SeekingAfrica
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So we all know recovery takes time. My question is when it comes to practical tasks... do you wait to be ready, or do you push yourself or make yourself somehow do things? I have a bunch of pictures and files from the year after I got PTSD, from the time I was still pretending I was fine, from the time after when I really needed to write about how I felt but still thought everything was somehow my fault...pictures and writings from a time when I really didn't understand yet what happened to me and why did my whole world change suddenly.
At the time I was really messy in every area of my life, because I couldn't care. That includes computer files, pictures and writing. When I was in denial I buried those in so many random folders, completely stopped having any order in my files. Since then I switched computers 2ce, both times by need so I quickly moved the whole memory of the old computer in a folder to reorganize and started fresh. So now I have 8 years worth of random computer mess. And because my computer once again needs change soon, I want to back it up... But I can't do that before I have some order so I can know what needs backup and what doesn't...
But I have needed to backup my computer for a year and a half at least and it's still on the backburner. I've moved folders and files here and there and I am still in the process of sorting through these. In a year and a half I have managed to back up 60 Gb from 350. And each time I do start organizing the files I do back up, it's an emotional process. It's like I'm dropped back to that time of my life. It's snowing out now, but the other day for a moment I had this feeling, this memory. The whether being soft and rainy in spring, humid and foggy and me trying to balance 6 courses, part time job and a new business with having things I couldn't think about so much that I wanted to drink instead. And waking up in nightmares every night. Feeling like a ghost and jumping any time anyone touched me. And I swear for a while few days ago I felt how I felt that. That feeling, that soft and rainy spring while I was still in denial. Pieces of the summer the year before flashing as well, running after to my room and tripping while going up the stairs. Telling myself the bruises on me are from being too clumsy. Getting this nauseous feeling any time I saw that person that....I can smell the perfume I loved at the time and that later made me feel sick. I can feel my body hurting from all the bruises.
So I've been taking my time with this, organizing my computer. There's always tomorrow and another day. But I've been working on getting better lately, I've been working hard on getting my life more stable. A part of that would be to back up my computer, especially that I work on it. And yet it's been a year and a half since I've had the intention to do it, and the process is so slow. Every folder is an emotional process. But I have been working so hard to get better. And it would feel so good to finally do this. I've been working on it for this long, but really, I've been wanting to organize my files for 6 years. And my work is on there, and all my creative writing and journaling and most of any pictures I've ever had. Because of my work I'm often on my computer, and it's so important to do this... but each time I try it takes so long and I guess it's too emotional, so often time I keep pushing it to later....
Should I stop avoiding it...somehow? Should I push myself? Or make it part of my day but leave time for the emotional part? Or just let it be until I feel better enough and it sort of just gets easier, as it happens with some other things?
At the time I was really messy in every area of my life, because I couldn't care. That includes computer files, pictures and writing. When I was in denial I buried those in so many random folders, completely stopped having any order in my files. Since then I switched computers 2ce, both times by need so I quickly moved the whole memory of the old computer in a folder to reorganize and started fresh. So now I have 8 years worth of random computer mess. And because my computer once again needs change soon, I want to back it up... But I can't do that before I have some order so I can know what needs backup and what doesn't...
But I have needed to backup my computer for a year and a half at least and it's still on the backburner. I've moved folders and files here and there and I am still in the process of sorting through these. In a year and a half I have managed to back up 60 Gb from 350. And each time I do start organizing the files I do back up, it's an emotional process. It's like I'm dropped back to that time of my life. It's snowing out now, but the other day for a moment I had this feeling, this memory. The whether being soft and rainy in spring, humid and foggy and me trying to balance 6 courses, part time job and a new business with having things I couldn't think about so much that I wanted to drink instead. And waking up in nightmares every night. Feeling like a ghost and jumping any time anyone touched me. And I swear for a while few days ago I felt how I felt that. That feeling, that soft and rainy spring while I was still in denial. Pieces of the summer the year before flashing as well, running after to my room and tripping while going up the stairs. Telling myself the bruises on me are from being too clumsy. Getting this nauseous feeling any time I saw that person that....I can smell the perfume I loved at the time and that later made me feel sick. I can feel my body hurting from all the bruises.
So I've been taking my time with this, organizing my computer. There's always tomorrow and another day. But I've been working on getting better lately, I've been working hard on getting my life more stable. A part of that would be to back up my computer, especially that I work on it. And yet it's been a year and a half since I've had the intention to do it, and the process is so slow. Every folder is an emotional process. But I have been working so hard to get better. And it would feel so good to finally do this. I've been working on it for this long, but really, I've been wanting to organize my files for 6 years. And my work is on there, and all my creative writing and journaling and most of any pictures I've ever had. Because of my work I'm often on my computer, and it's so important to do this... but each time I try it takes so long and I guess it's too emotional, so often time I keep pushing it to later....
Should I stop avoiding it...somehow? Should I push myself? Or make it part of my day but leave time for the emotional part? Or just let it be until I feel better enough and it sort of just gets easier, as it happens with some other things?
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