I can't keep going...

[SeekingAfrica]

My house is a mess, I'm behind on the work I do have, I'm so anxious I have to work in 15min chunks with breaks for the same amount or more, the pay I have will only cover bills, I am behind on a trip home I had to take, my bullet journal is a mess, my phone broke, my computer had to be replaced, I sold everything I could sell and did extra jobs to get by, my goals are so at the back of the list they are not even on the radar, I no longer know anything...
I just... everything is a mess and I have this constant anxiety that I have to fight every time I sit down to work.

On top of it I work from home and I have neighbours that love playing the one type of music that makes me anxious, like all day long.
And, since my regular pay isn't enough I have to start a side business. I can barely work what I should work, how am I starting anything new?

The last time I was this low, was last December and I barely made income for like 3 months. That's not an option.
I'm a mess, everything is a mess and I just can't SEE FORWARD. I can't see a solution. Yesterday I was about to use an empty notebook to start fresh and plan out everything, but it's all just this jumbled mess in my head. I know this seems trivial but I have fought so hard to get to a good place and I did and it's all just now in pieces under my feet and my feet are getting bloody and it's all just... it's not getting better.
I just want to not exist.

 

[whiteraven]

I just want to not exist.

I'm sorry you're struggling so. I have no advice to offer, only the assurance that you are not alone here. And I know, that doesn't much help. :-(

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm sorry you're struggling so. I have no advice to offer, only the assurance that you are not alone here. And I know, that doesn't much help. :-(

Thanks. Still appreciated, it's hell of a week/day. ...

 

[whiteraven]

Thanks. Still appreciated, it's hell of a week/day. ...

Hell of a life, I'd say!

 

[Friday]

I’ve watched you fall through, push through, or fight through this exact same pattern at least half a dozen times over the years.

It’s a job-life-money trifecta that nukes your self confidence & topples over 2 rows of dominos

- Stress/ Anxiety /Depression >>> Stops you from living your life
- Fear / Guilt/ Shame >>> Shreds you when you do

- One kicks your life in the balls, leaving it gasping and puking on the ground
- The kicks you when you’re down, keeping you from getting back up.

So when I say I’ve seen you handle far far worse? It’s not a glib thing. I’ve SEEN you here, before. And I’ve SEEN you rise up. ✨ Whether it’s a mini-pattern you ride out in a few days/weeks fixed by a check coming in, or a massive-pattern that takes you months before your feet are back under you, because no single windfall or facet can right things. So I have total faith in you, even if you have no faith in yourself. You will kick ass and take names. No doubt. You’re wicked good at doing so. I know this.

What I don’t know is…

A) How aware you are OF this pattern in your life when the trifecta comes calling

B) How aware you are of how much better you’ve gotten at handling this pattern than you used to be (and you really, really are!): I know it can be hard to see whilst in the middle of it.

C) If you’ve taken into account the exhaustion-toll?

(Patterns get exhausting to re-live, esp as they feed into cognitive distortions about how things are always/never, the whole [now = forever] survival mode thing, and other areas feeling more “real” because we’ve been here before, thinking/feeling the same things, no matter how wrong they are. So it’s not just a practice = getting better, but ALSO practice = getting harder & more exhausting …until one recognizes the pattern, so we can kind of step outside of the pattern. Like a panic attack is harder when you don’t know it’s a panic attack, or swimming back to shore is harder when you’re swimming against the current, rather than angling out of it, first.)

D) If you’ve been working on a plan whilst not in cycle, to handle the next one… and if so… if there’s anything we can do to help remind you of that plan, &/or support you through implementing it?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Friday I literally started crying reading this. Thank you for the vote of confidence (which I lack now).

A) The job I have now is supposed to be stable at least until January, and until 2 months ago, the amount I'm making was plenty to not worry about payments or anything. So I thought- finally, I'll have this period of CALM, stability, so I can find more ways to make money and build savings. That was the PLAN. The PLAN is beyond dead now.

I've never had a time when I was stable in making money and yet had to pull every trick off my sleeve(extra work/loans/selling) just to get by. By the time I realised the economy has changed and my PLAN has to change, my mental health was exhausted from figuring out all those extra way I made money. I've exhausted all my ideas AND my brain is EXHAUSTED of looking for ideas. I HATE this feeling.

B) I am aware of the pattern and that I have improved in managing certain things- YET, somehow, apparently I cannot step out of this pattern.
I think the pattern is made worse by the fact that my parents struggled with money ALL their life and I was supposed to be the golden child to do better and help them out, but then- hello PTSD at 21...(I mean technically my first trauma was at 6, but I was sort of in denial and avoidance until the next trauma hit at 21 and I crashed)

C) The plan was to be making a bit over what I need at least until the end of the year, giving me enough time to develop a blog and etsy store for digital printables for passive sort of income while I look for better paid job.
Now I barely believe in making it through the day, and my home is a mess- doing my normal work is hard- and Etsy was supposed to take time to develop. I've made jewelry in the past but no longer have supplies. I've done cleaning, but I have pretty bad back issues. I've also done small drawings on the side, but now with my health shot like this I haven't been able to draw anything. I'm good with multimedia, programs, computer and app skills (not programming though). In theory I'm fine but the theory is screwed up.
The exhaustion factor is true, but, I am here. I am where I am. I can't turn back time. I can't afford therapy, and the way I've 'functioned' the last 10 days definitely makes me ashamed.

I appreciate that you know my history and still believe in me- I need that!
But how do I get myself through it this time?

And you know the worst part? Doing the job I do have now is so hard, that if it wasn't for my state I could have gotten paid this week (I get paid when finishing certain batch of files, but no more than once a month)- but if I wasn't... I could have finished this week.
And yet saying this does not magically make me healthy or better. And also lack of money (when I get under 20$, and I am there currently) paralyzes me in more than one way and then getting paid starts to feel like this magical miractle that happened in the past and will not this time.

 

[arfie]

I am aware of the pattern and that I have improved in managing certain things- YET, somehow, apparently I cannot step out of this pattern.

be gentle with yourself and patient with the process. for my therapy nickel, unlearning the habits which took me 30 odd years to even recognize is much, much, far and away harder than learning new habits and establishing new patterns. it is a scientific fact that nature abhors a void. methinks this applies to habits and attitudes, as well. habits buried so deeply into my psyche that it took me decades to recognize them are not going to disappear overnight. repeat: be gentle with yourself and patient with the process. it is not a race.

The plan was to be making a bit over what I need at least until the end of the year,

insert john lennon quote here. "life is what happens when we are busy making other plans."
gotta take life on life's own terms.
small steps, big faith and lots of prayers.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

be gentle with yourself and patient with the process. for my therapy nickel, unlearning the habits which took me 30 odd years to even recognize is much, much, far and away harder than learning new habits and establishing new patterns. it is a scientific fact that nature abhors a void. methinks this applies to habits and attitudes, as well. habits buried so deeply into my psyche that it took me decades to recognize them are not going to disappear overnight. repeat: be gentle with yourself and patient with the process. it is not a race.



insert john lennon quote here. "life is what happens when we are busy making other plans."
gotta take life on life's own terms.
small steps, big faith and lots of prayers.

It doesn't feel like I have time to be patient. There are bills and food and transport to cover.
I do need a new adjusted plan.

But, given I've hyperventilated and cried my eyes out today few times, I've decided to give myself an hour break.
Watch something cute or funny, then a little work and a little workout to finish my day.
And then- plans tomorrow.
My HUGE issue is that plans generally need to be made before you find yourself in such situation.
Now I have to somehow start making 40% more on the side somehow, which trying to get a hang of my emotional state plan. 2 for 1 planning if you will lol.

2 for 1 if

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Hahaha forgot my tolerance for pain is lower on those days.
I did my first workout in 10 days (during which days my food was whatever, like, an afterthought), and now I'm crying again. The can't stop crying kind of crying. I get this might be emotions needing to come out but it still sucks.

How do I adjust the plan in this state? What do I do? How do I survive in this world? I'm so BEYOND exhausted of thinking. I feel so done, like I know that somewhere out there there is an answer, but I'm not strong enough to see it.

 

[Charmd1]

How do I adjust the plan in this state? What do I do?

I am in the same boat. So I don’t have much by way of advice that works. But one thing I do everyday is make my bed when I get up. It sounds dumb. But every day I step out into a world I can’t handle well. And when I get home no matter how much of a failure I feel like I go look at my bed. It’s ready for me. It’s saying to me look you did this. You succeeded here’s something nice for yourself. Welcome home hun.
It’s not much but it means the world to me on the hard days to have managed to something right.