Relationship I care about him...

S

Skyline

I met a guy online, it’s a long distance relationship.
We hit it off. I was unsure about him but the more I got to know him the more I liked him.

i noticed that when we talk on the phone he stutters, sometimes his breathless and when I asked him he said that he has some chronic back pain and he finds it hard to be seated all the time so has to be on the move. after I questioned him I noticed he started avoiding talk to me on the phone or FaceTime and would just text. When I asked him why does he seem reserved of late, he said that he is very busy with work. He minimised our contact. Again when I asked him he explained his super busy. I told him it’s not possible to be busy 24/7 and that if he cared about me he would put an effort or explain what’s going on.

So he told me he has anxiety, depression and ptsd. His in the military and feels overwhelmed with work. I didnt know what ptsd is at the time so I started telling him that I too have depression but I am healed and that it takes time to heal. He withdrew even more. I was so frustrated , always in tears and confused. One night I called him and he answered and I told him that I am just upset, why is he avoiding me, is he with someone else and all that jazz ... he basically kept on saying he doesn’t know or understand what his feeling and that he likes me too. ( at this stage I actually still didn’t know what Is ptsd )so I am so confused!....he said maybe we should call it off because I am hot and cold and he cant Handel that.

I didn’t understand how I am being hot and cold when it’s him who is avoiding me!

For a while he made our communication only via text, I was so upset but tried to be patient. I read about ptsd and realised that’s what’s causing him to avoid me, every time I ask him why are you ignoring me or pushing me away he says his not. He always tells me his working or doing work, takes forever to reply to my messages. I told him many time just tell me are we on or off but he never replies. I asked him about the ptsd and he never answer. One time he told me his sorting out his life and hopefully will be back to normal.

last week I expressed my frustration to him and he said to me that I am too passionate and he finds it hard. He knows I care about him but to call it off.


I am so hurt because I do care about him but he never gave us a chance or even communicated his feelings.

I miss him.
 
S

Skyline

what did I do wrong? Is it his PTSD?

There is so much more to this story I just didn’t know how to add, I am confused.

We were totally fine. He has 2 kids from a previous relationship and I have no kids.

We were meant to meet this month.
 

Friday

Moderator
what did I do wrong? Is it his PTSD?
There’s no gold standard. People with PTSD don’t share a personality, likes/dislikes, goals, desires, needs/wants. It’s just a disorder. Like having diabetes. We’re all different. We just can’t eat cake.

So, the way I look at it? You were yourself. Which was exactly the right thing to be. And it didn’t work out. Which happens.
 
S

Skyline

There’s no gold standard. People with PTSD don’t share a personality, likes/dislikes, goals, desires, needs/wants. It’s just a disorder. Like having diabetes. We’re all different. We just can’t eat cake.

So, the way I look at it? You were yourself. Which was exactly the right thing to be. And it didn’t work out. Which happens.
His not that into me?... I guess.

Sorry if I sound like I am alienating people with ptsd, not my intention.
 

lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
Is it his PTSD?
Maybe. Maybe not.

Can I be honest though? As I was reading, you seemed pretty demanding, especially for a long distance relationship. I understand that puts a strain on the relationship (being long distance). And this is especially important if he has PTSD. I dunno about anyone else but the more someone pushes the further away I go until I up and ghost them (disappear without any notice out of the blue) and never return without a second thought. Not saying he is that way but there is something great on here you can search up called the PTSD cup explanation. It explains that us with PTSD cannot handle as much stress as those without PTSD and when that cup over floweth, we spiral. The key is to lower the stress. You of course can't be responsible for what he is feeling but you can back up and give him space. The more space someone gives me the more I am able to get a grip and figure my shit out and then I will come back into the other's space.

So, I'd back off and give him space personally.

Then maybe be more understanding if he doesn't want to talk on the phone or on video. Sometimes texting is all one can do. Understand that, that maybe his best and all he can do at that time.
 
S

Skyline

Maybe. Maybe not.

Can I be honest though? As I was reading, you seemed pretty demanding, especially for a long distance relationship. I understand that puts a strain on the relationship (being long distance). And this is especially important if he has PTSD. I dunno about anyone else but the more someone pushes the further away I go until I up and ghost them (disappear without any notice out of the blue) and never return without a second thought. Not saying he is that way but there is something great on here you can search up called the PTSD cup explanation. It explains that us with PTSD cannot handle as much stress as those without PTSD and when that cup over floweth, we spiral. The key is to lower the stress. You of course can't be responsible for what he is feeling but you can back up and give him space. The more space someone gives me the more I am able to get a grip and figure my shit out and then I will come back into the other's space.

So, I'd back off and give him space personally.

Then maybe be more understanding if he doesn't want to talk on the phone or on video. Sometimes texting is all one can do. Understand that, that maybe his best and all he can do at that time.
Thank you, that makes sense.

I have being demanding and he did tell me few times he feels overwhelmed with a lot of things on his plate.

I was anxious, I do need to relax

I do genuinely care for him and wish him well.

I hope I didn’t trigger him with my “neediness” , wouldn’t want to cause harm to anyone.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
And it is up to him to deal with his triggers. By setting boundaries or telling you he needs time. Then respect him and yourself by giving him that time. And even 'time' means something different for us. I personally 'lose time'. I will lose a day or two and not realize a week has passed.

Educate yourself about PTSD. Listen to the supporters here. They live the life of what ever storm is brewing that day. I have the utmost respect for supporters. That set thier own boundaries about not allowing the sufferer to take it out on them. It's a fine line and it takes time.

But I too will disappear if I feel someone is putting pressure on me. Tho I have acquired a lot of communication skills, if the other person isn't listening, then I ghost.

I'm sorry you were hurt and I'm sorry he was so brutal with his words. But will stress again, you are working with a brain that sees things more clearly and maybe to you it's XYZ. For us it's ATBRZ!! Takes us years and years to get to XYZ.

As many men that are on this planet, try to find one that doesn't have PTSD. Just letting you know it's a lot of work to be a supporter. I can't stand myself a lot of days, so I don't expect anyone to stick around while I find a point to ground myself.

I wish you well and hope you can move on and be happy. It will take a long time for him to be happy.
 
S

Skyline

And it is up to him to deal with his triggers. By setting boundaries or telling you he needs time. Then respect him and yourself by giving him that time. And even 'time' means something different for us. I personally 'lose time'. I will lose a day or two and not realize a week has passed.

Educate yourself about PTSD. Listen to the supporters here. They live the life of what ever storm is brewing that day. I have the utmost respect for supporters. That set thier own boundaries about not allowing the sufferer to take it out on them. It's a fine line and it takes time.

But I too will disappear if I feel someone is putting pressure on me. Tho I have acquired a lot of communication skills, if the other person isn't listening, then I ghost.

I'm sorry you were hurt and I'm sorry he was so brutal with his words. But will stress again, you are working with a brain that sees things more clearly and maybe to you it's XYZ. For us it's ATBRZ!! Takes us years and years to get to XYZ.

As many men that are on this planet, try to find one that doesn't have PTSD. Just letting you know it's a lot of work to be a supporter. I can't stand myself a lot of days, so I don't expect anyone to stick around while I find a point to ground myself.

I wish you well and hope you can move on and be happy. It will take a long time for him to be happy.

Thank you

I did step away.

He contacted me recently to check on me.

I wont put any pressue on him, I have being reading alot about ptsd. It's an eye opener to hear from sufferes to understand.

He doesnt talk about it with me at all, even when I told him I am safe.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
We rarely talk to people who don't have PTSD about what is going on with us. You know you are safe, he doesn't know that and may never believe it. It's too hard to put into words for a nonPTSD person to understand.

Take care of yourself first. You've made the offer now drop it. If he wants to talk to you he will. And quite honestly, there may be things you are better off not knowing. You don't need the details to support him.

Glad he called to check on you. Relax. Keep it lite when talking with him. If nothing else you will end up knowing more about PTSD than you ever wanted to know.

Take care.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
And be cool on yourself too. Live your things and bring that person with you if they want to. It's not your job avoiding to be triggering or squeezing yourself too much--they'll happen no matter what. I wouldn't be dating myself neither, at least for now. If I met someone I cared about I'd get scared of myself and of them. Have a pretense and then withdraw. Everyone is different.

If your way of being is just too triggering for him, you might also call it a day. It's up to you to see if you want to take the time, gently, knowing what things are and not getting into codependent mode because that happens easily. But it is possible. I had a relationship like that. It was very healing and I can't stress how much this person has been loyal to me in incredible circumstances. Looking back I was borderline unmanageable, still he found his way through. I'd be thankful forever. Just try to see if it's possible for you.

Best of luck.
 
S

Skyline

We rarely talk to people who don't have PTSD about what is going on with us. You know you are safe, he doesn't know that and may never believe it. It's too hard to put into words for a nonPTSD person to understand.
That in it self is enough of an explanation... I have tried many times to ask in so many different ways but he never spoke about it.. this now makes sense.

Take care of yourself first. You've made the offer now drop it. If he wants to talk to you he will. And quite honestly, there may be things you are better off not knowing. You don't need the details to support him.

I have some how concentrated on him and forgot about myself. From what I read in this forum so far, it’s important I take care of me.
Glad he called to check on you. Relax. Keep it lite when talking with him. If nothing else you will end up knowing more about PTSD than you ever wanted to know.

Take care.

Thank you 🙏
 
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