I could have saved him from himself

[OliveJewel]

Now instead of believing I could have saved myself my brain is playing around with “I could have saved him.”

It’s so stupid. It’s complete fantasy. Impossible.

Why couldn’t I have gone back in time and protected my dad from making sexually impulsive decisions? Like as an angel or spirit.

This is making me want to drink so bad. I am sitting in my car. I’m going to go buy beer. This is really triggering me.

Come with me as I go buy beer!

Sorry if this is stupid. But I need to narrate this.

Started the car. Backing out.

Ziter, I appreciate the free will stuff.

Am at the gas station:

Am back home drinking

Counter: not my incarnation. I pray that he figures out how to handle having a fleshy appendage. Not my problem/. I can not fix him.

 

[Sideways]

Why couldn’t I have gone back in time and protected my dad from making sexually impulsive decisions? Like as an angel or spirit.

Because even if you believe in the fantastical, you aren’t an angel or spririt.

You are you. Only that. But that.

You aren’t any more responsible for his actions as any other child is for their parents.

But you are responsible for your own decisions.

In retrospect, sure, there’s only one path. But moving forward, there are infinite possibilities. Choose one. Pick a good one. Pick one that exciting and full of things that have meaning to you.

 

[OliveJewel]

@Sideways your response made me giggle. I didn’t want to put the laughing emoji because that sometimes seems sarcastic. But I think it was a good giggle.

 

[OliveJewel]

moving forward,

This is a difficult one sometimes. But life is for living, so I will try. I hear my name being called by someone in the future. Maybe it’s me. I continue. In spite of the fact that…

In retrospect, sure, there’s only one path.

I must must accept this 👆.

Rest. Rest will help. Baths. Washing. Incense. Muscles moving. Turning over in bed in the night. More dreams.