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I Cant Make Love With My Partner

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sassy-snape

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Hi, just lately i have began to hate, HATE sex and everything associated with it.

I am scared stiff of seeing a naked man in real life and on a tv. I hate the idea of being touched in any form.

I hate it when my partners hands get close to my breasts, like putting them on my waist, im very aware of his hands.

He is being very good, he wont do anything and says he will stay wth me no matter what.

I insinuated some sexual behavour a couple weeks back and i hated it afterwards, i couldnt look at him and i hated myself for doing it.(he was very wary of doing anything with me, and got very upset when i shyed away from him, n curled up in my bedding away from him and didnt speak to him)


If i masterbate i cant get turned on by sex at all, i hate to get turned on just with pleasure but i cant even do that now.

I dunno what to do............ i cant even sleep in the same bed as my partner, its not him as a person, its the very thought of sex
 
I'm sorry you are having to go through this, Sassy. I know you said you don't know what to do, but I wonder what you've thought you might like to do - most of us have thought of something we think might help, or have thought of something that might help us make sense of the situation.

You said it's been just lately. Is there anything going on lately, like an anniversary of some kind that might be triggering you?

Intimacy is a struggle in one way or another for most people, but it can be a danger zone for people who have had negative and abusive sexual experiences in the past. You are not alone.

Sounds like your partner is a good one :)
 
Sassy,

I too have a problem with sex. Although it doesn't frighten me, I just don't enjoy it anymore. It makes me feel like I am a terrible wife. I don't know what to tell you to help, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone.
 
I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I'm not with anyone at the moment because I scare everyone away due to freaking out whenever someone tries to be intimate with me. You definitely aren't alone.
 
When I first began therapy my "t" told me that most folks do not have a file in their brains to separate what sex is from what abuse is. I can tell you from experience that there is also a big difference between sex and making love as well. The challenge for those of us who are survivors of sexual abuse is to separate love and sex (they are not the same thing), sex from abuse, (also not the same thing), and then to realize that sex and love can be a part of the same experience if we want it to be...ie; (making love). I also had to seperate love from pity and redefine what love means to me and what role sex will play in my life. I also had to define my wants, needs and bounderies.....It didn't happen overnight, but I no longer am afraid of being sexual and I can now be either assertive or submissive, to whatever degree, as I wish, and I do not submit to being sexually abused.
 
Don't force yourself to be intimate. Tell him you just want to be friends for a while (I am joking here, but you understand) and just start over with touching each other. I have helt like you do now too.
 
OK, reading every ones posts here has my curiosity going.

Sometimes the only way I can overcome anxiety is to connect with my wife.
No big physical thing, just being connected and held.
Is this difference due to gender?

Tom S. in Tn.
 
Hi Sassy,

Like Teejaye said, I wonder if an anniversary is coming up that may be bringing on some of these feelings? Or maybe something triggered you during the last time you and your partner were intimate.

I, too, have (had) difficulty with intimacy, particularly when it is sexual intimacy. I could be very affectionate and touchy-feely one day, and very reserved, vigilant, distant and/or frightened the next day. For the longest time, I was not able to be intimate at all because I would get terrible body memories or I would dissociate pretty badly during or afterwards.

I wonder if you could work it out with your partner where you can just enjoy each other's presence and company for a while and maybe your comfort level of being touched and more will grow again. I remember sometimes I had to just remind myself that whichever person sitting next to me or whatever was a safe person and to just get used to how that person felt nearby me and eventually next to me and so forth.

With comfort and support,

pianogirl
 
I think a lot has to do with trust. If it's there, great. If not, it comes up, too. There are feelings either way.

Key is to not mistrust good people because of what others have been like.

Also, to be assertive enough to establish boundaries when the person doesn't have your best interests at heart or it's not welcomed/ don't like or trust them (-not this case, I am sure, Sassy).

Good luck to you. First important step to work on it is acknowledging it.
 
Sassy,

I wish I had an answer for you, but I am in a similiar "boat" myself. My senses heighten and its like I am ready to flee if necessary. I get filled with fear whenever my husband starts to touch me. It freaks me out. Any sound he makes freaks me out. My poor husband. I feel tremendous guilt about it.

I've tried to push through it, but right now the fear and panic that stirs up is way to intense for me to put it into perspective right now. I do plan to address these fears with my therapist when its the right timing. I hate sex, always have.

Early in our marriage, before I even knew I has been abused, I just knew I had issues with it, but I would detach and dissociate each time we had sex. I went numb and sort of left my body, but now I can't even get myself to that place.

I have to chose to believe that down the road with further healing I can work through this fear. I know that facing these fears over and over is what helps one to move beyond them in time. I want to get to that place. But right now, with the flooding of memories and stuff, I can't deal with sex. We agreed together not to pressure each other in this area.

My husband is very understanding about it, I'm the one that feels bad. I guess I say all that to let you know your not totally alone in your feelings and struggles in the "sex" area.
 
Sometimes the only way I can overcome anxiety is to connect with my wife.
No big physical thing, just being connected and held.
Is this difference due to gender?

I do not think it is due to gender Tom, in fact I am encouraged that you have written this here. It has encouraged me to read that a man can feel this way and I am grateful that you have shared this side of yourself here.

My experience has been different and I thought I was the odd one for wanting to feel that safe connection in being held gently but safely. Knowing that I am cared for, respected and safe with the person I am with.

I believe that tenderness can exist in a loving relationship, I have just never really known it or been on the receiving end of it in a sexual relationship. I hope one day I will because I know how good it can feel to show someone else tenderness and love. So I am hoping I may know it myself and am sure it has to feel good too, although I know I will probably have some trouble accepting it, or even believing I am worthy of it... I am hopefull all the same.

~fin
 
I am sorry you are going through this. I too have a hard time in the sex department and sometimes I have to keep my eyes open and even turn more lights on in the room because I get very triggered. I need to feel more in charge and I have to change positions immediately. I feel bad for my husband because I just want to be carefree and wild. He knows about my past of sexual abuse-incest and feels it right away when I disappear so that is a good thing. Maybe you could have a sign when you start to disappear and let him not it is not him (before hand). It is really hard to be open about this stuff but the more I share what feels okay the more empowered and relaxed I feel. I hate that the past haunts us but I know there is a many ways out of this darkness and it is feels good to know you are not alone. Take good care.
 
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