last year as she also struggled with addiction and depression.

Idk what to do. The only thing I've ever wanted to do was be an author. I just wanna write and publish books. That's all; nothing else. I've already written a 475 pged novel and edited it myself but who the f*ck am I kidding. It's not like it's gonna go anywhere. I'm just a f*cking loser that deserves all this shit and I'm just so f*cking tired.
 

Astrid_Shadow

Confident
I am so sorry you went through all that. Congrats though for graduating. That's a huge step and even though it may not seem like it, it really is a huge step in the right direction. Let me say this. No one deserves to suffer. No matter how much they believe it. Suffering is part of life we all go through it but no one deserves it. I hope things turn out better for you. Just remember you are loved (by us even though we barely know you) stay strong hang in there. You've got this! If you can pass this you can beat anything!! I'll be cheering for you from the sidelines.
 

Justmehere

Sponsor
Your post about what you have been through is incredibly heartbreaking and moving. I can't quite respond to it well myself, because it reminded me of something I went though that was different but similar. I'm so deeply sorry for the lost of your sister and everything else you have been through.

You mentioned your dream to be an author. You do have a gift of expressing yourself very well. You have a bright future ahead of you. I know things are very dark right now, but hang on. Don't give up on you and your dreams. The pain and despair you feel now will change and get easier with time. Keep writing. Keep expressing. You may very one day help inspire others to hang on too. :hug:
 

Bloomy

MyPTSD Pro
Im also terrible sorry to read all theyve done to you and all you had to survive. When I was 20 years old I thought my life was over. I didnt have any belive - just like you - that it would ever get better. It did. But - my life and me in in it has gotten better. Im so much more at peace now and live a life that is actually good at times. Id never thought it would come to this when the torment and pain over what I survive was at its worse

One step at the time - lay one stone at the time even do the stones can be painful to walk on and little by little youll see it can get better.

When it comes to your family Im not sure they are good for you to be around on a journey to heal.

Sending you all my best wishes and prayers - you so much deserve to get a good life with love and happiness and to write all the books you want to and maybe one day become a great author.
 
Utmost sympathy. The things that you endured are terrible.
Feel proud, upright and strong and p...
Thank you very much. I read a lot of different novels from many different authors but my favorite book right now, as ridiculous as it sounds, is the NeverEnding Story by Michael Ende. The novel is very different from the movie and honestly deserves more credit than what it got.

I am so sorry you went through all that. Congrats though for graduating. That's a huge step and e...

Thank you very much <3

Im also terrible sorry to read all theyve done to you and all you had to survive. When I was 20 years ol...
The thing is, I know how toxic they are but at the same time I love them. Despite everything, I did openly forgive them and I have tried my best and hoped that with time they'll get better. I'll give them credit, my mother is a lot more conscientious about what she says. However, she also continues to be incredibly inconsistent and although she does not deny my memories any longer she does continue to question my memories. However, she doesn't do it to just me. She does it to my siblings and my dad too.

Also thank you very much for your encouragement. <3
 
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Bloomy

MyPTSD Pro
Your titel is "I cant escape" . I want to tell you that you can escape. Yes it might take time. And it might (most probably) cause a lot of hardship and heartbreak and sorrow and anger. But there is a way out for sure and its worth to save every green moment in your life to hang in there and move forward even in midts of winter despite it all <3

Someone sent me this on a dark day The Laughing Heart - Charles Bukowski - A Short Film
 
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