Relationship I care about him...

S

Skyline

And be cool on yourself too. Live your things and bring that person with you if they want to. It's not your job avoiding to be triggering or squeezing yourself too much--they'll happen no matter what. I wouldn't be dating myself neither, at least for now. If I met someone I cared about I'd get scared of myself and of them. Have a pretense and then withdraw. Everyone is different.

If your way of being is just too triggering for him, you might also call it a day. It's up to you to see if you want to take the time, gently, knowing what things are and not getting into codependent mode because that happens easily. But it is possible. I had a relationship like that. It was very healing and I can't stress how much this person has been loyal to me in incredible circumstances. Looking back I was borderline unmanageable, still he found his way through. I'd be thankful forever. Just try to see if it's possible for you.

Best of luck.

I have being trying to walk on eggshells around him and I didn’t feel like I was fully being me. When he called it off I was in pain because I actually just didn’t understand. His a great guy and it’s not his fault whatever he went through.

In a way with all the pain and confusion I did realise I was actually not being myself ... I also discovered that I do have codependency. I read a lot about it and most of how I was with him or others in the past stemmed from my it.

This is something I need to address. I also need to have a lot of patience which I don’t have to be honest so I am learning.

I am going to keep it light, no expectations.

I do feel embarrassed for how I was acting but there is always wisdom to gain.

Thank you.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
He doesnt talk about it with me at all, even when I told him I am safe.
You cannot just tell someone with PTSD that you are safe. Trust takes time in a regular relationship and takes more time usually in a relationship where there is PTSD. And also, some men with PTSD don't want to discuss because it makes them feel weak, or makes them think about the stuff that caused the PTSD.

It may be more effective to say, "I know it may take some time to believe it but I'm here for you and if you ever want to share more about what it's like for you to have PTSD I would be honored to hear it so that I can better understand and relate in a way that respects your needs." Don't make it something that needs to happen now but just plant a seed.
 

ruborcoraxxx

Sponsor
That’s so true too @HealingMama . I personally wouldn’t put so much deference lol, but yeah, leaving things open-ended rather than pressuring. Also I was reading on the blog of a psychologist I quite like that he didn’t really believe attachment styles were a thing in adulthood since, at start, all adult relationships were insecure. You just cannot really know someone and you cannot know if they will remain in your life forever. I found it a bit forcing the trait, but he marked a point… perhaps I wouldn’t use "insecure" but "uncertain". Adult relationships for sure are uncertain af. And PTSD doesn’t like uncertainty. At all.

In other realms in my DV relationship that was so ugly and dangerous, there was a stage it was easier to have sex with my ex-not-so-ex-f*ck-knows-it’s-the-living-dead-here, even exposing me to true hazard, rather than even envisioning to be barely touched by anyone else. I had (and still have) startle responses from harmless people wanting to take the same spoon in the drawer but not from him. Even if I was genuinely terrorized from him and not the others. This is to say how counter-instinctive the ways fear operates can be. The certainty of fear can be less unbearable than its randomness.

Now PTSD being a vet isn’t the same set of things, but I guess this might give you an idea of the kind of crap you end up doing by living in a constant state of, or at least expecting fear. A new relationship is a landmine. You don’t know what will be the things that will set you off. Or you have an idea and don’t want that to happen, but want a relationship. Hello push pull dynamic.
 
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